Ex having Key to the house

[Poledog8877]

Finally have an offer accepted on a house with my partner after having our own places for 3 years!!!

Was talking about getting the keys and he mentioned getting one for his ex

Both have keys at the moment for dropping off and collecting forgotten items which is practical. Understand everything needs to work for the kids but I don’t like the idea of his nosey ex having access to my home.

Is that unreasonable? What could work instead? I want to make my step kids feel comfortable and their lives easy but this feels too much

When the new guy moves in let’s suddenly see how organised she becomes because he doesn’t want her ex popping in and out

Would I give my husbands ex a key to my house?! Not in a million years

Honestly say no and say it now or call the whole thing off

Maybe this is the time for him to start getting more organised;this is a gender gap;why should the ex have to come collect stuff because he can't get his act together?;she's still carrying the majority of the mental load even though their no longer together.

Take heed of the above if you decide to have children with him;be careful of not being his free nanny and house keeper once you're living together and having the responsibility of the kids insidiously pushed on you.

Just so you know OP.
This ISNT going to change. This setup works for them. But not you. You are in a position where you can either accept this for the rest of your relationship or step away and be with someone who doesn't have a situation like this.

It also sounds like if you pushback on his ex having a key, the responsibility of left items etc will fall on you because you're the one that wouldn't allow the ex to have a key....and he already sounds laid back and disorganised as it is.

Its not a setup I would have, but it works for them. Id rather not be in a relationship like this where my boundaries were crossed and my privacy invaded. But that's me. You figure out what your boundaries are

@Minikievs do we share the same EX??? Mine did exactly the same thing. Although I never lived in the place he moved to after we split, he was very keen to show me the DC bedrooms and rest of his flat after one drop-off (DC were there too).

I felt uncomfortable about going in, and had turned his offer to look round down, so he then proceeded to rope the DC to chime in (young primary age) to convince me to have a look, so I felt I couldn't say no.

Me and my ex had keys to each others houses in case the kids forgot something etc etc but it was more to open the door for the kids. When they got older, they had their own keys.

'Oh, but won't you think about the poor children?' 🙄FFS these threads always go the same way. Step parents have rights too. For perspective, I had to stop my DH's ex from even coming in the house to wait for the kids because they fucked around for too long getting ready and in the meantime she just stood there making me feel uncomfortable. Fuck that. If my DH hadn't supported me in that decision he would have been out too.

That would be an absolute hard no from me and I'd be prepared to withdraw my offer on the house and stay living in my own place if he wasn't prepared to shift on this.
It's not appropriate. There's amicable co-parenting and then there's crossing a line and that's it.
He can install some kind of lockable drop box type thing outside the house for picking and dropping things off to which both he and ex have keys or they can use the shed. But access to the house - absolutely not.

have you bothered to read the thread? the overwhelming majority are saying how unfair and unreasonable this ie supporting the OP, the step parent

the one that was waffling on about a key safe has shuffled off

@plumberdrain I know that and yes I have read the thread. I was referring to the posters who weren't in support of the op. Should have made that clear.

@plumberdrain

I haven't 'shuffled off'... I was only trying to be helpful and offer ideas.
If your going to be so small minded and not consider any other points of view, there isn't much to say 🤷🏻‍♀️

And staking my other threads is a bit sad. You need to get out more 😊

I knew that would make you shuffle back on! 😂

And staking my other threads is a bit sad.

Huh? where have i stalked you?

but now i’m intrigued…. bring on the AS!

I would not be happy with this at all.

I do not think you can ban it. It's what works for his kids and that should be his priority.

Possibly a compromise is possible. Does the house have a porch? Get a kallax unit and all the kits etc go in there so she can access the porch not the house?

Why on earth should a new partner be expected to skulk away with her tail between her legs in these circumstances? Of course change is necessary in this kind of scenario, otherwise how is the new relationship supposed to grow?

In any case, there’s a flaw in the logic of an ex saying ‘I need a key to my ex’s house because I have children with him’, because (while the children are children, at least) the parent and/or their new partner are always going to be at home with said children. It’s not like they’re ever going to be home alone and locked in and need their mum to turn up with her key and let them out!

Admittedly I’m not entirely objective in this matter as my DH’s ex was a nightmare when I first moved in, expecting to not only retain a key but also to be able to let herself into what was now our home, with zero notice, whenever she wanted to use DH’s computer (I wfh so this was NOT convenient), along with assorted other CFeries that more or less wrecked the beginning of DH’s and my life together. (That may sound like an overreaction, but it wouldn’t if I explained what the other CFeries were.)

If a man doesn’t want to change an ‘enmeshed’ set-up with his ex then he doesn’t have to - but if he isn’t willing to re-draw the parameters then he should stay single. It’s not on the new partner to try to shape herself to fit into an existing status quo.

@TurquoiseHexagonSun

Did you even read my post??

Nowhere have I said that the OP needs to just stay and accept this situation, far from it!

I specifically warned her that this will likely be one of many issues in relation to this over-enmeshment that he has with his ex. I think your comment about the “assorted other Cferies” of your DHs ex illustrates this point exactly!

If you read my whole post you will see that I advised her to seriously consider what she wants from this relationship, ie does she want to be in a constant her vs the ex scenario.

Fortunately for the OP, she doesn’t have children with this ‘prize’ (yet). So it will be easier for her to leave and find someone who isn’t so enmeshed with their ex, if that’s what she chooses.

Yes, I agree with you, of course men shouldn’t put themselves back in the dating pool whilst they are still so enmeshed with their ex, and there are decent men who even if they have children already, can maintain a healthy co-parenting arrangement with their ex.

But equally, (if you believe some of the posts on MN) it seems there are some women who will tolerate being in a committed relationship (including having children) with a man who from the start shows them that they are clearly not ready to be dating again. It’s seems like in some circumstances, all the DP needs to do is give them the occasional win against the ex and complain how crazy their ex is and the new DP not only stays, but then has children with them. I am not sure whether it is a lack of belief in their ability to find somebody who they deserve, or perhaps it’s a desire to ‘fix’ the over reliance on the ex. Either, way it seems like madness to me!

From a man’s point of view, if they can still retain some of the benefits of their previous marriage, (which in the OP case seems to be that her DP can get away with a lack of organisation, knowing that his ex will come and collect what he forgets), whilst continuing to enjoy the benefits of the new relationship (ie shared living costs, sex, someone to provide childcare) then of course they are going to put themselves back out there again!

Hell no. I'm all for new partners not wilfully obstructing co-parenting arrangements that work...but an ex having unfettered access to your home is several bridges too far 😳

They need to agree a more sensible way of keeping track of the children's belongings. And you need a serious conversation about non-negotiable boundaries.

It’s up to him if she has access to his house, but what they are proposing is access to your house.
Thousands of other coparents manage without keys, so there’s no reason why change can’t happen at this stage.

My stepson had a key and would run in for things while his mother waited in the car. There was no need for her to come in. Even she realised she wouldn’t be welcome to go in without us being there! When he was younger we had doubles of things or she had to collect things when we were in.

Of course I read it. But rightly or wrongly I read your posts as partly implying that if such an 'enmeshed' set-up already exists a new partner should walk away because it's working for everybody else, rather than disturb it for them. Given my own angle on the subject it's possible I misinterpreted, but I still don't necessarily feel a person should walk rather than stay and change things - if it's a strong enough relationship it should be strong enough to withstand some redrawing of the parameters, and why should the ex win if she's being unreasonable?

As difficult as my DH's ex was, like hell was I going to let her and her odd norms break up what was (and is) fundamentally a good relationship. I did have to put up with a lot of vilification along the way, though.

@TurquoiseHexagonSun

If you think that the suggestion that I made for the OP to reconsider the relationship was not to avoid “disturbing “ the ex, or letting the ex “win “, then yes, you have massively misinterpreted my posts.

It was about the OP knowing her worth and finding someone who is ready to give her the commitment that she deserves. Instead of having to put up with such nonsense and constantly trying to negotiate boundary after boundary against the ex, which is often how these posts seem to go on MN. When I read such posts I always think it must be exhausting to live like that, I would rather be happy on my own, than living that day in day out, but perhaps that is just me.

I wonder if the ex has an MN thread right now…

”AIBU to hope my XH doesn’t give me a key to his new place when he moves, so I can ask for my key back to the FMH and stop him turning up once a week to collect kit and things. I’ve used my key to his a handful of times, true, but he just NEVER has his shit together.”

Back out. Don’t move in with him.

tell your oh that you’re not moving in with anyone who thinks other people can just come and go in your home.

no. Just no.

push back. Hard.

she gave you shit for 3 years and is now shacking up with a bloke she’s just met? And she has the kids?

this is a car crash waiting to happen and you’re worth better and more than this life

Don't move in together. Abort mission.
It will make everyone's life easier...especially the children's.

Revisit moving in together and the relationship after the children have moved out. Respectfully, he shouldn't be dating anyone seriously right now, nor should he have inserted you into the children's lives...nor you have come into their lives. They're only in primary school...you said you've been in a relationship for a long time.

It may be a possible red flag and indication that something inappropriate may be occurring between him and the ex. If they were strictly co parenting, she doesn't need access to his place just to drop things off...or to respond to an emergency regarding the children.

There's no reason that she should have that type of access to a shared place.

Abort mission. Don't move in together. If they're still close and spending time together with the children...

The children aren't going to take it well that you're moving in, and being in their lives. Don't blend families...

Perhaps, it's best to end things, and find a single childless person who doesn't have the baggage of an ex.

Tbh, respectfully...both are piss poor parents. ..all of this inserting others in their young children's life, separating, different homes, mother and father possibly behaving inappropriately, etc... is too much on the children. ..they're living in utter confusion and dysfunction.

Respectfully, the best thing to do...for the children's sake . Is to leave him alone permanently.

Why did you intentionally go after this guy, instead of going for someone completely single and childless?
Don't understand why you thought this was a good idea to become involved with him