When adult SKIDS blank half siblings…?

[starsandspark]

Maybe blank is a harsh word but certainly only give crumbs.
Background. I’ve been SM for 25 years. Not the OW. 2 Adult SKIDS since age 5 & 7.
DH and Birth mother have very poor relationship (from DH being denied access causing court case many years ago) and SKIDS must always make BM happy. BM has serous MH issues.
DH and I have had a pretty OK relationship with both SKIDS over the years.
But….they refuse to show any interest in their two half siblings, my DD and DS.
This has been raised many times over the years and always results in a huge row as the adult SKIDS are not allowed by BM to acknowledge their siblings and SKIDS believe we should just accept their situation and be grateful for the relationship we do have.
A couple of times this has almost broken our relationship with them completely as they saw us as too much trouble to see at all, so we made a decision to back off and now see them reasonably regularly but rarely in our house. Although very hurtful and upsetting it hasn’t been a massive issue up to recently….
DD and DS are now 17 and 16. This is the problem. They hate the SKIDS for ignoring them. They pour over social media and can’t believe there isn’t one mention of them (or us to be fair) and both of them think both me and DH should break ties with them as it’s so rude (we wouldn’t allow them to behave like this is a regular comment). They receive nothing, no birthday wishes, the maximum would be an ‘alright’ if they cross paths.
Our DD and DS are nice teens with no issues other than their older siblings. DD and DS really wanted a relationship with SKIDS when they were younger and have been rejected which understandably has caused real dislike now.
Raising it again with SKIDS will categorically cause a row and not change their attitude as it hasn’t worked in the last 17 years. We also can’t talk to BM as she hates DH so much it would delight her if he was upset.
DD and DS don’t want them in the house as it’s their home (it was never the SKIDS home) and don’t want us to see them as we are showing love to people who don’t love them or even like them.
What to do…..?
thanks

This is not a popular opinion, but I really believe that the step siblings dynamic is always more difficult for the older siblings from the first marriage.

The guilt, fear and obligation that are inevitable emotions of such a set up are often glossed over by the parent and step family eager to have a happy blended family:

You can't force relationships. I think you need to let it go and let the relationships develop however they do, even if that means no relationship.

@ReadySalty I do agree which is why we stopped any discussion about it but that was easy (ish) when DD/DS were children. Now they are young adults they raise very valid points and it's hard to explain or rationalise :(

For whatever reason (caused by adults), your step-children (SKIDS is a horrible term) do not have a relationship with their half siblings or you, and that is not going to magically materialise.

They can have a separate adult relationship with their dad, which in time could grow and flourish and perhaps the rest can come later, perhaps not.

I would support your dh in what he wants to do in relation to his older children even if it is currently separate from you and his younger children.

Thanks @Sunflwer maybe we just ride the storm..

@starsandspark I think your kids are old enough for you to have a good talk to them about it.

I'd be sitting them down and saying "look, I know it's painful the way your half siblings react to you, however they have obviously struggled with the breakdown of their parents relationship and their mum has MH issues. I know this isn't easy for you, however, your dad is their father too and we will still be there for them. That was the deal when I married your dad...I knew he had other children and I took that on too."

I'm not sure there's anything else you can do. Just talk to your children and maybe one day they will understand that it might have been hard for the stepkids to see their father being there for them full time, while they were divided between homes and only got their parents some of the time. Not everyone is going to want a relationship with them. It's a shame but as said before, it can't be forced. Encourage an empathetic approach in your children. At the moment it seems to all focus on their feelings and wants.

Hi @NoTouch sorry I'm new and thought that was the term, I'll stop using it. And I do have a good relationship with my step children which I am grateful for, as does their father. It's become very painful that DD/DS don't/can't understand why it's like this for them.

It would be a good learning opportunity for them to consider how things might look and feel from their half siblings' perspectives. They are 16/17. Not young kids, so old enough to be able to consider someone else's position.

Rejection hurts but not everyone has to want a relationship with us.

Hey @DinaofCloud9 (great name!) I get why you say that but DD/DS are hurt too. They have almost begged for a relationship over the years. It's all very sad when the next generation are affected by the adults of the past

Yes I understand they may be upset but they are actually saying to your husband he shouldn't see his other children because they have hurt their feelings.

I think that's completely out of order and putting your husband in a terrible position.

Your dh can have a seperate relationship with his adult children. For there own reason they may have struggled to accept or have a relationship with half siblings, maybe they feel resentful that they're dad left when they were only 5 and 7 and their siblings got their fathers full attention on his second family. Who knows only them. If they are adults it's harder for them to have a relationship and bond with children. It's not on your children to demand that your dh not continue to have that relationship seperate to them.

If my (adult) step-kids acted like my children, their half-siblings, did not exist and my children struggled with me having a relationship with them as a result then I wouldn't be continuing to have a relationship with my step-children at the expense of my own children's mental and emotional wellbeing and potentially at the expense of my own relationship with them. In your position I would take a step back from them and focus on my own children, but I would leave their dad to deal with it how he feels is right for him as obviously he's in a different position because they are all his children.

In your shoes, I would validate their hurt feelings but explain that having separated parents can cause complicated feelings for children.

Despite their hurt feelings, their dad has exactly the same obligation to love and support their step siblings as he does them. Remind them that he wouldn’t ban them from the house if they fell out with each other/stopped speaking to each other, and that a parent’s love is unconditional. Unfortunately siblings don’t have that same obligation to care about each other.

I've been the younger half sibling totally blanked and rejected in my own home by a half sibling & their rude kids and pretty much never acknowledged, treated like I don't exist when they came to stay etc, but in my case my other parent was treated the same way and the half sibling was already an independent adult when my parents married and by the time I was born.

I've now broken contact and stopped trying with them as it's been so painful over the years. I really wanted a good relationship with them and tried really hard.

You need to make it clear to your children that the step children have every right to a relationship with their father and tell them they can't manipulate that relationship. However, you should acknowledge the pain they are feeling and not put them in any position to be rejected further. Don't force a relationship that isn't there and instead encourage your kids to focus on the relationships with people who do love them and show an interest in them. Accepting it's a dead end with my half sibiling and stopping trying has eventually been quite healing.

Your kids are probably quite hurt to see your bond with the step children when they are treated like they don't exist by them too. It might be kinder to meet with them when your own kids aren't around and don't talk about the SC too much around them.

Don't you find it a bit hurtful that your kids are blanked too? It must be really difficult have a "good" relationship with people who ignore your own flesh and blood. They sound very rude, regardless of their mother's manipulation. They are adults now too.

Sounds really hard and a very sad situation for all concerned OP. Rejection can really sting and hard for kids to understand why their siblings are rejecting them. The human adult brain isn't fully developed until age 25 so they are still likely to come at things from a subjective point of view and not necessarily see the bigger picture. With this in mind, I wouldn't conclude based on what you shared, that it makes them 'spoilt brats' any more than I would label your stepchildren spoilt, whilst their behaviour on the face of it is very hurtful. It sounds as though the younger ones have tried to reach out and show love to their older siblings. Appalling how hatred and controlling behaviour of older siblings own mother is blocking her children from having a relationship with their own family members. Because while she may view you as 'new wife', 'new family', 'second family' and all these horrible terms (you weren't OW after all) to the kids, they are all related by blood and she should have been the bigger person and allowed these relationships to form. Sounds like she is at the heart of all this and sad as you say that she has mental health difficulties, that must have been tough on the older two. Goodness knows what they grew up hearing.

Still it's absolutely worth keep explaining to your children reasons why stepkids have struggled and how difficult it has been for them and confusing and then perhaps you (but not your husband) could take a step back from step children for a while? Just keep talking to the younger ones and encourage them to put themselves in their shoes. Explain that while it is hurtful, that they are still loved and it has nothing to do with anything that they have done. I agree with above poster who says that dad needs to handle situation as he sees fit with the older ones and of course important that he maintains the relationship with them.

I’m an older sibling with many half siblings. It’s probably linked to whatever occurred between their father and mother before you and before the half siblings. What was the reason their parents split up? And whatever ‘stories’ they may have been told on either side or bad memories.

More importantly how can you say you and their father have a good relationship with them? How is that even possible if they don’t see their younger half siblings ever?

I agree. I’m the eldest child in my family, have many half siblings. My life has been a huge struggle, especially my MH.

Is "SKIDS" really the mumsnet term. Yikes.

Realistically, if my DF has moved out when we were younger and started a new family and lived with them I would not have been one bit interested in meeting the children he had replaced us with which could be how they feel.

I really hope not.

I'm not sure I could have a relationship with a 30 and 32 year old who ignore my kids. I'd leave dh to it and I think I'd side with my kids. But I'm not part of a blended family so I am clueless. I would at the same time have huge compassion for the step kids because imagine having 18 years of feeling that way about your siblings and what they've missed out on.

This is unfortunately your partners fault.

You don't mention the age difference too. I think you should just protect your children and try not to force the relationship.

I’m from a large family and my eldest siblings were 16/17 when I was born and were very resentful of my existence. They ignored me, moved out, had very little to do with me growing up. I’m not sure it’s always a half sibling thing but an age thing as well.