When adult SKIDS blank half siblings…?

[starsandspark]

Maybe blank is a harsh word but certainly only give crumbs.
Background. I’ve been SM for 25 years. Not the OW. 2 Adult SKIDS since age 5 & 7.
DH and Birth mother have very poor relationship (from DH being denied access causing court case many years ago) and SKIDS must always make BM happy. BM has serous MH issues.
DH and I have had a pretty OK relationship with both SKIDS over the years.
But….they refuse to show any interest in their two half siblings, my DD and DS.
This has been raised many times over the years and always results in a huge row as the adult SKIDS are not allowed by BM to acknowledge their siblings and SKIDS believe we should just accept their situation and be grateful for the relationship we do have.
A couple of times this has almost broken our relationship with them completely as they saw us as too much trouble to see at all, so we made a decision to back off and now see them reasonably regularly but rarely in our house. Although very hurtful and upsetting it hasn’t been a massive issue up to recently….
DD and DS are now 17 and 16. This is the problem. They hate the SKIDS for ignoring them. They pour over social media and can’t believe there isn’t one mention of them (or us to be fair) and both of them think both me and DH should break ties with them as it’s so rude (we wouldn’t allow them to behave like this is a regular comment). They receive nothing, no birthday wishes, the maximum would be an ‘alright’ if they cross paths.
Our DD and DS are nice teens with no issues other than their older siblings. DD and DS really wanted a relationship with SKIDS when they were younger and have been rejected which understandably has caused real dislike now.
Raising it again with SKIDS will categorically cause a row and not change their attitude as it hasn’t worked in the last 17 years. We also can’t talk to BM as she hates DH so much it would delight her if he was upset.
DD and DS don’t want them in the house as it’s their home (it was never the SKIDS home) and don’t want us to see them as we are showing love to people who don’t love them or even like them.
What to do…..?
thanks

Maybe they don’t like being called skids.

but really their mum wouldn’t let them acknowledge their siblings. That is horrific. Surely you can see that is very difficult and traumatic and conflicting for them as children and they needed rescuing from that situation. No one did, they got blamed by you for ignoring their siblings and blamed by their mum if they didn’t ignore their siblings.
now their siblings, who’ve grown up with two parents, want you and dh to cut off DHs children, because they’re not being best friends with them? Or posting them on social media? This is very silly I wouldn’t indulge this and I’d explain to your dc how lucky they are to not have a parent try to alienate them from the rest of their family. You can’t force siblings to be friends.

Just to try to answer your question, you may have a serious problem with parental alienation that has spilled over to you and your kids. However, you have been their stepmother for 25 years only now that your kids are acknowleding things aren't right and trying to establish boundaries, you have a real issue? I think your kids are right they shouldn't have to put up with this. The question is, how has it developed to this over 25 years?

I imagine they felt discarded and replaced by the pair of golden children. Their home broken whilst the golden children had their dad and a mum. I'm not saying this in a mean way, it's just the blunt reality of the life for the step kids.

I was in a soft play when my ds was little, about 3, and a boy of about 12 started playing with him - very kindly and sweetly. Eventually I said hi to the boy and he began to tell me how his dad doesn't have time for him anymore as he has new siblings that were about my ds's age.

I would probably explain to your ds and dd that it isn't really personal to them - their older siblings have been the victims of a crap situation. Who wants to have divorced parents and 2 homes and mum and dad hating eachother? My parents are divorced, the effects are felt for decades afterwards.

Just tell your kids that things aren't going to change and to get on with their own lives, without bothering with the older ones.

You can by all means cut contact with them. Your dh can see them elsewhere or when you/your kids are out.

I’d choose my own children tbh. The SC are full adults behaving in a rude manner to your children. Your husband still has to see them but you don’t.

I can’t imagine knowing children since they were 7, seeing their abusive, difficult childhood and knowing I couldn’t rescue them or choosing not to rescue them or ease those issues whilst they were children and needed any adult in their life to try and help them.
then when they become adults seeing the results of that abuse and choosing to exclude them from my life because of it.

You wouldn’t dismiss your own children because they fell out with each other or didn’t get on. If it was a bio child you’d try to resolve it, accept it, or try to be understanding of the difficulties in their past if you know they’d had some traumatic experiences.
I can’t imagine how damaging it must be to step children to know any relationship or love is so conditional, even if that person has been a parental figure in your life since you were a small child.

Your step children are 32 and 30?
By the time your kids came along they would be going through the stage of not wanting to do EoW and would be looking at going to college/university?
They are not going to have much in common with your kids as they would have been starting out on their own lives.
You need to look at the issues they had growing up.
Split homes, mother with MH problems (allegedly), the court case, parental alienation, siblings with their Dad full time etc.
And the look at how much you have tried to force a relationship between two sets of children that you think of (very clearly) differently (SKIDS ffs). And take responsibility for your part in this.
I would also try and figure out where this "us or them" attitude has come from.

I can’t imagine being a teenager when my half-siblings came along, and now in my 30s, and not even bothering to wish them a happy birthday whilst having a decent relationship with their parents. It’s rude, and the younger children are right to find it rude.

Of course, it’s OP and her husband’s fault for letting things get to this stage. But I’d be speaking to SC, letting them know how the children feel and why and asking that it changes.

I wouldn’t be continuing a relationship with my step kids if they were treating my own children’s so badly and causing them so much pain.

they’re grown adults now and should know better. I would understand if that was the early days of your blended family or if they were younger.

Put your own children first or else they will resent you for it.

Primarily, your husband holds the key.

Could he see his eldest children on neutral territory.

Could he also facilitate dialogue with the eldest about the family dynamic in its entirety.

It's baffling to me that you still have anything to do with your stepchildren. All of the excuses about their mother don't wash anymore. They are now adults and still treat your children horribly. There is absolutely no excuse for this behaviour.

Your husband can have a relationship with them outside of your home, and you should leave them to it.

Your kids aren’t unreasonable to be hurt at the rejection and deserve lots of sympathy as they were innocent kids. However they are old enough to try and be empathetic towards their half siblings.
If you had behaved like their mum did, what would they do?

How would they feel about younger half siblings, especially if they lived with the more emotionally stable parent 100% of the time ?
What would it take for them to move out of your home 100% of the time ?
Can they see that we might be more tolerant of mistakes made by our loved ones than strangers?
How would they feel playing and chatting to someone that their parent didn’t like ?
Can they see that hurting their half siblings feelings is easier than hurting their mum’s? We are biologically programmed to want approval from a parent, whatever they are like.
They are old enough to try and understand FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) . Perhaps they know someone who hasn’t cut ties with an abusive family member ?
They are old enough to hear that divorce is messy and painful. For kids it can be worse because they don’t know all of the details for their own good and fill in the blanks with stuff. For your kids, the half siblings were probably more kids to play with and them being older meant that they were exciting but how would they cope if a random young child moved in with your family today ? While they may not be so mean as to ignore them, can they see that it might test their patience?

Your h is their dad and is their dad forever so can’t just cut ties so easily. There could be circumstances where a parent goes NC but they will always feel something towards the child because biology is deep and complicated.

It is up to you and your dh to explain this to your younger dd/ds age appropriately and how their stance is inappropriate, I shouldn't be difficult.

Due to a unamicable split and a bad relationship between the adults involved (don't need to explain why/or apportion blame to any adult) their older siblings, who were very young children at the time, had a very difficult upbringing. A very different upbringing from your younger dd/ds who have been very fortunate, and are probably not mature enough to realise how fortunate, to have a stable loving home with both parents throughout their lives.

It is not their older siblings fault, or their fault, but due to the circumstances no emotional bond/connection was built between the siblings and these things don't just happen magically because you share a dad, their relationships are complex. Relationships develop through shared experiences and theirs and their siblings experiences have been so very very different. If they had to choose they would not have picked their siblings experience and they cannot say how they would have acted if there were in similar circumstances.

Emphasise again how very fortunate they were the ones that had a stable home and insist they are expected to be civil to their dads other children when they visit their dad just as those children are expected to be civil to them and you will have zero tolerance for immature, unsympathetic "it’s their home" one-upmanship as you expect better from them.

If DSC don't want a relationship with your DC it's a bit sad but up to them. Full siblings don't always maintain a relationship when adults. Your DH relationship with his older 2 DC is none of your DC's business. Your DH should maintain a relationship with all his DC. You can please yourself. But at 16 and 17 your DC can't dictate who other adults have a relationship with.

Grew up in blended family my lovely sister (half for the record) hated me when she was a teen. But now we are both adults and she apologised for the way she treated me when she was younger and are very v close

She said she was angry and believed all the nonsense her mum spouted and directed her anger at the wrong people.

She is also now NC with her mum for years now. And she had a shit ton of therapy- where she was told quite categorically that although she was a child of a divorced home, that she was now a adult and just because your hurt doesn't mean you go around hurting others and it be justified

I can see a lot of people excusing this type of behaviour as if the people we are talking about aren't adults and are punishing their blood for existing and that's all fine and dandy 😵‍💫

People can and do make other choices that isn't well of course you don't want to see your half siblings as a adult you must be so jealous of the new family. I would find that really bizarre if someone said that to me and I know my sister would feel the same.

That said I never pushed my sister in regards to a relationship and let her make the first move. I always felt v sorry for her - especially when she had to pretend to hate me when mum collected her and the others.

My mum framed it to me at a young age that me doing that and not letting her see my hurt as a kindness and protecting her because I also knew her mother would punish her if she had a inkling she even acknowledged me.

Op I totally get where your kids are coming from, my vote is to acknowledge your children's pain as valid (because it is) and that equal to the older siblings pain and I would say to them dad can't cut them off because your all his kids. And I would leave the older steps relationship to dad and if asked I would tell them it's hard to have a relationship with you when your willing hurt my children over a matter that they didn't cause.

Maybe they will change maybe they won't but my god they you bet if they need a kidney in the future they might have the door slammed in their face. Choices have consequences and all that

Also anyone else enjoying the 16/17 shouldn't have influence on who dad spends time with (which I agree with in all scenarios)

But the same people saying this, have also commented on the past saying that if a 16/17 step child doesn't want dad to date or marry again, dad shouldn't be a relationship with that person and "put his kids first".

It's so interesting the difference in social rules that apply to children of a first marriage than the ones of a second...

1. Stop calling them "SKIDS". Horrible, and very telling about your attitude.
2. Acknowledge your children's hurt, as I'm sure you do.
3. Recognise that these relationship dynamics will have been very hard for your step kids. Their behaviour seems immature, but
4. Your own children are old enough to be reminded that your step kids are every but as much your husband's children as they are. While the situation is really disappointing, you and your husbsnd would never cut off any of your children, or ban them from the house.

I can’t believe people saying your teenage children should be old enough to understand but not your adult step children.
Please validate your children’s feelings. Not only have the been rejected by the people you are telling them should be important to them, but their parents are in their eyes putting them first.
Im not saying their dad should stop seeing the older children, but he should be giving them a stern talking to. You can’t still blame their mum at this point.
He can then look his younger children in the eye and say, look I don’t agree with how they are behaving but I’m your father and I love all of you, and want to maintain a relationship with all of you. You could do the same but tbh if my dss treated my children like that I don’t think I would want to maintain a relationship. He’s very out of sight out of mind with them and that’s hard enough as they adore him, but if he actually treated them with disdain I would be having harsh words. What other relationship would you maintain with someone who treats your children badly?

Sounds like you're forcing the relationship too hard. It's more damaging I think.

I know it’s easier said than done but I’d really try to just move on from this completely if you can. Because you’re talking about grown-up people being really rude for no good reason and I can’t see that changing.

Whatever ridiculous expectations their mother had about them ignoring their half siblings, she had no way of knowing whether they did as she said or not. But there’s zero excuse for perpetuating this rudeness into adulthood.

I’d really encourage your own DC to forget about them for now and not ‘pour over social media’ looking for mentions. Time to move on. Being happy will be the best outcome for you and your DC.

People generally say that when there is no second family yet and adults are behaving badly, children need their parents and should come first.

Once there are two families with children, both sets of children come first. Coming first doesn't mean agreement if one set of children are behaving badly.

I agree. Whilst we like to imagine it's natural for older children to care about younger ones it really isn't. It's something that needs fostering from the word go. I'm sure you care about your SC but I doubt you love them. They hardly know your children.
I also suspect your children are hurt by this partly because you've implied they should be. Even siblings within a household don't always like/love each other. As long as they're not mean to them I don't see it as a problem to be overcome.
I'd imagine it's your husband who feels it most. Remember that.

At 16 & 17 they are old enough to understand relationships, and have to accept that no-one can be forced to have a relationship they don't want, and equally, to understand that their dad loves them all. They have no right to ask him to take sides.

Why they are 'poring over social media' rather than getting on with their own lives I don't quite understand. At 16 & 17 surely they have more important things to do with their time.

No the kids are saying they don't want the unpleasant skids in their house.

Fair enough, the father can see them somewhere else.

Not wanting a relationship with your half siblings when you are young yourself and being heavily influenced by adults is not behaving badly. It is being manipulated by adults and being a child stuck in the middle of a very shitty situation.

Once you are an adult yourself, not having had, not now wanting a relationship, not feeling comfortable with nearly adult children who are otherwise strangers to you because of the previous long term circumstances, but being civil when you see them is not behaving badly, it is the outcome of the situation and a valid choice.

I have no idea what "They pour over social media and can’t believe there isn’t one mention of them" is all about. These 16/17 year olds seem to be fixated on finding offense when there is none and that is behaving badly. Their parents need to clamp down on that kind of talk and explain how siblings are not always close and that is ok, but they can be civil.

Trying to manipulate a relationship based only on your wants and terms, trying to manipulate your dad's relationship with his other children, trying to make your dad choose between his children when you had all the advantages of a stable home is behaving very badly.