When adult SKIDS blank half siblings…?

[starsandspark]

Maybe blank is a harsh word but certainly only give crumbs.
Background. I’ve been SM for 25 years. Not the OW. 2 Adult SKIDS since age 5 & 7.
DH and Birth mother have very poor relationship (from DH being denied access causing court case many years ago) and SKIDS must always make BM happy. BM has serous MH issues.
DH and I have had a pretty OK relationship with both SKIDS over the years.
But….they refuse to show any interest in their two half siblings, my DD and DS.
This has been raised many times over the years and always results in a huge row as the adult SKIDS are not allowed by BM to acknowledge their siblings and SKIDS believe we should just accept their situation and be grateful for the relationship we do have.
A couple of times this has almost broken our relationship with them completely as they saw us as too much trouble to see at all, so we made a decision to back off and now see them reasonably regularly but rarely in our house. Although very hurtful and upsetting it hasn’t been a massive issue up to recently….
DD and DS are now 17 and 16. This is the problem. They hate the SKIDS for ignoring them. They pour over social media and can’t believe there isn’t one mention of them (or us to be fair) and both of them think both me and DH should break ties with them as it’s so rude (we wouldn’t allow them to behave like this is a regular comment). They receive nothing, no birthday wishes, the maximum would be an ‘alright’ if they cross paths.
Our DD and DS are nice teens with no issues other than their older siblings. DD and DS really wanted a relationship with SKIDS when they were younger and have been rejected which understandably has caused real dislike now.
Raising it again with SKIDS will categorically cause a row and not change their attitude as it hasn’t worked in the last 17 years. We also can’t talk to BM as she hates DH so much it would delight her if he was upset.
DD and DS don’t want them in the house as it’s their home (it was never the SKIDS home) and don’t want us to see them as we are showing love to people who don’t love them or even like them.
What to do…..?
thanks

I think you empathize with your kids. Make sure they feel heard and maybe do therapy.

I would also remind them though that the older kids have had a traumatic childhood and this is how things have unfolded.

At the end of the day your kids had a childhood your step kids could never even imagine. They were left to an emotionally unstable mom who wouldn't let them see their Dad. They have ultimately suffered from the adults around them.

Your children while rejection hurts had the luxury or a stable home and parents who remained together. Your children are the lucky ones here.

Why on earth was their father’s home never the step-children’s home? If they didn’t feel
feel fully welcome and integrated, that is on him.

if you want a better relationship between all the children, you might start by trying to figure
out why the older children didn’t feel like they belonged in their father’s home and try to have him make amends for that.

I have a slightly similar situation in that my 4 year old daughter's half brother and sister by her dad are actually unkind to her and snub her at every opportunity. They were 23 and 21 when she was born!

The 'brother' agreed to be her godfather months before the Christening and then pulled out 2 days before it. Disgusting behaviour in my opinion.

Well they can't be banned from their own parents life and home can they so they need to get that idea out their heads. Their dad leaving and 'replacing' them obviously hurt them a lot.

I agree that while this is very sad you can’t force two adults to have a relationship with other family members. For whoever reason, they have made their feelings perfectly clear.

you need to focus on helping your children work through their feelings of rejection and disappointment. I know it sucks, but your step children don’t have to have a relationship with their dad’s ‘new’ children. Unfortunately their mum has been able to influence them to such an extent that they, and your children, are missing out on a relationship that could be enriching for them all.

and please don’t call their mum their birth mother. This is a term usually used for mothers who have given their children up for adoption to distinguish from their actual mum. When step mums call their step children’s mum the ‘birth mum’ it implies they have taken over as mum and all the original mum did was give birth. I am sure you can understand why that has a very strong reaction from some people: She is just their mum. No need to qualify it: just like you are your children’s mum.

You can do nothing except talk to your children and advise they stay of social media if them seeking out info upsets them

And no one has the right to dictate other people's relationships with others

This exactly. What are they wanting them to say on social media? How much older are they?

I've never heard the terms 'skids' as a term for step kids, is it popular? Looked it up on urban dictionary and it sounds so negative! 'Skids'- someone who is down on their luck, and the 'skid mark' connotation.
Are the teens used to being the very centre of everyone else's life and mentioned all the time? How often are they mentioning the half Siblings on social media?

That was the deal when I married your dad...I knew he had other children and I took that on too.

Why would you put that on the younger children though? They didn't ask to be born. It shouldn't be suggested that any of those things are their responsibility.

It doesn’t sound like they are missing much, just point that out to them…

Just let your DH have a relationship with them and the rest of you enjoy your life. If they’re jealous or resentful, it’s not likely to change.

“BM and the skids” is a US-style insult for the ex-wife and step-children.

Weren’t your step children around 16 when yours were born? I don’t think it’s that unusual that they don’t have much of a relationship with children born when they were adults, they didn’t grow up together. And lots of adults have very little of their extended family on social media. They’re adults with lives and families of their own I expect. The kids didn’t ask to be part of a step family which much younger siblings, maybe they just really want a relationship with their dad?

I think there's too many people trying to control other people's relationships. Firstly the birth mother and now your DC. It's a real shame your step children, even as adults, are having to prioritise their mother's MH over their family. Your children are naturally hurt but they're approaching adulthood now. They can't expect their father and you to deny other children/step children - it doesn't mean you love them any less.

Honestly you need to explain to your children that their father will never ever cut off Any of his children no matter how badly they act and that it's not a reasonable request of them. They've decided they don't want a relationship with their half siblings which is sad but it doesn't make them 'terrible people' either.

I didn't read it at 'skids' I thought it was an abbreviation 🤷‍♀️

ok agree on birthmum comment but I also think it's wrong to use the term 'new children' as if the other parents has replaced his older children. 'Younger siblings' or younger half siblings is ok. Ex partners often seem to do this and it can instill resentment in their children.

Sorry - I used the comma’s to highlight this is how the children might feel about their younger half siblings: wasn’t implying the younger children replaced the older children - just reflecting g on how this might be viewed by the older children who are clearly struggling.

I think at 16 & 17 your children are old enough to understand a little of the nuance in the situation and learn a bit of empathy.

For a lot of children, the breakup of their family unit is utterly devastating. For your step-children, taking you at your word about their DM, they were then weaponised and manipulated by their most trusted adult for their entire childhood. This will absolutely have shaped all of their feelings and views regarding their father and his younger children. Even in the happiest of blended families, it's hard to watch your dad move on and start a new family and live full time with his new kids. And this was very far from the happiest of blended families.

Tbh, your children need to stop making it about them. They've got a lovely home life by the sounds of things, and if they've never had a close relationship with their half siblings then they don't know any different. Perhaps they could be encouraged to focus primarily on their own lot (i.e. stop "pouring over social media") and try to view the situation through their half siblings' eyes, since they were the ones who have had to actually live with the fallout of their parents' marriage breakdown. It certainly isn't up to them to demand that you and their father cut the older children off.

If your children have never had a relationship with their half siblings it shouldn’t be that hurtful that they aren’t mentioned in social media posts. I’d get off the social media tbh - if you looked at my social media you would miss about half the important relationships in my life because I don’t post a lot about those people. Social media should never be used as a barometer of the importance of relationships. It seems a bit like looking for a reason to complain.

It’s your job to dial down the drama and hurt & offence taking & explain to your children how it was for their half siblings. Explain why they may feel the way they do & that it is not personal. It wouldn’t matter what sort of person they were & there is nothing they can do to make their half siblings want a relationship. Point out to them what they do have - a secure family of 4.

With regards to the step children i would work on encouraging a relationship with their dad to begin with.

Did you have 50/50 when your step kids were young? Did they feel part of the family then? Or were they 'visiting'?

My kids have a younger step-sibling now, and whilst they're nice enough to the little one, I can't see how there can be much of a relationship when they only see their dad once a fortnight (max), never share special occasions, and the very few times they've stayed overnight, it's been in the guest room. Our situation is extreme, but if the step kids never felt part of the family, they probably just don't feel like OP's children are siblings

@RecycleMePlease hope you don't say that around your children. That would be cruel. Most children like the idea of having a sibling and would be proud of younger bro or sis even if they live in another home. Sometimes their insecurities are fed and encouraged by the adults they spend the majority of the time with putting their 'spin' on it and then turning around and going 'look, they don't feel part of your family.' Hmm wonder why.

No, I absolutely don't, I keep everything light around the situation with their dad, my policy is not to criticise or praise, but just to engage in normal conversation if it comes up. When I described the baby as their brother, my youngest corrected me 'half-brother' - I was taken a bit aback, and just said 'OK', and moved the conversation on by asking where they went for lunch (or something similarly innocuous - I can't remember).

There's no insecurity, they don't seem to feel sad or 'replaced' they've very much just carried on as they were (he was very absent before the split, so they don't miss him as other kids seem to post-split).

My point is, that ex's not doing anything to make them feel included, or develop a relationship with their little half-sibling, and if that's the situation with OP's kids/step kids, then that's why their adult step kids don't feel connected - just like I wouldn't feel connected to some of my relations (eg. my cousin's kids) because whilst they're family, and I like my cousins, I just haven't spent time with them, and don't have a relationship with them.

Maybe you should ask their mother?

While some dad's are shit there are mothers, who are ex-spouses/ex-partners, that weaponise their children. This means the children never see their dad's home as ever their home no matter what their dad and their dad's partner/wife does to try to make it homely for them.

Also if the children, who are now adults, cannot acknowledge and be polite to those who live in the household then it is fair they are not allowed to visit.

If I ever acted like these adult children did in my dad's household as a child let alone as an adult I would have been in serious trouble with my mother let alone my dad and other members in my family.

@Reugny Indeed! Not to mention, the step children are now in their 30s, maybe this particular home was purchased after the stepchildren were adults already anyway, given that there is a 15/16 year age gap.

No it isn't. It is an awful term to use and I do hope the OP means it when she thought it was the correct tern rather than it being used in a derogatory manner.