For my sanity and for clarity @roseheartfly I have broken down your comments that lead me to that conclusion. Also no where in my post have I ever said ops dcs upset should stop dad seeing his elder kids and "preferring the new family" I said simply that everyone's emotions are equal to each other regardless of title but emotions don't always need actions.
"It's not your SC fault they have half siblings."
Yes your right but on the flip side it's not ops children's fault - that they exist, and imo weird way to talk about half siblings being in existence - like a mistake has taken place and blame needs to be assigned. Now if we were talking about child to child relationships sure I can get this language. But ops situation is talking about step sibling (adult) to actual children of second family. I would expect a children to act and say/act like this, not an adult who has the capacity to see that their half siblings also didn't choose this either. Empathy is this weird two way street that goes both ways and we don't know the finer details on one post on MN.
ops adult step kids have a good/welcoming relationship with her - so I personally find it emotionally immature for adults to exclude a child on this basis whilst accepting their step mum. It's cruel of adults because it's a game of I'm excluding you because I'm upset and because of the dynamics I know I can get away with it. Children can be cruel without knowledge, and need direction) I refuse to believe the adult step siblings don't know how cruel this is. I hate my co worker but I don't come to her house invited for a Christmas party and say hello to everyone bar her 😂
Speak to your DC about this. Their attitude isn't fair and that's on you.*
They absolutely shouldn't be dictating if dad sees the step siblings. But emotions don't have a moral compass, actions do. If we could get sent to jail for our thoughts most people would be in jail. Also while I'm here ops children have two parents their attitude isn't just on op - it's also on their dad 🙄
Who is the one who actively chose and participated in the creation of all these humans who needs to gently explain that he gets their feelings, they are valid but they don't dictate how his relationship is with this older kids. And he needs to say to the older kids hey look I respect you don't want a relationship with your half siblings- but when you come to the house please don't outright blank them and not say because it's rude and the word hello doesn't cost you anything and they are children and it's hard to explain why it's ok for them to be blanked by anyone entering their home (regardless of title) and I don't want them thinking this is ok as adults.
Can you imagine any other situation socially where someone comes into your home and doesn't even acknowledge you verbally with a nod hello etc ? Acknowledging someone doesn't mean you're up for a relationship or even to talk, it's acknowledging another human and it's rude if you don't.*
They've had mum and dad entirely. They are blessed.*
Yes this whole situation must seem like such a blessing to ops children. Being ignored in your own home by adult half siblings while they friendly and have a warm relationship with your mum and dad and completely ignore your existence every time they show up at your house. Like you're not even there.
Sounds like having mum and dad together will solve all those weird feelings they have and not allowed to express without being guilted into not upsetting mum, dad step siblings - no need for therapy later to unpick that.... I feel like I'm having a stately homes conversation tbh
Side note if anyone had have ever been made to feel like an object you will know just how fucking damaging that can be to someone's sense of self as a person. That's as an adult let alone a kid.*
DSC have been passed from pillar to post. *
This is likely true. I was a step kid so I was passed from pillar to post and it's funny isn't it, the adults in my life had more of an issue with it than I did as a kid. But now as an adult I can acknowledge it was a shitty situation for all, not just myself. God knows having a well rounded empathy bone for not just me, has helped me as a person.
However the reason why they have been put in the situation is mum and dad's divorce. If there's hurt anger or whatever it needs to be directed at the creators of, not innocent bystanders.*
They've expressed they aren't interested. Respect their boundaries.*
Again I don't think anyone has said on this thread op your children have a point stop dad seeing his adult children at once because they are hurting and cast to them out for the "new family" 🙄
People have said variations of - I don't know if I could act warmly to my adult step kids if they treated my own kids like statues in their own home, not worthy of a greeting, maybe dad can take the adults out if they want one on one time with dad and add a little distance op.
Quite a lot of people yourself included use language to describe the older step sibs as children or child like. When they are not they are adults. Adults who have been through trauma, I get it but at some point to stop the cycle of trauma - you gotta start owning the consequences of your actions and if you need to go therapy do that. But just because you're hurting doesn't mean you get to hurt others and that's somehow ok. Grace imo should be given to all but especially children who don't understand and don't have the mental capacity to understand their actions and the impact like ops.
The adult children should have their boundaries respected in terms of they don't want a relationship with their step siblings period. That doesn't overwrite the fact that their younger step siblings also have boundaries and feelings and maybe dad since he created this weird situation should focus on making the situation more comfortable for all his kids.
Elder step siblings (adults)- don't want relationship with younger half siblings (children) and refused to acknowledge the children's actual existence when being in the kids home is a pretty big clue to they don't feel comfortable in the presence of younger half siblings. Since they are adults and the younger kids only have one home. Dad can and should meet them else where ? It's not like we are talking about step kids who have overnight stays here - but hotels exist for a reason and as the elder ones are adults chances are they have homes too and they just wanna see their dad. Theres an easy fix here.
The younger kids obviously have feelings on this but no one can or should force a relationship. That said their home should be their safe place and since the adult step siblings for wherever reason can/don't want to acknowledge their existence in the youngest home and clearly feel uncomfortable being ignored in their home.
It's pretty clear that actually there's a solution that would make both sides of the kids feel more comfortable as both sides didn't ask for this. However it will make the adults of the situation feel uncomfortable because it would have to acknowledge that none of the kids are comfortable/happy and dad would actually have to do some leg work both side and couldn't pretend oh look at us all so happy at home under one house. It might also make the elder siblings feel more comfortable in their relationship with their dad and maybe that will help relations down the road with the younger ones.
But what do I know I just grew up in a blended family 💫