SD HATES her dad! What to do?

[hllxx]

My step daughter is 2.5yrs old, met her when she was just over 1, and the past few weeks she has shown a sudden, strong dislike to her father (my bf). We have her EOW and Wednesdays for a few hours and every time he picks her up she will scream as loud as possible, hit, kick, punch, scratch, she even scratched his face that much that he was bleeding. She refuses to have him anywhere near her. She has become extremely clingy to me, to the point where if I simply stand up she will shout my name. She will hit her dad and tell him to go away if he goes near her, and closes the doors on him so it's just me and her and will push at the door so he can't come in and shout if he tries. She won't play with him either. She has been calling me mummy recently almost all the time too. Her mother has had a new baby a few weeks ago, could this be affecting her behaviour towards her dad in any way? What can we do to help stop this behaviour towards her dad? I spoke to her about the hitting and asked her why, she said "daddy is nasty" but I can't imagine how. It's hard for him as she will scream if he sits even remotely near her. Any advice on what we can do?

Yes of course the new baby is the cause ( bloody hell she moved on fast didn’t she!!)

poor little love. As ever though, not your issue to fix and I think that you should leave your OH to it. Let them be alone so he has to step up and build the relationship. You’re not helping by being there at this time.

She is teeeeeeny and I can’t believe her mother tbh!!! But it is what it is I guess.

I'd just give her time and lots of patience and both of you telling her that you love her. Maybe dad could talk to mum, if things are amicable and see what can be done to help. Possibly the parents should get advice from the health visitor and see what they recommend

Of course it's the baby

Hold her really really tight in a lovely hug and just kiss her and both tell her how much you love her

She is very young

Very confused with her feelings

Don't take it personally

Spoil her rotten

Little presents etc

It will be a passing phase I'm sure if he just stays calm and patient and kind. That must be horrible for him and very hard to fix when he sees her so little time. I don't think I'm sure if I agree that you should leave them to it, she might just be so overwhelmingly distressed if she genuinely is afraid of/distressed by him and there's no one else there.

Can he discuss with the mother? How is their relationship? Could she be having issues with the mother's new partner?

Hug her a lot

If you're the one she needs right now then all that means is you're a really lovely person

She'll be fine with her dad again soon enough

@Youcannotbeseriousreally Such a judgemental post. Perhaps they split when the child was conceived, that would be three whole years ago. Maybe she's an older mum and needed to get her skates on if she wanted another baby? Completely irrelevant judging there really.

My son does this with his dad since we split (and before). Dad must stay calm and pleasant, never take it personally, properly listen to her, be open and fun and available to give her attention and keep routines and boundaries up. It is hard but if he puts in the work (and doesn't default to letting you take over) then she will probably improve as she gets used to her new sibling.

Change is so hard for them to process sometimes. There are children's books which give activities and ideas to explore her feelings about her sibling, definitely worth buying.

Two kids with 2 different dads in 3 years? I’ll judge all I like thanks! And just LOOK at the impact it’s having on her first daughter. Poor thing deserves so much more.

Yes, she doesn't hate your DP, she's just confused and maybe feeling unsure who her parents are now, and perhaps wanting reassurance from a 'mother figure' because her mum's attention is taken right now. Maybe she's scared that a new stepdad and baby means she's been replaced and so she's lashing out at her dad. I'm not going to assume her mum is doing anything wrong towards her but I guess in the 18 months there has been a lot to take in that she's too young to understand and can't articulate.

As others have said, give her lots of reassurance, talk about her new sibling, be clear she's not 'replaced' and everyone still loves her but the new baby will take a lot of mum's time for a while.

Her mum stopped contact 1st Jan last year for absolutely no reason. So we didn't see her until August as it went through court, she's sent police to his old address where he lived at the time, saying he abused her because she had a rash (she had eczema) but that never went anywhere. He spoke to her and she said there's not much she can do about it. Bf mum reckons she will take him back to court again if this carries on and try make it into a massive deal

I try to get him involved with us as much as possible, i try to get her to play with him, read her stories etc but she won't have anything to do with him whatsoever. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of it as on one side I've got her pulling me away from him and on the other side I'm trying to get him involved to no avail

Relationship with mother is not good, she's high conflict and he took her to court after she stopped contact last year, will do anything to take it back to court and get the court order reviewed and him out of his daughters life. I'm thinking as well maybe the new partner doesn't bother with the daughter much, so she feels pushed aside

Thank you ❤️

Poor little mite. Sounds like she's ever so unsettled and confused.
I don't think there's anything you can do except offer stability and care and ride it out

Maybe if you weren’t there for the next contact time then her father would have to manage if she doesn’t have the option of you stepping in. Sounds like you have taken on a lot in quite a new relationship. Let him figure it out with his dd.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally why are you not judging the dad as he moved on in the same timescales. Or is your bar for mens actions much lower?

She comes to our house for dinner on Wednesdays and stays the weekend EOW, so I can't not be there as it is my house, but I'm thinking on the weekend giving them an hour or two alone and see how they get on. I feel I already know what will happen

It sounds like you're her safe person right now. I would let her be clingy, but get Dad to be present, don't force interaction, but be consistent with him being there. So get her to engage with you and then he comes and sits down in the same room. If she kicks off tell her gently that it is his home and he is allowed to be in this space. That you would like to carry on playing with her. You may have a few months of this, but I would go for lots of verbal reassurance.
As others have said perhaps invest in some books about new babies so she can see that she won't be pushed out although possibly the new step dad is making her feel unwanted too. Good luck.

We picked her up last week from nursery on the Friday (normally it's mothers home) and she was ok - but she fell over as soon as she seen us so she didn't have chance to get mad, he cuddled her and she felt better but instantly wanted me. Might be better next Friday from nursery as her mother & new brother won't be there, but will have to see

Oh I’m judging him too for being generally shit, he’s not had another baby though , which is very significant I think. The OP needs to pull right back though as she’s making it very easy for him to be shit.

Her mothers boyfriend has a 4 year old which contact has been seized due and ongoing court proceedings due to him domestically abusing his ex partner (his child's mother)🤦🏻‍♀️

Thank you for your advice. I play with her in the same room as him when she allows him there but she won't get involved with him at all. I love that she feels safe and comfortable with me and wants me around her constantly, makes me feel like I'm doing a good job, hopefully this will pass

Oh bloody hell OP. You’ve got yourself right into the middle of a huge mess haven’t you.

I am tempted to ask if he is worth all of this? I think he’s living in your home? Be careful here that you consider YOUR Happiness too.

Mmm

I'd be worried about the mothers DP and why she dislikes men perhaps suddenly

That might be a leap though

@Mirrormeback thought the same

Hes got a 4 yr old son he's not allowed to see as he domestic abused sons mother when they were together. I feel like he doesn't bother with my SD or give her attention, especially now his new baby has come along, who knows