SD HATES her dad! What to do?

[hllxx]

My step daughter is 2.5yrs old, met her when she was just over 1, and the past few weeks she has shown a sudden, strong dislike to her father (my bf). We have her EOW and Wednesdays for a few hours and every time he picks her up she will scream as loud as possible, hit, kick, punch, scratch, she even scratched his face that much that he was bleeding. She refuses to have him anywhere near her. She has become extremely clingy to me, to the point where if I simply stand up she will shout my name. She will hit her dad and tell him to go away if he goes near her, and closes the doors on him so it's just me and her and will push at the door so he can't come in and shout if he tries. She won't play with him either. She has been calling me mummy recently almost all the time too. Her mother has had a new baby a few weeks ago, could this be affecting her behaviour towards her dad in any way? What can we do to help stop this behaviour towards her dad? I spoke to her about the hitting and asked her why, she said "daddy is nasty" but I can't imagine how. It's hard for him as she will scream if he sits even remotely near her. Any advice on what we can do?

I think lots of kids go through these phases but hers is heightened because she’s been through so much change.

It is a lot for a child to have their dad leave, then get a new gf, then mum get a new bf and get pregnant and have a baby all within 1.5 years.

I would just give her the love and consistency she needs and encourage a relationship between DH but not push it.

Show him affection too and show her how you can all show each love and affection.

Also talk about what an amazing big sister she’s going to be.

Would he be open to a parenting course? It sounds like he means well but does a lot of things that aren't great and it might be better for him to be told this by a neutral party rather than yourself.

Sounds like she loves you because youre the only one thats actually showing her a bit of love and nurturing. Your partner sounds like an idiot. Who the hell would try and improve their relationship with a toddler by putting them on the naughty step for 10 minutes, and just for not wanting to eat dinner??

I think youre going to have your heart broken with this kid. Youve got yourself into the middle of a chaotic situation, and you arent ever going to have a say in how this kid is raised. Im not sure what the right thing to do now is, but I would say PLEASE keep your own boundaries in place

Your boyfriend sounds as bad if not worse than her mother.
So its been 3 months he has been back in her life and he's had enough already, before even introducing you he should have built is relationship back up with her, she's had so much change and new people.
I doubt the bf would even bother though if he didn't have you there to do it all.

Her father needs parenting classes. That would be a start. Poor child.

My bet is the father of the new baby is besotted by his baby (is it a boy?) and she isn't getting much attention from him and because mum has a new baby she probably hasn't got much time for her either.

So in her brain men only like you until there is a new baby so she might as well stop liking her dad because she thinks he will reject her soon.

The poor little girl, she sounds so confused, left out and crying out for a nurturing, positive relationship with an adult in her life. There has been so much change in her little life in the past nine months which she has had no control of.

The new baby- feelings of being left out this is unavoidable
Her Mum-also feelings of being pushed down the ladder as she deals with the new baby and previous to this, Her mum building this relationship with her new boyfriend. Again, this is unavoidable to a degree.
Her mum’s new boyfriend-again here, he has just had a new baby and probably all his attention is going there, maybe he doesn’t have much interest in her she just is an addition to his girlfriend. And something that needs to be always kept in mind, is his past history.
Her biological father-he disappeared in her eyes, he’s now back who is to say he will disappear again in her eyes? He really really needs to do a parenting course and be willing to change, to understand his own child better and learn how to build a relationship with her. The way he’s disciplining her now, even if he had a really good relationship with her would be hugely damaging to this relationship and he is starting on the back foot as it is.
You- in the four adult relationships, you have mentioned in your posts, are her only constant at the moment. You are her only nurturing relationship that she feels safe in. I agree with the post which suggest you and your boyfriend working together you play with child and him being there, being the good person being the nice person playing parallel to her and him only, only being a positive parent. Now is not the time for you to be stepping back yet or leaving them alone yet, as knowing the bigger picture from reading the rest of your post, it would just cause more confusion and more attachment to you because she will be worried that you will leave her. Your boyfriend needs to do a parenting course and a potty training course ASAP. He needs to follow people on Instagram who deal with positive parenting and he needs to be willing to put the time in. At the moment, she believes in the most positive, stable influence on her life but It is quite a precarious one in that, if you and your boyfriend to go separate ways, she would be left alone.
With children, especially small children behaviour is communication and she’s communicating. She doesn’t need rules from your boyfriend, she needs to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel important.

Following this because its incredibly disturbing. OP you sound sweet but really iver your head. Your bf is incompetent and self indulgent. He needs to get to fighting for his dd at least half time. She is in danger in that household and this EOW crap is not enough for her.

The only thing you can do is make yourself a/the reason to come to your house = lots of love, attention, talking & hope eventually she settles or you can teach her properly that you love her father too because he's a good person

So both her parents are incompetent. The SD is abusive. And you are a new girlfriend taking over as the parent.

I feel awful for this girl, but you need to get out.

I have a sad feeling you are going to stay, have a kid with this man, and then one more child is going to be exposed to all this abuse and dysfunction.

I hope I'm wrong..you do seem woefully naive though..

If your step daughter's new step dad didn't bother with her, it's unlikely to be the reason for her fear of her biological dad. She would more likely react to wanting more attention from her biological father if this was the case.

If she felt like she was being taken away from her mum etc this could be a way of reacting. Especially if mum has mentioned to her that her dad was nasty etc.

I think best way forward would be dad contacts health visitor and asks for support with attachment concerns.

She's very little to be away from main care giver.

Reading some of his ways of disciplining her is awful. If I was taken out of my home for a weekend I would be off my food and I wouldn't be at my best.
I certainly wouldn't expect someone who had fought the court system to have me in their life to ignore me when I was frightened and upset.
I'm an adult so can verbalize my feelings a little more accurately than an infant.
What you're describing is child abuse. You have witnessed a man take advantage of his position of being an adult with an infant away from her main care giver and just be completely nasty.
Your step daughter is right, at nearly 3 she can see a nasty man.
Each time she doesn't want food, he needs to be saying it doesn't matter she can take it or leave it.
Now is not the time for boundaries. He should be enjoying her company for a few hours a week and then handing her back. She should be having a bit of respite from her noisy baby sibling not feeling interrogated each time she's in her father's company.
As an adult you should advocate for her by reporting his abuse to social services. Next time she visits and you witness abuse, call him out on it and step in.
Remove the child from the atmosphere and perhaps even make contact with mum to say her infant needs collecting as she's unhappy after dad did xyz.
This little girl has no one else except you to protect her when in his company.

This!

Read this a few times, @hllxx because it seems to me it says it all.

@hllxx your bf hasn’t got a clue and sounds dreadful, not surprised his dd dislikes him.
Put the child first for now, if that means you are her safe place then so be it.
Poor mite is going to grow up in two dysfunctional households.

While trying to do right by this child it's important to remember that if you and your partner split it's unlikely you will be given contact with her, even if it is the case that you're the only attentive caregiver she has. There's a lot of potential for heartbreak here and you might want to think twice.

OP I don't think you are overstepping. I think this little girl needs a loving stable environment. I'd say follow your instincts as they seem to be better than her fathers. Definitely get him on a parenting course.

And as ever the dad is without blame.

You sound like a lovely person, Op, your SD is lucky to have you.

While I’m the last person to advocate for the poor menz, I would hope that your partner is just clueless rather than cruel. He’s been handed a fully fledged toddler and is expected to know what to do with her, which is quite unrealistic really. How many of us get everything exactly perfect with our first child?

His attitude to the suggestion of a parenting course should tell you what you need to know. He should welcome the idea of learning to be a good dad and if he doesn’t, I’d be disentangling myself from him. Don’t for god’s sake get pregnant OP 😕.

he sounds like an awful father - he’s punishing her for rejecting him essentially. I think if you’re going to continue to be involved in her life he needs to quit it with the authoritarian supernanny (which he’s doing wrong anyway) bullshit and show the poor girl some love and affection while also giving her some space.

if you ever split up this girl is going to be left all alone with his inadequate parenting.

The problem is that you've taken over and so the space isn't there for her dad to insert himself into her life. You've made it easier for her to ignore him, and easier for him to give up.

Your role is to facilitate their relationship, not to take it over for yourself.

It's a hard balance ensuring that she's happy but still pushing the relationship with her dad. But you're quite clearly loving being a mum to her, and in doing so have pushed him out and confirmed to his DD that he's not the important one in her life.

Dammit. I thought I'd got to the end of the thread, but I missed a load of pages. So ignore the bits that have already been addressed, and yes, your DH needs parenting advice because his disciplinary approach is a real issue.

You sound absolutely lovely, OP. However Your partner sounds like an awful father and he seriously needs to work on his patience. Naughty corner for a 2.5 year old that doesn't want dinner? WTAF?

I would be worried about the mother's boyfriend.

Both you and her dad just need to provide lots of love, time, care and patience. That's way more important than boundaries and discipline at the moment. Poor mite. She's so little and so mixed up.

She has watched her Mum focus on a new baby.

Her Dad not with her all the time. He ‘sends her back to mum’ from her perspective.
They often take anger out on the parent they want support from, partly because they feel safe to do so, partly because they blame that parent for allowing them to feel that way. Of course it isn't rational’ , two year olds simply cannot manage their feelings or understand their own emotions.

Your Bf really really must not give up trying. She needs to know that he loves her unconditionally. It’s OK for him to say ‘I know you feel angry but I love you’.

He shouldn’t be putting her in any ‘naughty corner’ at all. Not for not wanting her dinner. Poor child.

And even Jo Frost, the timeout-advocating SuperNanny only ever said 1 min per child’s age: so 2 mins.

Shutting a crying 2 year old out in the hall for 10 minutes is horrible. Really horrible.