SD HATES her dad! What to do?

[hllxx]

My step daughter is 2.5yrs old, met her when she was just over 1, and the past few weeks she has shown a sudden, strong dislike to her father (my bf). We have her EOW and Wednesdays for a few hours and every time he picks her up she will scream as loud as possible, hit, kick, punch, scratch, she even scratched his face that much that he was bleeding. She refuses to have him anywhere near her. She has become extremely clingy to me, to the point where if I simply stand up she will shout my name. She will hit her dad and tell him to go away if he goes near her, and closes the doors on him so it's just me and her and will push at the door so he can't come in and shout if he tries. She won't play with him either. She has been calling me mummy recently almost all the time too. Her mother has had a new baby a few weeks ago, could this be affecting her behaviour towards her dad in any way? What can we do to help stop this behaviour towards her dad? I spoke to her about the hitting and asked her why, she said "daddy is nasty" but I can't imagine how. It's hard for him as she will scream if he sits even remotely near her. Any advice on what we can do?

Her mothers boyfriend has a 4 year old which contact has been seized due and ongoing court proceedings due to him domestically abusing his ex partner (his child's mother)

That information needs to be flagged . It might be why the little one doesn't like her father anymore...

EDIT - just because he doesn't obviously spend time with her it doesn't mean he isn't pinching her putting her in a car seat, or bed. Or he could give menacing looks or low voice instead of obvious shouting. Look for bruises and/or flinching.

We flagged it up to the court and social services who looked into it. Apparently it's not causing an effect on her so it got dismissed as a cause for concern :/

How is your bf feeling about all this and how is he dealing with it ?

If the mums new bf already has a child he's not allowed to see and your step daughters behaviour has recently changed, then maybe this is part of a bigger problem than 'just' a new baby. Could she fearful of men based on something mum's boyfriend has done?
I think I'd want professional advice for this one - I'd be telling my partner to talk to his daughter's health visitor re safeguarding and possibly flagging the home situation with social services. This is more than you can fix by yourself.

I feel almost that he has stopped trying with her. Obviously it makes him feel shit, but he doesn't try to interact much with her anymore

He has to keep being present. He cannot opt out because this is too hard or because he thinks she doesn't want him. She needs him more than ever and this is an absolutely critical time where he has to be fully a father to her. Too many men are weak and opt out when things get difficult but it's crucial he doesn't do this to her

This is just silly. The child doesn’t know her new sibling has a different Dad, she’s just reacting like almost every single toddler does to a new baby in the house. Are families never to add to their children because of the reaction of the child already in place?

OP my DD was like this with her Dad and Grandads. They’re all quite expressive men, loud laughs, attempts to rough and tumble - they did stop once it was clear she didn’t like it though - but she just hated that kind of interactions and preferred to always be with women. She’s a teenager now and her brother is her best mate 😁. It will be fine.

Edit as have read the thread and see that the boyfriend is dodgy. I still stand by the first paragraph though. And I think the rest is relevant too. My dd assigned those kinds of behaviours to all men she knew and potentially this is what SD is doing too. Can her dad go for full residency?

Why are you trying so hard to make this work if your bf and the girls dad has stopped bothering and interacting with her. Does he see you as childcare? Also you said it is your house. I hope you don’t have a cocklodger you so often hear about on here.

Not sure what a cocklodger is haha, we are both on the tenancy and have lived here since March 2023

I'd suggest taking a step back so he has to parent her. Be out when she comes around. The poor girl has alot of instability.

Personally I think it's great that you are trying so hard to help. In the end there's a little girl, who is deeply unhappy and who needs the adults in her life (all of them) to help her. It doesn't actually matter that this isn't the OP's child - she is still a constant for this baby and obviously OP and this little girl love each other. Kids don't care about blood family, they care about being loved and feeling safe.

Please do a Claire's Law on the ex new partner.

I don't think going out and leaving your DP to parent is necessarily the right thing to do now. This baby is very new she wants a "mummy" to herself. Give it time.

Do lots of fun things that include DP like the playground and playing even if he has to sit at edge of the room etc.

I feel almost that he has stopped trying with her. Obviously it makes him feel shit, but he doesn't try to interact much with her anymore
Oh FFS well that's a hugely significant part of it. Is your bf a completely thick idiot? Or a lazy shithead just leaving it all to you?

He needs to get over himself fast for the sake of his kid. She's pushing him away because she's testing how much he loves her. And guess what - he's demonstrating how little he can be bothered with her, making her feel more and more insecure. She's insecure with her mum too (new baby, crappy step-dad), hence calling you mum in the hope that you can become her one constant person that focuses on her.

The problem is that I'm guessing this is a relatively new relationship? And should it breakdown after OP has basically taken over parenting then the little girl will be left with a disinterested Dad. He needs to be actively parenting her on his contact time, not leaving it to his new girlfriend.

We've been together for over 1.5 years, met her when she was 1 but ex stopped contact and it went through court, we gained access in September 2023 so it's been EOW and Wednesdays since then

I think she will become extremely distressed anyway if I was to leave her with him alone and go out. He has started doing the naughty corner, but I feel he puts her in there for excessive amounts of time (like 10 minutes or more if she still cries which can feel a lifetime for a young child). My mum said 3 minutes maximum and she's a nursery TA. We've done Claire's law, and partners ex/Bm is fully aware of her partners past, we rang police and expressed concerns for her safety, but social services deemed it to have no impact on her, so not a lot we can do. I just think she is maybe associating my partner with her step dad as they are both male, as who knows what could be going on in their house. She might feel scared and lash out at her dad and just seems a female where she feels safe. Idk

I desperately hope you are not allowing her to call you mummy, that will be even more confusing for her. Poor child.

I absolutely adore this girl. And she randomly come out the other day and said "I love you" to me. It was lovely, I just want this little girl to be happy when she comes to our house and understand that it's a safe space for her with her dad there, but that will take some time

This sounds so difficult and I would definitely be wanting professional advice and for your boyfriend to absolutely commit to acting on it.

I'm not sure if anyone has suggested this but given the hostility between your bf and his ex, is there a possibility that she has been badmouthing your bf, either directly to your sd or within her hearing?

So you've been in her life for 3 months. You're trying to play Mummy and save her from all the shitty adults in her life (your DP included). It won't do her or you any favours. You're confusing her.

Certainly there seems to be enough going on in sds life to trigger this without adding in extra speculation, but I did wonder...

Erm it sounds like your DP has no clue, why is he punishing a child for crying???

Yes, definitely a possibility. I wouldn't be surprised if she bad mouthed me too, because she's been awful and made comments about me for no reason whatsoever. She's hostile and will do anything to create drama/problem. Bf mum thinks that's what she had been doing to try take him back to court and get court order revoked

How ? I am doing anything a normal person would do with a child. I play with her, comfort her, I don't take over from my boyfriend and his role. I just want this little girl to feel safe and happy in our home

Your bf puts her in the naughty corner for 10mins for crying? Am I understanding that right? That makes no sense.