SD HATES her dad! What to do?

[hllxx]

My step daughter is 2.5yrs old, met her when she was just over 1, and the past few weeks she has shown a sudden, strong dislike to her father (my bf). We have her EOW and Wednesdays for a few hours and every time he picks her up she will scream as loud as possible, hit, kick, punch, scratch, she even scratched his face that much that he was bleeding. She refuses to have him anywhere near her. She has become extremely clingy to me, to the point where if I simply stand up she will shout my name. She will hit her dad and tell him to go away if he goes near her, and closes the doors on him so it's just me and her and will push at the door so he can't come in and shout if he tries. She won't play with him either. She has been calling me mummy recently almost all the time too. Her mother has had a new baby a few weeks ago, could this be affecting her behaviour towards her dad in any way? What can we do to help stop this behaviour towards her dad? I spoke to her about the hitting and asked her why, she said "daddy is nasty" but I can't imagine how. It's hard for him as she will scream if he sits even remotely near her. Any advice on what we can do?

I have never and never would call myself mummy to her. She probably just got confused this weekend as she is more used to saying mummy than my name as she is obviously with her mum more

He did it a few times this weekend and I didn't want to over step but I felt it's too long for her to be in there for. She was in there too because she said she didn't want her dinner, and he left her in there crying for over 10 minutes. I just feel it's too long for her to be in the naughty corner (naughty corner is a small middle room like a hallway and not in an actual room)

I don’t have kids but even I know the naughty step is supposed to be one minute for every year of a child’s life!

Same.

And not before age 3 as an absolute minium.

And don't make battles over food.

OP, I think you need to step right back, you're possibly making the problem worse by constantly being there. What you need to realise is that kids are incredible adaptable, they are resilient and yes this situation sounds VERY difficult, but you have to take the rough with the smooth and the rough has to happen first before you get there.
Dad needs to be given time to parent and not co-parent with you, you are not the girls parent, you're dad's girlfriend. Yes you should be positive influence in her life and a safe adult, but by no means do as much as you're doing so early on.
You're not giving dad the opportunity by always being there. She might cry, kick and scream, but she WILL get used to her father parenting her when there is no other person/option available at dads house with you.

Me and her dad live together and are together on the tenancy, have done since March, so I can't just leave my home every time she comes round. I can give them time to themselves but I can't leave my home every time she comes to stay, I can make myself busy for a few hours or he can leave with her to go to the park for an hour to spend some time with her and see how they get on

I'm sure this goes against all parenting advice but if he buys her great presents she'll probably like him more and see him more like an ally.

Also, Bf doesn't need to ask her to play with him. He can just start playing with a teapot (or whatever) by himself and let her come to him. I think this is better - less pressured and more likely to work.

But more importantly, you & bf need to have a proper chat about how to react when she does something 'wrong'. Come up with scenarios and plan in advance how each one would be handled.

Not sure if this is helpful but, generally, I try to reserve "no" for when my toddler is being wilfully naughty and every other time I just point out the correct behaviour e.g. "please stay on the pavement" (instead of 'don't run in the road'); "give the rabbit gentle strokes" (instead 'don't grab the rabbit') etc. Then give really over the top praise when she follows the instruction well.

Thank you for your advice. She came round on Boxing Day as she was kicking screaming punching when he went to get her on Xmas day so we didn't have her. She was opening her presents and he said this one's off daddy and she shouted NO and threw it across the room and screamed when he sat next to her in the car. I suggested maybe doing something fun every time she comes at weekends like a play area etc so she knows she has fun at her dads house

He did it a few times this weekend and I didn't want to over step but I felt it's too long for her to be in there for. She was in there too because she said she didn't want her dinner, and he left her in there crying for over 10 minutes

Goodness me. Why make such a battle of this?! Just leave her dinner on the side until she's ready to eat it. She's not going to starve herself.

I really think the priority here should be building a nice relationship, not controlling or bullying a child into obedience. I know I don't sound it but I'm actually a strict parent myself. I just believe very strongly that connection and fun are a necessary foundation in all relationships, and if you don't have it then effective discipline will be so much harder for you.

I have a nearly 3 year old and this is heartbreaking. You're totally right it's far too long and they aren't particularly effective anyway according to various research (have a google).

If my DD is really upset, we might say to her "would you like some quiet time on the sofa?" and let her lie there and cry for a bit, mainly because it helps her calm down better than a hug/talking etc ever did (she'd just get more worked up).

In terms of his DD not wanting to be around your BF, I'd say she's acting very rationally to a really difficult situation - a not great step-dad, dad being overly punishing, not seeing Dad for a while therefore a fractured relationship, missing mummy, new sibling...

If your BF can just play with something fun in the same room, speak gently, not discipline (for now) and you can just chatter on "oh look, lucky Daddy has some playdough!", "yes, I love playdough - I'm going to make a snail!" etc etc, without pushing anything, I think she'll come round. We've developed a little routine of high five, fist bump etc which works if they don't want to hug/kiss as a gentler option (DD offers it to her big brother if she doesn't want to hug him). If she doesnt want to high five her dad, you can say "oh, goody. I get to give Daddy a high five!". Just keep modelling the behaviour that Daddy is fun and nice and safe. But it depends on whether your BF is able to be understanding and accept that it is going to be a slow process AND requires him to take a step back with discipline.

OP I get that you want to be there for this upset and confused child but your boyfriend will just leave it all to you if he’s so incapable of the patience and selflessness needed to raise a small child.
The ‘naughty step’ thing is wrong. He needs parenting classes or something. Small children are exhausting and he doesn’t seem capable.
Who knows where the adults in this set up will end up but there’s a good chance you won’t be there forever. He needs to parent his own child. Not you.

Thank you. I did think this was a bit out of order but I didn't want to say anything as I didn't want to overstep on his parenting. He didn't give her much chance to eat either, only about 2 minutes then she was in the naughty corner, I'm struggling with what I'm meant to do as she cries out for me but I just have to stick it out and not go against what her dad is doing

He said the other day "I don't think I'm cut out for this" and would get frustrated as his daughter isn't great with potty training yet and had a few accidents on the floor. I suggested why don't we put the potty in bathroom and he pretends to go for a wee and says to her why don't you come while daddy has a wee and sit on the potty or something like that and it's worked ever since. I just think he needs more patience and to know things csnt just happen over night

but I just have to stick it out and not go against what her dad is doing

Talk to him. Get him to do some parenting classes, read book on child development. Look he is being a really really shit father right now. You can either help him improve the situation, or accept that he's a shitty father. If the latter make note if you end up pregnant - this is how he will treat your child.

Hold on he gave her two minutes to eat her dinner then when she didn’t straight away he put her in time out for 10 abd you wonder why she screams?

at the moment no he isn’t cut out for parenting. Yes her mum having a baby may be an issue, yes her new partner may also be a problem but the truth is how he is handling it is equally responsible and the bit that he can do something about.

2.5 is still fairly young for potty training as well.

he needs help what he is doing is badly damaging and clearly affecting his relationship- he needs parenting classes, and more patience.

poor little girl she clearly is in for a rough ride

This may be an unpopular opinion but I think you are too involved. You need to let him pick her up from the nursery alone, you need to go out and leave him to it a bit. If he's pulling away because she wants you constantly then this isn't going to get much better. You aren't her mother, despite seeming like a lovely step mum, you need to let him figure this out as her father.

I do think you need to keep an eye on the step father situation though.

Sounds like new baby and mum's new partner are the problem. That's really sad. Can he have her more often maybe?

Nobody is asking you to leave your home etc, but you shouldn't be the default go to, it sounds like you're stepping in to a bit when you shouldn't. I know you mentioned other occasions where you say nothing and try not to overstep, but for a child this young to be pulling towards you, I imagine you are stepping more than you should.
Just leave him to it, the child isn't going to starve as PP said, the naughty step thing is a stumbling block where he will just need to learn himself. Parenting is all about trial and error!

Me too

our nearly 3 year old girl is like this with her dad at times and we all live together, she will scream if he goes in her room in the morning if she’s calling for me, it escalates to slapping and more and he doesn’t seem to know what to do! She definitely prefers me, but we both leave her with the other every day, so it’s not because I’m the main caregiver, it seems quite normal but I don’t rush in when she does this, I normally let them work it out together, or I admonish her for shouting and hitting, and gently explain how upsetting it is for daddy, but he is the opposite of strict, he’s horizontal in his approach to parenting. They get on fab when I’m not there and I trust him completely.

I think your DP is too rigid in his approach to discipline though, she actually sounds scared of him, and if he’s locked her in a room for 10 minutes crying over a perfectly normal thing like not wanting to eat dinner then I’m sorry OP, but he needs parenting lessons, why didn’t she want her dinner? I’d hate my DH if he did that for literally no reason, it sounds like he’s on a power trip.

he needs to perhaps leave all ‘discipline’ to you for the time being and concentrate on being the fun/attentive one, taking her to the park/soft play, being the one to give her any treats/snacks etc. But he doesn’t sound parent material if I’m being honest.

It also sounds like he needs a parenting course. If you weren't there would he even bothering having his DD? It sounds like he wouldn't.

I also was going to suggest a parenting course . This is going to take time and patience . This poor little girl is obviously distressed and confused and needs some stable coping skills . I would see what’s available and start asap . It’s not an admission of failure it’s the start of trying to manage an extremely difficult situation before it gets worse.

The more you post about his parenting technique the more I understand the toddler. He is punishing her excessively for minor things, then shows total disinterest in her. If a man did that to his partner it would be classed as an abusive relationship with a big LTB chorus. What a shit he is.

Im going to look into this, thank you

Cant have her more often as it's court order and mother will not allow any extra time