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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dsd move in help

102 replies

singlemumhelp · 30/12/2023 21:05

Little bit of advice please.
My partner has a 11 year old and 10 year old.
Since March 2022 my step daughters stopped staying overnight due to an incident when he was drunk. November 2023 they have started staying but only the one night a week not two like normal. This is fine, my and my kids are use to this. We live in two seperate houses due to my financial and mental stability of anything going wrong. I rent a 3 bed and his owns a 4 bed. We could never move in as he expects his two kids to have separate rooms and mine to share at his, which isn’t fair as my eldest currently has a big room with a gaming desk, double bed. And my other son is ASD and needs his own room. But everything is always about the girls when they are here. So Christmas Day she fell
Our with her mum as was ungrateful and argumentative about what her mum bought and was nasty to her and her nan. She came
To us as planned Xmas day night. She has only just gone home today, all week has been a nightmare. He allows her to stay up until we go bed so we don’t get our couple hours child free time, he’s worked Thursday and Friday 9-9, he didn’t ask just expected me to have her (but I have to ask him to have my kids). All day yesterday he had me running her around into town with her friends, back from town etc. I am only allowed to cook the 4 meals she eats my kids are sick of them; he won’t allow takeaways as her mother does it a lot. It’s just been constant arguments. We aren’t allowed to have sex because she’s staying and he thinks it’s wrong. Whereas when she ain’t there he’s always at it. she’s gone home today in a strop as something was going on with her mother and younger sister about their friends staying and beds. Her mother has now said she will pack her bags and she can live with him. Well firstly the daughter won’t stay at his unless I am staying, he won’t allow her to sleep on a camp bed if we stay at mine. I am not prepared to sleep at his every night. We make plans the EOW I don’t have my kids, we have weekends away etc which now we wouldn’t be able to as he has no one on his family close enough to have her. How can I explain to him her living with us isn’t a great idea. He doesn’t drive so he would rely on me to take her to school the other side of town every day, my life would be even more dictated and my two kids have enough of a schedule to work around as it is. I have missed having a couple hours on the evening this week with no kids, I have accepted it as it’s nice that on occasions she wants to stay more. I just don’t know how to prepare myself and the kids if she does move in full time. He panders so much so his 40th was last week. She didn’t want her picture taken so she starts hitting him, punching him and he does nothing, we go out for coffee and cake and she refuses to join in, walks off; says to leave her there and go, she’s hitting and screaming he’s trying to kidnap her. All of this is what she’s like with her mum, he took her into hobby craft to buy art stuff as apparently she was upset her mother did make her make a card for him. But I had sorted all the presents and other cards as she said not to. So he just rewards as he’s
Like I can’t pick her up as she could accuse me of all sorts.

My youngest has struggled having her here more this week, my eldest wanted to come back to our house and has missed being able to play his card game with my partner. She literally ip we rules everyone. She can never do wrong. She had left shit on the toilet seat yet he blamed my kids and had an almighty whine.

I’ve tried advising her mum to talk to her tomorrow calming, and a few of the issues the SD has living at hers so hopefully she can address them. How can I say to him we are more than likely over if she moves in. If it was his youngest Daughter it would be so different and would be fine. She is completely different and isn’t favourtosed by him.

Any advice

OP posts:
ShakeNvacStevens · 31/12/2023 13:11

I very much doubt OP’s kids adore their mum’s alcoholic on-off boyfriend, and if they genuinely do…well I shudder to think what the other adults in their lives must be like.

Jeez I really hope this shitshow isn’t real.

Spidercatchersaveslives · 31/12/2023 13:26

What a complicated life. Do either of you work in all this palava?

I don’t blame her for not wanting to stay at her Dads if he was drunk and he crawled into her bed that is a massive RED FLAG🚩She must be traumatised. No wonder he doesn’t want to traumatise her more with the sounds of you two ‘at it all the time’!

This poor girl must be having a really hard time of it.

InAPickle12345 · 31/12/2023 13:30

Spidercatchersaveslives · 31/12/2023 13:26

What a complicated life. Do either of you work in all this palava?

I don’t blame her for not wanting to stay at her Dads if he was drunk and he crawled into her bed that is a massive RED FLAG🚩She must be traumatised. No wonder he doesn’t want to traumatise her more with the sounds of you two ‘at it all the time’!

This poor girl must be having a really hard time of it.

There must be more to the night he got into bed with her drunk. My DS was still asking to sleep with me occasionally until he was 12, I don't get why a daughter would be uncomfortable with her parent, her Dad in her bed. Parents and children the world over sleep in the same bed.

I definitely think there's more of a story to this. What was his behaviour like that night, did he frighten her? Was he inappropriate? Did he vomit or piss the bed or something? There's something more to this.

KirstenBlest · 31/12/2023 13:33

cba to read the whole OP. Bin him.

Prinnny · 31/12/2023 13:39

Bloody hell this reads like a Jeremy Kyle fever dream! What a mess, those poor kids.

romdowa · 31/12/2023 13:52

What an absolute shitshow. How can anyone not understand the level of dysfunction here. It truly baffles me . All these poor poor children

whatsitcalledwhen · 31/12/2023 13:59

@InAPickle12345

I don't get why a daughter would be uncomfortable with her parent, her Dad in her bed.

Presumably because she wasn't expecting it and he was so drunk he was in his underwear and then passed out.

Do you not get why for a child that would be upsetting?

He didn't come in and read her a story and give her a cuddle. Very different to lovely bed sharing.

14Q · 31/12/2023 14:11

This has a GhostSpirit (I think that was the user name) feel about it. Different poster but similar shot show and vulnerable OP.

OP, leave him, don't date, carry on working and enjoy your sons. You do not have to have a man in your life.

InAPickle12345 · 31/12/2023 14:14

whatsitcalledwhen · 31/12/2023 13:59

@InAPickle12345

I don't get why a daughter would be uncomfortable with her parent, her Dad in her bed.

Presumably because she wasn't expecting it and he was so drunk he was in his underwear and then passed out.

Do you not get why for a child that would be upsetting?

He didn't come in and read her a story and give her a cuddle. Very different to lovely bed sharing.

Honestly, I don't understand really. If I got into bed with my son he wouldn't take a blind bit of notice, he certainly wouldn't feel uncomfortable/ scared etc. and my contact with my child absolutely wouldn't be called into question and then stopped.

The OP has been so dismissive of the incident and said the child's discomfort was OTT. But the father in this situation must have been completely and utterly plastered, his behaviour must have been very frightening and he was obviously inappropriately dressed at the very least but I still think there is yet more to this situation.

Catsknowbest · 31/12/2023 14:25

cornonthesnob · 31/12/2023 10:49

How can he be claiming benefits to be your carer if you're not living together?

Poor loss. Both of you are fraudsters and you're not putting your children first.

SS need to be involved. Why are you allowing a man who drunkenly gets into children's beds around your children.

What the fuck.

He can claim carers allowance even if he doesn't live with her..She just needs to be on the qualifying benefit which in this case would have to be PIP.

cornonthesnob · 31/12/2023 14:42

@Catsknowbest I see, thanks for explaining.

But how can he be her carer if she's taking other men on holidays to shag?

Mind blown.

Trieditall · 31/12/2023 14:48

For carers’ allowance, you need to care for someone for 35 hours a week. So you don’t have to live together.

Greenpolkadot · 31/12/2023 14:49

Think about your kids and take them home.
The your dp will find out who shits on the toilet seat.
She sounds a horrible kid ..her dad sounds a tosser and you sound like a doormat,,,,driving her all over,,
FFS think of yiour own kids first and stop making them miserable

LemonLimeDivine · 31/12/2023 14:53

Prioritise your kids and your happiness.

Get rid of him.

Catsknowbest · 31/12/2023 15:05

cornonthesnob · 31/12/2023 14:42

@Catsknowbest I see, thanks for explaining.

But how can he be her carer if she's taking other men on holidays to shag?

Mind blown.

Mine too. The requirement for carers allowance is also that he must provide 35hours a week of her care. Every week. I suspect that's not actually happening.

Bananalanacake · 31/12/2023 15:38

You have no responsibility towards his DC whatsoever, you don't have to see them at all if you don't want to, just date him and make it clear his kids are not to stay at yours.

turkeymuffin · 31/12/2023 15:49

14Q · 31/12/2023 10:08

Also just looked at some of OPs older threads. The partner is becoming the OPs carer as she has MH issues plus waiting a diagnoses for fibromyalgia. The partner is also working reduced hours. Splitting up or moving in together might effect benefits.

There is a lot more to this.

This thread reflects so much of society's problems.

I don't even know what the answer is. How can those poor children be lifted out of this shit show and supported to break free of the cycle?

rwalker · 31/12/2023 15:57

Easily solved his DD at his house

there no need to end the relationship. Just step it back both live independently in your respective homes

I can’t honestly see any benefit of being in this relationship

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:00

turkeymuffin · 31/12/2023 15:49

This thread reflects so much of society's problems.

I don't even know what the answer is. How can those poor children be lifted out of this shit show and supported to break free of the cycle?

Show quote history

it really does, doesn’t it

and ten years ago social services would be involved but now because there’s no screaming evident abuse it falls under the radar.

The sorry saga even include benefit fraud.

rochethenut · 31/12/2023 16:01

KirstenBlest · 31/12/2023 13:33

cba to read the whole OP. Bin him.

i wish i hadn’t tbh.

It is as depressing as hell

Spidercatchersaveslives · 31/12/2023 17:39

whatsitcalledwhen · 31/12/2023 13:59

@InAPickle12345

I don't get why a daughter would be uncomfortable with her parent, her Dad in her bed.

Presumably because she wasn't expecting it and he was so drunk he was in his underwear and then passed out.

Do you not get why for a child that would be upsetting?

He didn't come in and read her a story and give her a cuddle. Very different to lovely bed sharing.

@InAPickle12345 because the DD was uncomfortable enough not to want to stay at her DD’s house on her own YOU don’t have to get it!!!

Spidercatchersaveslives · 31/12/2023 17:41

singlemumhelp · 31/12/2023 11:06

Well this morning was an almighty row, it's now done and over.

I showed him this thread and said it wasn't just me that believes so much is wrong.

You can claim carers allowance even if you don't live together but I will be reporting this back to DWP that he no longer is. I have also reported to his ex wife that he does get paid some cash for doing odd extra hours at work which I found one last night to reduce his CSA in line with what it should be.Basically they wouldn't reduce his payment schedule as went on last years income
Which was huge compare, last few weeks they have asked him to do extra and they have paid him cash so that it keeps him above the threshold
Of the 25% change to get it looked at.

He was drunk and was in just his underwear when he got into bed and passed out, she wasn't comfortable but I do think it was more blown out of propeortion when she told her mother. And for the majority of last year i only allowed him to stay when my kids were at their dads. Until I felt
Comfortable. So I did protect my kids.

The school know the setup that we live between two houses and have never been concerned.

Sometimes I wonder if I am a nice person thanks to this update I can go into the New Year knowing that I am.

Catsknowbest · 31/12/2023 19:10

singlemumhelp · 31/12/2023 11:06

Well this morning was an almighty row, it's now done and over.

I showed him this thread and said it wasn't just me that believes so much is wrong.

You can claim carers allowance even if you don't live together but I will be reporting this back to DWP that he no longer is. I have also reported to his ex wife that he does get paid some cash for doing odd extra hours at work which I found one last night to reduce his CSA in line with what it should be.Basically they wouldn't reduce his payment schedule as went on last years income
Which was huge compare, last few weeks they have asked him to do extra and they have paid him cash so that it keeps him above the threshold
Of the 25% change to get it looked at.

He was drunk and was in just his underwear when he got into bed and passed out, she wasn't comfortable but I do think it was more blown out of propeortion when she told her mother. And for the majority of last year i only allowed him to stay when my kids were at their dads. Until I felt
Comfortable. So I did protect my kids.

The school know the setup that we live between two houses and have never been concerned.

Carers Allowance . Reporting he doesn't live there has nothing to do with it. He's been claiming it on the basis that he's been providing you with 35 hours of care a week. So yes you can tell the DWP that's not true any more. Theyll also ask you when exactly he stopped providing care for you.....he is also meant to report it as well. Also if he's been working I hope he hasn't been earning any more than the weekly limit for those claiming carers allowance.

Original poster
singlemumhelp · 31/12/2023 20:37

Yes I should never have invited anyone to Butlins, he is someone I have known for years but it was a mistake. I was feeling at an all time low but have dealt with that with anti depressants and counselling, I have medication for the fibromyalgia and the sleep apnea I am awaiting an operation. My dad will be helping us out more now instead.

Ad we stay 4 nights at mine and 3 at his he cares for me in the evening, but we both work. I work in a school kitchen and he works as sous chef.

He wanted me to deal with the ex hence why I helped her with maintenance details.
The night he was drunk was simply he got up to the toilet, walked into her room put her arm over to cuddle her and passed out. She was asleep so it woke her up. I get it was inappropriate but she can into me and we left him in the bed and he was mortified and then was careful for ages how much he drink when they were there.

But after today I realise I need to make that clean break, it is done and we are over. My eldest is upset because he does enjoy the gaming they would do but I have looked into local gaming groups.

Lots of drunk parents change and then have their kids and I was kinda hoping this would have been the case, but the mind games are obviously still there. I am pleased we never moved in, he had been nasty today as I have chosen tk leave and I will be getting my dad to collect all our stuff. So it'll be just me and my kids now, I have explained to the ex wife to not contact me about it

OP posts:
Catsknowbest · 31/12/2023 20:50

Catsknowbest · 31/12/2023 19:10

Carers Allowance . Reporting he doesn't live there has nothing to do with it. He's been claiming it on the basis that he's been providing you with 35 hours of care a week. So yes you can tell the DWP that's not true any more. Theyll also ask you when exactly he stopped providing care for you.....he is also meant to report it as well. Also if he's been working I hope he hasn't been earning any more than the weekly limit for those claiming carers allowance.

Show quote history

Just additional note if he's been earning more than £139 a week on CA he will have an overpayment to repay.

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