Dsd move in help

[singlemumhelp]

Little bit of advice please.
My partner has a 11 year old and 10 year old.
Since March 2022 my step daughters stopped staying overnight due to an incident when he was drunk. November 2023 they have started staying but only the one night a week not two like normal. This is fine, my and my kids are use to this. We live in two seperate houses due to my financial and mental stability of anything going wrong. I rent a 3 bed and his owns a 4 bed. We could never move in as he expects his two kids to have separate rooms and mine to share at his, which isn’t fair as my eldest currently has a big room with a gaming desk, double bed. And my other son is ASD and needs his own room. But everything is always about the girls when they are here. So Christmas Day she fell
Our with her mum as was ungrateful and argumentative about what her mum bought and was nasty to her and her nan. She came
To us as planned Xmas day night. She has only just gone home today, all week has been a nightmare. He allows her to stay up until we go bed so we don’t get our couple hours child free time, he’s worked Thursday and Friday 9-9, he didn’t ask just expected me to have her (but I have to ask him to have my kids). All day yesterday he had me running her around into town with her friends, back from town etc. I am only allowed to cook the 4 meals she eats my kids are sick of them; he won’t allow takeaways as her mother does it a lot. It’s just been constant arguments. We aren’t allowed to have sex because she’s staying and he thinks it’s wrong. Whereas when she ain’t there he’s always at it. she’s gone home today in a strop as something was going on with her mother and younger sister about their friends staying and beds. Her mother has now said she will pack her bags and she can live with him. Well firstly the daughter won’t stay at his unless I am staying, he won’t allow her to sleep on a camp bed if we stay at mine. I am not prepared to sleep at his every night. We make plans the EOW I don’t have my kids, we have weekends away etc which now we wouldn’t be able to as he has no one on his family close enough to have her. How can I explain to him her living with us isn’t a great idea. He doesn’t drive so he would rely on me to take her to school the other side of town every day, my life would be even more dictated and my two kids have enough of a schedule to work around as it is. I have missed having a couple hours on the evening this week with no kids, I have accepted it as it’s nice that on occasions she wants to stay more. I just don’t know how to prepare myself and the kids if she does move in full time. He panders so much so his 40th was last week. She didn’t want her picture taken so she starts hitting him, punching him and he does nothing, we go out for coffee and cake and she refuses to join in, walks off; says to leave her there and go, she’s hitting and screaming he’s trying to kidnap her. All of this is what she’s like with her mum, he took her into hobby craft to buy art stuff as apparently she was upset her mother did make her make a card for him. But I had sorted all the presents and other cards as she said not to. So he just rewards as he’s
Like I can’t pick her up as she could accuse me of all sorts.

My youngest has struggled having her here more this week, my eldest wanted to come back to our house and has missed being able to play his card game with my partner. She literally ip we rules everyone. She can never do wrong. She had left shit on the toilet seat yet he blamed my kids and had an almighty whine.

I’ve tried advising her mum to talk to her tomorrow calming, and a few of the issues the SD has living at hers so hopefully she can address them. How can I say to him we are more than likely over if she moves in. If it was his youngest Daughter it would be so different and would be fine. She is completely different and isn’t favourtosed by him.

Any advice

oh yes

the new guy back in october that she invited on holiday with her and her children and shared a bed with him and was disappointed he didn’t want to have sex with her

lovely

Jesus fucking Christ, what am I reading. I feel sorry for all of the children in this situation.

You move your children between 3 different houses minimum? Yours, their dads and your boyfriends? How is this fair?

The boyfriends daughter sounds like a nightmare but hardly surprising given the environment she's growing up in. And now you want to give her dad an ultimatum essentially... if you let DD move in and give her the help, attention etc that she likely needs or deserves, then we're over. You're a fucking prize aren't you?

And WTF is going on with him getting into bed drunk? And WHY was she freaked out by it? I know if I jumped into bed with my own DS, after a few drinks or not, he certainly wouldn't be uncomfortable. Something stinks with that situation and something happened that night to make her feel like this.

benefit fraud

he’s an unemployed alcoholic. He doesn’t live with the Op.

And he’s her carer. sure.

Oh and in october she was with another guy (or least was going to shag him) and you can bet your bottom dollar her ex was still receiving carers allowance during that time

This is a partner problem and you need to step up and put your kids first, your kids are happy and that would be enough for me to say goodbye to this toxic environment as when your kids are older they will blame you for not choosing their happiness first. Honestly it’s too much. Let his daughter move in with him and you choose your kids first!

oh i wish social services had the time and resource to get involved in these shit shows where there’s no obvious abuse but such an appalling way for a child to exist nonetheless

I'd go back to your home with your children and leave him to deal with his children. Especially as he's so biased towards his own.

How can he be claiming benefits to be your carer if you're not living together?

Poor loss. Both of you are fraudsters and you're not putting your children first.

SS need to be involved. Why are you allowing a man who drunkenly gets into children's beds around your children.

What the fuck.

Your partner is the problem. You get nothing from this relationship.

no adult in this scenario is biased to their children

they are all on the look out for themselves and their children are way down list of priorities

Well this morning was an almighty row, it's now done and over.

I showed him this thread and said it wasn't just me that believes so much is wrong.

You can claim carers allowance even if you don't live together but I will be reporting this back to DWP that he no longer is. I have also reported to his ex wife that he does get paid some cash for doing odd extra hours at work which I found one last night to reduce his CSA in line with what it should be.Basically they wouldn't reduce his payment schedule as went on last years income
Which was huge compare, last few weeks they have asked him to do extra and they have paid him cash so that it keeps him above the threshold
Of the 25% change to get it looked at.

He was drunk and was in just his underwear when he got into bed and passed out, she wasn't comfortable but I do think it was more blown out of propeortion when she told her mother. And for the majority of last year i only allowed him to stay when my kids were at their dads. Until I felt
Comfortable. So I did protect my kids.

The school know the setup that we live between two houses and have never been concerned.

And for the majority of last year i only allowed him to stay when my kids were at their dads. Until I felt Comfortable. So I did protect my kids.

You absolutely haven't adequately protected them OP. Your behaviour has been completely inappropriate.

During a brief break in your relationship with the most recent ex, you paid for a man you had been exchanging 'sexy photos' with, who had just been evicted by his ex, to join you and your children on holiday. During the holiday you said you hugged, held hands and he was aroused when you shared a bed.

You invited this man on a family holiday with your children. Looking back, can you see how unbelievably selfish and foolish this was of you?

And who was this guy in October OP that the other PPs are referring to? Were you with someone else in October and now have your children living part time with another man?

And why in the name of god are your 'reporting' stuff to his ex about their maintenance payments.... STAY THE HELL OUT OF IT and focus on your own children.

@singlemumhelp, please stop minimising the incident your dsd experienced. A drunk man in underwear passed out in her bed!

I don't care if he is her father, the fact you are minimising a child's experience says everything.

She isn't blowing it out of proportion it is abusive to be drunk incapacitated around a child and to enter their safe sleeping space? You really have exceptionally low standards for parents. I feel so sorry for the children involved.

I don’t think it’s helpful for you to get involved in his child maintenance payments. You are already scared of him. Just leave him quietly.

How are you protecting your kids when you invited a stranger to share their holiday with them?

He was drunk and was in just his underwear when he got into bed and passed out, she wasn't comfortable but I do think it was more blown out of propeortion when she told her mother.

How on earth was it 'blown out of proportion'?!

Your boundaries are really, really off mate.

An drunk man got into a child's bed, in his underwear and passed out. It 'freaked her out' as you said.

I bet it fucking did. Why are you still defending his behaviour by minimising it?

The fact that didn't disgust you enough to end the relationship makes me think you'll probably go back to him.

I feel so sorry for all the kids involved.

You can claim carers allowance even if you don't live together but I will be reporting this back to DWP that he no longer is.

but how on earth will you cope without him “caring” for you?

the op wanted to shag a new man
invited him to butlins with her and her children
he didn’t want to have sex with her
she was disappointed and….
you guessed it
started a mumsnet thread about it

You're clearly on different pages. Tbh I wouldn't gave your dc his children's bedrooms either when he owes the house and you rent so he's right on that front. But your clearly incompatible. You leave separately yet he's trying to evoke wife work on you. Running around after his child, potentially taking her to school which is unacceptable. You are not a blended family but bf and gf.

Was she in the bed when he claimed in? Is he inappropriate with her.

@rochethenut Christ almighty. Was this new guy in October a complete stranger to the kids? And she wanted to fuck him with the kids in the house /room?

And so this guy she is talking about now, who is her 'carer', who she has her children living with, whose maintainable payment arrangements she's getting involved in... he's a totally new guy as well?

I honestly despair reading shit like this, I'm not perfect parent by any stretch but when I read this irresponsible, immature, self serving bullshit it honestly upsets and angers me that some people treat children like this.

She was with the guy this thread is about for 3 years or so, had a break for a couple of months and within that time was sexting a freshly evicted (so homeless essentially) man who she invited and brought on a holiday with her children.

Then got back together with the guy this thread is about. Who has previously had such a drink issue he is no longer able to have his daughter overnight unless OP is there, having previously gotten into bed with that daughter in his underwear, drunk, passed out and frightened her.

She says she has 'protected' her children which is a joke considering the above.

Just caught up with drama I didn't realise the history behind it all. Your behaviour is disgraceful, you prioritise sex with inappropriate men over the safety and security of your children. Even now when people are calling you out on it you don't acknowledge your poor behaviour and choices

@whatsitcalledwhen my goodness, the updates are just awful.

OP, have you thought that you should really not be dating as you're making horrible mistakes with the lives of your children.

You've had an alcoholic who lost access to his kids around your children, brought a stranger who you tried to fuck on your family holiday, and then less than two months later have the kids back with the same alcoholic and staying part time in his house. Can you see how unhealthy this is and that you're putting your children in potentially very harmful situations.

I'm a single parent who dates, I know it's not easy. But you chose to have your children and unfortunately your wants and needs need to come after what's best for those children. You really need to give yourself a shake.

I don't tend to post on the SP board anymore as I'm now not a SP. But you're not either. You have no need for any of this in your life. At all. What are you hoping to achieve from having this man as your boyfriend? You are forcing your own dc into situations they don't want to be in.

You've obviously posted a lot before, I sympathise, I posted a lot until I left my exh. But what is the point if you're not taking onboard any advice? You have to leave, you have to take control of your life. You are a fully functioning mother with children to look after yet you're running around after some dickheads kids.

You know what you have to do. What is stopping you from doing it?

The school know the setup that we live between two houses and have never been concerned.

You don’t base your life choices based on ‘Schools’ concerns!! Why on earth would you?

They are probably thinking poor kids dragged from pillar to post so mum can get her end away (again)

When you hook up your focus isn’t on the children it’s in other people.

Stay single.