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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Dsd move in help

102 replies

singlemumhelp · 30/12/2023 21:05

Little bit of advice please.
My partner has a 11 year old and 10 year old.
Since March 2022 my step daughters stopped staying overnight due to an incident when he was drunk. November 2023 they have started staying but only the one night a week not two like normal. This is fine, my and my kids are use to this. We live in two seperate houses due to my financial and mental stability of anything going wrong. I rent a 3 bed and his owns a 4 bed. We could never move in as he expects his two kids to have separate rooms and mine to share at his, which isn’t fair as my eldest currently has a big room with a gaming desk, double bed. And my other son is ASD and needs his own room. But everything is always about the girls when they are here. So Christmas Day she fell
Our with her mum as was ungrateful and argumentative about what her mum bought and was nasty to her and her nan. She came
To us as planned Xmas day night. She has only just gone home today, all week has been a nightmare. He allows her to stay up until we go bed so we don’t get our couple hours child free time, he’s worked Thursday and Friday 9-9, he didn’t ask just expected me to have her (but I have to ask him to have my kids). All day yesterday he had me running her around into town with her friends, back from town etc. I am only allowed to cook the 4 meals she eats my kids are sick of them; he won’t allow takeaways as her mother does it a lot. It’s just been constant arguments. We aren’t allowed to have sex because she’s staying and he thinks it’s wrong. Whereas when she ain’t there he’s always at it. she’s gone home today in a strop as something was going on with her mother and younger sister about their friends staying and beds. Her mother has now said she will pack her bags and she can live with him. Well firstly the daughter won’t stay at his unless I am staying, he won’t allow her to sleep on a camp bed if we stay at mine. I am not prepared to sleep at his every night. We make plans the EOW I don’t have my kids, we have weekends away etc which now we wouldn’t be able to as he has no one on his family close enough to have her. How can I explain to him her living with us isn’t a great idea. He doesn’t drive so he would rely on me to take her to school the other side of town every day, my life would be even more dictated and my two kids have enough of a schedule to work around as it is. I have missed having a couple hours on the evening this week with no kids, I have accepted it as it’s nice that on occasions she wants to stay more. I just don’t know how to prepare myself and the kids if she does move in full time. He panders so much so his 40th was last week. She didn’t want her picture taken so she starts hitting him, punching him and he does nothing, we go out for coffee and cake and she refuses to join in, walks off; says to leave her there and go, she’s hitting and screaming he’s trying to kidnap her. All of this is what she’s like with her mum, he took her into hobby craft to buy art stuff as apparently she was upset her mother did make her make a card for him. But I had sorted all the presents and other cards as she said not to. So he just rewards as he’s
Like I can’t pick her up as she could accuse me of all sorts.

My youngest has struggled having her here more this week, my eldest wanted to come back to our house and has missed being able to play his card game with my partner. She literally ip we rules everyone. She can never do wrong. She had left shit on the toilet seat yet he blamed my kids and had an almighty whine.

I’ve tried advising her mum to talk to her tomorrow calming, and a few of the issues the SD has living at hers so hopefully she can address them. How can I say to him we are more than likely over if she moves in. If it was his youngest Daughter it would be so different and would be fine. She is completely different and isn’t favourtosed by him.

Any advice

OP posts:

Scarletttulips · 30/12/2023 22:20

Aibu to say no she can't move in

But you don’t live together.

He can have his daughter at his house, he can arrange her food clothing and getting her to school.

You do you.

When she’s not around he’s free to visit your house.

How are you this confused?

Original poster

singlemumhelp · 30/12/2023 22:21

@Meem321 yes, he was on and off with the drink. Since end of October he has been sober, getting counselling, and genuinely committed to building a better life.

I do take my kids home if they want to or need to. And do everything that my kids need. We have just got a set routine that works for us with the boys when they aren't here; and it's just unfair to ruin that for my kids because she moves in. My kids would be heartbroken right now.

How do some people make it so easy to blend families

OP posts:

Yolo12345 · 30/12/2023 22:23

Just love your life on your own terms and put you and your children first.

Original poster

singlemumhelp · 30/12/2023 22:24

@Scarletttulips because since he's stopped the drinking and everything we have spent every single night together. 4 nights at mine and 3 at his. It would be a massive step backwards.

OP posts:

SgtJuneAckland · 30/12/2023 22:28

Live at your house with your children and see your boyfriend EOW when they are at their dad's. It's not for you to parent his child, he needs to manage school runs, childcare etc.
I feel very sorry for the young girl whose alcoholic dad got into bed with her, she must've been terrified.

He doesn't exactly sound like a catch but you don't seem to be considering leaving.

whatsitcalledwhen · 30/12/2023 22:31

Is this the guy you went to Butlins with? If so this is all incredibly heavy and moving very fast.

Original poster

singlemumhelp · 30/12/2023 22:37

@whatsitcalledwhen no I got back with my partner of 4 years xx

OP posts:

whatsitcalledwhen · 30/12/2023 22:43

Oh OP. You said this about him in October:

I have known his girls for 7 years. They are 10 and 12. Last year social was involved due to a drunken incident and it was all sorted. However this has got worse. To the point the other day he scared me and the puppy as we had a puppy together. And tried ripping my car door of so I don't leave

You're not putting your children first by continuing a relationship with this man.

Which is really, really sad.

Not only that, but in October (so just two months ago) you said you were taking a different man to Butlins on holiday with your kids (paid for by you) after exchanging 'sexy pictures' and finding out that he was fresh out of a relationship where his ex evicted him, and you said that he got turned on in your bed, cuddled you and held your hand the whole time and you wanted to be a couple but weren't sure he did.

Can you see how unbelievably inappropriate it was to bring this man on a holiday with you and your children during a time you were briefly broken up with your current partner? It would have been inappropriate to bring a man they don't know regardless, but it's even more confusing that mummy had a boyfriend they knew, then a boyfriend figure on a trip, then back to the first one... all within a matter of weeks.

Your kids deserve better than the choices you've been making when it comes to men.

I feel really sorry for all the kids involved.

Quartz2208 · 30/12/2023 22:45

No one makes a blended family look easy, it takes compromise, good communication, an even playing field and centring the children on both sides fairly.

thishas none of this. Put your children first not your relationship

Scarletttulips · 30/12/2023 22:46

It’s not a step backwards to put your children first and have them sleep in their own beds every night instead of being dragged left right and centre so you can have a relationship.

You aren’t a blended family. You aren’t even family. He’s a boyfriend with responsibilities passing the buck to you. Stop being a mug.

YearofDNGAF · 31/12/2023 00:58

singlemumhelp · 30/12/2023 21:29

Last year he had a bit of a drink issue, he's now sober completely. He was drunk and climbed into her bed and went to sleep. It freaked her out a little. So she only wants to stay if I am there incase he was ever drunk again xx

I was already going to comment but this update just further confirms what I thought.

It doesn't sound like DSD is moving in with HIM, she's moving in with YOU! You're doing all the cooking, loads of the childcare, she literally won't stay unless you are there.

None of this is okay! He is the parent. You shouldn't be responsible for her in this way. If she doesn't feel safe in her dad's care, she should not be staying.

Also, why is he seemingly telling you what to do all the time? Why is he in charge of what you're allowed to cook, or how you spend your time?

Honestly as you have your own place and your own DC I would just stay permanently at your own home and leave him to it - regardless of whether DSD is moving in or not. To be honest, it sounds like both of her parents are palming her off on you which is not good for you or her and also pretty crap for your own kids

MeridianB · 31/12/2023 09:16

rochethenut · 30/12/2023 21:07

the problem? your partner

On so many levels that i honestly can’t be arsed to list them because if you don’t see them already - what’s the point?

This. His rules, his needs and wants, his children. You and your children do not feature here at all. Please dump this grade one dickhead and start the new year without the unpleasant drama. You and your children deserve so much better.

SheilaFentiman · 31/12/2023 09:23

Stay at your house, he can visit you there when he has free time.

(actual advice - split up. But the above is plan B)

14Q · 31/12/2023 10:01

He doesn't sound very nice. Telling you that your boys have to share is obnoxious and there are lots of other examples of him being obnoxious. You sound either dump him completely or scale it right back to seeing him occasionally.

You aren't putting your kids first. 🫤

Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 31/12/2023 10:01

This confused, traumatised, scared little girl isn't the problem here. Social services don't get involved because a dad mistakenly gets into the wrong bed. They just don't.

You and your partner are the problem.

Fraaahnces · 31/12/2023 10:04

So he’s being the good guy with his kid at the expense of you and your kids. Why are you allowing this? GTF out of there.

Reugny · 31/12/2023 10:05

OP have you noticed everyone is telling you the same thing?

And have told you this more than once?

Why do you think that is?

Instead of posting yet another thread do some reflecting on what you are being told. Remember we are strangers and have no skin in the game but many of us have seen and/or been involved in step-parenting shit.

14Q · 31/12/2023 10:08

Also just looked at some of OPs older threads. The partner is becoming the OPs carer as she has MH issues plus waiting a diagnoses for fibromyalgia. The partner is also working reduced hours. Splitting up or moving in together might effect benefits.

There is a lot more to this.

amylou8 · 31/12/2023 10:09

Stop blending families. Put him on a boyfriend basis. Go round his house when your kids are at their dads. Tell him he's welcome at yours when he's childfree. Stop dragging your kids from pillar to post and give them some stability in their own home. Or just leave him.

cornonthesnob · 31/12/2023 10:12

singlemumhelp · 30/12/2023 21:29

What the fuck are you doing with this man and allowing your kids around him?

What sort of reality check do you need?

JFC I despair.

Godzillaisjusthangry · 31/12/2023 10:21

@singlemumhelp

What the hell is wrong with you, seriously?

You are a mother, your job is to put your kids first every, single, time. You are not doing that, so don't try to argue that you are.

You are dancing around an on-off alcoholic and his shit show. This is not putting your kids first. This is bringing drama and risk into their lives. Stop playing the martyr trying to fix him and his shit show of a life and think about the seriously bad messages you are sending to your own children.

Give your head a wobble and get your priorities straight.

And I would say exactly the same to any man and have done!

Trieditall · 31/12/2023 10:24

So you don’t have any shared kids? You don’t live together? It’s a bit confusing. Who would the stepdaughter be moving in with as she doesn’t want to be with her father after the drunken sleeping incident?

I remember your thread about the Butlins man. You invited him to go on holiday with you and your children and he told you he didn’t want a relationship with you. That’s from memory. You don’t seem to put your children first.

Honestly what a mess. What do you think of posters telling you that it’s a mess and your children are suffering?

Deathbyfluffy · 31/12/2023 10:25

Godzillaisjusthangry · 31/12/2023 10:21

@singlemumhelp

What the hell is wrong with you, seriously?

You are a mother, your job is to put your kids first every, single, time. You are not doing that, so don't try to argue that you are.

Give your head a wobble and get your priorities straight.

And I would say exactly the same to any man and have done!

I hate to say it, but this

14Q · 31/12/2023 10:31

I've now read more of your old threads. You need to start prioritizing your boys and stop dating. Children thrive on feeling loved and feeling secure. I've no doubt you love you boys and are a great Mum on that account but all the boyfriend drama and all the chopping and changing must be so unsettling.

I don't quite understand what happened in butlins when the other guy stayed with you (in your bed?) but it all sound very weird

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 31/12/2023 10:32

Surely when your dc share this shit show with teachers ss will get involved?

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