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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dsd move in help

102 replies

singlemumhelp · 30/12/2023 21:05

Little bit of advice please.
My partner has a 11 year old and 10 year old.
Since March 2022 my step daughters stopped staying overnight due to an incident when he was drunk. November 2023 they have started staying but only the one night a week not two like normal. This is fine, my and my kids are use to this. We live in two seperate houses due to my financial and mental stability of anything going wrong. I rent a 3 bed and his owns a 4 bed. We could never move in as he expects his two kids to have separate rooms and mine to share at his, which isn’t fair as my eldest currently has a big room with a gaming desk, double bed. And my other son is ASD and needs his own room. But everything is always about the girls when they are here. So Christmas Day she fell
Our with her mum as was ungrateful and argumentative about what her mum bought and was nasty to her and her nan. She came
To us as planned Xmas day night. She has only just gone home today, all week has been a nightmare. He allows her to stay up until we go bed so we don’t get our couple hours child free time, he’s worked Thursday and Friday 9-9, he didn’t ask just expected me to have her (but I have to ask him to have my kids). All day yesterday he had me running her around into town with her friends, back from town etc. I am only allowed to cook the 4 meals she eats my kids are sick of them; he won’t allow takeaways as her mother does it a lot. It’s just been constant arguments. We aren’t allowed to have sex because she’s staying and he thinks it’s wrong. Whereas when she ain’t there he’s always at it. she’s gone home today in a strop as something was going on with her mother and younger sister about their friends staying and beds. Her mother has now said she will pack her bags and she can live with him. Well firstly the daughter won’t stay at his unless I am staying, he won’t allow her to sleep on a camp bed if we stay at mine. I am not prepared to sleep at his every night. We make plans the EOW I don’t have my kids, we have weekends away etc which now we wouldn’t be able to as he has no one on his family close enough to have her. How can I explain to him her living with us isn’t a great idea. He doesn’t drive so he would rely on me to take her to school the other side of town every day, my life would be even more dictated and my two kids have enough of a schedule to work around as it is. I have missed having a couple hours on the evening this week with no kids, I have accepted it as it’s nice that on occasions she wants to stay more. I just don’t know how to prepare myself and the kids if she does move in full time. He panders so much so his 40th was last week. She didn’t want her picture taken so she starts hitting him, punching him and he does nothing, we go out for coffee and cake and she refuses to join in, walks off; says to leave her there and go, she’s hitting and screaming he’s trying to kidnap her. All of this is what she’s like with her mum, he took her into hobby craft to buy art stuff as apparently she was upset her mother did make her make a card for him. But I had sorted all the presents and other cards as she said not to. So he just rewards as he’s
Like I can’t pick her up as she could accuse me of all sorts.

My youngest has struggled having her here more this week, my eldest wanted to come back to our house and has missed being able to play his card game with my partner. She literally ip we rules everyone. She can never do wrong. She had left shit on the toilet seat yet he blamed my kids and had an almighty whine.

I’ve tried advising her mum to talk to her tomorrow calming, and a few of the issues the SD has living at hers so hopefully she can address them. How can I say to him we are more than likely over if she moves in. If it was his youngest Daughter it would be so different and would be fine. She is completely different and isn’t favourtosed by him.

Any advice

OP posts:
rochethenut · 30/12/2023 21:07

the problem? your partner

On so many levels that i honestly can’t be arsed to list them because if you don’t see them already - what’s the point?

rochethenut · 30/12/2023 21:08

i pity all the children in this circus

Rugbee · 30/12/2023 21:08

Wow your DP sounds like such a catch

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 30/12/2023 21:12

Jesus wTF is your partner on?

rochethenut · 30/12/2023 21:12

i have just read all your other threads Op

it makes for very depressing reading.

You rarely should not be responsible for
children and nor should your partner

cy2012 · 30/12/2023 21:14

Put your foot down, if DSD comes to stay long term, you and your children go back to your home. If DSD's mum is sick of her daughter's behaviour such that would like to get rid of her, you certainly do not need to put up with her.

Neodymium · 30/12/2023 21:22

Go home to your house with your kids and leave him to it. She won’t stay there without you? That’s weird. You aren’t going to live there so just leave now and take your kids home.

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 30/12/2023 21:23

Go home to your house with your kids and leave him to it. She won’t stay there without you? That’s weird. You aren’t going to live there so just leave now and take your kids home.

^^This

mamacorn1 · 30/12/2023 21:28

Your poor kids deserve better. Go home to your house and leave him.

Original poster
singlemumhelp · 30/12/2023 21:29

Last year he had a bit of a drink issue, he's now sober completely. He was drunk and climbed into her bed and went to sleep. It freaked her out a little. So she only wants to stay if I am there incase he was ever drunk again xx

OP posts:
Original poster
singlemumhelp · 30/12/2023 21:31

@rochethenut

My kids adore him, they love him coming round and things. We had a bad time this year, we ended our relationship for a few months until he got xounswlllinf and sobered up, I have been through counselling too for myself. We all make mistakes but we can fix them too

OP posts:
Deathbyathousandcats · 30/12/2023 21:34

I mean this seriously, what on earth do you want any of us to say?

Original poster
singlemumhelp · 30/12/2023 21:38

@Deathbyathousandcats

I don't even know, kinda needed a rant, if there is anyone else who understands. Aibu to say no she can't move in.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2023 21:41

Oh god. I’ve posted on so many of your threads. I don’t think there’s any helping you tbh. You’ve had so so much support and advice and you seem committed to ruining your life. No one’s looking out for your kids.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 30/12/2023 21:41

Separate your relationship more op. He needs to parent his own dc. You aren't his nanny are you?

MintJulia · 30/12/2023 21:41

It seems pretty straightforward. Your dcs are struggling, so every time your partner's dd is due, you and your children go home, and he spends sober quality time with his dd. ie he steps up as a dad and invests time in his child, putting her first on those days.

She chooses how much time she wants to spend there under those circumstances. leaving the rest of the time available for him to spend time at your house.

Marblessolveeverything · 30/12/2023 21:42

I am so sorry that you cannot see how damaging this is to your children. How on earth can you support a man who is such a bully and abusive person.

That poor little girl.

rochethenut · 30/12/2023 21:42

singlemumhelp · 30/12/2023 21:31

@rochethenut

My kids adore him, they love him coming round and things. We had a bad time this year, we ended our relationship for a few months until he got xounswlllinf and sobered up, I have been through counselling too for myself. We all make mistakes but we can fix them too

it isn’t just him op

i have read your threads and honestly… it’s like reading a manual of how not to raise children

TheCatterall · 30/12/2023 21:42

He’s the problem @singlemumhelp. His parenting is the problem. How he treats his versus your children is a red flag.

You seem to be there to help run his life and step up as a defecto parent with lifts, child minding and all the perks when it suits him.

I mean really this is what you want a lifetime off? Being a second rate citizen to someone like this?

Stop with the lifts. Stop being so subservient to his whims and expectations.

build a life for yourself so you aren’t so emotionally enmeshed with this absolute car crash of a relationship.

It’s little wonder his daughter is the way she is.

rochethenut · 30/12/2023 21:43

and he’s getting carers allowance for being your carer

FFS to think that children are living in this kind of perpetual shit show is depressing

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 30/12/2023 21:48

So when your kids wanted to go home, did you? Or did you leave your kids in this mess?

honestly, you need to take yourself home, stop putting your kids last to your relationship and make him parent.

Neodymium · 30/12/2023 21:51

I wouldn’t say no she can’t move it. That’s not up to you. But I would make it clear that you will only be staying over on weekends when your kids aren’t there, and that you are not available to drive her to school so he will need to work that out.

Meem321 · 30/12/2023 21:54

Last year he had a drink issue? But in your other threads you mention it up to November this year.
It's all a big mess, isn't it? Sounds like you might be better off separate.

ReflectiveRogue1001 · 30/12/2023 22:09

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2023 21:41

Oh god. I’ve posted on so many of your threads. I don’t think there’s any helping you tbh. You’ve had so so much support and advice and you seem committed to ruining your life. No one’s looking out for your kids.

Thank you for this comment.

I'll click away then.

Poor kids 😢

Player001 · 30/12/2023 22:13

According to one of your other threads you've only been in a relationship together for 2 months.

Waaaaay too much drama between the two of you.

You both need to be single for a while and concentrate on your children.