To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

@namechangnancy I think this thread is different due to the nature of the OP and it's title.

"Hey you step-mums, ban your kids from their father's home, I did and my life is now brilliant!"

This kind of gloating will not garner sympathy from those who have been a step kid, are struggling with their ex's new partner themselves or even care about the welfare of a teen from a broken home.

It's written without context. So, what is the context? What was the behaviour that got police summoned and the half-sibling banned from her father's home?

Which is why I advocate walking away from toxic families if you're a step parent. You can start again whereas they rarely can.

Leave. It's the only way.

@Chocolatebuttonns
Can't see the bit where SD abused OPs child.

Just the ex was abusive and there were no boundaries.

But the thing is, I don’t want to walk away, I adore my step kids, they are funny and clever and view the world so uniquely, they really bring me so much joy, but I struggle with the fact that when things are hard with their mum, or when they got removed and had to live with us, it all fell on my shoulders and I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion or express that I was finding it hard and difficult and stressful without people jumping on me saying “but you knew he had kids”. Yes, of course I did, but I didn’t expect my husbands life to not change one iota when they came to live with us, but for all the extra work to fall on me! They have two parents and yet I was the one carrying the load!

I hope you have this same energy when parents complain about how hard parenting is, and remind them that they chose to have children, and they could have chosen not to!

Then you have the wrong thread.

Although I believe the last one op was worried dsd mother had spotted it and started posting absolute vile that made no sense and I'm getting a weird sense of dejavu 🙄

I'm fairly certain everyone has met abusive, lying, bullying assholes in real life.

They didn't all have crap parents.

Some had crap parents. Some had good,, actually trying to do their best parents. Some had a mix ... one crap, one 'good' but without the ability to change things for the better, especially if they're being undermined by the other parent.

Some people are just like that. Some 'teens' are just like that, no matter how hard their parents might try.

We've all seen it, and probably been baffled by it, too, when you know their parents are pulling their hair out over it and trying to address it.

Here, though, for anyone who knows the history, DSD had a crap role model: her mother. And they both behaved really, really, really badly. To OP. And to OP's young daughter.

OP had every right to put her foot down and ban her from the house. it's her home. It's her younger child's home. And her Dh, DSD's father, has the option of leaving himself or facilitating contact elsewhere and continuing to try to change DSD's behaviour. He has chosen the latter, and there is nothing wrong with this in the entirety of circumstances.

OP has done enough trying for her part, and I don't blame her in the slightest for being done and protecting herself and her younger child in their own home.

@namechangnancy
I'm going on the information on THIS thread.

If the OP had said her child was abused she might have got different answers.

You seem to have that inside knowledge so what did the SD repeatedly do to OPs child and what did both parents do whilst this was happening?

@namechangnancy
And for telling me I'm commenting on the wrong thread and not an old thread since been deleted lol.

Maybe you've had a few too many or are just a bit.........

@Chocolatebuttonns

I have.

@namechangnancy said the info was on a different thread that I have not seen.

I'll read again.

You don't have a stepchildren problem, you have a lazy twat DH problem. If they were you'd kids and he was doing fuck all with them it would be no better.

@winewine and @2pence

You both have missed the point op made and it's pretty clear. This isn't about dealing with this mess or examining who's to blame and how to try and fix this.

Ops post was to sp specifically who struggle under pressures of the society expectation that they aren't allowed to be considered on a human level and neither are their children because they are a step parent and had a child within a blended family and should accept all levels abuse to themselves and their children because of damage that was created by the parents and often not addressed.

She just confirmed that it's ok to say, I have boundaries because people will believe what they want to believe that you an evil step mother regardless how hard you tried. Ironically posters have proved the point for her when they gloss over the point that several of us that this boundary came into effect after repeated incidents of abuse to a young child.

She wasn't setting up court for people to examine what's gone down with people whose only intention is to kick her no matter what.

Basically if you can't grasp that op did this to protect a young child from abuse, no matter the fallout - this thread is not for you because your lacking the empathy and the cognitive ability to realise no one does this as a easy option or simply because they hate their step kids and RL isn't a fairytale.

And most people who go into a relationship with a man would ever expect that a 17 willing repeatly a small child. People may expect it to be hard but wouldn't automatically assume the ex is gonna have a screw loose. And maybe they should.

I certainly didn't think there were so many abuse deniers on MN but here we are 🫥

@namechangnancy
You seem to know a lot more than what has been posted here.

My take on it is woman who got with a man who had a daughter and has finally managed to ruin that father daughter relationship.
Her husband is upset that his eldest child will not speak to him and in the OPs own words she does not give a shit what her husband thinks.

She seems quite gleeful and pleased she's finally won against a 17 year old child. Her husband's child.

That's how it comes across I'm afraid.

@winewine and that it's entirety your prerogative.

But I and several other posters have read something very different but maybe that's because regardless of title I don't think anyone is deserving of abuse (let alone repeated abuse), and some saw the previous post and agree with op actions (either no connection to a blended family)

As previously stated - people will read and selectively ignore certain elements that fit their own narrative and frankly any poster inability to read properly is dull to engage with. So I will leave our chat there

I'm an adult step btw and I still don't think coming from a "broken" home would ever give me permission to abuse a younger child.

Well said @namechangnancy

@namechangnancy
The only bits I'm 'ignoring' are in a completely different thread I have not read.

There is nothing here about repeated abuse by a 17 year old to a younger child

I can only have an opinion on what's been written here.

I don't get why you don't understand that.

Without context, without knowledge of the abuse, then the OP reads like"I got rid of my shitty step-kid and her lunatic mother. Put your foot down step mums, you can do it too. Now I have time to do hobbies and days out at weekends that doesn't involve having to include shitty step kid. Hurray for me, I won and I've never been happier!"

Context is everything.

As you won't post what step kid did to deserve her banishment I am starting to think it's simply avoidance. So what was it?

@2pence I agree context is important. But me and several others have posted referencing the same historic post where op had outline everything and the v v detailed updates. So unless are all having a psychic connection - it doesn't seem to be a coincidence we are all saying exactly the same thing and what was described in that post was abuse of a small child via dsd and her mother.

But since of course if that isn't a clue - op posted this in her various updates in this post.

"I’d have nipped it in the bud the first time, not allowed her to become an actual danger to those around her"

"needed to be kept away from my DD for my DD’s own safety"

Being an active danger at 17 to a small child = abuse unless some type of severe mental impediment because at this age you should be able to be around small children without being a danger as most of society can do this.

But sure we are all having a collective hysteria remembering ops historic post and have posted on this thread separately to trying to pull the wool of your eyes and you caught us 🙄 or op posted in 30days given she wanted advice but didn't want dsd mum finding it.

As I said people read and selectively ignore what doesn't fit their narrative.

The message is quite literally you don't have to subject yourself or your child to abuse from a family member. If that doesn't ring true for you that's fine, but for me personally safeguarding a young child against an abuser makes me wicked well 🤷‍♀️

Re the finer details the actions of dsd to the child, I'm gonna leave that with op to share or not share tbh as it could be outing for her and her family and she deserves some peace. I'm sure someone else may feel differently but I will leave that there

This post isn't to pacify the masses that what happened was bad enough to justify the actions that happened, but to show that even step kids should be held accountable for their actions and just because you married a guy with children, that doesn't mean you can't protect your own from abuse. Even if it's a family member.

This sounds so horrible. I am very sorry for a 17 year old caught between these three adults. Barred from her father’s home for a year? Of course she will absolutely inevitably not want to see her father any more. Of course the daughter feels abandoned by her father and feels like he’s chosen someone else and cut her off.

How would OP feel if it was her child being barred from her father’s home by another future stepmum? Awful, because it’s an awful thing to do to a child, right?

I know an adult with parent and step parent in exactly this scenario. Several decades later the adult child is still devastated by their decision and they have massively low self worth and feel huge rejection. That has made their relationships and choices very fraught. The relationship with their parent and their stepparent has never recovered. That extends to grandkids, all of it.

Surely if the OP was so protective of the information she wouldn't be on here gloating and encouraging other step mums to follow in her footsteps?

So many excuses for the dreadful behaviour of a 17 year old near adult and so little for a younger abused sibling.

The step mum haters are really showing their true colours.

It’s only the discussion and character assassination that’s followed that’s been outing. OP has said very little.