To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

An option, then. Just not one you approve of. Shes not ignored the needs of her own child, or indeed her own. Tbh the stepdaughter probably does need to feel the consequences of her actions. She hasn’t been denied a relationship with her father at all, she’s been denied the opportunity to abuse her stepmother and half sister in their home.

You’re free to disagree, but OP doesn’t have to accept responsibility for this girl if she doesn’t want to.

I can well imagine that this is the case as even parenting my own DC has been so much harder than I imagined. I do.have a lot of sympathy for step mums. Hardest job in the world.

Not a step parent but stumbled over this thread from active. How long was OP suppose to suck up the abuse for? Until DSD was 18? 21? Until she went to Uni, got a job? Move out of her mother's home? Surely OP deserves a bit of sanity as well? She needs to still parent her DD and if this was making her genuinely unwell, she deserves to take all steps to ensure her own mental wellbeing.

You’re free to disagree, but OP doesn’t have to accept responsibility for this girl if she doesn’t want to.

Yes you're right.

There's no 'have to'. But it's shocking (to me) she doesn't want to.

And you're right - it's my opinion. Kind of how a forum works. I'm not saying it's law!

I find it shocking, yes, that anyone would post in gloating terms about a deeply sad situation she has contributed to (not saying she is responsible for).

Again, nobody knows what it will be like. You can't even imagine it.

It's very obvious you have no clue.

Oh go away!

I know I cant imagine it. That's why I didn't choose it.

I have no clue about it. I don't want to that's why I'm not one.

I still do not agree this was a correct way for OP to behave, much less be happy about.

The 3 adults have failed both children here.

Something doesn't add up here op. You strike me as someone who doesn't take ANY shit, you've not budged on your position despite so many responses disagreeing with it. You're obviously very headstrong and have stuck to your guns on this issue and feel much happier for it.

But you must have been very different for the last decade then. You make it sound like you've been walked all over, you've been doing all the running around, providing childcare for both girls, dealing with all the drama from DSD and her mother. Cooking, cleaning etc. Doing everything, without complaint? Or with complaint but not heard perhaps?

Really?? You say you have but you now sound like you absolutely would not stand for ever doing all that unless it benefitted you and your own dd. Have you really had THAT much of an entire personality change? I can understand that huge amounts of shit thrown at you can change a person so I guess this may well have caused your personality to change from one extreme to another.

Why would she want to? This isn’t her daughter, this is a 17 year old that’s spent years abusing her and her child in their own home. A biological mother posting about being abused by her 17 year old would be told to have them removed by many posters, and OP has done just that.

And again, while there are undoubtedly going to be reasons for the SD behaving as she does, she’s still responsible for her actions. A tragic backstory doesn’t mean she’s entitled to abuse others, or that others have to accept the abuse.

@Chocolatebuttonns

This is not as simple as love them and it'll be successful it is so much more complex than that.

I'm sorry you had a tough time. I would not want this at all. It must be really hard.

But I never said this! (About love) And I don't believe it - that's why, in general, step-parenting doesn't work. It is often the worst of both worlds - as you describe, responsibility, but not parental responsibility, in the end (I said all this in an earlier post).

That's the point - if you enter into a step-parenting situation, you have to put your needs below those of the children concerned. Understandably this is very hard, if not impossible, when they are not your own DC (even if someone wants to).

And you are right, as you say, I have no experience of this. Thankfully. And I will never have - and I choose that.

See the idea that you can just 'quit' step parenting is one I find hard to process. It's not a job you can resign from like that.

Just cos you refuse to engage doesn't mean you are no longer a step parent. You are step parent as long as you remain married to the other child's parent.

And there are ramifications because you are married still.

You can disagree but don't pretend you have a clue what you're on about

You are rude, and wrong.

I don't have a clue about being a SP. I have a clue about parenting alone & the vulnerabilities of DC. I have a clue about putting children's needs ahead of adults.

I can contribute to the conversation without knowing what it means to be a SP.

You can quit having a relationship with anyone you like. She’s a stepparent because she’s married to a parent, that’s literally all it means. Having that title doesn’t need to mean anything beyond that.

Her husband had a choice to agree with her or not, it’s not like she was forcing him to do what she wanted, and she was quite prepared for him to leave. He decided to stay, that’s on him.

But the fact is people do it and they need to do what works for them. whether you a stranger on the internet approve of it or not

Yes we are all strangers here & we don't know the details, and full back story.

If you get into this situation (I mean 'you' generally, not you specifically) you need to consider the needs of all children. OP has not.

You only have experience with your own children, which is very different to step parenting. It's easy to say what you would do, when youve never had to do it.

Again you are misunderstanding me.

I meant, I've experience of lone parenting / marriage breakdown (which is what leads to second relationships & step parenting, obviously).

On that basis, I knew I'd never be a step-parent.

I do know that where the needs of children are concerned, I'd put them first. I'm not sure I'd be able to do that in a step-parenting role, so I'd never do that. To the extent of no relationships at all.

I wish you a pleasant day & hope things get easier for you in your own situation.

Or she has, given that she’s put up with her for years. She’s now deemed that her needs and those of her daughter, also a child, are greater than the needs of her stepdaughter to be allowed to abuse them both in their own house.

That said, she doesn’t and didn’t ‘need’ to do anything. It’s up to the parent to decide what they want for their children.

I like how everyone is critiquing OP’s choices. I’m confident the post wasn’t her seeking approval and you’re all wasting your cyber breath.

That's true!

She’s just living her best life 🙌🏻

Not allowing a 17 year old into her dad's home is plain wrong to me. She's still a child and it's not her fault if her parents couldn't be amicable. She is the victim here

So name changed for this.

I've been a Step parent to two children since they were 6 and 4. Both now in early thirties. It's been hell. Some moments of calm due to minimum contact but just awful. There mum domestically abused the dad my DH), had affairs and eventually left him. I met him a year later. This has now been rewritten that we had an affair and broke the happy home up.

There is a whole list of transgressions that I could bore you all with, but here is the point.

I made a mistake. After the first year of it I should've moved on. I didn't and stuck at it and we had our own child who has become a lightening rod for all sorts of frustrations.

So I've now decided to leave after 25 years marriage as it's never going to change and I can't bear to continue.

I wonder if all will be rosy after I'm gone?

So to anyone reading this please listen to this. What you are getting now is what it is going to be like. I would leave now. It isn't worth it.

'Blended' families don't work. We pretend they do but they don't. Save yourself.

And her father should have taken control of the situation from the start re behaviour of the daughter. He is to blame here too