To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

Thanks for sharing. Every Christmas/new year I stop, reflect and think “I’m not going to be in this position next year” but it’s like I’m waiting for an epiphany that never arrives. My issue is I have two young children and my DH is a wonderful dad. Outside of DSS visits we have a perfect family life. So I fear I’m being selfish in splitting up the kids home. I won’t derail with the detail but my blended family situ is hell on earth - would make Eastenders look like a documentary.

If our society could learn to be more compassionate towards women- even notice their unconscious misogyny and ridiculously high expectations of women and take them down a notch or two, step families would thrive

so it’s just women who need understanding in step family scenario? What about the children? Children who have no say whatsoever in who they live with and who is thrust into their lives? And what about the step parents/mothers (because it does seem to be mothers) who not only are happy to stand by those who refuse to support their children financially but who actively seek to curtail contact? As for misogyny, there’s none of that involved when calling a struggling ex-wife no maintenance received and 3 small children to manage ‘benefit scum’ when her male counterpart is hailed a hero in exactly the same circumstances?

I'm so sorry. This sounds impossibly hard 💔

I really wish you happiness ahead.

It isn’t and they aren’t.

It’s a tough role, it’s best not to take it on if it’s not for you, it’s important to stand up for yourself, have boundaries and not do the actual parenting. It may well just get too tough to continue.

But none of this excuses your celebration of a busted family. It’s sad and broken and will impact on your own daughter. The situation before may well have been toxic, and your DP and his ex hold more responsibility than you. But this outcome is also toxic.

I am a steparent by the way and was a stepchild

I'm not really sure what most people expect the op to do here. If she is concerned for the safety and wellbeing of her dd is she supposed to still expose her to abuse on a regular basis because she, the sm, 'knew what she was getting into'?

Equally as so many point out, being from a 'broken home' is difficult so is she supposed to inflict that on her daughter too just to be seen to be fair? Presumably with dsd being so volatile they would want to keep visits to separate weekends so the children would have a similarly limited relationship and both op and her dh would be in a more difficult financial situation.

Ultimately there is a younger child here that needs protecting and the older of the two is old enough to know that treating people badly has repercussions. I'm willing to bet at no point has she knocked on op's door and apologised for her behaviour.

10 years is a long time to put up with abuse. Sometimes we delude ourselves into thinking things will get better until a breaking point is reached which it looks like has happened with op. I have certainly done it in the past 'maybe if I am more loving/ do more for them/ take this they will realise I don't deserve this' but it just doesn't work. Being a doormat never works it just teaches people to treat you even more badly.

I remember your previous post very well @IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt and the furore it caused, I also remember some of the things your SD had done and why you felt you had no choice but to refuse anymore contact with her. A lot of people seem to think you should have left your DH for your SD's sake but logically I understand why you didn't- he'd have had to have contact with your DC at your house because you couldn't risk her going to his when his DD seemed to hate yours with a passion. I suppose all the posters who think it's wrong for your SD to be excluded from her DF's house will think it's OK for his second DC to be excluded,

@IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt

Well done for finding peace OP. Those ignorant posters flinging insults at you don't know the full story about your DHs abusive and frankly unhinged ex and the behaviour she encouraged in her DD. Your DP is also responsible for that and should also be accountable. But it's your decision how to take your relationship forward.

You are absolutely right to protect your DD. Your DSD cannot be allowed to put your DD at risk, she's almost an adult who can choose her behaviour and has no right to be abusive and scary around a very young child. As a mother you've done the right thing. Shame DDs mother and father didn't.

This thread shows very clearly the internalised misogyny prevalent in a lot of women.

So far you've been accused of being the OW so get what you deserve, told your DP will leave you or resent you as your just punishment, and also told you have no right to protect your home from abusive bully's because its not your home. Pay this noise no mind. You've done the right thing.

Personally, I'd go a step further and move house as soon as you can for a fresh start. You're physically too close to the other house and it won't be good for your DD as she gets older.

I'm a step child and a step mum, as well as a mother. A 17 year old step child has no right to abuse a mother and young child in their own home. There's no excuse and blaming a broken home doesn't cut it.

Enjoy your peace.

If anyone's wondering why men put this shit this shit on to women ?

It's because women also put equal, if not more responsibility on to other women.

Also if I read "what about the children" because those people seem to forget to say no only the children from the "first" marriage are due consideration.

Ops young child should either be allowed to be repeatedly abused by a 17 year old because the first marriage failed and or op and her dh should split up, so it's fair to both children. Which is quite clearly what ops dsd and the ex wanted.

That first thread was fucking haunting, what took place was vile, really vile and if my dd at age 17 did that to her much much younger brother I would also kick her out tbh. And as her mother I would have a lot more power to get her help than ops got. And op and her dh fucking tried hard for 10 years.

It really turns my stomach that people keep saying poor 17 year old girl, she's incredibly lucky that they didn't press charges and tbh people are really quick to forget the bulgur boys and what they did, and they were younger.

People call for empathy- you cannot selectively say op is heartless for not having empathy for her dsd and forget there is another child in existence also deserving of consideration without sounding like a absolute twat and as much as people can say that "younger child" shouldn't have existed. They do and every child should have one home at which they are safe.

Are you the poster where they broke into your house and were abusive to your in-laws and a whole host of other things? I’m glad you have found your peace.

Such a shame that the first man to break your step daughter's heart was her father.

Enjoy your peace. Know that it came at a cost. Perhaps not to you right now but karma has a way of repaying such behaviour and history repeats.

What an intelligent argument @Changynamey2this .

Time will tell.

Thank you, I'll take that as a compliment

So it's ok to abandon your kid if you don't like her mum?

Ah, we really do need a sarcasm emoji here.

Hopefully this thread still exists when your daughter is 17, perhaps you can return and ruminate on how good YOUR life was when you posted it.

Incredibly interesting that posters who know the ops story and the history have unanimously told the op well done.

If you abuse or hurt a young child repeatedly as a 17 year old arguably being ban from your sm house I would what I would see as lite karma.

What a shame for ops child to have a member of their family and probably someone they grew up looking up to, violate their trust and hurt them repeatedly just because they could.

Put it this way I have read some threads on here on MN over the years.

Ops previous one is hands down one of the horrific ones I have read on here . Even people who hands down disagreed with blended families had sympathy for what went down on that post.

Really awful.

What a great idea.

Well, there clearly is a back story isn't there? What is it?

Someone abusing a child should be reported to the relevant authorities. I believe 11 is the age of responsibility, or has this law changed recently?

I think when your DD is 17 OP, she will thank you for what you've done and be proud of her mum protecting her from abusers.

If you get a chance to show her your threads I think she will be. I know I would be.

Well done for standing strong.

He has hardly abandonned his daughter. His ex-wife was probably encouraging his daughter to be as nasty as the ex-wife was to the OP gambling that her exH would insist that the OP just put up with their unreasonable behaviour.

Fortunately for the OP, her husband could see exactly what his ex-W was doing ( the ex-W was probably like that when they were married, so it did not take much imagination) and so he decided to agree that the OP should not have to put up with it.

The OP's husband wants to see his daughter but she won't see him so he is hardly abandonning her.

Unfortunately for the exW her little plan backfired. Serves her right. If she had acted decently then none of this would have happened.

This.

And DSD is a young woman too, and needs compassion for the vulnerability of her age and the trauma she has been subjected to all her young life and is still living through.

Trauma experienced during childhood does not justify inflicting abuse on others. Especially to even more vulnerable children who are infants, which the 17 year old has done.

The OP as a mother has a duty to protect her child from abuse, first and foremost.

All things aside, I think the legal age of responsibility is 10 not 11