To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

Yep!

This man has been a crap partner to the OP not stood up for her or supported her and he’s been a crap dad too.

OP is celebrating that she’s got the man but she really has nothing worth celebrating.

The "abusers" are usually children who've been messed around with the changing parental relationships, just to keep that in mind.

💯this.

I really think parents, when a marriage ends, need to put the DC first.

Properly first.

My ex was abusive. He has limited to no contact with the DC now (his disinterest but also their choice following his treatment of them).

They were very little when he left.

I had no family support, financially it was tough. I've managed to keep my professional career going & bring them up, and all my time goes into their lives - practical stuff, their sports & hobbies.

I've had no relationship, haven't dated etc, since my marriage ended. It wasn't possible due to time and my commitments to them, but also they needed stability from me. I couldn't have given any time to even dating.

They are teens / nearly teens now and yes, now that I've had a lot of therapy, I'd like to see a relationship in the future. It won't affect my DC though as they are old enough not to be impacted in any way.

Am I saying this in a 'I'm great' way? Not in the slightest. I was a mess after my marriage (highly abusive, and one I was in since I was 20). I couldn't have dated / had a relationship anyway. I also, practically, had few choices.

But I did know my DC had to come first in terms of priorities. It doesn't mean I've done wonderfully welll - I'm ok, I think, they are ok, but they could benefit from another involved adult as it can all be a bit intense with just us.

When you have children, their needs come first. OP will rightly say that's what she's done with her DD, and that sounds fair. But what about the other child?

He had and still has the option to move out. Don't put that on op.

Indeed.

I've said all three adults are a disgrace.

She did put him in a very difficult position. An ultimatum about his DD, not a discussion about their relationship & how they might separate & he sees both.

Sadly this too.

Actually I don't think it does that.

I think this thread expressed that a 17 year old girl can get really screwed up by a divorce and parents/step parents at logger heads.

From her perspective her dad has a replacement family which she is sometimes part of. And she has a step mother who prioritises her daughter and gets her father to put her and her daughter first.

Then when she can't cope with that, she gets even more crap and Dad sticks to new wife and daughter rather than offering reassurance and support that she probably needs in terms of her confidence and self worth.

The step mother is protecting her daughter and herself which is understandable but is then asking husband to vilify first daughter rather than parent them properly and gets husband to pick between families which he does.

And in the middle of this is the feckless dad who takes the line of least resistance and easy option of not properly parenting and blaming the ex wife, rather than having stepped up years ago. It's easy for him to just reject the older daughter as 'defective' or 'turned against him by a woman' rather than examine his own role in the dynamic.

At some point he may well come to regret that though. And then again rather than take responsibility himself, he will blame all the women involved instead. Because it couldn't possibly be down to him.

Where is she celebrating that she has the man? She’s celebrating no longer having to tolerate someone abusive towards her and her daughter.

It seems she was quite prepared for him to disagree and move out. He’s the one that chose not to, OP didn’t lock him in and prevent him from leaving.

The vast majority of abusers have troubled backgrounds, and many have been the victims of abuse themselves. That may provide a reason for the behavior, but a reason isn’t the same thing as an excuse. It also doesn’t mean that anyone else has to tolerate being ill treated.

That's nothing to do with op though is it?

🤷🏻‍♀️

Why isn't it?

My point is: put the children first. Existing ones from a previous relationship. Potential children you plan on having. New children of the relationship.

If you can't - don't be a step-parent. Don't whine that society is judgmental of you. I'm judgmental of people - men & women - who put their own (valid) needs ahead of their children's.

The needs are valid - if they matter more, don't be a step-parent.

I used my experience to say difficult decisions are necessary. I was 37 when my marriage ended. A decade later it can feel scarily lonely having had no relationship but IMO it was the right choice for my children

HTH.

So what? Why should op talk about splitting if that's not what she wants? Why is it her job to again try and do what's right for everyone else but not her?

Chrissake.

Because there are children involved and she's an adult.

Is that so hard to understand?

And because, I assume, she loves her husband, father of the child she's excluded. (There's no mention it was a mutually agreed decision with her H either).

I think this thread expressed that a 17 year old girl can get really screwed up by a divorce and parents/step parents at logger heads.

Yes. It really does. That little girl was 7 when this all started.

Or do what OP has done, because clearly that is an option.

He’s the one responsible for his daughter, not OP.

Or do what OP has done, because clearly that is an option.

It's an option. A poor one, ignoring the needs of a child.

He’s the one responsible for his daughter, not OP.

This is often said here. I disagree, at least in part. She's not the parent. She has some responsibility towards this girl, in her actions. That's part of getting involved with a man who already has children. (I know that's not a popular view)

Yes, she's putting her child first and that is where her responsibility ends. Why do you think we should make men's decisions for them? Are they incapable? Do they not have brains?

I disagree. What a horrible view. She is entitled to make a decision about her DD's wellbeing, of course, ideally in conjunction with her DH. If they can't agree, separate and allow DH to have separate relationships with both DD.

Don't impose a 'ban' and gloat about it. It's a really sad situation which OP doesn't seem to care about.

As for the rest of your post - no idea what you mean.

Not if you become a step-parent and join I a family dynamic.

That's the whole problem with step-parenting. Occasionally it works. Mostly it doesn't because, as you say, primary responsibility lies with the two parents, but step parents end up in a family dynamic where they do assume certain responsibilities that are inescapable.

I think SPs should at least care about the feelings & well-being of their SC.

What are you saying, women should take the responsibility and not date men with kids for the men's wellbeing? They can't make that decision themselves? Nah.

You seem to misread every post of mine.

No. I'm not saying that 🙄

I'm saying if you cannot accept the realities of step-parenting, do not get into such a relationship. Men & women. Not just women.

@Chocolatebuttonns

We won't agree here.

I'm not saying ultimate responsibility is with her (why not read my posts properly?)

I'm saying ignoring the impact on her SD and her DH is wrong. Not a victory.

(And yes, it seems like her DH is utterly useless as a father, failing both his DC spectacularly. Why on earth OP wants to be with him is a mystery).

Well done, OP!