adult step children - how do you cope

[susanu67]

When my husband an i met, I had 2 young daughters and my husband had 4 children all of whom were adults when we met.

I never seem to be able to get anything right. At the beginning of the relationship, i worked my socks off trying to encourage and build relationships with his children, only to be accused of being controlling and dominating.

So, I stepped back, and left them too their own devices, of course this lead to my husband not making any effort with them, and them in turn making no effort with him, and i ended up being accused of stopping him from seeing his kids?

We have been together for 10 years, and in this time, his children have never spent christmas with their dad because they have had 'other plans' even though they have been invited year after year, but they have prefered to spend time with their respective partners families instead.

My girls as a consequence have suffered, and to be honest, they dont want a relationship with these people.

This year, my girls lost their dad and this is their first christmas without him. Im working christmas due to my job, and we are having our christmas a midweek day.

Low and behold, his children have decided that they want to now spend some time with their dad, and the only day they have available is the day we have set aside for our christmas day with my girls. and once again, now i am the evil step mother for putting my foot down and saying no!

There are two reasons for my not wanting them there.. my girls want to be able to be themselves, show their emotions and remember their dad (not only was he their dad, my ex, but we were also very good friends and i cared for him in his last months)... but.. one of the step sons partners is pregnant, shes due to give birth 2 weeks after this date, shes the only person who drives, and to get to us they will have to travel for a good hour and half! I'm nervous and would never forgive myself if anything happened and i dont want them here!

What do i do?

I think the key thing here is you say ‘we’ a lot - with all due respect have you encouraged your husband to see his kids alone? Did you realise that they are probably keen to see him and him only?

I don’t know how you have been so involved? They’re adults, he is their father and I don’t see why you didn’t just back off.

I mean you see this man every day of the year. Why not encourage him to be with them? It really would be fair for him to see them - I can’t believe after all the previous issues that you would want him to turn them down?

Op uses the term we - as she is part of a unit.

I'm really sick of women being subtly or otherwise blamed for actions and consequences of shitty choices made by men.

Ops not saying she's gonna stop dad from seeing the kids. She's saying she's not willing to drive dad to contact so to his adult children can see him on the only day she's got to spend with children who are grieving the loss of their father.

If the father can't make his way there on his own accord - then that's kinda on him isn't it ?

Although I'm sure someone will be along to say ops obviously to blame 🙄 again

They may live together and have plenty of time together but it’s the only first Christmas without their dad they’ll ever have, really difficult at any age, and she has to work looking after everyone else’s loved ones (emergency services may even be there for you/yours one day) over actual Christmas, finding one day to make a Christmas over that period, which will be spent struggling with a whole load of emotions. I have no idea how people aren’t able to be empathetic towards this situation but think she should bend to these people who haven’t given two hoots over the years about her or their father. If it matters to him and them they could all meet elsewhere. To find this unreasonable is completely unreasonable.

. i shall have to grit my teeth and once again put up with it
obviously you do not have to do this, but full martyr points to you. Dh says ‘we can’t do that day at ours, if that’s the only day you can do I can travel by bus/train/cab to these locations, is there anywhere we can meet? I’d really love to see you. Or, you could come here on any of these days - list of dates, and that would be wonderful.’

you have your Christmas with your daughters in your home without anyone else coming along.

" He already has one failed marriage behind him because of his childrens behaviour."

This is really very unkind - to blame the breakdown of his previous marriage on their kids.

My parents divorced and both remarried when my sibling and I were adults. I adore both my step parents. If I had ever got the sense that one of them blamed us for the breakdown of our parents' adult relationship (and trust me, if these things are felt, they're obvious), there would be no way I'd be making any time for them.

That said, your husband is responsible for his relationship with his kids. I just know my relationship with my Dad is only enhanced by the relationship my step-mum has cultivated with me.

I did get the impression his children were adults and yours children. I think everyone should make effort but largely it lies with him. They are his children. I think your anger js misplaced.

What I don’t get is I know many adults with step parents and the step parent doesn’t interfere. Everything goes through the kids and parent

I find it confusing how you have been inviting them for years - why you? It’s their father they want to see - not his whole other family

I am not blaming you but I do think you should step right back

@susanu67 you say.. "my step children were brought up by their dad (mum left when they were very young). He already has one failed marriage behind him because of his childrens behaviour. I suspect they have seen their dad playing happy families with me and mine and there is jealousy there."

So your husband brought up his children by himself and yet they now have a distant relationship, seemingly since he met you. You don't like the way he parented them and presumably have vocalised this loud and clear. Maybe they just preferred their dad as the person he was before he met you and miss the relationship they had with him.

The way you talk about them I'm not surprised they don't want to come. A mother of two daughters will never understand what it's like to parent boys, particularly singlehandedly. You sound incredibly judgemental.

OP, kindly
I think you've worked yourself up enormously and for no good reason.
It's simple: Either spend this one day with the step children or take your daughter (the one who lives with you) and go over to celebrate at other daughter's house, leaving your DH to deal with his kids.
Considering you and your children don't like them, I also don't get why you are so upset that they haven't accepted previous invites. If anything, you should count your lucky stars you've dodged spending many Xmases with them and only have to see them for a day in this entire year 🤣🤣🤣

Why should she changed her plans at the last minute though, because the stepkids have decided to grace them with their presence this year?

OP, stick to your guns. I wouldn't want someone in my house for Xmas who didn't like me either. It's time to be selfish.

Are you overthinking this because of the emotion you are attaching to the day planned with your children? You want that day to be about your ex/children’s dad and your children, and that’s fine.
It would also be fine to say no because you had other even less important plans. They offered one date, it doesn’t suit, that doesn’t equate to you stopping them seeing their dad. They can just choose another date. If it’s your husband giving you are hard time and saying you need to accommodate them instead of your original plans, then he’s out of order and tell him a simple not happening. Beyond this let them sort their own relationship and plans, you aren’t responsible for any of them.

Honestly there is no need for thr drama on this.
Her husband either tells his kids to pick any other day or makes his own way there.
The people blaming the op for her husbands lack of relationship with his adult kids are just bonkers . That's all on him!

I wouldn’t bother trying to get compassionate advice on here regarding step children OP.
This place is rife with bitter mothers who have messed up relationships with their baby daddies and their poor wee children (regardless of age) do absolutely nothing wrong in their eyes. It’s like kids who come from divorced parents are irrevocably damaged & are unable to determine right behaviour from wrong behaviour - which is a load of rubbish.
My advice - all you can do is control what you do. I’m so sorry to hear your girls lost their dad. Being kids, they deserve all the love this year and the adults can do what they want, when they want outside your home.
Stop thinking about them and do what is right for you and your girls. If his adult kids want answers later on, then that for them to discuss with their dad.
Free yourself from worrying about the adults - life will get easier. Big hugs.

Sounds like you have successfully pushed this man's children out of his life and are now having a tantrum at the possibility of him spending a day with them over Christmas.

He sounds like a pathetic father who has gone along with this for years.

Oh do shut up.