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Step-parenting

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Original poster

adult step children - how do you cope

65 replies

susanu67 · 19/12/2023 17:23

When my husband an i met, I had 2 young daughters and my husband had 4 children all of whom were adults when we met.

I never seem to be able to get anything right. At the beginning of the relationship, i worked my socks off trying to encourage and build relationships with his children, only to be accused of being controlling and dominating.

So, I stepped back, and left them too their own devices, of course this lead to my husband not making any effort with them, and them in turn making no effort with him, and i ended up being accused of stopping him from seeing his kids?

We have been together for 10 years, and in this time, his children have never spent christmas with their dad because they have had 'other plans' even though they have been invited year after year, but they have prefered to spend time with their respective partners families instead.

My girls as a consequence have suffered, and to be honest, they dont want a relationship with these people.

This year, my girls lost their dad and this is their first christmas without him. Im working christmas due to my job, and we are having our christmas a midweek day.

Low and behold, his children have decided that they want to now spend some time with their dad, and the only day they have available is the day we have set aside for our christmas day with my girls. and once again, now i am the evil step mother for putting my foot down and saying no!

There are two reasons for my not wanting them there.. my girls want to be able to be themselves, show their emotions and remember their dad (not only was he their dad, my ex, but we were also very good friends and i cared for him in his last months)... but.. one of the step sons partners is pregnant, shes due to give birth 2 weeks after this date, shes the only person who drives, and to get to us they will have to travel for a good hour and half! I'm nervous and would never forgive myself if anything happened and i dont want them here!

What do i do?

OP posts:
Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 19:15

excelledyourself · 19/12/2023 19:07

gosh no...

So is it your own daughter who is pregnant?

yes but not sure what relevance this has here?

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 19/12/2023 19:25

Well considering how how you say your daughters have already suffered because of the step kids, surely it's relevant if one of them is now pregnant, bereaved, and then being made to spend Christmas with someone who has caused them such suffering?

InefficientProcess · 19/12/2023 19:33

susanu67 · 19/12/2023 17:38

ive never stopped him from seeing his kids, but he does not drive, so for him to see them he needs me to take him. the more replies i get, the more i see, this isn't my issue but his. I thought it was my job to try make it all work.

Show quote history

It has never been your job to make it work. It has always been your husband’s responsibility to ensure he maintains good relationships with his adult children.

He could, presumably, use public transport to see them. If he had wanted to make sure he saw them, he’d have made it happen.

Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 19:39

excelledyourself · 19/12/2023 19:25

Well considering how how you say your daughters have already suffered because of the step kids, surely it's relevant if one of them is now pregnant, bereaved, and then being made to spend Christmas with someone who has caused them such suffering?

my apologies... i should never have put that comment because as you've clearly pointed out, people want to know what the suffering is... suffice it to say, because of past events shall we say, my children prefer not to spend time with his children...

OP posts:
Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 19/12/2023 20:48

Is your dd young op? I deliberately got pregnant at 17 as an excuse to leave home.. Just saying..

Foxblue · 19/12/2023 21:06

Apologies OP. I missed that. But how do you feel about him not making the effort with his kids as you've said?

Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 21:12

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 19/12/2023 20:48

Is your dd young op? I deliberately got pregnant at 17 as an excuse to leave home.. Just saying..

I'm not very good with these terms as i am new is DD dear daughter? if so, she is married and lives with her husband now but very close to me. my other daughter still lives at home though. My step children are all adults nearing their 30's now and we have never lived together as a blended family. But there is an age difference between my children and his and i think this is the issue. Without going into to much detail, my children and his have different social backgrounds and parental upbringing. I was a very strict mum and loath dishonesty and insist on good manners (i know i sound awful), my step children were brought up by their dad (mum left when they were very young). He already has one failed marriage behind him because of his childrens behaviour. I suspect they have seen their dad playing happy families with me and mine and there is jealousy there. As i've said previously, i've tried many times to make things work, but in the end i've had to step back and leave them too it. It's all very complicated and i wish now i'd not posted at all.. i shall have to grit my teeth and once again put up with it

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 19/12/2023 21:13

You ought to encourage this man to see his kids. You’ve had him to yourself practically for all these years.

No wonder they don’t like you and don’t respect him either.

It is interesting how you think he should be there to support your girls during this hard period but cannot extend that same thought to his own kids at Xmas time

BalletBob · 19/12/2023 21:18

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 19/12/2023 17:59

Maybe they wonder why they can’t have one day seeing their Dad?

Well I imagine that the DH has told them they already have plans for that day so aren’t available.
Which is the case.

Its a shame and poor timing but really should the adult step children expect him to drop any plan he already has just because they’ve decided to come?
Is it expected that he should put his own adult children first, above his own wife, at a time when both her and her dcs need support?

Yes they should expect him to drop his plans.

He's been a shit dad and hasn't really bothered with them. They've quite rightly responded in kind. They are now very graciously putting that aside to make Christmas plans with him. Note that the effort isn't coming from his direction. I would absolutely expect him to thank his lucky stars and move mountains to make that happen.

BalletBob · 19/12/2023 21:23

I suspect they have seen their dad playing happy families with me and mine and there is jealousy there

Can you honestly not understand how deeply hurtful this is? Not just hurtful in fact, but genuinely psychologically damaging? To have a parent (and let's be fair, it's almost always a father) who can barely be bothered with you and yet seems to have all the time and resources in the world to pretend he's someone else's kids' dad?

The lack of empathy in your posts is unreal.

Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 21:33

BalletBob · 19/12/2023 21:23

I suspect they have seen their dad playing happy families with me and mine and there is jealousy there

Can you honestly not understand how deeply hurtful this is? Not just hurtful in fact, but genuinely psychologically damaging? To have a parent (and let's be fair, it's almost always a father) who can barely be bothered with you and yet seems to have all the time and resources in the world to pretend he's someone else's kids' dad?

The lack of empathy in your posts is unreal.

what would you have me do? for 10 years i have tried and tried to make this man and these children behave like normal civilised human beings towards each other? do you seriously think i have just sat there for all this time doing nothing? i cannot force him to have a relationship with them, and i cannot force them to have one with him? my own children have had to put up with and make do for 10 years because of this ridiculous situation, and the one year.. one year i want to concentrate on my own children... i lack empathy?

OP posts:
Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 21:36

Quitelikeit · 19/12/2023 21:13

You ought to encourage this man to see his kids. You’ve had him to yourself practically for all these years.

No wonder they don’t like you and don’t respect him either.

It is interesting how you think he should be there to support your girls during this hard period but cannot extend that same thought to his own kids at Xmas time

i say the same to you as i did to the other person. do you think i have sat for 10 years and done nothing? i have tried and tried and tried to make these people have what i would class as a normal relationship.. i most certainly have not stopped him seeing his children...

OP posts:
PrimalOwl10 · 19/12/2023 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 21:41

BalletBob · 19/12/2023 21:18

Yes they should expect him to drop his plans.

He's been a shit dad and hasn't really bothered with them. They've quite rightly responded in kind. They are now very graciously putting that aside to make Christmas plans with him. Note that the effort isn't coming from his direction. I would absolutely expect him to thank his lucky stars and move mountains to make that happen.

Show quote history

he has been a shit dad you are right... is that my fault? is that the fault of my children? these are adult children who were living away from home when i met and married him?

every christmas for the past 9 years we have invited, asked, encouraged them to have a family christmas, but its been declined because they have better things to do. last year we asked them all to keep christmas free so we could see them, and again, they made their plans without an invitation to us. their father is free 23,24,25 and 26th december... invites have been given, but guess what? the one day i want to spend with my children and now i'm to bad one??

OP posts:
Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 21:47

Foxblue · 19/12/2023 21:06

Apologies OP. I missed that. But how do you feel about him not making the effort with his kids as you've said?

It kills me! i try and try and try... its got to the breaking point over the years... but i cannot force a relationship between them. i cannot make them! whenever they want to see us, we have to drop everything to fit in with their plans, whenever we want to see them, it depends on what they are doing. its got to the point where i have given up! i no longer know what to do... and my children have suffered for it... and thats not fair on them either is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Their dad makes no effort... i spend 10 years trying to build a relationship for him with them.. and you understand why they dont like me? how does that work?

why is it my fault?

OP posts:
Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 21:58

BalletBob · 19/12/2023 21:23

I suspect they have seen their dad playing happy families with me and mine and there is jealousy there

Can you honestly not understand how deeply hurtful this is? Not just hurtful in fact, but genuinely psychologically damaging? To have a parent (and let's be fair, it's almost always a father) who can barely be bothered with you and yet seems to have all the time and resources in the world to pretend he's someone else's kids' dad?

The lack of empathy in your posts is unreal.

My children had a perfectly good dad... until he died earlier this year thank you very much... you seem to be forgetting that we are talking about ADULTS here, men and women in their 30's... we are not talking about 12 and 13 year old teenagers... these are adults who have their own homes, some have jobs, some not.

but you are right... i shall divorce him immediately! thanks for the advice

OP posts:
EllBellWell · 19/12/2023 22:04

susanu67 · 19/12/2023 17:42

of course they are not banned... but am i not allowed one day just for me and my children?

Show quote history

You live with them, I'm sure you have plenty of time on your own with them. I think you're BU

Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 22:09

EllBellWell · 19/12/2023 22:04

You live with them, I'm sure you have plenty of time on your own with them. I think you're BU

Show quote history

I live with 1 of my own children... not both! dont assume. they watched their dad die a slow and painful death last christmas and they want to spend the time with me... if thats being unreasonable.. then fair enough so be it... to everyone who has commented saying i am wrong for not wanting to share this time with others... fair enough.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 19/12/2023 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

🙄🙄🙄

Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 22:16

Ive decided i am not going to comment anymore, you have all made me realise that i am not responsible for my husbands actions. Over the past 10 years i have tried to make him have a relationship with his ADULT children, and vice-versa when really its not my job.

My own children watched their father die and slow and painful death last christmas, and are still grieving (to lose a parent so young is not nice), but because of work i cannot spend time with them until the 27th.

My children will always come first. My husbands ADULT children can do what they like, they are welcome at any time of the year, always have been, aways will be BUT not on the 27th... this time MY children will come first!

OP posts:
Ketzele · 19/12/2023 22:22

Some nasty people on this thread.

HeckyPeck · 19/12/2023 22:27

susanu67 · 19/12/2023 22:16

Ive decided i am not going to comment anymore, you have all made me realise that i am not responsible for my husbands actions. Over the past 10 years i have tried to make him have a relationship with his ADULT children, and vice-versa when really its not my job.

My own children watched their father die and slow and painful death last christmas, and are still grieving (to lose a parent so young is not nice), but because of work i cannot spend time with them until the 27th.

My children will always come first. My husbands ADULT children can do what they like, they are welcome at any time of the year, always have been, aways will be BUT not on the 27th... this time MY children will come first!

You're absolutely right to put your children first after the awful time they've had.

If your step children aren't complete arseholes, they'll understand. If not, I always go by the policy of not caring what arseholes think.

I hope it all goes ok for you and your children OP 💐

Pancakefam · 19/12/2023 22:30

Good for you OP.

NeonSoda · 19/12/2023 22:32

I think you need to take a step back and try and see things a bit more widely.

  1. You keep referring to his children as adults, but you also revealed that your children are adults too. Adult enough to be married and living with someone else! All the children here are adults, they can all do what they want.
  2. You are with a man who you think doesn’t want to make any effort towards his own children, because you say you have been attempting to build a relationship for him. Why are you dating such an asshole who doesn’t care about his own kids?
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