Adult DSS coming for Christmas worries.

[whichwaytohome]

I'll start by saying I do like DSS and generally get on with him. I've been married to DH for 14 years and there were inevitable teething issues.

I moved in with DH when we married. DSS moved in with his mum, shortly before DD1 was born.

A lot of my issues are probably more DH based, as DSS still thinks of this as his home, which is what a lot of the problems seem to stem from.

He lives over 150 miles away and doesn't drive. Often he 'jokes' about DH driving him back (which is NOT going to happen), but it's not really a joke as he nags DH about it. I feel like next time he says it, I will reply with a quip about him learning to drive himself. To be fair DH never has. The only time it came near, was just after DD2 was born. DSS finished work late on Christmas Eve and his mum was going away. He wanted DH to collect him, as there was no public transport that time of night. Luckily DH said no (and DSS went with his mum). I couldn't have had that year anyway, he'd have expected a good time and there was no way I was in a place to facilitate that! We didn't even have a tree up that year!

My niggles are petty, but DH refuses to speak to him about them. One is he always stands over me, in our tiny kitchen. I hate being questioned about what I'm cooking, how much he can have, just being there really.

Same at night. He likes to watch TV after we've gone to bed, I'm happy with that. The only problem is he follows us out to the kitchen, as if he's making sure we're going to bed. He watches me take my meds etc. If I forget something and come down to the kitchen he rushes out. It makes me feel uncomfortable, like I'm being watched (which I am). I've asked DH to tell him not to (unless he wants something from there, which is fine), but DH said he can't tell not to come out when I'm there.

He never remembers simple things like toothbrushes. DH always asks me to get him one, which for a few days, seems like a waste. When my DS and me stayed at my parents, I'd always remember wash things, towels, toothbrushes, etc.

I provide dinner and dessert in the evening, but he also expects a large bar of chocolate. I'm loathe to buy it, as it's something you can buy for yourself. We've got some in as DD1 will eat a few pieces of a bar at a time, but I don't want to buy a large bar for him every night. He's more than capable of buying them, it's not something I feel I should provide.

I'm happy for DH and DD1 that he is coming again. I do like him, (despite the above), and we have lovely conversations, I just want to know how I can feel more comfortable... being able to come down at night without him rushing to the kitchen to see what I'm doing, etc.

Is there any best way to approach this. DH won't say anything, but I feel like the guest and it's his home, instead of it being vice versa.

As I said DH enables this, so I feel bad, as it's not really DSS's fault.

• [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request to add the word 'Adult' as OP's DSS is in his 30s]

Why shouldn't he feel at home in the house his father lives in?
Your poor husband.

It was his home, presumably for some years and did he want to go and live with his mother? It must be quite difficult for him.

Some of his behaviour does seem unusual how old is he now?

If you feel he's crowding you, why not just open your mouth and tell him to back off and give you some space?

If he was a guest, you would make an effort to get things in he liked. So maybe reframe the chocolate as being a good host.

Standing over you and rushing out is just weird and I really don't see a problem with saying there isn't space for both of us in this kitchen / sorry did you want something / there's no need to hover over me I'm not a small child - you can say it with a smile.

Does your DH want to drive him home? I don’t understand why you make the rules about what he does with his son.

I’d be annoyed at someone standing over me when I’m cooking but a bit baffled at the upset over the chocolate. Can’t you just buy a few bars when he visits (you say your DS likes this treat as well) and leave it at that? It’s not exactly going to break the bank and you say you get on with him so not what sire what the issue is.

Compared to a lot of step families you have it very lucky if things like a bar of chocolate are major bugbears, it seems like you are looking for things to criticise.

Also a lot of parents are happy to offer drives to their adult DC for uni things like that long distance it's not abnormal to ask and spend time with his Dad

I agree about staring whilst you take meds but where you aren't getting it is

To you he's a guest that's more of a chore
To your DH that's his family member in the family home.

Why in gods name can't the poor lad just keep a toothbrush at his Dad's house permanently? And why shouldn't he think of it as home?

It doesn't sound like you get on with him at all, based on your post.

@Eastie77Returns because his son is old enough and has plenty of money to learn to drive. He's a bit like me in being stingy (we lost our car recently and he moaned like mad at having to pay £4 for a bus). I certainly never expected, nor would my parents drive me that far. It would be a 350 round trip for DH, he's asked if he could go and stay with DSS and DSS said no, so I wouldn't let him do a round trip without stopping. No need. We've repeatedly asked DSS to move back down here, but he doesn't want to.

He's in his 30s, so is my son.

My son NEVER gets to stay here, he does live nearby so that is the reason DH gives.

I don't want be buying a large bar for every night, no issue in buying some smaller ones, a few larger ones, and I always do buy him some, but he binges them, then goes mooching through to find more. I have never been a guest anywhere where sweets are provided en masse. I've always bought my own. Of course I will make sure there is something, but I'm talking about family size bars/sharing packets. If you want to eat an entire bag/bar a night, buy your own.

My DD1 does like treats that's true. She is however 13, so is not in her 30s with own income and little outgoings.

For those saying it is his home - it is not! I moved in with DH, I didn't make him move out, we were going to get a bigger house, but he decided to go to his mum's (who always wanted him, but he felt he had to stay with DH when she left him).

I had my own house. Our son's are both the same age. My DS never lived here and DH would hit the roof if he went mooching through cupboards.

Both our son's live independently now. They are both good kids. They were adults (just), when we met.

I sounded particularly awful about the Christmas when DSS couldn't come. It was a bad time. DD2 had just been born and died. I was in a very dark place. DH didn't want to go and get him anyway, we bought DD1 (only a baby herself), presents, but didn't celebrate

Yeah, this.

Why is a bar of chocolate such a hardship? Is it the cost?

I would personally have an issue with the standing over and watching but would calmly point it out and ask why he was doing it and that it isn't appreciated.

Aside from that I think you're being a bit picky/mean tbh.

Have a word with him one on one and you'll feel better about it.

@QueSyrahSyrah because my son can't and he can't think of it as home either! DSS has a brilliant job, has thousands in savings and is in his mid-30s. He visits for a few days, usually twice a year. This year a few more times. It isn't as simple as saying "it's his home", when I have a son too, for whom the same cannot be said.

It doesn't sound like he is asking much or doing anything wrong. If his dad lives there then it is home for him too.

I was about to say you were BU thinking we were talking about a late teen, but he's in his thirties! Buy him some driving lessons for Christmas

OP the issues aren't what you're saying. Your issue is that your dh treats your son differently to his and it's unfair. Instead of blaming your dh for this it's being put (subconsciously, not blaming you) on to dss. You're finding petty gripes because your ds isn't an equal adult child in your dhs eyes. I'd be pissy to and there's no way any man could tell me my ds couldn't stay over - especially when his own ds does. That is what needs addressing.

@WaitingfortheTardis and my son??? Why should I accept it, when DH wouldn't even let my son stay over when he and his son went away?

He's an adult, with his own place - in his mid 30s ffs! I never had a home at my parents then, I had a secondary school child by then.

Being an adult in his 30s changes it but why can't you communicate with each other

Quick Text

Don't Forget Your Toothbrush

Quick Text

Bring Your Own Chocolate Stash pl We Aren't Cadbury's You Know

Hey DSS just going into the kitchen give me 5 mins

All this can be solved by speaking to him like he is another adult not as a child as you should be at this stage in his life, I think communication or lack of it is key here

@Titicacacandle I think you've hit the nail on the head! I do write this and feel stupid, as when he comes I do (honestly) bend over backwards for him. We have lovely chats and I like him....but I feel guilt, guilt that my DS isn't here. Though my DS is autistic and hates to stay more than 5 minutes anyway. It's the disparity that is the main driving force...and guilt.

I'm 40 OP and I've never lived in the house my Mum and Stepdad live in, but I occasionally stay over so I have a toothbrush there. I've got one at my cousins house too, now I think about it.

I'm right in thinking that your DSS did live there, before you married and he went to his Mum? So it was his home once. Will it likewise simply stop being your DD's home at some point?

If he's crowding you, why can't you say something. It's perfectly fine to tell someone you need space. Tell him to back up or get out of the kitchen while you're cooking. Stop being a martyr.

@ValleyClouds DH did remind him several times to remember stuff for their trip....then he told DH he forgot his towel, so DH took mine. He forgot a change of clothes, was sick from drinking too much and wore the same sick stained clothes for the whole trip.

@QueSyrahSyrah you've got a good point, but I think the problem is that my DS doesn't, it's the complications of his vs mine. I feel guilty.

Of course, I've ranted on here, but will buy him a toothbrush if he needs (already bought one in fact), I think the poster above got it right, I feel DSS belongs and my son doesn't.

You've been his stepmother for 14 years, you don't need your husband to speak for you.
Add some bars of chocolate to your food shopping, it's really that simple.
If you don't want an audience in the kitchen then use your voice. Just say "can you move out of the kitchen please while I finish cooking this" or "can you give me a bit of space please".
Similarly, when you come down at night you can just say "no need to follow me, I'm just getting a drink" or whatever.
Don't let small issues build up into big irritations - speak up.
As for driving him home, that's really your husband's choice. If one of your own children was 100 miles away on Christmas Eve would you want to collect them and bring them home? My dad passed away this year but throughout my adult life he drove me places or drove to me if I needed help. It's just a "dad thing" to want to help.

I will tell him to back up. Good point. I'm incredibly unassertive in real life (and my psychiatrist told me I'm neurotic and anxious - I've got bipolar for full disclosure).

But it was his home until you moved in, and he felt he had to move out.......and you sound like you are happy to out up any roadblock you can to him coming back down. I assume your son didn't move in with you when you moved into their house? If not, it was never your son's home- unlike your step son.

Sounds like there are far bigger issues with him as a person than just what's in the OP.

Does he manage to work and have a home or has he got some problems overall?

If he saves up bad behaviour inc around your DD for his stays with you then this is a very different situation/thread