Adult DSS coming for Christmas worries.

[whichwaytohome]

I'll start by saying I do like DSS and generally get on with him. I've been married to DH for 14 years and there were inevitable teething issues.

I moved in with DH when we married. DSS moved in with his mum, shortly before DD1 was born.

A lot of my issues are probably more DH based, as DSS still thinks of this as his home, which is what a lot of the problems seem to stem from.

He lives over 150 miles away and doesn't drive. Often he 'jokes' about DH driving him back (which is NOT going to happen), but it's not really a joke as he nags DH about it. I feel like next time he says it, I will reply with a quip about him learning to drive himself. To be fair DH never has. The only time it came near, was just after DD2 was born. DSS finished work late on Christmas Eve and his mum was going away. He wanted DH to collect him, as there was no public transport that time of night. Luckily DH said no (and DSS went with his mum). I couldn't have had that year anyway, he'd have expected a good time and there was no way I was in a place to facilitate that! We didn't even have a tree up that year!

My niggles are petty, but DH refuses to speak to him about them. One is he always stands over me, in our tiny kitchen. I hate being questioned about what I'm cooking, how much he can have, just being there really.

Same at night. He likes to watch TV after we've gone to bed, I'm happy with that. The only problem is he follows us out to the kitchen, as if he's making sure we're going to bed. He watches me take my meds etc. If I forget something and come down to the kitchen he rushes out. It makes me feel uncomfortable, like I'm being watched (which I am). I've asked DH to tell him not to (unless he wants something from there, which is fine), but DH said he can't tell not to come out when I'm there.

He never remembers simple things like toothbrushes. DH always asks me to get him one, which for a few days, seems like a waste. When my DS and me stayed at my parents, I'd always remember wash things, towels, toothbrushes, etc.

I provide dinner and dessert in the evening, but he also expects a large bar of chocolate. I'm loathe to buy it, as it's something you can buy for yourself. We've got some in as DD1 will eat a few pieces of a bar at a time, but I don't want to buy a large bar for him every night. He's more than capable of buying them, it's not something I feel I should provide.

I'm happy for DH and DD1 that he is coming again. I do like him, (despite the above), and we have lovely conversations, I just want to know how I can feel more comfortable... being able to come down at night without him rushing to the kitchen to see what I'm doing, etc.

Is there any best way to approach this. DH won't say anything, but I feel like the guest and it's his home, instead of it being vice versa.

As I said DH enables this, so I feel bad, as it's not really DSS's fault.

• [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request to add the word 'Adult' as OP's DSS is in his 30s]

@Myfabby wow, you've taken that and run with it!!! I've never denied him snacks and have done so for the last 14 years, it's true that I will not be buying him a share sized chocolate bag for every day, I will buy some for before Christmas and of course some for extra presents (which everyone gets), if he eats them all too fast, he won't get anymore...that's not unreasonable. I will also get the alcohol drink that he likes (and no else does). I was referring to the following me around.

@stomachameleon thank you. It's the following me around that bothers me the most. I'm not sure why Fabby has decided that I deny him, make him starve, label things and ration snacks, when that is most definitely the opposite. He's welcome to help himself to snacks, and I'm always offering. It was the amount and type of chocolate that he wants that slightly bothered me, but I will get some for before and over Christmas, anything more he is more than capable of getting for himself.

err where did i mention starving? Your OP says

but he also expects a large bar of chocolate. I'm loathe to buy it, as it's something you can buy for yourself. We've got some in as DD1 will eat a few pieces of a bar at a time, but I don't want to buy a large bar for him every night. He's more than capable of buying them, it's not something I feel I should provide.

And I thought and still think 3 large bars of choc over xmas for someone you see 3x a year is negligible! as is the £1 toothbrush. This whole transaction is less than £10.

Quite telling that you're laser focused on what I've said about accommodating your DSS who you rarely see but ideas to bolt cupboards or label food are 'excellent' and quite ludicrous stretches that he must be watching porn and wanking haven't gotten you all hot and bothered!

I'd put a bolt on the kitchen door and bolt it while you're cooking. I wouldn't have a problem telling either of them you don't like being followed about, no smiling to soften the blow or making excuses, just tell them it's damn weird and it needs to stop. Tell DSS on arrival that the chocolate in the cupboard is your DDs and that he's not to rummage for it or eat any he finds, tell him where the nearest corner shop is. When husband goes away invite whoever you like to stay over.

I wonder if he's watching porn so dashes out to the kitchen to make sure you don't go in the living room and see what's on TV or walk in unexpectedly and interrupt him wanking?

Christ if those are your biggest issues, you aren't half petty.

I would find the way he seems to follow you around when you go back into a communal area like the kitchen to get something after you've gone to your room for the evening disturbing.

It reminds me of Donald Trump following Hilary Clinton around the stage during the presidential debates.

I think this level of checking up is something I would raise directly with DH and ask that he actually does something about it.

@Myfabby but you're wilfully not reading what I've written (in later posts) and have completely twisted my words!!!

I have always bought him chocolate, but I'm loathe to buy it in the sizes and quantities needed - that is NOT unreasonable. It's also not 3 bars, that would be fine, he's here for longer at Christmas - a week before and over NY. So no, I will not be buying 14 share size for just him...the rest of us wouldn't get through that in a week and it's unreasonable, and frankly ludicrous to suggest I do so. If he wanted a large bag of marshmallows a day I wouldn't supply it, the same applies, I will buy some cheap bars and nicer ones as gifts, that probably won't be enough.

As for the wanking - I can't imagine he does it in the front room, he's got a bedroom to do that in, I thought it was silly/so unlikely so didn't reply.

I also wouldn't put locks on cupboards, my main issue was the following me around and making me feel uncomfortable, which seems to have passed you by.

@Myfabby what about him forgetting to bring spare clothes and having to wear sick stained clothes for a trip?

I bet if it were your own DS, you'd quite happily pick him up and drive him anywhere he wanted to go.

Why are you dictating the rules?

No one's asking you to drive him. If your DH wants to do something nice for his DS, then why shouldn't he?

That's what families do. FGS. Come on, OP.

There is something else (these things are often complicated), as well as my own guilt to my son.

A week before I was due to have a caesarean to deliver DD2, I fell down the stairs. DD1 was still a baby and never slept. I was bleeding and my dad had to take me to hospital as DH was collecting DSS. Mum had DD1

They sent me home with strict instructions not to do much and to let DH lift DD1.

DH decided to go out with DSS instead. I begged him not to, but he promised DSS he'd go out for a pint and meal with him, leaving me to do bedtime.

The day before my planned CS DD2 died. The fall was one in a chain of things, but ultimately what killed her.

Logically I know that DH isn't to blame (I never blamed DSS as it was DH's choice to put him first, it was not DSS's fault. I never blamed DH really and have come to terms with it, but it may be what pushes the feeling that DH would never put me first.

Look I know these are my issues. I get incredibly anxious over everything, DD had a friend over today and I was panicking about that. DSS will be given chocolate, food, alcohol and will have as good a time as all of us. I was just ranting on here, rather than letting it sour things IRL

You want me to join you in chastizing your DSS?

Ok, then. It is very silly for a grown man to forget spare clothes. Naughty naughty boy. Happy now?

@THisbackwithavengeance I'm afraid I don't understand? I told my DH once that I didn't want him to pick him up (and DH didn't want to). That Christmas neither of us wanted any visitors (and yes he's family, but it wasn't a family thing), as we both didn't have it in us to celebrate. He had a far better time with his mum and wider family, than he'd have had if he'd come here, as he'd have had a miserable time.

Whatever I say, DH would do what he wanted anyway, as the autonomous man that he is.

@Myfabby yawn, still nothing about the main issue, which was following me around. I don't want you to chastise him, but I'm surprised you think it's normal for someone in their mid 30s to walk around with vomit on them for days.

You’re doing a good job of painting yourself as wicked stepmother OP. Your many complaints sound trivial and petty.

However, I suspect what you actually have is a DH problem. Why can’t your DS stay over, even when DH is away? I wonder if you would benefit from counselling regarding your sad loss of DD2?

The main issue is following you around? That's the least of your issues.

I'd say a lot more, but I have seen your further update re child loss, so I'll leave your thread.

I can see why he makes you a bit uncomfortable but I would grin and bear it for 3 x a year (and see it as the price to pay for a blended family). As other posters have said I would leave a cheap wash bag in spare room with toothbrush, shower gel etc (I still had this at my dad’s until early 30’s as he wanted me to be comfy in the ‘family home’ when I stayed. I’ve got the same in my family home now for him when he visits!).

I’d get a couple of bars of chocolate in he likes - I would do this for any family staying with me - but if he eats it all and asks for more say sorry that’s it gone! I‘m guessing DSS is single, until you’re settled sometimes it’s nice to have a ‘family home’ to go back to on occasion, my stepbrother definitely did this longer than my sister and I.

I see myself as a guest now in their home but until I had my own home I was encouraged to think of it as “coming home for Xmas” and it was really nice to have that.

Completely understand the year you didn’t want DH to go and pick DSS up. In normal circumstances though, as a one off? It’s what dads do. Mine drove 2.5 hours to meet me for lunch at a service station on Xmas eve when I couldn’t come and stay due to covid restrictions and was on my own.

Thank you for answering my question Op. I'm very sorry that you're getting such a hard time here, on anything but a Stepparent thread people would have expressed their sorrow for your loss and your mental health problems, well I'm sorry, sorry that your lost your DC and sorry that just because you aren't thrilled to see your DSS people feel the need to be so unkind to you

If a wife came on here with the same issues re: her husband, the replies would be very different.

He's not a skint teenager coming home from uni for Christmas - he's a grown arsed man in his 30s who is well off financially.

By all means, cater to guests; make them feel comfortable in your home - it's not about the cost, it's the fact that a man in his 30s just expects this treatment. I understand it's trivial buying a toothbrush, but I also think it's embarrassing that a grown man forgets things to ensure his own basic hygiene.

I understand a bar of chocolate is cheap and trivial, but again, it's just cringe that he expects it like a child.

Sorry for the hate you're getting, OP, if you're a stepmother on mumsnet it's sort of expected that you should treat your step kids like royalty, no matter what, end of.

I think your DSS is getting a lot of blame when the issue seems to be your DH.

I’ve not read it all but if my understanding is right that DSS lived there with your DH then in my opinion it is his home, it’s his childhood home. Regardless of where his home is now. He will have an emotional attachment to it.

My parents have never moved, I’ve not lived there for forty plus years but I still think of it as home when I’m there. Although I wouldn’t trot around going randomly in rooms but I do get myself a glass of water or make tea for everyone without asking.

you need to move, then you and your DH have a home of just your own.

Autism in women is quite often misdiagnosed as bipolar OP something to consider.

Would your husband have someone staying in his home that made him feel uncomfortable? If he wouldn’t then why would you?

I’m really sorry for your loss.

It seems the issue is with DH prioritising DSS over you, which will always be the case.

@whichwaytohome Don't apologise. You are allowed and entitled to your own space.
He just may need some boundaries.
Time to introduce and reinforce them.

That's an awful story, I'm so sorry OP.

Your DH is a despicable man.

I'm 40 and have 5 children. My parents home is still my home. When I stay there or visit they still get me my favourite treats and do for all my brothers and sisters.
I would never need to take a towel, a toothbrush or anything like that, she lets us use ones at her house. I can eat whatever I want in the kitchen without asking.
Earlier this year my train was cancelled home and my dad did a 300 mile trip without me even asking him. I was happy to get a hotel.
My parents recognises I'm still theirchild and will never stop that. I'd hate to feel like a guest in the home I grew up in.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Any man who leaves his pregnant partner, who's just had a serious accident and then is firmly told to rest and let husband do his share, is an absolute disgrace of a man.

I couldn't care less who he was supposed to be out with - when it comes to someone's health, especially his wife's and unborn child's, that's the priority.

No ifs, ands, buts - nothing. As you stipulate they were having a pint, I'm assuming DSS was a grown man and should have understood and even offered to help.