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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult DSS coming for Christmas worries.

128 replies

whichwaytohome · 02/12/2023 20:59

I'll start by saying I do like DSS and generally get on with him. I've been married to DH for 14 years and there were inevitable teething issues.

I moved in with DH when we married. DSS moved in with his mum, shortly before DD1 was born.

A lot of my issues are probably more DH based, as DSS still thinks of this as his home, which is what a lot of the problems seem to stem from.

He lives over 150 miles away and doesn't drive. Often he 'jokes' about DH driving him back (which is NOT going to happen), but it's not really a joke as he nags DH about it. I feel like next time he says it, I will reply with a quip about him learning to drive himself. To be fair DH never has. The only time it came near, was just after DD2 was born. DSS finished work late on Christmas Eve and his mum was going away. He wanted DH to collect him, as there was no public transport that time of night. Luckily DH said no (and DSS went with his mum). I couldn't have had that year anyway, he'd have expected a good time and there was no way I was in a place to facilitate that! We didn't even have a tree up that year!

My niggles are petty, but DH refuses to speak to him about them. One is he always stands over me, in our tiny kitchen. I hate being questioned about what I'm cooking, how much he can have, just being there really.

Same at night. He likes to watch TV after we've gone to bed, I'm happy with that. The only problem is he follows us out to the kitchen, as if he's making sure we're going to bed. He watches me take my meds etc. If I forget something and come down to the kitchen he rushes out. It makes me feel uncomfortable, like I'm being watched (which I am). I've asked DH to tell him not to (unless he wants something from there, which is fine), but DH said he can't tell not to come out when I'm there.

He never remembers simple things like toothbrushes. DH always asks me to get him one, which for a few days, seems like a waste. When my DS and me stayed at my parents, I'd always remember wash things, towels, toothbrushes, etc.

I provide dinner and dessert in the evening, but he also expects a large bar of chocolate. I'm loathe to buy it, as it's something you can buy for yourself. We've got some in as DD1 will eat a few pieces of a bar at a time, but I don't want to buy a large bar for him every night. He's more than capable of buying them, it's not something I feel I should provide.

I'm happy for DH and DD1 that he is coming again. I do like him, (despite the above), and we have lovely conversations, I just want to know how I can feel more comfortable... being able to come down at night without him rushing to the kitchen to see what I'm doing, etc.

Is there any best way to approach this. DH won't say anything, but I feel like the guest and it's his home, instead of it being vice versa.

As I said DH enables this, so I feel bad, as it's not really DSS's fault.

  • [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request to add the word 'Adult' as OP's DSS is in his 30s]
OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 03/12/2023 00:27

You made it sound like he is a teen now not mid 30s. Ask mn to change your title to include this and responses will go 180.

Original poster
whichwaytohome · 03/12/2023 00:29

@Amchoor yes it was his home, but it isn't now. I don't begrudge him coming. I was just ranting on here and asking for advice on how to feel more comfortable about him following me around; in the past I've got angry with DH when it's happened.

I do understand the difference as my son never lived here, but that doesn't mean that DSS has more 'claim' on it now. That wasn't the point though, I just wanted to have him here, but not be followed around.

OP posts:
Original poster
whichwaytohome · 03/12/2023 00:32

@Boomboom22 Thanks, I've done that.

OP posts:
Amchoor · 03/12/2023 00:34

whichwaytohome · 03/12/2023 00:29

@Amchoor yes it was his home, but it isn't now. I don't begrudge him coming. I was just ranting on here and asking for advice on how to feel more comfortable about him following me around; in the past I've got angry with DH when it's happened.

I do understand the difference as my son never lived here, but that doesn't mean that DSS has more 'claim' on it now. That wasn't the point though, I just wanted to have him here, but not be followed around.

It's his father's home. It's the home he grew up in. He's allowed to feel comfortable in his father's home and he's allowed to still feel like it is somewhat his home. It's your problem that your son has been made to feel unwelcome, not your step sons.

Original poster
whichwaytohome · 03/12/2023 00:51

@Amchoor thank you, you are right, thanks for helping me to see it that way.

OP posts:
Taurusandvirgo · 03/12/2023 01:07

whichwaytohome · 02/12/2023 21:51

I will tell him to back up. Good point. I'm incredibly unassertive in real life (and my psychiatrist told me I'm neurotic and anxious - I've got bipolar for full disclosure).

Anyone would be neurotic and anxious with a husband telling you what you can/can't do even when he's not there! And Creepy McCreepster following you about like you're not a person with personal space and are just some kind of pet that he finds entertaining to watch. I'd put a bolt on the kitchen door and bolt it while you're cooking. I wouldn't have a problem telling either of them you don't like being followed about, no smiling to soften the blow or making excuses, just tell them it's damn weird and it needs to stop. Tell DSS on arrival that the chocolate in the cupboard is your DDs and that he's not to rummage for it or eat any he finds, tell him where the nearest corner shop is. When husband goes away invite whoever you like to stay over.

I wonder if he's watching porn so dashes out to the kitchen to make sure you don't go in the living room and see what's on TV or walk in unexpectedly and interrupt him wanking?

You have a husband issue more than anything. He sees it as his house, not your joint home. That's why DSS gets the run of the place and you feel like a guest - because that's how your husband sees you. As someone he "allows" to "stay" in his home. Which is more than a bit off when you're married and have a child together! Move homes to one you jointly own that DSS has never lived in, to equal the power between you and husband. Or ditch the disrespectful fucker and live in peace on your own with DD. Whichever.

Also: neurotic and anxious with autistic DC - you could be too. Regardless, you're being far too nice and getting walked over by DSS and H

Taurusandvirgo · 03/12/2023 01:14

I was just ranting on here and asking for advice on how to feel more comfortable about him following me around; in the past I've got angry with DH when it's happened.

Wrong question OP. Never ask yourself how you can learn to tolerate the intolerable. Ask yourself why you're unable to be assertive about calling out the intolerable behaviour and insisting it stops. There's nothing wrong with you or your reactions, you're not the unreasonable/weird one here.

Myfabby · 03/12/2023 01:29

Taurusandvirgo · 03/12/2023 01:07

Anyone would be neurotic and anxious with a husband telling you what you can/can't do even when he's not there! And Creepy McCreepster following you about like you're not a person with personal space and are just some kind of pet that he finds entertaining to watch. I'd put a bolt on the kitchen door and bolt it while you're cooking. I wouldn't have a problem telling either of them you don't like being followed about, no smiling to soften the blow or making excuses, just tell them it's damn weird and it needs to stop. Tell DSS on arrival that the chocolate in the cupboard is your DDs and that he's not to rummage for it or eat any he finds, tell him where the nearest corner shop is. When husband goes away invite whoever you like to stay over.

I wonder if he's watching porn so dashes out to the kitchen to make sure you don't go in the living room and see what's on TV or walk in unexpectedly and interrupt him wanking?

You have a husband issue more than anything. He sees it as his house, not your joint home. That's why DSS gets the run of the place and you feel like a guest - because that's how your husband sees you. As someone he "allows" to "stay" in his home. Which is more than a bit off when you're married and have a child together! Move homes to one you jointly own that DSS has never lived in, to equal the power between you and husband. Or ditch the disrespectful fucker and live in peace on your own with DD. Whichever.

Also: neurotic and anxious with autistic DC - you could be too. Regardless, you're being far too nice and getting walked over by DSS and H

Edited
Show quote history

The far stretch to porn and bolts on the door, instructions not to rummage through cupboards - I really pray you never have step children. This is an absolutely vile way to think/ treat anyone !

Myfabby · 03/12/2023 01:32

Amybelle88 · 03/12/2023 00:21

@Myfabby and yet, her own son is expected to not get the same treatment...

Pitifully sad.

Well she’s chosen to do that with her son and they seem happy re status quo, she’s not starting a thread about that. I agree it’s pitifully sad.

She’s written mostly about DSS. So I addressed that obviously !

CurlewKate · 03/12/2023 02:14

@whichwaytohome

Why and how does your DP stop your ds from staying with you?

SwedeCaroline · 03/12/2023 02:21

you have only ever needed to buy him one tooth brush ever, and keep it at yours

Duckingella · 03/12/2023 03:07

In his mid thirties he shouldn't be living with his parents like a teenager.

marniemae · 03/12/2023 03:19

Duckingella · 03/12/2023 03:07

In his mid thirties he shouldn't be living with his parents like a teenager.

He doesn't live with his parents he's visiting

WaitingfortheTardis · 03/12/2023 04:10

Your husband sounds awful, especially in regards to your son. Just because they are adults doesn't mean that it isn't partly their home too, at least in a visiting and feeling comfortable when staying way. My own dd will always be welcome wherever I live, if anyone tried to prevent that I would get rid of them.

user1492757084 · 03/12/2023 04:47

This young (and approaching middle age) son is a guest.

Your home is not his home, I agree, but he does feel comfortable and welcome.
He visits twice per year for a few days.
I would not worry about him jumping up to greet you for ten nights per year.
I would stop him rummaging through your fridge and cupboards though as no lovely guest does that. You should not tolerate that and you are partially responsible for educating him in proper guest etiquette.

When he first arrives tell him that his lolly & choc snacks are in the container with his name marked and that if he wants more he is to buy them himself. Label a spot on a shelf in the fridge where SS can put anything he has brought for his own consumption. Showing him that space should trigger him into thinking it quite normal to pay for his own extra foods.

Explain which food stocks are shared and available - say bread, cereal, milk, butter, spreads, coffee, biscuits in green tin, fruit in fruit bowl.
They will be similar to what your DH, DD and other son have access to - all the same.
I would also have a snack container for your son too, and for their sister - each container with snacks to suit.

Your SS needs to see himself as the same as the other kids in the snack department. No one takes another sibling's snacks or they apologise, replace them and promise to not take them again. Your SS has missed out on learning empathy because he is an only child. It's healthy that he doesn't remain selfish and that he has boundaries.

Pigging into other food stuffs that you might have ear marked for meals etc is not on. Plainly say so. Every one in this house has access to XXXX. (Make a written sign if you have to).
Do say that it is unfair, inconsiderate and rude to help yourself to other items.

You are master in your own home. You have the capacity to politely set standards without having to ask permission from your DH. The SS is not a child. You are not parenting; you are reacting to a rude guest so that yearly visits remain sustainable, enjoyable and respectful.

autienotnaughty · 03/12/2023 04:54

The weird staring/spacial awareness is creepy. Id probably just ask him to move away.

I wouldn't provide chocolate for an adult child.

He can get his own toothbrush if he forgets or leave one there

I would not live with a man who said my child can't stop.

user96327888 · 03/12/2023 07:43

user1492757084 · 03/12/2023 04:47

This young (and approaching middle age) son is a guest.

Your home is not his home, I agree, but he does feel comfortable and welcome.
He visits twice per year for a few days.
I would not worry about him jumping up to greet you for ten nights per year.
I would stop him rummaging through your fridge and cupboards though as no lovely guest does that. You should not tolerate that and you are partially responsible for educating him in proper guest etiquette.

When he first arrives tell him that his lolly & choc snacks are in the container with his name marked and that if he wants more he is to buy them himself. Label a spot on a shelf in the fridge where SS can put anything he has brought for his own consumption. Showing him that space should trigger him into thinking it quite normal to pay for his own extra foods.

Explain which food stocks are shared and available - say bread, cereal, milk, butter, spreads, coffee, biscuits in green tin, fruit in fruit bowl.
They will be similar to what your DH, DD and other son have access to - all the same.
I would also have a snack container for your son too, and for their sister - each container with snacks to suit.

Your SS needs to see himself as the same as the other kids in the snack department. No one takes another sibling's snacks or they apologise, replace them and promise to not take them again. Your SS has missed out on learning empathy because he is an only child. It's healthy that he doesn't remain selfish and that he has boundaries.

Pigging into other food stuffs that you might have ear marked for meals etc is not on. Plainly say so. Every one in this house has access to XXXX. (Make a written sign if you have to).
Do say that it is unfair, inconsiderate and rude to help yourself to other items.

You are master in your own home. You have the capacity to politely set standards without having to ask permission from your DH. The SS is not a child. You are not parenting; you are reacting to a rude guest so that yearly visits remain sustainable, enjoyable and respectful.

Your SS has missed out on learning empathy because he is an only child.

Are you fr?

smilesup · 03/12/2023 07:50

It all sounds very weird. Your DH sounds like a controlling wanker.

Floofydawg · 03/12/2023 08:16

He sounds really greedy with food. That would irritate me as well if I was expected to provide it all.

Daleksatemyshed · 03/12/2023 12:18

Does your DSS have any ND Op? It may be just me but I can't imagine a grown man asking how much food he can have for dinner like a child, or forgetting basics like clean clothes, he also seems to have no idea of personal space which makes you uncomfortable.
I do think you need to talk to your DH but more about why your own DC isn't allowed to visit, why are you expected to welcome his DS but it's a flat No to yours

Original poster
whichwaytohome · 03/12/2023 14:50

@Daleksatemyshed I'm not aware of any ND issues, though I never realised my DS was autistic until he was a teenager. It's the personal space thing, exactly. I'm someone who needs it and cooking dinner, etc, gives me space away from everyone as I'm OK for short bursts, but constant questions, etc, tire me very fast.

DS is allowed to come - and does - it's just he wouldn't stay, though his autism presents as liking his own space too (which is why I never realised he was autistic as I'm the same).

OP posts:
Original poster
whichwaytohome · 03/12/2023 14:52

@user1492757084 thank you, excellent ideas

OP posts:
Myfabby · 03/12/2023 15:02

whichwaytohome · 03/12/2023 14:52

@user1492757084 thank you, excellent ideas

Some are terrible ideas. signs saying don't touch- is it shared uni accomodation?

Labelling snacks? For a 3 day visit? Disgraceful and sad.

Maddy70 · 03/12/2023 15:06

Is this a real post? It should be his home? You sound awful

stomachameleon · 03/12/2023 15:07

@whichwaytohome I wouldn't be labelling snacks but I would just be a bit more direct eg 'an off to do dinner now so do not disturb me' type thing.
If he still does then just say ' I need ten minutes' and turn away.
The chocolate thing he is able to bring himself surely if he wants it if it's above and beyond what you normally buy.
Christmas is more relaxed surely anyway.
Is your son visiting or coming for dinner?