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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult DSS coming for Christmas worries.

128 replies

whichwaytohome · 02/12/2023 20:59

I'll start by saying I do like DSS and generally get on with him. I've been married to DH for 14 years and there were inevitable teething issues.

I moved in with DH when we married. DSS moved in with his mum, shortly before DD1 was born.

A lot of my issues are probably more DH based, as DSS still thinks of this as his home, which is what a lot of the problems seem to stem from.

He lives over 150 miles away and doesn't drive. Often he 'jokes' about DH driving him back (which is NOT going to happen), but it's not really a joke as he nags DH about it. I feel like next time he says it, I will reply with a quip about him learning to drive himself. To be fair DH never has. The only time it came near, was just after DD2 was born. DSS finished work late on Christmas Eve and his mum was going away. He wanted DH to collect him, as there was no public transport that time of night. Luckily DH said no (and DSS went with his mum). I couldn't have had that year anyway, he'd have expected a good time and there was no way I was in a place to facilitate that! We didn't even have a tree up that year!

My niggles are petty, but DH refuses to speak to him about them. One is he always stands over me, in our tiny kitchen. I hate being questioned about what I'm cooking, how much he can have, just being there really.

Same at night. He likes to watch TV after we've gone to bed, I'm happy with that. The only problem is he follows us out to the kitchen, as if he's making sure we're going to bed. He watches me take my meds etc. If I forget something and come down to the kitchen he rushes out. It makes me feel uncomfortable, like I'm being watched (which I am). I've asked DH to tell him not to (unless he wants something from there, which is fine), but DH said he can't tell not to come out when I'm there.

He never remembers simple things like toothbrushes. DH always asks me to get him one, which for a few days, seems like a waste. When my DS and me stayed at my parents, I'd always remember wash things, towels, toothbrushes, etc.

I provide dinner and dessert in the evening, but he also expects a large bar of chocolate. I'm loathe to buy it, as it's something you can buy for yourself. We've got some in as DD1 will eat a few pieces of a bar at a time, but I don't want to buy a large bar for him every night. He's more than capable of buying them, it's not something I feel I should provide.

I'm happy for DH and DD1 that he is coming again. I do like him, (despite the above), and we have lovely conversations, I just want to know how I can feel more comfortable... being able to come down at night without him rushing to the kitchen to see what I'm doing, etc.

Is there any best way to approach this. DH won't say anything, but I feel like the guest and it's his home, instead of it being vice versa.

As I said DH enables this, so I feel bad, as it's not really DSS's fault.

  • [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request to add the word 'Adult' as OP's DSS is in his 30s]
OP posts:
ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 02/12/2023 21:52

At mid thirties, in full time employment, he shouldn't be expecting a large bar of chocolate every night he stays. This is bizarre. I'm guessing you provide all meals whilst he's with you. He's a grown man and needs to act like one.

He feels like it's his house because it was. If you moved, he wouldn't think this. That's where the difference comes from with your DS, that, and your DH infantilising his adult DS. What the hell is this "Daaaaad can you do a 350 mile round trip to come pick me up from work please" at mid thirties??

The hovering in your face and watching you take medication is weird. Plain weird. Does he act strangely in other situations?

Original poster
whichwaytohome · 02/12/2023 21:54

@HoHoHoliday I understand that. Sorry for your loss Flowers. Yes I would and tbf DH has driven him long distances to and from army barracks when he was going to join. The only reason that he didn't want to that year, was because baby DD2 had just died, we didn't want Christmas anyway and I didn't want any guests, he went with his mum anyway.

OP posts:
WinterWarmth · 02/12/2023 21:54

So am I understanding correctly that the house you live in now was the family home of your DH and his 1st wife so DSS grew up there and lived there with his Dad before you got with him?

If so I should imagine your DSS certainly thinks of it as ‘home’.

I assume you DS never actually lived there so a bit different.

Very odd that your DH won’t even let your DS stay over though.

I wouldn’t be getting upset about an adult SS staying with us for a few days a few times a year TBH.

Your DSS sounds like he could be on the ASD spectrum too from what you’ve mentioned about his behaviours.

Original poster
whichwaytohome · 02/12/2023 21:57

@ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe only acts strangely in never remembering things, even when reminded (like not taking a change of clothes away, vomiting on them and having to wear them all trip). He doesn't like spending any money. He offered to buy us a takeaway and DH agreed, then DH ended up paying for it as he forgot his card. He won't drive as it's too expensive. I'm not sure if that's strange though, as I would tend to be miserly, due to being a single mum on my arse at one stage.

OP posts:
Original poster
whichwaytohome · 02/12/2023 21:59

@WinterWarmth He could be. I'm not the best judge as my DS was diagnosed in his teens, after his school suggested it. I never thought him odd, he didn't want to go out, was a loner, had strange rituals...all I thought was normal as I'm the same. He could well be.

OP posts:
Original poster
whichwaytohome · 02/12/2023 22:01

To be clear I'm not upset about him staying, I just want to be able to come down in the middle of the night, without him coming to see what I'm doing, same with when I'm cooking. Also not going in our room, without asking. Sounds silly now I've written it down.

OP posts:
Evenstar · 02/12/2023 22:04

He does seem extremely immature and lacking in social skills, but like PP I wonder if like your son he is ND

Original poster
whichwaytohome · 02/12/2023 22:07

@SD1978 he's stayed three times this year, I'm not putting up any roadblocks, I'm on here, not saying this to DH or his son. I understand that this was his home, it's not now! How would it be fair to say he's welcome but my son's not? I also never made him feel like he had to move. He was an adult then. His mum had long wanted him to be with her, but she left DH for someone else and he stayed to make sure his dad was OK. He was closer to his mum. He now lives miles from either as he has his own place.

OP posts:
Rjahdhdvd · 02/12/2023 22:08

A lot of this sounds like odd behaviour for a man in his 30s.
The whole standoff over you thing though could be sorted out by just saying to him, “I’m a bit busy cooking, could you give me a minute” or “DSD I’m just getting ready for bed, is there something you need” etc etc.

FannyFifer · 02/12/2023 22:12

Would you not have let him wash his clothes?

Evenstar · 02/12/2023 22:23

@FannyFifer it would certainly seem a better option than him sitting around with sick on his clothes 🤢

Livelovebehappy · 02/12/2023 22:29

Your language sounds very controlling. Most of the stuff you’re moaning about is petty. You don’t need to involve yourself in any of this. He’s not asking anything of you, just of his dad. Leave it between your dss and his dad, and find something else to occupy your headspace. To complain that he’s in your space when you go into a room is just silly.

Forgotmylogindetails · 02/12/2023 22:33

Is this a wind up?

Myfabby · 02/12/2023 22:33

toothbrush, bar of choc, all items costing less than £2.

I've driven to shrewsbury- 170miles to watch my son play approximately 45 mins of football.

very sad.

Shannonz · 02/12/2023 22:46

whichwaytohome · 02/12/2023 22:07

@SD1978 he's stayed three times this year, I'm not putting up any roadblocks, I'm on here, not saying this to DH or his son. I understand that this was his home, it's not now! How would it be fair to say he's welcome but my son's not? I also never made him feel like he had to move. He was an adult then. His mum had long wanted him to be with her, but she left DH for someone else and he stayed to make sure his dad was OK. He was closer to his mum. He now lives miles from either as he has his own place.

Why isn’t your son welcome?

Eatbetterthisweek · 02/12/2023 23:11

Your own son can’t even look in your kitchen cupboards for a snack and you begrudge your stepson some cheap chocolate.

Do you consider this normal parent behaviour?

stomachameleon · 02/12/2023 23:34

They are in their thirties!!!!
I had three kids by then.
Make up a pack when he leave this time with a towel, same toothbrush, deodorant etc in it for next time.
If he is acting like your shadow. Tell him to shift. It would annoy me.
If he wants chocolate he can buy it. Or your husband can. Just go deaf when asked. They will soon stop asking.
If you want your son round invite him. It's your house too after all.

This would drive me mad.

Amybelle88 · 03/12/2023 00:05

He's in his thirties and follows you around the house, expects you to buy him a bar of chocolate every night, wants his dad to run him round on 350 mile journeys and has sleepovers with his dad and his dads wife. In his thirties.

And people think you should pander to this and pop out to buy him bars of chocolate.

Wow.

Myfabby · 03/12/2023 00:12

Amybelle88 · 03/12/2023 00:05

He's in his thirties and follows you around the house, expects you to buy him a bar of chocolate every night, wants his dad to run him round on 350 mile journeys and has sleepovers with his dad and his dads wife. In his thirties.

And people think you should pander to this and pop out to buy him bars of chocolate.

Wow.

3x a year.

Yes.

Some of us won't promptly banish our children at 18.

I get treats and decadent desserts in for visitors much less my children. My cleaner can help herself to drinks, snacks and fruit.

and a spare toothbrush? I despair. They're sold in the pound shop!

BTW, It's silly of you to paint spending christmas as sleepovers

Like I said pitifully sad.

Amybelle88 · 03/12/2023 00:21

@Myfabby and yet, her own son is expected to not get the same treatment...

Pitifully sad.

Original poster
whichwaytohome · 03/12/2023 00:22

@FannyFifer Of course I would have let him was his clothes, hell I would have washed them myself - but it was pretty impossible when he was in another country with DH (which is why DH reminded him to pack spare clothes, who goes abroad for a holiday with only the clothes they are wearing?)

OP posts:
Amchoor · 03/12/2023 00:23

He's stayed 3 times this year and begrudging that!? 3 times in one year is nothing, I stay at my mums house monthly! I expected you to say he stays all the time.
And yes my mum gets some extra bars of chocolate or treats in when I stay. Just as I do when she stays at mine. And I have a spare tooth brush at her house. Sometimes we give each other lifts too. Honestly this all sounds a bit bizarre and completely blown out of proportion.

Amchoor · 03/12/2023 00:25

Also it was his home thus he still thinks of it as home. It was never your son's home. How can't you see the difference? It's glaringly obvious to everyone else.

Original poster
whichwaytohome · 03/12/2023 00:25

@Eatbetterthisweek Of course I don't begrudge him cheap chocolate, but he prefers more expensive, anyway it was a stupid thing to moan about, but I'm on here, not voicing it in real life and have never not given him what he wants (and usually offer.

As for my son not looking - DH wouldn't be happy. Mind you I don't go looking through my mum's cupboards (my sister does though).

OP posts:
Nineteendays · 03/12/2023 00:26

I really think you needed to put he is in his mid thirties in your op. Everyone is just reading that and thinking he’s about 17 and yabu when of course yanbu. A grown adult can buy himself chocolate, toothbrushes and driving lessons.