Adult DSS coming for Christmas worries.

[whichwaytohome]

I'll start by saying I do like DSS and generally get on with him. I've been married to DH for 14 years and there were inevitable teething issues.

I moved in with DH when we married. DSS moved in with his mum, shortly before DD1 was born.

A lot of my issues are probably more DH based, as DSS still thinks of this as his home, which is what a lot of the problems seem to stem from.

He lives over 150 miles away and doesn't drive. Often he 'jokes' about DH driving him back (which is NOT going to happen), but it's not really a joke as he nags DH about it. I feel like next time he says it, I will reply with a quip about him learning to drive himself. To be fair DH never has. The only time it came near, was just after DD2 was born. DSS finished work late on Christmas Eve and his mum was going away. He wanted DH to collect him, as there was no public transport that time of night. Luckily DH said no (and DSS went with his mum). I couldn't have had that year anyway, he'd have expected a good time and there was no way I was in a place to facilitate that! We didn't even have a tree up that year!

My niggles are petty, but DH refuses to speak to him about them. One is he always stands over me, in our tiny kitchen. I hate being questioned about what I'm cooking, how much he can have, just being there really.

Same at night. He likes to watch TV after we've gone to bed, I'm happy with that. The only problem is he follows us out to the kitchen, as if he's making sure we're going to bed. He watches me take my meds etc. If I forget something and come down to the kitchen he rushes out. It makes me feel uncomfortable, like I'm being watched (which I am). I've asked DH to tell him not to (unless he wants something from there, which is fine), but DH said he can't tell not to come out when I'm there.

He never remembers simple things like toothbrushes. DH always asks me to get him one, which for a few days, seems like a waste. When my DS and me stayed at my parents, I'd always remember wash things, towels, toothbrushes, etc.

I provide dinner and dessert in the evening, but he also expects a large bar of chocolate. I'm loathe to buy it, as it's something you can buy for yourself. We've got some in as DD1 will eat a few pieces of a bar at a time, but I don't want to buy a large bar for him every night. He's more than capable of buying them, it's not something I feel I should provide.

I'm happy for DH and DD1 that he is coming again. I do like him, (despite the above), and we have lovely conversations, I just want to know how I can feel more comfortable... being able to come down at night without him rushing to the kitchen to see what I'm doing, etc.

Is there any best way to approach this. DH won't say anything, but I feel like the guest and it's his home, instead of it being vice versa.

As I said DH enables this, so I feel bad, as it's not really DSS's fault.

• [Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request to add the word 'Adult' as OP's DSS is in his 30s]

Agree with other posters I think you have a husband problem not a stepson problem. Although he sounds very immature as I think most of us expected him to be a teen.

Sorry for all you've been through and the tough replies you've been given. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you could possibly be autistic as well. It's extremely hereditary and I was going to mention I thought you may be before you mentioned your son was.

I'm autistic myself and some of the comments you made are similar to how I often feel sometimes and it would explain why sometimes you uncomfortable with your stepson around. Also you could be somehow triggered by that horrible time when he visits which is unfortunate and nobody's fault. I agree with a previous poster who said autism is often overlooked and can be misdiagnosed as bipolar, especially in women. You could have a look on YouTube for more information.

I hope you are OK.

Jesus Christ OP - I initially thought you were talking about a teenager! Or maybe an early 20s very young man

He's in his 30s? I can't see this one resolving itself so all you can do is have a really hard think about what you want from your life.

I'd suggest leaving your horrible husband to his overgrown man child

@Myfabby I'm sorry you've left. I've had time to think and speak to DH about Christmas food. He also reminded me that when we first married, he'd do the shop for him and DSS, as they are very differently to me, very meat heavy, I'm not a vegetarian, but don't like meat.

I once tried to make a dinner for them, but made the mistake of buying a packet of two kyivs. This wasn't enough, they needed two each. As one each had always been enough for my son & I, I let DH carry on (he was happy to and liked cooking). I got my own very different meals (which they, or rather DSS, didn't like). It worked well.

After DD1 was born and DH worked different hours, I took over the cooking. I've slowly changed DH to having some vegetarian meals, but more crucially, less meat (one portion instead of two). Never been an issue and DSS was OK with it, until the last visit, where he had a pack of 6 sausages to himself...no I can't afford to feed him that much meat during his visit, but usually cook stews, lasagne, chicken, so it's fine.

We wat a lot of eggs, DSS has never liked them (no allergies), so I've not used them.

As for the chocolate, actually I've rembered that DH used to buy him two a week, so I don't think I'm unreasonable to not to buy more; but more importantly - why should I? He has a dad, why should treats, over and above what I'd buy anyway, be bought by me? Would I buy it for my DS? Yes, of course, but I wouldn't expect DH to.

I will of course by him some, I always do, but his laundry, towels, toothbrush, could equally be facilitated by his own father!

I wonder about the autism, I get anxious about builders, friends , everyone, but I've known DSS for over 14 years, and still feel unable to say anything. Simple things like putting his finished plate in the sofa (which is new), I go to get it and get says he was about to take it out.

His following/always being in the kitchen does bug me, yet he never follows when I'm washing up!

@themusingsofaninsomniac thank you, I will look into it..

@supersonicginandtonic I can understan that, but it isn't the same home it was, his mother isn't here. I suppose it's good he feels comfortable, it's just the coming into the kitchen in the night (whe I usually just have a nightie in), asking what I'm looking for (how the hell would he know if I told him?) Putting in hats, putting on my glasses...yes I've done that sort of thing, when I was a child. I guess it makes me feel vulnerable that anything that's mine vpcan be touched/tried on. I wouldn't dream of looking through his bag.

For God's sake how would you react if you didn't like him? Not wanting to have chocolate at home for the son of your husband ? Of course he will feel is his place didn't you feel your parent's place was yours at your 30s ? Was it less yours because you were adult ? And it seems he likes being on your company, he is coming for few days anyway so I guess he prefers to be around you than watch tv

#whichwaytohome I think they problem is your husband. You should be able to have your son over and he should feel at home when he is at his mother's and half sisters house. I feel at home when I am in my parents in law house I can't imagine feel a guest to my parents house

Again Op you are married and saying you shouldn't be the one buying. For me when married there is no money my money . I think o view family differently than you and my comments probably will not help you much

@Sofita90 we don't have a joint account. We split bills (he pays some, I pay others), the shopping is solely my responsibility, so no I don't want to buy it out of my money and not my own son. We buy presents separately for our respective sons,. I will buy food, snacks and drinks, but I don't see why he needs excessive amounts of chocolate bought for him.. I will buy him some though, I always have.

He earns a great deal more than me and has far less outgoings, it wouldn't hurt him to buy his own treats, on top of what is offered. I'm being expected to buy more than his own dad did whdn he lived here full-time.

It's maybe nice that he prefers me to TV, but I don't like it. I don't want to be stood over when cooking/dishing up. I don't want him coming into the kitchen to see what I'm doing at night (something as simple as forgetting a pill, letting the cat out or in). I don't want to be questioned about what I'm looking for, or what I'm doing.

Maybe he's trying to be helpful, but it really makes me feel vulnerable.

It would be much nicer if he asked if could help, or even talk to me, not just stand and stare.

As for it being home - yes it was, of course hes got an emotional connection to it, buf its now my home and heunderstand thst things are different and he can't behave in the way he once did.

Sometimes it feels (,by words or actions), that he pissing over his territory to mark it, as he definitely makes me feel like the guest at times.

Not everyone works their finances like that though. Especially in blended families. My money is my money actually, and it's not spent on children who aren't mine.

If money is so tight that OP can’t afford an extra pack of sausages and some bars of chocolate then either her husband isn’t sharing the financial load or money is a worry and adult step son needs to be told they can’t afford to feed him when he is visiting.

I think it's the principle rather than the money from what the OP has said. The SS sounds greedy. A whole pack of sausages for one person is not reasonable.

Has your step son actually demanded you buy him a bar of chocolate for every day of his stay? He's only been twice this year by the sounds from your previous posts, so I can't work out where this conversation was had. I also don't see an issue with feeding your children when they stay at your house. Would you feed your own son if he came to stay?

Your husband should be contributing to the food pot when either of your adult sons come over.

That isn’t your Ss’s fault- that’s your husband’s. I’d be furious if my son didn’t feel welcome in my home- you need to address this. No wonder you feel resentful.

@Amchoor it was a few years ago. He would go in the cupboard (bypassing DD's chocolate as he doesn't like that), looking for some, took DH's (DH doesn't eat chocolate anymore, so it won't be there), and DH told him off. I then found some chocolate for the next few nights, but he bought some as well. He always asks when he comes. The last time he came, there wasn't any, due to DH not eating it, and he said that as his son, we should have a supply in. DH treated it as a joke and told him to buy his own, but the next night he was back rummaging and found some I'd bought to make brownies, so ate that. After that I've always bought it, though DH always tells him to get his own, but DSS retorts that his son he should have it in.

He also says as his son he should give him lifts, buy him furniture, pay a deposit on a flat for him, etc, etc (no we cannot afford it and I would be furious if DH tried to pay a deposit for a flat, especially as we rent too and have less disposable income and savings than him).

It may not be the buying so much, as I know DH would support me in not buying him any, it's the assumption that I should.

I know what everyone means by saying that it was his home. When DS was small, we used to go to my parent's every year, it felt like home to me too. But, to be fair, mum didn't buy me chocolate, I used to take my own for DS and me(and I was younger than DSS is now), as my parents didn't eat it. So I guess I'm wondering why he needs it, it's not food, it's not a snack (sorry but a share bag or a large bar of chocolate is not a snack), it's not even dessert...all those are of course normal, we're not going to sit here eating something without offering/sharing.

OP my elder adult DS is autistic and has some of the kind of entitlement you describe. He stays with us once or twice a year (we live in different countries) and I just keep toiletries and towels here for him. It saves anybody having to think about it. He also likes beer, which neither of us do. I get a six pack in before he comes, and once that's gone I expect him to buy his own. It's a nice gesture as a host to offer something you know he likes, but there's no obligation to provide it routinely every day.

A good point here. Getting some things in he likes is being a good host. How would DH be if you said a week before - “DSS is coming next week and you know he likes his treats - you should pick up some x,y,z for him.” If DH thinks that’s an unreasonable request or doesn’t give you a few £ towards the shopping you have a DH problem.

Get a few bits in DSS likes, chocolate, extra toothbrush what have you. When it’s gone it’s gone and it’s then up to him to replace if he really wants. Also if he is working and in his 30s I would expect him to arrive “home” for a visit at xmas with a wee something for you and DH, even just a bottle of wine or a tin of Roses.

@jolies1 TBH if I said to DH that he should pick up some treats for him, he would laugh! He doesn't think I should, but I feel uncomfortable when he looks through cupboards or says that a dad should get treats for his son. DH gets his drink in, or I do. I do get extra chocolate in for him, I've done it ever since he couldn't find any. So it's not that he doesn't have it, it's the expectation and snarky comments that get me. If he was appreciative I wouldn't mind.

Another example is time before last we didn't have a car. DH was walking two miles to and from work everyday (he either works till 1am or starts at 4.30am, so public transport not available). DSS gets free rail travel, but not to our station, but one 20 miles away. DH had to borrow a car from a friend and insure it to use for one day, as DSS didn't want to get (the very well served) bus there - it would have cost £2. It cost far more than £2 to take him there, but he never offers petrol money. Before anyone says children should be ferried for free - yes, maybe locally, but further they should pay a contribution. I can't drive due to my condition, when my dad was alive I would give him a contribution if was somewhere out of the way and specifically a trip for me.

Added to this, I am disabled. I cannot walk very far at all. I have to get buses to the hospital (further away), as DH doesn't have much time off.

DSS also questioned whether I was really disabled last time he was here. He said he didn't think I was and not being able to walk far (I do have a medical condition), wasn't really disabled.

@whichwaytohome many people are still talking about him like he is a child and he is thirty.....
As it's Christmas buy him one. Then he buys his own. Tbh the more you write the more I feel sorry for him as he obviously hasn't been told 'nope' by his dad.
The bus scenario is ridiculous just takes a 'nope get the bus see you soon'
He is a monster of your dh's making but you don't have to go along with it. If your husband has agreed he can get his own why let it bother you.
Your DSS needs to start dealing with his own needs not looking to others to solve them for him.

This is making me stressed reading it OP!

Just stop. Stop buying him tooth brushes, stop buying him chocolate. Stop tidying up after him.
Let DH host him. Also he is an adult - he can do those things himself. Don’t feel bad that you’re not being a “good host”. If he treats it like his own home then he doesn’t need to be hosted anyway.

Just take a back seat, make your own plans, do your own thing as much as you can.

But you do need to agree some boundaries with your DH and ask him to tell DSS. For example going into your bedroom, I wouldn’t be comfortable with that. He doesn’t need to go in you bedroom at all.

@DuploTrain I know what you mean- the more I read the things the Op's DSS says and does the more puzzled I am. Even if his Dad over indulged him when he was a boy I'm still confused as to why a 30 year old man still has a laundry list of things he thinks his Dad should do for him, especially since his Dad seems to laugh most of them off.

@whichwaytohome I think the situation should be handled by your husband. For the chocolates he can tell him you don't eat them anymore you are happy to share with him everything you consume but since he particularly likes these chocolates he can bring everytime he comes over. The way you split finances is your personal choice if I were you I would say to my husband before his son arrives that since dss will be here next week and I am oing to supermarket can you give me 20 pounds to buy the chocolates and snacks he likes? This could be a solution, probably your husband will tell you not to buy and he will have to deal with it.

In respect of him staring at you and not talking just tell him . Make conversation like " ooh John I see you are staring at me ... Do you need anything? Bla bla bla " no need to be defensive but I understand you need to feel comfortable in your home so if any situation makes you uncomfortable just express it. " Oh John it makes me uncomfortable every time I come downstairs you come to check if I need anything, if I need I will let you know probably I have forgotten something no reason for you to be disturbed hahaha" . Or when you want to watch something till late say" tomorrow at 10 I want to watch a film I like I hope you don't mind , you can of course watch it with me but no talking please".
When we say it is his place too we mean he should feel comfortable but of course you should feel comfortable too, it is your primary home.

For me I could give any money for my husband's and my family but they do the same. His dad is paying 3 k for repairs in our summer flat and he wants no money as he says if he pays or we pay is the same. I invited his nephew for a summer course in London and offered we pay.. and every time we visit my nieces my husband insists of us buying more gifts for "his niece's ".

I’m assuming the DSS has some additional needs, his behaviour sounds very odd

WTF?

Why did your DH give him your towel?

He drank so much he was sick down himself in your home then wore the same clothes for the rest of his stay? And no one said anything?

He follows you into the kitchen and watches you taking medication?

He stands over you while you’re cooking asking how much he”ll be able to eat?

He arrives expecting a large bar of chocolate to himself every night after dinner and pudding?

Can your DH not see how weird this behaviour is?