Cancelling birthday weekend due to illness - there wasn’t any alternative??!!

[Sicknessbug]

Dsd birthday weekend was last weekend , lots of things planned / booked.
At about 4am on the Saturday morning I woke up really really ill (?noro) so we had to cancel everything as dh needed to look after our 2 dc. I have other conditions which complicate things. On the Saturday afternoon dc1 also became unwell.

We have rescheduled everything we could for next weekend (EOW contact) but dsd now doesn’t want to come and says I ruined her whole birthday and she refuses to come here . Dh explained to her that illness is unavoidable and she needs to accept that sometimes plans have to change. Dsd mum is also furious as she thinks it should have all gone ahead and it’s causing so many issues - dsd is 12 so old enough to understand?

For context in 8 years of contact this is the first time we have ever had to cancel

Why couldn't your DH have taken Dsd out along with your DC?

She might be able to understand that people get ill and that might mean that things have to be cancelled, but neither she or her Dad were ill so her birthday could still have been celebrated when it should have been.

In her mind, and with good reason, her Dad choose to prioritise his new children and new partner over her even though it was her birthday and he lives with them all the time when she only gets to see him once a fortnight.

I would expect this to damage the relationship and for her to need a huge amount of reassurance and prioritising for her to be able to see that she is still equally as important to her father as his new children.

Why couldn't the dad take all the kids out?

It was booked and planned for just the two of them on the saturday then the Sunday (actual birthday) presents etc and a little party with us then dh and dad out again in the afternoon so dc hadn’t been booked onto anything and are too young plus dc1 was vomiting by sat afternoon too

His contact is mostly 1-1 as it’s his time to see his dd on the weekends they are usually out most of the time

A lot of the weekends they go away as well , dsd has always had that 1-1 time

I get one of the kids ended up ill too but I'm sure she would have preferred a day out with dad and siblings while they had the chance rather than nothing.

This is the first time ever that we’ve had to cancel and I think the fact it was a birthday weekend has made it so much worse

I can understand why she's gutted and angry. Was there really no alternative? Did your DH try and get other people eg her mum to cover things so she could do at least some of it?

If your DH unilaterally cancelled everything without trying I'd not be impressed, this wasn't your problem to sort as a) you were too ill to participate and b) it's his child. In no way is this your fault or your responsibility.

I don't think you can blame a 12 yr old for not graciously accepting "plans have to change" and for playing out her disappointment, she doesn't just have to understand. My dd is turning 12 shortly and I know she'd be absolute gutted. Her mum though should be helping to manage the situation rather than flinging mud at you and fuelling the discontent.

She prefers 1-1 time as our dc are much younger and demanding. Plus we hadn’t booked them on to the things and they are too young anyway

We have no family nearby who could have helped and our neighbours are very elderly we have literally no one to call on

It doesn't always need to be 1 to 1 does it? Do you not want Dsd to have a relationship with her siblings?

I think you can all agree with her that it’s ok to be upset and disappointed it as your dh has said sometimes things happen.

It’s nothing to do with prioritising his new children over her, if it were your oldest child’s birthday and the youngest needed looking after as you were too ill, the same would have happened.

Just let her know that you’re all very sorry that things have had to be rearranged but that you’ll still do something special.

Dsd mum is also furious as she thinks it should have all gone ahead

I'm sure she'd have been thrilled if her DD came home with norovirus.

In her mind, and with good reason, her Dad choose to prioritise his new children and new partner over her even though it was her birthday and he lives with them all the time when she only gets to see him once a fortnight.

You were in a difficult situation, but from her pov that is how she is bound to feel. You and her Dad could acknowledge her feelings and disappointment instead of being defensive about your circumstances and deciding how she ‘should’ feel and ‘ought to’ react.

What would you have done if DH wasn't around when you were sick op? You'd have had to cope alone with your dc. I'd like to think I'd have to be on my death bed to cancel with dsd.

It’s what she prefers and dh wants time with her as he sees our dc every day. She does obviously see them but she finds them irritating ! A baby and a demanding toddler just seem to irritate her

Lots of single parents get I'll & cope. You should have for a few hours/afternoon

💯 unreasonable- her dad wasn't I'll - he & you have let her down badly.

I would be bloody raging as her mum.
Pathetic behaviour.

I pretty much was - norovirus with other issues (crohns and type 1 diabetes ) can be very dangerous

Usually if I’m ill it’s manageable - this just wasn’t manageable or safe for me to be on my own with dc as I said it’s the first cancellation in 8 years of contact

DH could have at least taken her out for lunch somewhere, maybe cinema or stg as well. Explained to Dsd that we had to postpone what we had planned but it's your birthday and I still want to treat / spend time with you. DD may gave to go back to mums rather than staying overnight in a house with a vomiting bug but at least she sees and has fun with dad. Either he brings the younger ones with him or leaves them at home with you, maybe having made them a sandwich for lunch that you can just get out of the fridge. Let them watch tv while dad is out if you're too ill to play.

What's done is done. DH has some work to do to show Dsd she is still a priority.

It’s nothing to do with prioritising his new children over her, if it were your oldest child’s birthday and the youngest needed looking after as you were too ill, the same would have happened.

Of course, but have none of you ever been a 12 year old? Watched your Dad start a new family, have new kids with whom he lives 24/7? I am sure the OP and her Dad do their best and are good parents / step parent, but you can’t magic away the feelings of a child who is in the awkwardness of being part child / part teen, pubescent hormonal grip, and living the long term effects of the lives of the adults around her.

Poor kid - her dad has really let her down. He could easily have rearranged the plans and still seen her on her birthday.

Sounds extreme to cancel her birthday plans. I understand why she is upset, she was let down by her dad so he could look after his other kids on her birthday. I think you are lacking empathy and understanding for this child.