Cancelling birthday weekend due to illness - there wasn’t any alternative??!!

[Sicknessbug]

Dsd birthday weekend was last weekend , lots of things planned / booked.
At about 4am on the Saturday morning I woke up really really ill (?noro) so we had to cancel everything as dh needed to look after our 2 dc. I have other conditions which complicate things. On the Saturday afternoon dc1 also became unwell.

We have rescheduled everything we could for next weekend (EOW contact) but dsd now doesn’t want to come and says I ruined her whole birthday and she refuses to come here . Dh explained to her that illness is unavoidable and she needs to accept that sometimes plans have to change. Dsd mum is also furious as she thinks it should have all gone ahead and it’s causing so many issues - dsd is 12 so old enough to understand?

Can I just say - if the child wasn't a step child and the poster wrote on AIBU saying that her husband took their eldest out for the day leaving her home alone with the two youngest when she had norovirus there would be bloody uproar and calls for her to LTB. Step parents are never treated reasonably on here - it's shit.

Absolutely.

Also, birthday weekend or not, running the risk of transferring norovirus between households is madness. DH’s ex was a bit like this, she would happily have spread bubonic plague between the two households, just so long as the visiting schedule was adhered to.

Bringing a child into a house with an unpleasant and highly infectious disease isn't sensible.
Yes it's going to be very disappointing for the dc but life is sometimes.

It isn't reasonable to insist that a very ill person cares for dc when there is another parent available.

It seems that OP made the most sensible choice in a bad situation.

I do think moving forward a better mix of individual and family time might be helpful for the eldest child.

At 12 he should have spoken to her and given her some options rather than just cancelling everything without discussing anything with her.

Absolutely.

Some of the vile comments people making on here exactly why people hate coming to this board asking for help.

Norovirus + diabetes + crohns = emergency and hospital time and op could have actually died.

Why does op have to pretend that she's a single parent and push though hospital time is beyond me. Also what the fuck is all the comments about "her children" when they are all dads children and a family.

It's a shame mum couldn't put her child first and her own emotions aside because she's ducked off she's had to cancel her own plans nothing to do with the daughter- and helped her child manage perfectly normal sadness and upset over this as a lesson i it happens / it's not a drama.

But some people live for the drama and usually if they say the " Swan off with the second family" they are that type.

Before anyone @ I am mum in this situation (literally a week ago) and it was fine and no drama. But then my focus is my daughter and her wellbeing - over throwing jabs at my ex just because. And my ex only had Norovirus.

Even if you made the decision you did (which btw I think was the wrong call), at the least you can empathise that she will be very disappointed, rather than dismissing her feelings as not valid / an exaggeration! She's 11 and it was her bday FGS!

There is absolutely no way I’d knowingly send my child to a house with norovirus doing the rounds, I’d have cancelled in her mothers shoes not been angry. She sounds like an idiot.

Not sure what the plans were for her birthday which got cancelled

but at the very least he should have met up with her in the morning and taken out for lunch as her birthday

She should have been given the choice we all go out - her and 2 younger kids as you sick

or for her to come over to see him

Or dad goes out for an hour to see her alone

Obv later in the afternoon one of yours was sick as well but you didn't know that in the morning so he could have taken both our end see eldest

Going forward yes course she wants to spend some alone time with dad but maybe she can come over sat am. All do something together the 5 of you

She needs to know her siblings tho equally sure many 12yr don't went to spend time with a baby and toddler

Then afternoon she does something with just her dad

Completely cancelling everything AND saying that she couldn’t come at all seems really OTT. No wonder she is upset, I imagine that her mum is annoyed after seeing the aftermath of it all which would have no doubt been DSD upset and made to feel unimportant (compared to her dads other children) on her birthday.
Surely a better option would have been to let her know that you (and possibly one of her siblings) are ill and therefore plans have to change and that your DH could have taken her (and the well sibling) whilst you and the other sibling stayed at home? Surely this js what you and your DH would have done if one of your joint children had been ill on the other one’s birthday?

People’s comprehension skills are really lacking.

The op has explained specifically why norovirus is dangerous for her, combined with pre existing health conditions.

It is also clear how few people posting here have actually had norovirus it is not a run of the mill stomach bug, nor understand how wildly contagious it is. Quite frankly it’s incredible the op’s husband and other child didn’t also get it.

Getting norovirus would have made the dsd’s 12th birthday very memorable indeed, “shit myself for my birthday”.

Surely a better option would have been to let her know that you (and possibly one of her siblings) are ill and therefore plans have to change and that your DH could have taken her (and the well sibling) whilst you and the other sibling stayed at home? Surely this js what you and your DH would have done if one of your joint children had been ill on the other one’s birthday?

Well certainly not better for OP and the ill child receiving very compromised care.

If it were my own child and me or my DP had norovirus with other pre-existing medical conditions that makes that even worse, we would postpone just as OP did here.

I think so many people on MN actually don’t think a SM’s children really count as children at all. Especially not if they’re the younger half siblings of an SC.

There are two different issues here.

Not wanting to potentially spread norrovirus between households really isn’t unreasonable,and illness can’t be helped. So from that perspective the outcome was unavoidable.

But perhaps the more concerning thing here is that your DSD ha a separate relationship with her father which doesn’t include you and her siblings. What’s the genuine reason for that?

My DS has a similar issue with his dad, he sees him one-one and has done pretty much since he was fourteen, fr the simple reason that he doesn’t feel welcomed by his dad’s new partner and her DC, and as consequence he has almost no relationship with his siblings on his dad’s side unless his dad brings them along, which he very occasionally does.

you’re clearly not a blended family, and that is something which you should be addressing IMO.

It’s fine for DSD to spend one-one time with her dad, all kids should.

But the point at which they’re spending every weekend together just the two of them, even going away to hotels at the exclusion of her other siblings isn’t something any of you should be aspiring to and which should be addressed.

The risk you run here is that DSD will stop coming altogether in a couple of years, as my DS has, and the relationship with her father will also suffer as a result.

I am quite shocked at the number of posters on here who seem to have no idea how virulent a D&V type bug (ie Norovirus) can be. The incubation period is perhaps up to 48 hours, so OP and a child in the household already have it. Why would any sane person bring a new person (ie DSD) into that environment? If DSD came, caught the bug, took it home to Mum (and any other DC) - that could affect that family for another week.

My younger colleague is thoughtless and selfish but I lost my rag with her when she came into work and said that her DC (Nursery age) had been ill (D&V), the husband had had it and she wasn't feeling good. My DC are young adults now but the horror of the nursery D&V bugs will never leave me. My oldest had about 6 bugs. It gave them great immunity for school but to selfishly not think how it will impact others is too much. I have elderly DP, and my own DC. The last thing I need or want is a bug. OP - you did the right thing not having DSD come over. (I dont know you so I am trusting that it was a genuine bug, not a dont feel well)

Amazing the amount of people who scream for op to have empathy.

And are very clearly unable to read ops post and actually understand the implications for all the children and people involved and seem to be missing the very thing they are blasting op for "not having"

DSD is 12. Understandably she’s upset that her birthday weekend plans had to be cancelled.
I don’t see how else you could have managed the situation. Noro is a vile thing for anyone to have especially with other healthcare concerns that could easily have had dire consequences.
Also it’s highly contagious and surely wouldn’t have been a good idea to transfer this between households.
DSD Mum was probably annoyed she had to cancel plans she’d made - again understandable.
I guess my thought would be how the news was given to DSD by her Dad or her Mum.
also agree with PP who have suggested that whilst 1:1 time is important for your DH and DSD because of the age differences with your DC but there also needs to be some time you all spend together as a family. Sounds like you were just trying to do what you thought was best. Never an easy situation and. I hope that you all manage to get a solution that everyone is happy with and hope you are feeling better soon

Moot point. She's not so. So she doesn't have to act like a single parent.

Please people google the conditions the op has before commenting. They are not run of the mill. This is not a stiff upper lip and soldier on situation.

You did the right thing. You exist too. The world doesn’t revolve around her.

I agree with this ^
It depends on what she’s been told. Some mothers would focus on cancellation some mothers would try to make up for this, not for their ex but for their daughter.
Tbh I would think that you were very considerate trying not to pass the virus to my household, nothing pleasant about having it.

People who are saying he should have met the eldest daughter with the younger children, are you seriously saying he should have left his very unwell wife alone, when she could potentially slip into a coma and worse case scenario die, just so a 12 year old doesn't have hurt feelings???

If he leaves her alone with the youngest two in that condition and she slips into a coma and then both she and the young children are at risk because who is going to look after them whilst he's out.

I genuinely think some posters on here are psychotic and actively enjoy tormenting other women. The cover of 'what about the children' let's them get away with being frankly some of the worst people to walk the planet imo.

Ignorant answer. Trust me, if your teenage child has been in a car accident and is having life saving surgery or is in ICU with perhaps hours to live, neither parent worth their skin will be at at home on the end of the phone pandering to their 'new family'.

This. Bloody hell I am not a step-mother and my DC's was fucking awful but I'd have been grateful and understanding in this scenario. Grateful that my DC didn't go somewhere and catch bloody norovirus and bring it home and understanding that it can be bloody horrible. Yes single parents would have to deal with it but a parent puking and shitting shouldn't have to when there's a fit and healthy parent to step in. It's not great for the sick parent or the children involved.

I expect the DSD is more wound up by the mother's reaction. DSD would obviously be upset and disappointed but this could have been assuaged by the mum explaining all of the above and offering to treat her instead. Aged then she'd have two birthday weekends instead of one! Bonus and no norovirus!

I agree, @Taleas0ldastime, tbh I would be livid if the birthday plans weren’t cancelled as my DD would be likely to catch it from her Dad/siblings.

I completely understand her disappointment though and your DH needs to explain the situation to her and also emphasize that he wanted to protect her from getting ill.

Maybe turn a mirror on your ‘ignorant answer’ claim.

‘Pandering to a new family’ 🙄

Lots of parents can’t both be in the ICU because they have to ensure their other children are ok - even in dire circumstances. Taking it in turns doesn’t mean you love your child less; it means that there are other balls that cannot be dropped too.