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Original poster

Cancelling birthday weekend due to illness - there wasn’t any alternative??!!

191 replies

Sicknessbug · 18/11/2023 11:30

Dsd birthday weekend was last weekend , lots of things planned / booked.
At about 4am on the Saturday morning I woke up really really ill (?noro) so we had to cancel everything as dh needed to look after our 2 dc. I have other conditions which complicate things. On the Saturday afternoon dc1 also became unwell.

We have rescheduled everything we could for next weekend (EOW contact) but dsd now doesn’t want to come and says I ruined her whole birthday and she refuses to come here . Dh explained to her that illness is unavoidable and she needs to accept that sometimes plans have to change. Dsd mum is also furious as she thinks it should have all gone ahead and it’s causing so many issues - dsd is 12 so old enough to understand?

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CwmYoy · 18/11/2023 12:44

ZenNudist · 18/11/2023 12:41

2 things going on here. First it's unacceptable to cancel birthday plans. You were not actually at deaths door and it's silly saying you were. There's lots of us here looked after sick kids whilst being sick ourselves so you can't play that card. Whilst I am sympathetic about both diabetes and crones it sounds like an excuse to say you can't be expected to care for children sick. I think you'd have made a different decision for your own DC. Really harsh of your dh to unilaterally cancel everything like that. He's sent a loud and clear message about his priorities and has damage to undo.

Secondly it's not on that your dsd is siloed off from the rest of the family. All sounds very dysfunctional. That's something that needs to change.

In a thread full of stupid replies this is the current winner. How spiteful.

"It sounds like..." No it doesn't - you just want to put the boot in. It makes you look really unpleasant.

ZenNudist · 18/11/2023 12:45

mummyh2016 · 18/11/2023 12:40

Have any of you posters had norovirus? I had it a couple of weeks ago, sorry for being graphic but it was coming out both ends and I was stuck in the bathroom for hours. There is no way I could've looked after my children (well my eldest (6) I could've got away with but not my toddler). Telling the OP she should've just got on with it and looked after the children is unrealistic depending on what their ages are.
It's a shit situation and a 12 year old isn't going to understand. There's no right answer here.
Can I just say - if the child wasn't a step child and the poster wrote on AIBU saying that her husband took their eldest out for the day leaving her home alone with the two youngest when she had norovirus there would be bloody uproar and calls for her to LTB. Step parents are never treated reasonably on here - it's shit.

Yep been there, done that with a 3yo and a baby on my own whilst dh went to a weekend conference for work.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 18/11/2023 12:46

We’ll bully for you. Just cos you had to do it, doesn’t mean that everyone does

Whattodo112222 · 18/11/2023 12:46

Agree, although the birthday plans were cancelled, your DH at the very least could've given her the option of lunch with him and step siblings..I'm sure you would've coped for 90 minutes.

Not surprised she doesn't want to go. Her birthday has been and gone.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 18/11/2023 12:47

Also I’d be pretty kissed off with dh if I was as ill as @Sicknessbug and he prioritised work over me and young children

Whattodo112222 · 18/11/2023 12:47

The issue is YOU didn't give DSD the option. YOU and your DH just decided for her.

mummyh2016 · 18/11/2023 12:51

@ZenNudist you've done it when you can't get your head out of a toilet, whilst shitting yourself at the same time - and in the couple of minutes break between the bouts happening you can't even lift your head off the floor?
Bollocks did you.
You either had a case of sickness and diarrhoea where every day life is manageable between it happening or you're lying.

TeenLifeMum · 18/11/2023 12:51

Her dad has shown her where his priorities lie.

on my 8th birthday my dad arrived home (uk) at 11.30am having flown through the night from a USA work trip and still made an effort for my birthday. My friends were over and he managed an hour before going to bed feeling ill (turned out he had pneumonia but didn’t know at the time). That hour and knowing how ill he was but he still put me first meant so much to me that at 41 I’m remembering it enough to write it here. At 12 she will remember the birthday her dad prioritised his new family and did nothing. Surely he could have done lunch with all dc and left you sleeping? While that wasn’t the plan it would have shown some effort.

Hiddenvoice · 18/11/2023 12:51

It’s rubbish you were unwell but it’s also fair enough that she was upset. She’s 12, not an adult so yes she’ll understand people get sick but she can also feel disappointed and feel her dad put her half siblings before her on her birthday.

She should have had the opportunity to spend time with her dad and half siblings. If it was her choice to change the day then least she would have had a day in it.

I understand contact is eow but she will feel like her birthday has more than past when they eventually do something. Give her time and let her feelings be understood.
I think your dh should also ask how much time she would like to spend with her siblings as it feels like wow she’s a separate part of the family.

UnremarkableBeasts · 18/11/2023 12:52

Whattodo112222 · 18/11/2023 12:47

The issue is YOU didn't give DSD the option. YOU and your DH just decided for her.

She’s 12. Stuff gets decided for her. That’s how things go.

The problem is that no one, including her, seems to see her as part of the family.

HeathrowQuestion · 18/11/2023 12:54

@ZenNudist how much do you know about crohns and T1D in the context of norovirus? It can be really dangerous, like actually deathly dangerous.

Bivarb · 18/11/2023 12:55

Some posters here are just cruel. It's really not OK to leave your spouse to take care of young babies and toddlers whilst that ill. I get some people have no choice but that doesn't make it OK.

I honestly would consider divorce if my husband left me to take care of our toddler whilst I was doubled over in pain in the toilet, with shite and vomit coming out of me simultaneously (seemingly endlessly). Norovirus is no joke. Very infectious and I wouldn't want to inflict it on vulnerable small children if I could help it.

AllLopsided · 18/11/2023 12:56

But the OP is not a single mum - why should she have to put herself at risk of falling into a coma on her own when she doesn't have to? And would the 12-year-old really have wanted to spend the weekend at your house? When I was 12 there is NO WAY I'd have wanted to spend my birthday (or any day) in a house full of Norovirus watching my stepmum throw up/run for the bathroom. And possibly go home with it myself.

I think you did the right thing!

WrongSwanson · 18/11/2023 12:57

I think a lot of people are showing their ignorance of diabetes/Crohn's/norovirus

And if this happened to my children's step mum then I would have been ensuring my children had sympathy for her and I would do something last minute and fun with them. It's a good chance to teach people that life doesn't always go to plan

AngelAurora · 18/11/2023 12:57

Why could it not go ahead? Is your husband exempt from doing anything?

I think it was very unfair to cancel just because you were poorly. She has a father there who should of stepped up.

honeylulu · 18/11/2023 12:58

I think her Dad should have gone ahead with the plans. They didn't involve you and your children anyway and didn't risk her coming into direct contact with norovirus . Yes it is horrible trying to look after small children when you are ill but most of us have done it surely.

If DSD lived with you, you wouldn't have cancelled her birthday plans, particularly if you weren't needed for them anyway.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 18/11/2023 12:58

WrongSwanson · 18/11/2023 12:57

I think a lot of people are showing their ignorance of diabetes/Crohn's/norovirus

And if this happened to my children's step mum then I would have been ensuring my children had sympathy for her and I would do something last minute and fun with them. It's a good chance to teach people that life doesn't always go to plan

It's not really anything to do with OP though is it. The dad could have taken all of his kids out to do something together but didn't.

AngelAurora · 18/11/2023 13:00

Sicknessbug · 18/11/2023 11:41

A lot of the weekends they go away as well , dsd has always had that 1-1 time

And? It's her father and he should of sorted her Birthday out. Very spiteful indeed

HeathrowQuestion · 18/11/2023 13:00

It’s not a good idea for a person with T1D and noro to be left alone with a sick toddler.

ZenNudist · 18/11/2023 13:01

EnjoyingTheSilence · 18/11/2023 12:47

Also I’d be pretty kissed off with dh if I was as ill as @Sicknessbug and he prioritised work over me and young children

I understood, at the time there was no option. Family business and was expecting other people to give up their weekend would have been unfair on his employees. So I coped.

I reckon a lot of people would also prefer to cope rather than cancel their 12 year old birthday plans. I'm assuming that it's that dad's fault not really on the OP but if she's asking to be told the decision was a good one, it wasn't.

Hey ho we can all make bad decisions in difficult circumstances. I'd see about apologising and mending the rift.

Neolara · 18/11/2023 13:03

Norovirus and T1 diabetes can be very dangerous. My friend ended up in intestive care for a week.

UnremarkableBeasts · 18/11/2023 13:04

They didn't involve you and your children

For the OP and her DH they are their children.

This vicious attitude to SMs and ‘your children’ is really unpleasant.

The husband should have:

  1. done something with all his children.
  2. never have been planning things as if he only has one child anyway.
Blueroses99 · 18/11/2023 13:05

ZenNudist · 18/11/2023 13:01

I understood, at the time there was no option. Family business and was expecting other people to give up their weekend would have been unfair on his employees. So I coped.

I reckon a lot of people would also prefer to cope rather than cancel their 12 year old birthday plans. I'm assuming that it's that dad's fault not really on the OP but if she's asking to be told the decision was a good one, it wasn't.

Hey ho we can all make bad decisions in difficult circumstances. I'd see about apologising and mending the rift.

Show quote history

Would you have done the same if there was a risk of falling into a diabetic coma while in charge of 2 very young children?

My friends 6yo had to call an ambulance for her in similar circumstances, not something a toddler could manage.

AngelAurora · 18/11/2023 13:09

WrongSwanson · 18/11/2023 11:58

I think you are getting a bit of step mum hate on here. It's clear with your medical issues that if no one else could help then the plans needed changing. Plus I wouldn't want mine to go to their step mum if she had norovirus!

But I wonder whether the issue was how the cancellation was communicated?

Oh give over, plenty of other parents would of got on with it, she was not dying, she would have to manage if she was ever on her own without ruining a child's Birthday.

HeathrowQuestion · 18/11/2023 13:11

People, read the OPs’ posts. Actually she was at death’s door, or could have been if she got DKA/ coma. This isn’t your standard illness situation where you put on your hair shirt.