Cancelling birthday weekend due to illness - there wasn’t any alternative??!!

[Sicknessbug]

Dsd birthday weekend was last weekend , lots of things planned / booked.
At about 4am on the Saturday morning I woke up really really ill (?noro) so we had to cancel everything as dh needed to look after our 2 dc. I have other conditions which complicate things. On the Saturday afternoon dc1 also became unwell.

We have rescheduled everything we could for next weekend (EOW contact) but dsd now doesn’t want to come and says I ruined her whole birthday and she refuses to come here . Dh explained to her that illness is unavoidable and she needs to accept that sometimes plans have to change. Dsd mum is also furious as she thinks it should have all gone ahead and it’s causing so many issues - dsd is 12 so old enough to understand?

I think you need to change the weird expectation that EOW should be 1:1 time for DH and DSD.

He’s a father of 3 and he can’t just leave you with full responsibility for 2/3 of his children because his eldest has arrived.

DSD also needs to accept that she’s one of 3 of her father’s children and that contact is about spending time with her father and half siblings. That doesn’t mean there’s never any 1:1 time, of course, but this expectation that this is solely her time with her dad is not the right tone for the situation.

Whether the birthday cancellation was reasonable depends a bit on what it was. if it was just a couple of hours rather than all day, I would probably have stuck the kids in front of a film and powered through til their dad was back.

But, I suspect even this would have been unacceptable to DH, DSD and her mother because they’ve set up this expectation that contact is all special daddy and daughter time, and her half siblings shouldn’t be part of it.

Did step daughter at least get the choice of a couple of hours doing a different activity with dad while maybe meant bringing little siblings?

She could well have said no but if it was the original plan straight to nothing and not even seeing dad, I get why she was annoyed.

It sounds like you cancelled the whole weekend- stay home with your mother
When you could have cancelled the birthday plans- come down to us and you'll do something with your father and the little ones, not the original cool plans, but something regardless.
You were very unreasonable and unkind.

I think you are getting a bit of step mum hate on here. It's clear with your medical issues that if no one else could help then the plans needed changing. Plus I wouldn't want mine to go to their step mum if she had norovirus!

But I wonder whether the issue was how the cancellation was communicated?

You couldn’t manage two children whilst you were ill if you absolutely HAD too? This is coming from a single parent who has a 19 month old and a 2.6 year old

There is a middle ground between ditching you while sick with two children for the whole day and cancelling 100% of his daughters birthday plans. Why the hell didn't he make any effort for her?

He could have gone over and seen her, taken her birthday gift, gone for a quick bite to eat, and still been home to do 90% of things needed for you and your joint DC.

I can completely see why she is so upset, he didn't do enough. Additionally, in todays society, anything and everything can be done last minute, he could have sent her a random silly gift-balloons, flowers, chocolate hamper, anything really so she knew she was still important to him. Instead he just cancelled.

Sorry I should have clarified - her mum came and collected all her gifts so she did have them on the actual day

Couldn’t you have managed with the little ones by yourself for a couple of hours whilst he took her out? Tv on, sofa and sick bowl, no need for you to leave the sofa and then she would have still had a birthday trip out?

Why on earth didn’t your husband just take all his children out for a birthday lunch or something?

Try and think back to being 12. How much birthdays meant. How exciting they were and how much the plans mattered. She’s been looking forward to this weekend and planning it out in her head for weeks.
It’s completely understandable that she’s very hurt and angry. Her father just dumped her. Her response may not be fair or reasonable in an adults eyes but it’s understandable.
Its also understandable that her mum is a bit pissed off. She is having to pick up the pieces of a ruined birthday. Neither of them will forget this in a hurry I’m afraid.
I don’t know whether there could have been a bit better of a a work around. It doesn’t seem to have been handled well that’s for sure.
It sounds like your family could do with trying to build up a bit better support network. So neither of you have any friends or colleagues to call on in emergencies?

I think its shit he didn't do anything with her, not even lunch or to visit rather than the prebooked plans. As PP says this is honestly relationship damaging territories.

OP how would you have coped if you were a single parent?

I agree with the PPs...it was a shitty thing to do. I doubt it was done out of unkindness or spite,but it sounds a little bit pathetic tbh.

I'm really sorry you were so unwell,but if you genuinely never have any back up,how do you manage day to day?With your illnesses? What if your DH had to be at work,would you have managed then?

I see the usual step mother bashers are out in force as they always are.

Nothing you could do, OP. Ignore the foolish suggestions, some first wives hate stepmothers and become irrational.

I'm going to disagree with everyone else. Colds etc I agree, you'd just muddle on. But norovirus is awful, even without the OP's other health issues. I'd have wanted to keep away from my DC to try to avoid them catching it. Also would not have wanted to send the DC out with DSD in case they were already harbouring it (they were, and DH could have been too). I think you do have to cancel plans if you have norovirus in the house.

We once visited my dad and stepmum (long planned visit, long distance) a few days after I had norovirus. Thought we were clear but when we got there DD came down with it. We all got it one after another, and poor dad and stepmum were really ill. Wished we'd stayed home and kept it to ourselves!

I can completely see why she’s hurting. I’d be disappointed if my entire birthday weekend had to be cancelled with hours notice at age 35! I have the emotional maturity to deal with it though, a 12 year old doesn’t. I think you need to give the poor kid a break. What’s done is done and if you genuinely have no other support it sounds like cancelling was the only option. But she’s allowed to be really hurt about it.

I don't understand why he couldn't just have rearranged to do something with all 3 children. Fair enough cancelling the 1:1 activity but he could have taken all 3 somewhere in the morning/lunch.

I actually think this is the end result of everyone pandering to her and allowing contact to be 1-1 with dad only. She’s a kid and presumably a teenager of course if asked she’s going to choose being spoiled and only have her dad to herself it shouldn’t have been her choice no DD you have two siblings now we also need to include them … Now when there was a moment that meant that dad could have taken all three kids he didn’t and she needed now feels unloved.

Would shr and her mum prefer she got ill from the bug you had? It’s disappointing but sounds unavoidable, let her have her tantrum about it

But that would have been unfair on her as the baby cries a lot and our toddler is really demanding (possible SEN) so it would have been overshadowed by that I think

Having seen some of the messages dh had said to his ex when she lost her temper that was she prepared to come and help ? Because we always have on inset days etc if she has been working and she said no she had plans and was annoyed at having to cancel those too !

This idea of a whole weekend of specially planned 1:1 activities as a reasonable expectation for a child whose father has 3 children is ridiculous really.

He should have at least given her the option of that, rather than just having her entire time with her Dad cancelled.

To her, her Dad basically cancelled her birthday to be with her siblings and didn't even give her the option to join them

But not unfair to cancel her birthday plans? I think you are trying to justify it to yourself which is fair enough but you are still not seeing it through her eyes.

She really doesn’t like that she has always wanted 1-1 time with her dad and dh wants times with her he had to fight to get the contact he has and this is the only cancellation in 8 yrs (and 4 months to be precise !)