Cancelling birthday weekend due to illness - there wasn’t any alternative??!!

[Sicknessbug]

Dsd birthday weekend was last weekend , lots of things planned / booked.
At about 4am on the Saturday morning I woke up really really ill (?noro) so we had to cancel everything as dh needed to look after our 2 dc. I have other conditions which complicate things. On the Saturday afternoon dc1 also became unwell.

We have rescheduled everything we could for next weekend (EOW contact) but dsd now doesn’t want to come and says I ruined her whole birthday and she refuses to come here . Dh explained to her that illness is unavoidable and she needs to accept that sometimes plans have to change. Dsd mum is also furious as she thinks it should have all gone ahead and it’s causing so many issues - dsd is 12 so old enough to understand?

Could someone else have looked after your children?

I think tbh it's too late now but it would have been better to blend the family rather than have Dad switching between the two all the time.

massive over reaction

someone with norovkrus can still look after young kids

single parents do it all the time - i think k you were incredibly mean and entitled

you could have made that work 100%

My daughter has a stepmother who also has children of her own. I would much her dad to cancel contact, even if it was my daughters birthday rather than expose her to norovirus. I also say this as a single parent who has had to look after young children alone while ill.

RTFT, she has other medical conditions.

And I wouldn't have done it even without them - they could more easily have 100% made postponing work.

Shocking thread.

OP you and DH were quite right to cancel - he needed to watch you because of very serious health conditions. You were both quite right to protect DSD and her other household from norovirus if there is another option. It's not a joke and one the worst bugs we've all ever ever had. And back up childcare? Most people I know would run a mile and fair enough.

Unfortunately maybe the main impact is her mum (or her dad on the phone) not helping her manage any disappointment or expectations. I'm not buying other posters saying she is not emotionally mature enough to handle it. 12 year old girls are not babies. They can benefit from solid guidance from both their parents - sounds lacking here.

Agree the way forward is to work out how best to integrate her more into your family. It sounds like you have almost no relationship with her either? You'll need to do it slowly though.

Sounds really tough for you all round. I hope you're feeling better.

Absolutely agree with this DH has type 1 diabetes got a sickness bug followed by DKA and in intensive care all within 24 hours. You cannot muddle through and cope. It's hell and OP I'm glad you didn't have to be admitted things could have been very different!

People either can’t read or don’t realise the seriousness of having norovirus alongside chrohn’s and diabetes. You absolutely needed another adult with you and could not be on your own with the kids. You could have needed urgent support at any time.

I agree with comments about more generally integrating your dsd with your family but otherwise you did nothing wrong here. It was just a difficult situation. People just give stepmums a hard time on mumsnet.

Well she's not is she? What's the relevance?

^^ this

I get the feeling that the problem here has been caused by DSD's parents, whether that was in the way the cancellation was communicated to her by her Dad or her Mum's reaction to having to cancel her own plans.

Totally agree.

I think there is so much ignorance around the seriousness of conditions like crohns and diabetes

@Sicknessbug you need to change the way contact works so it's nit reliant on some many things. People get unwell. I agree it could have been handled better.

But I have the same illness combo as you (with a bag) and did it as a single parent. I would not wish that on anyone. You have my utmost sympathies. I had very few childcare options and took stupid risks with my health and being able to be admitted to hospital. Stay safe and rest up. You must feel terrible.

It will all be resolved. Just be patient. Maybe suggest a family day out when your all better.

@WrongSwanson agreed. Such ignorance....

Totally agree.

My children have been able to cope with the fluctuating nature of my health since they were little.

It's raising your children to be understanding, empathetic and adaptable that is key.

I don't think what happened was unreasonable - it sounds like DH really did have to look after the younger kids, and I imagine DSD mum probably would not want her to have norovirus if she could avoid it! However, that doesn't mean DSD can't feel sad/disappointed.

I do think the rest of it is quite odd, though. It is really strange to me to spend all of the contact as dh and dsd as she finds the younger ones irritating. Seems to be that having siblings means putting up with them and learning to live with them! I assume he isn't taking regular 1 on 1 trips and days out with the other two children? It seems quite unbalanced. Does that work for you?

@Dahlia444 I agree with you that the main problem is that DH and DSDs mum haven't supported DSD to understand the situation and deal with disappointment.

Urmmmmmmm 100 percent cancel. You don't want to be spreading it to DSD and her mother
Yes it's shit for DSD but her mother needs to think logically that it made sense to change the weekend.
At 12 you understand that you can't have everything your way and learning a bit of empathy is not a bad thing

OP there is nothing you could have done. Sounds like you were really ill. Yes it is disappointing but sometimes it happens. It sounds like she is jealous of the younger ones and unfortunately she has to learn to share her dad. It is separating the siblings and does not give them a chance to build a relationship.
It's a shame it happened but what else could you have done??

Would DSD's mother's reaction have been the same if you had said 'we all have norovirus but DSD is still very welcome!' I think you might have been scapegoated a bit here.

the dh taking the dsd out alone is actually a good thing

dsd doesn’t need to be forced to be integrated

of course time with siblings in important but
if she wants to see her dad alone in the limited time she has i think that’s perfectly fine

those two young kids get their dad all the time without her there.

she is entitled to the same time alone with her dad, time to be his only focus

it may change as they get older but toddlers and young kids can be hard work and would distract her dad during her time. I absolutely wouldn’t change that.

This is terrible advice.

All children should have some 1:1 time with their parents. But this treating DSD like an only child and contact as special daddy daughter trips and activities is not good for anyone.

The two young children do not get their dad all the time. They have a part time dad and even worse, a part time dad who clearly signals that his other child is all that matters every second weekend.

This idea that younger children in a second family should simply be grateful that their dad shares an address with them is a really nasty aspect of societal attitudes to stepfamilies. This father has 3 children and the eldest needs to adapt to the fact she has younger siblings.

If divorced fathers want to devote every second weekend to spending 1:1 time with a child from their failed marriage, then they should not have any more children.

If they choose to have a new relationship and more children, then they need to help their older child to accept they have younger siblings now.

Oh please! Stop making excuses.

Exactly this!! We don’t mix households in times of sickness , literally no-one needs it!

Yes, it’s a shame, but these things happens and she can have her treat another day.

Oh please. Stop being so unpleasant.