Step children not cleaning their room.

[TheFoz]

I wrote a big long thread and it disappeared so I’ll keep this brief.

DH is gone away for a couple of weeks, his young teens are still coming here on their scheduled time with him. Last week I asked them to clean their room, they did a basic clean. I asked them to clean it properly, they refused. I withheld their games console.

How should I proceed with this when they return next week? Their room is disgusting, DH knows this and doesn’t seem to be bothered, he’s lazy about cleaning himself.

I really don’t want to be the wicked stepmother but their room is full of discarded food, wrappers, bowls, cutlery etc. It’s only a matter of time before there is a furry friend in there.

If it’s their room l’d keep the door closed and leave them to it, although I would insist on plates etc coming down so I could put the dishwasher on.
You asked them to clean, they did. It wasn’t good enough for you. Young teens are never going to clean your your own standards.

You say your DH is lazy about cleaning himself?

I assume he still does it though and can do their rooms when he returns.

If not, it seems wrong to hold the DC to a higher standard than the example that their father (an adult) provides them with…

What if you offer a treat or pocket money for cleaning and other chores? This always worked with us.

Why are you having them when he isn’t here?! That really isn’t necessary unless you actively want to.

A basic clean presumably means they removed the food and rubbish and picked up stuff? I’d be satisfied with that for now, and discuss with your DP when he gets back. You will have to compromise.

Withholding their games console was a bit of a dick move if they did the basics, and will not have endeared them to you.

Their father is lazy, do you take away his games console equivalent?

No point being the wicked stepmother while he is away.
When he comes back, set the ground rules with him and his children.
No eating in bedrooms.
Dirty laundry in laundry basket.
Bed to be made
etc...
Choose a day and time for a big clear out of their room's).

Tell them about mice- it’s the only thing that ever works here- I just say you know a mouse will come in if you leave food and wrapped about. What do you mean by basic vs proper clean though- just asking because my dsis and best friend are champion cleaners and they probably wouldn’t see my cleaning as anything close to that and in the same way I wouldn’t expect my kids to have the place Spock and span, just clean enough (although this is rare!!)

Go into the room.

Take all food/wrappers/litter/bowls/cutlery etc. Clean it or bin it.

Vacuum and clean the room so that it is pristine. Put everything away as best you can.

When they return:

Let them have their games console
Ban eating/drinking in bedrooms unless it's a water bottle

Try not to get into any more conflict. It isn't worth it.

My teens are older.

I agree on banning all food and drinks in rooms. It’s gross and will never end well.

The rooms need to be hygienic and I’d expect your DH to ensure that, either via the children or himself.

Also not sure why they are there if their dad isn’t, especially as teens. Is it court ordered?

Just shut the door on it. Not your problem, make it DH’s. Sometimes you just have to leave it be.

I should have clarified what a basic clean was. They lifted clothes off the floor, made their beds, brought down dirty laundry and mopped their en suite.

Their drawers are full of food remains, food wrappers and containers. Food is banned, they still continue to do it if we aren’t in the kitchen.

They hid two bowls in amongst the clothes in their walk in wardrobe.

I will not be cleaning their room.

Access is court ordered.

See I kinda agree with this, but my concern is rodents. Particularly at this time of year.

They have also refused to use their en suite because it’s disgusting’. I have explained that it is their responsibility to keep it clean.

Agree with everyone. No food or drinks. Everyone I know who allows it, moans about it. And one has mice now.

And your DH can clean when he's back.

If access is Court ordered, why is he going away? I assume he fought for it.

Ime bag it up and tip it into dh's car when he gets back .... Let him sort it out.

I allowed it and shut the door on their rooms between the ages of 12-18. Deal was they did their own beds, washing and did the deeper clean if a friend came round. I agreed never to go in. Occasionally, had an amnesty when there were no forks or towels left. But they eventually self regulate and get sorted.

Yes he fought for it. He occasionally has to travel for work, unfortunately this is a longer period than normal. He usually tried to arrange it on the week they are with their mum.

Yeah I wouldn't allow food upstairs. Our kids have never been allowed to eat in their rooms.

And if access is court ordered does that mean you have to have them when he's not there? You're not their parent.

Having them here isn’t my choice.

I don’t believe there’s anything in the court order about it but there was something in a parenting plan (which was never signed) about each parent having the option to nominate a person for them to stay with if the parent who was due to have them wasn’t available.

So did he consult you about being nominated?

Honestly, I wouldn't be put in that position. If my husband's not around for whatever reason, his son doesn't come.

It’s more so that he informs his ex that such a person will be keeping the boys as he will be away.

Sometimes it happens that he goes away to take part in a sport during the week that he has them and I’m expected to parent them. Am I being a mug to do this?

So your husband fought for his DC to be with him, but he is not able to look after them consistently when they are there - and expects you to look after them when actually they could be with their mother (who has been dragged through the courts so he can have this time he is leaving you to facilitate). What an idiot.

In addition, DH is lazy when it comes to cleaning and neither expects his DC to clean nor cleans their rooms himself.

I would give them bin bags, tell them to clean out every last bit of rubbish, then ask them to Hoover and clean properly, and if you are feeling kind, offer some kind of treat when it is done.

But more generally, after that, I would be telling him you won’t be facilitating his contact time or parenting in his absence. He needs to step up.

Why the heck do men drag the mothers of their children through courts only to hand the parenting to some other woman? Honestly, the number of times you read something like this on here.

Because it us about them, and not the children.

OP

• Yes you are being a mug. Refuse to have them.

• Completely with you re the rooms needing cleaning especially the food and other grime. Withhold the console etc till done.

• tough for them re their ensuite(s). Put a lock on the bathroom they'd otherwise use. This way they'll have to use their ensuite(s) that they're refusing to clean. This is the only way it'll work, when they experience consequences for their actions.

We're looking for a more complicated reason than, 'to reduce CM and give them the option of Disney parenting when they please'?

Too many women audition to be a skivvy when they are dating men. Especially men with children.