Really struggling with partners children, feel awful about it

[SadSausage44]

This is a total whinge as I'm struggling after a full on half term week with my partners kids..... I have had a heart to heart with dp about all the below and he's now concerned our set up isn't going to work for me and tbh so am I.......

A bit of background.....My dp and I have been together for nearly 2 years, living together for one. Both divorced.

I moved into his place and we split everything bills etc 50/50. His children are 10 (girl) and 11 (boy). Boy has mild adhd. The children stay Fri to Monday every other week and have dinner one or two nights a week with us. They also stay alternate school holidays and half of Xmas and summer hols. I have an adult child. Dp and his exw have been divorced for years and Co parent well, all be it via WhatsApp.

I am posting on here for some help or advice please from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

I'm really struggling with when the children come to stay and I feel terrible about it and it's really starting to affect my relationship.

I don't really feel a huge connection with dps chil, I really like them a lot and feel I'm slowly getting to know them, however without that unconditional love and deep bond you have with your own children, I'm struggling to cope with them tbh.

Their fussiness when it comes to food is driving me crazy, when I met their dad they wouldn't eat fruit or vegetables... we have gradually and after lots of tantrums, gagging and tears, introduced fruit and veg to their diet, however they generally only get fed beige food at their mothers so refuse pretty much anything I or their dad cook apart from bland food. When my daughter was growing up she generally ate the same meals as the adults, but my partners children..... no...... the last week we've been doing two different meals every night as the children won't eat what we eat (healthy, mainly veggie, home made, nutritious food).

The boy has the WORST table manners I have ever witnessed in an 11 year old. He won't eat foods of certain textures... I understand this is connected to his adhd but he still often eats with his fingers, wipes his fingers on his clothes and eats very noisily with his mouth open, so we can see and hear everything.... I have spoken to dp about this and he does try to pull his son up about it but his son just refuses and says he doesn't know how to eat with his mouth closed and I honestly can't eat my dinner near him anymore as it's driving me crazy.

They throw their pj's on the living room floor when they get dressed for school and don't pick them up. Don't make their beds, their dad generally says yes to everything they ask for or want to do....

I'm starting to feel like the disciplinarian in our house. Teaching them to put their knives and forks together at the end of a meal. Turn lights off in their rooms when they're not in them. Putting plates by the sink when they've finished eating.... all the stuff they surely should have been taught by their parents?

I love my dp but I'm concerned that the kids see our house as the fun place when they're with us.

Dps son is obsessed with gaming and will spend hours on the laptop shouting at the screen, I've put my foot down now when he's in our communal living space that he has to go to his room to do it but I feel so mean ... the girl will also sit in the living room with utter shite on tv for hours and I'm constantly asking her to turn it down....

I feel bad as they have no friends around where we live, their mothers house and school is half an hour away. I've suggested some clubs at the weekends and holidays to help them make friends around us, to no avail.

I dont feel I can just relax in what is now my house as well..... when the kids are there I just feel overwhelmed by noise and mess and sometimesjust go to our bedroom for a bit of time out.

I hate seeing my dp being a bit of a Disney dad. He feels he doesn't see them as much as he'd like so struggles with telling them off or enforcing rules when they're with him.

I'm freaking out it's going to get worse as they become teenagers and all that brings with it.

I'm annoyed that I feel I'm picking up the slack for a bit of lazy parenting.

I've tried to disengage but that means not being around when the kids are there.... has anyone else successfully done this, has your relationship with your dp worked if so?

I adore him and don't want to lose what we have.

Am I being a wicked step parent? I'm starting to dread them coming to stay, my whole life and our house gets turned upside down every other weekend and I'm not coping.

Perimenopause thrown into the mix is not great. I was crying my eyes out after they left after half term with the sheer enormity of dealing with someone else's children for a week.

Thanks for reading.

I used to retreat to our bedroom for a break all the time! Nothing wrong with that. Or go out and do whatever you want - shopping meet a friend. Don't let your life revolve around his kids. If you really can't stand the table manners then excuse yourself and eat elsewhere.

The two different meals - absolutely fine if your partner does the cooking. My husband and I used to make sure he did the food shopping and cooking when he had the kids in the early days. That made the 50/50 financial split seem fairer as they do eat a lot of snacks and stuff.

I’d be the same which is why I would never be a step parent or share space with someone else’s children. No advice as they won’t change nor will your feelings. I think maybe live apart, as this isn’t good for your mental health.

Just admit already that it's not working and it's never going to work. Why you signed up for this in the first place is beyond me. You are past the stage in your life where you are able to cope with young kids. That ship has sailed.

The kids are 100% going to pick up on your animosity and resentment of them, so for their sake and yours, end the relationship now and wish them all well.

That is not a life I would want. Honestly, why would anyone want to live with them? I wouldn't respect my partner as a father and I would get the hell out of there.

The children aren't the problem here it's your DP, and until he steps up and starts parenting properly you're always going to feel that way.

Your options are:

Leave.

Stay with things the way they are and gradually build up more resentment until you leave.

Leave all cooking, picking up after and disciplining to your DP. Eat elsewhere. Retreat to you room or go out when they're getting too much. Instruct DP to pick up anything the drop. Stop caring about them eating vegetables or making their beds it doesn't directly affect you.

Explain to you DP why you're choosing to take a step back. Maybe then he'll consider parenting properly. Maybe he won't. But either way you don't have to constantly look at the contents of SSs mouth while you eat.

My DSD has vastly different rules in her mum's house but seems to have adapted well to our house rules. Both DH and I are on the same page though and my DH is anything but a Disney dad.

I think it’s harder as your kid is grow. Up ( and you only had one) i hate it when his kids are here , the house doesn’t feel like mine and I feel they are intrusive and selfish ( and the majority of this house in mine along with everything in it!) they spray loads of horrible body spray everywhere and it smells like a a strangers home ( or nasty brothel tbh!) so I have to spends loads of time cleaning and airing etc when they leave! I have kids too though, so we do some stuff altogether , but also do our own things.

I would just start doing other things when they are there, let them crack on and you go out etc. don’t have them for a full week at half term - it’s too much. You don’t need to parent or cook or anything. They aren’t your kids.

I wouldn’t ever stop going on about the table manners etc as that’s just basic stuff. The fussy eating is also a problem here but mine aren’t much better - but at least I know my kids each fruit and veg which his kids never do at their mums!

I’ve decided to take a long range outlook. I love my husband. It’s going to be like 4/5 years before none of the kids are interested ( only 2 for his eldest) and want to do their own thing. So I am just keeping cool, letting it play out, leaving the small stuff ( but picking up the important stuff) and remembering that one day we will retire to the beach and it will all be worth it.

Thanks all, really appreciate your responses. I have to go out now so no time to respond but will reply later.

It’s fine to admit you made a poor choice in boyfriend, and move on. Such a shit dad should repulse you. It’s not your place to be doing any parenting of his kids, they’re there (4 days a month?) to see their father. He is to pick up after them, cook, clean and parent.
Did you give up a house of your own to move in with this bloke?

This is difficult. A good friend is in a similar position with a pair of slightly younger step children. She is hanging in there, but has had some awful times. I have met the children. One is a demon in a junior body and the other is sweet but has issues. Then there are some games between the former partners that just make things worse. They need to grow up. I could not cope with the situation.

What she has done is step back 50%. That means they are his kids and he is responsible for them, with her in support, in the background or temporarily out of the picture. She occasionally takes number 2 out while Dad focuses on number 1. Other than that she goes out on her own and sometimes goes away for the night, often seeing an older relative who appreciates the support. In a nutshell she is halving what she had been doing, with the result that there is half the frustration. There still seems to be a lot though.

Edit: corrected spelling error.

You’ve mentioned all the issues within the house itself, do you and DP take the kids out? Do you have any fun on days our for example?

I would say a small proportion of the things you are being a bit fussy over. I am 35 and I don’t make my bed or put my knife and fork together on my plate when i’m done. These things don’t matter.

At the end of the day, regardless of how justified you are, if the kids pick up on your resentment towards them, it’s time to end the relationship. Being a kid and having a step parent you don’t get on with or who clearly doesn’t love you is also crap.

Unless you can resolve your different parenting styles with your partner, i’d say it may be best to move out again.

Can you go back to living separately?

They sound like typical dc tbh. What I would say is my dh accepted all my dc's flaws..... One day 1ds text wanting to live full time with us. It was actually dh who got in his car and told me (at work) he was going to collect him and all his stuff. Not even a conversation needed... One day you could be in that position.. If it fills you with horror thinking about it you need to end things now.

These things often feel like SC problems but, as others have pointed out, it’s a DP problem. As it so often is.

He chooses to be a Disney dad and not give his children structure and boundaries. And he chooses to leave all the work to you. He could make better choices and would make them if he cared more about you (and less about what’s easiest and most convenient to him).

Even in the discussion you’ve had with him, he’s positioned you as the problem for objecting and taken absolutely no responsibility for how his parenting choices are negatively affecting you.

Given that, moving out and finding someone who respects you and cares about how you feel may well be the best thing to do. Leave him to deal with the fruits of his own (lack of) parenting efforts.

My ND kids are fussy eaters who eat with their hands and wipe their hands all over their clothes/the dining chair. You have no idea the battles I’ve fought - and lost - over improving their diets and table manners. They don’t care. I’ve been nagging my eldest for a decade.

That aside, it sounds like it’s never going to work out for you.

I couldn’t tolerate that either but his children, for him, come first. Is moving to a flat and seeing each other when the children aren’t there possible?

You have a DP problem, not a DSC problem.

So you're paying half the bills, including for two children who are with you more than half the time? You're also, reading between the lines, doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry? So you get to do all the boring shitty bits of parenting but you're not able to have any say on table manners, behaviour etc.

And yes, half an hour isn't great, but I think it's pretty unacceptable that while the DC are with you he can't be bothered to organise playdates/arrangements for the DC nearer to home not least as I assume he's having to drive them to school anyway - a play date with a friend from school now and again - I'm sure the parents would be willing to collect or you could take them back or collect on a Friday after school and have them sleepover. Similarly, do the children not have any after school activities that still need to be honoured while they're at your house?

Yeah, I'd be out of there myself. Perhaps move back out, maintain your relationship but agree it's better to live apart while his children are still young and he needs to be actively parenting. I'd recommend he move closer to his children too.

Disengage.

My DH has three. At times it was horrendous. You have children in your home who have been brought up differently to how you’d have done it and more often than not, by a Disney Dad. I really struggled with my boundaries being ghetto stomped and the attitudes, with my DH remaining silent. (For example going to make a coffee in the morning and coming back up to my bedroom to find the 13yr old in my side of the bed, refusing to move etc) Add in hostility and manipulation from their mother, I was just about done.

I sat my DH down and presented my non negotiable boundaries - these were things such as my bedroom was a knock first policy, ask before just taking my things, me no longer being solely responsible for the cooking etc.

Just because they are step children, it doesn’t mean they get to rule the roost and have everything revolve around them with no consequences or boundaries. It’s your home too and there are certain behaviours that you wouldn’t tolerate from your own children.

I would remain polite and civil to the children, but ensured that I wasn’t there all the time or felt empowered enough to say no to things. I did a 70/30 split in terms of how much I’d be there. I had a busy job, hobbies, studying a new course and friend dates, so there were always reasonable excuses to not be around, so it wasn’t blazingly obvious to the kids that I was disengaged. When I did spend time with them, it was the fun things. Like cinema trips, themed film nights etc. It meant I avoided getting dragged into any parenting roles and could spend the time I did with them doing fun things.

Its important that they spent/spend time with their Dad one on one anyway, without the step parent/partner being there all the time. As emotionally stable as a kid can be, you are still an unwanted variable initially.

It got worse before it got better, but we’re now in a position where there is no resentment and our relationship (mine and the kids) is robust enough to ignore the hostility from their mother. I enjoy spending time with them and there is genuine affection from each side now. But I had to withdraw at that one point to save my relationship and my mental well-being.

Your DP needs to consider your feelings too, if he wants your relationship to work. Yes his kids are his priority and their needs are important, but so are yours. Trying to blend families doesn’t work at all if there is no compromise. Nobody really asks to be or knows how the step family situation will be, even with the best intentions.

You need to be willing to protect your own mental wellbeing and stick to your boundaries to keep your sanity and relationship intact. Disengaging doesn’t mean you don’t care about the kids, you do! Otherwise you’d just end the relationship and skip off into the distance. But you can’t build a relationship with the children if you’re mentally burnt out and frustrated.

Start by removing yourself from the equation one of the nights they’re there. You could even just take yourself to the cinema or to the gym. It’s you time and self care, but also gives your DP and kids space to spend time together and gives you some breathing space too.

You’ve also got to just breathe and let some things go. That’s definitely the hardest, but things like open mouthed eating, you’ve raised with your DP - it’s on him to deal with that. In the grand scheme of things, that’s not your problem. It’s gross, but it’s not really going to impact you. Let it go and pick your battles.

Hope things get better for you x

Just quickly, before I go out to see my very sick father, to the people who are asking why I got myself in this situation (not helpful btw!). I fell in love with their father and didn't meet the children until I was head over heels for him, I didn't know about any of the issues I would have, how could I?

It breaks my heart to think leaving him is the answer.

I am nothing but kind to the children, there is no animosity, and any resentment is towards their parents (dp included) who haven't instilled what I consider important manners and life skills in them.

Responses to my op please from people who've been in my situation, thanks.

Been in my situation or had similar experience... please not just wtf are you thinking, leave him!!

You’ve fallen into the classic trap of caring more about them than their father does. For a decade he didn’t care about vegetables, table manners, basic house training.

You’re pushing water up hill by trying to instil any of it now, it’s too late, they’re not at yours often enough, he doesn’t really care and wants to be beige food too much gaming fun time dad.

Why even bother fighting tantrums and gagging? It’s not your job. You know if you split tomorrow he’d revert to form. That’s who he is.

I’m a step mum, had my own years after becoming a step mum so completely different set up. If my husband parented like your DP I’d have no respect for him at all. Without respect I couldn’t find him attractive or love him.

You can try to detach completely, let him do his thing, go out a lot, tell him to clear up after them and stop trying to get them involved. But your house will be a tip, you’ll be biting your tongue constantly. You’re already stressed and upset.

I’d give up and find someone without kids.

That’s the downside to meeting the kids too late.

I've had two sets of step kids, first time I was like you and tried to get involved in table manners, food choices, basically 'parenting'. I look back at myself with horror, who did I think I was?!

Second time round I just let it go about those kind of things. Just detach. I love my DS, but I've never tried to parent him or get involved in how he is parented. That's his dad's job. If you can't be around it then make sure you have space to make yourself scarce. That's hard when they're taking up your relaxing space but otherwise you're just constantly losing a battle and feeling uncomfortable and unhappy. I would lay some ground rules for DH about either he makes them keep it tidy (which he won't) or he tidies up after them (which is something you can actually make him do). Basically find some ways to be comfortable and let them just get on with it around you.

Knife and fork together at the end of a meal sounds pretty over the top tbh. Bet the children and dp feel like they cant do anything right if they are being pulled up on minor issues. Pick your battles or alternatively just leave your dp to deal with all things child related - he can make the separate meals, pick up after them etc.

Just to say I am not a step mum,but understand where you are coming from.You love your DH so obviously dont want to leave him! This seems like a quick answer here TBH! As PP said why not just take time for a coffee or lunch with a friend when they are here . Also I agree a week is a long time .Maybe a few days would be better .DH just wants to have fun with them when he sees them .He isnt a bad man just wants to indulge them!

I couldn't stand that either OP which is why I'd never date anyone with kids.
Discipline is always a problem because each parent wants to be the favourite one whatever they say.
Chuck perimenopause in the mix and you are on a hiding to nothing.
The only thing I can suggest is to live separately and not go there when the kids are with their father.