Really struggling with partners children, feel awful about it

[SadSausage44]

This is a total whinge as I'm struggling after a full on half term week with my partners kids..... I have had a heart to heart with dp about all the below and he's now concerned our set up isn't going to work for me and tbh so am I.......

A bit of background.....My dp and I have been together for nearly 2 years, living together for one. Both divorced.

I moved into his place and we split everything bills etc 50/50. His children are 10 (girl) and 11 (boy). Boy has mild adhd. The children stay Fri to Monday every other week and have dinner one or two nights a week with us. They also stay alternate school holidays and half of Xmas and summer hols. I have an adult child. Dp and his exw have been divorced for years and Co parent well, all be it via WhatsApp.

I am posting on here for some help or advice please from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

I'm really struggling with when the children come to stay and I feel terrible about it and it's really starting to affect my relationship.

I don't really feel a huge connection with dps chil, I really like them a lot and feel I'm slowly getting to know them, however without that unconditional love and deep bond you have with your own children, I'm struggling to cope with them tbh.

Their fussiness when it comes to food is driving me crazy, when I met their dad they wouldn't eat fruit or vegetables... we have gradually and after lots of tantrums, gagging and tears, introduced fruit and veg to their diet, however they generally only get fed beige food at their mothers so refuse pretty much anything I or their dad cook apart from bland food. When my daughter was growing up she generally ate the same meals as the adults, but my partners children..... no...... the last week we've been doing two different meals every night as the children won't eat what we eat (healthy, mainly veggie, home made, nutritious food).

The boy has the WORST table manners I have ever witnessed in an 11 year old. He won't eat foods of certain textures... I understand this is connected to his adhd but he still often eats with his fingers, wipes his fingers on his clothes and eats very noisily with his mouth open, so we can see and hear everything.... I have spoken to dp about this and he does try to pull his son up about it but his son just refuses and says he doesn't know how to eat with his mouth closed and I honestly can't eat my dinner near him anymore as it's driving me crazy.

They throw their pj's on the living room floor when they get dressed for school and don't pick them up. Don't make their beds, their dad generally says yes to everything they ask for or want to do....

I'm starting to feel like the disciplinarian in our house. Teaching them to put their knives and forks together at the end of a meal. Turn lights off in their rooms when they're not in them. Putting plates by the sink when they've finished eating.... all the stuff they surely should have been taught by their parents?

I love my dp but I'm concerned that the kids see our house as the fun place when they're with us.

Dps son is obsessed with gaming and will spend hours on the laptop shouting at the screen, I've put my foot down now when he's in our communal living space that he has to go to his room to do it but I feel so mean ... the girl will also sit in the living room with utter shite on tv for hours and I'm constantly asking her to turn it down....

I feel bad as they have no friends around where we live, their mothers house and school is half an hour away. I've suggested some clubs at the weekends and holidays to help them make friends around us, to no avail.

I dont feel I can just relax in what is now my house as well..... when the kids are there I just feel overwhelmed by noise and mess and sometimesjust go to our bedroom for a bit of time out.

I hate seeing my dp being a bit of a Disney dad. He feels he doesn't see them as much as he'd like so struggles with telling them off or enforcing rules when they're with him.

I'm freaking out it's going to get worse as they become teenagers and all that brings with it.

I'm annoyed that I feel I'm picking up the slack for a bit of lazy parenting.

I've tried to disengage but that means not being around when the kids are there.... has anyone else successfully done this, has your relationship with your dp worked if so?

I adore him and don't want to lose what we have.

Am I being a wicked step parent? I'm starting to dread them coming to stay, my whole life and our house gets turned upside down every other weekend and I'm not coping.

Perimenopause thrown into the mix is not great. I was crying my eyes out after they left after half term with the sheer enormity of dealing with someone else's children for a week.

Thanks for reading.

I was in a similar situation to you for a long time, OP. My SKs had really poor hygiene and table manners, ate in a way that I struggled to look in their direction at dinner time, wiped bogies on sleeves, would openly pick their noses and eat it, they would just drop anything they no longer needed and leave it wherever it fell. All these little things that sound like not very much but build up and when you're a step-parent you feel like you can't constantly nag at them to do it and then you feel on edge in your home because all these things are bothering you and you can't always say anything about it. I had many many moments of wondering if I could live like this. However I also have children with DH and my worry was also them picking up these manners and behaviours.

We're about 3 years in of living together and now, just in the last month or so, I've started to feel like we're making it through to the other side. The main thing that has got us through it though is my DH not disney-dadding and instead making sure he addressed these things. It took away so much of the resentment, made it easier for me to say raise it when something did happen because it wasn't only coming from me (and had become more of a house-expectation). Now they still need reminding, it can still be frustrating, but I don't feel the way I used to about it and it doesn't weigh on me the way it did and it feels more like just regular child behaviour that is easily addressed.

So it definitely is something you can get past, but your DP is key to that happening.

There's a lot to unpack here OP, I feel for you. It was similar when I met my DP although 11 and 13.

DP did EVERYTHING for them and it used to give me the rage, over time their entitlement and laziness got worse. I had to detach but not before I picked up DP on EVERY SINGLE THING that he needed to do because I sure as hell wasn't going to be labelled the evil witch for asking them.

We had a discussion first of course, I didn't slowly up the ante on him nagging all the time but it was very clear that as they grew older, their expectation was to waft in and out of our house expecting someone else to pick up their shit and I didn't get into the step parenting gig to be a maid, that's his job if he chose to allow them to treat him like it.

So, toilet left in a mess, needs cleaning now, don't care who does it. Wet towels left on the floor until they go smelly? that's fine but they had their own towels and if they expected them freshly washed for their next stay he had to do it. Two meals requested? Fine but he shopped and cooked for it. Lounge takeover at the weekend? Needs negotiating according to what everyone wants to do, chaired by him.

The reality is that by the age of about 15/16 the EOW thing does drop off and in our case now is replaced by holidays and one weekend a month or DH goes out to see them so there's no point in re-evaluating your living situation, but you do need to have a coping strategy, mine was disengaging and reminding DH of all of his parental responsibilities alongside making sure that everyone has a fair deal in our home. It's not the red carpet for the kids every fortnight and then making it up to you for the next 10 days

I should add a phrase that I heard on here a few years back that really helped me "choose which hill you'd prefer to die on" I.e SD's eating with her mouth open and picking her nose + eating it in the lounge drove me mad. But...... the principle of her expectation that towels should be left to smell mouldy by her and appear freshly washed the following weekend had an element of cause and effect to it which seemed to have a longer term impact.

DH could debate with her why she thought at 14 years old that he should pick up after her and wash her smelly towels when most people can get more than one shower's use out of a towel.

The eating with her mouth open + nose picking was a life stage thing that disappeared as soon as she got the social immaturity of doing it around other people. So no point in getting ragey with that one.

I think the jumping to "leave him" is a bit premature. I'd personally try the disengaging, leave the parenting to the parent. Try to not care. I know that's hard. But what is it to you if they are bought up badly? See if that helps.

Your partner should be tidying up after them. So tell him every time there's some mess that is really in the way or annoying you. "Can you clean up the dinner table" "DS has left the bathroom in a state please clean it up". Obviously kids are messy though and you will feel like an "outsider". Because you are. Key is to embrace this status. Join in when you want, don't when you don't.

If you think things still aren't improving for you then yes leave. Yolo

I have a lot of empathy for your situation. I am going to go slightly against the grain here and say that I think you may be being a little unreasonable on some but by no means not all of these points. You’ve moved into the kids’ house they’re used to visiting for their dad and introduced a lot of new expectations around food to the point of them gagging and crying. Since one of them has special needs that can manifest around food, this switch sounds very challenging for them. Given their ages and since they don’t go to school nearby, I am not surprised that they want to spend a lot of time at home on tv/gaming.

I think the advice to detach, spend more time on your own is good and I would also encourage more of a mentality of picking your battles. Some of what you describe may not really be important enough to fight about, but some of it is. Couples therapy might help you manage things, too.

When I read about the cutlery thing you have an issue with I was shocked. I think this isn't relevant and maybe shows that your nitpicking in the situation.
Your home is meant to be their home where they feel 100% safe and secure, if they want to watch rubbish tv and their dad has always allowed it then I don't think it's your place to change it I'm sorry to say.
All the best with your decisions.

I feel sorry for you reading your post, but this just isn't going to work. I was that child growing up (albeit much better behaved). I felt unwelcome, like an inconvenience to my step mum. Regardless of how you try and hide this...they know. It was like the elephant in the room my entire childhood and beyond.

Upshot of it...although your partner sounds like a bit of a lazy parent (it's the same in my household, but they're my kids & I trained them from birth 🤣), he is present and appears to love his kids (my dad didn't which is why we don't have a relationship now...plus all the above 😢). Don't kid yourself...you can't change these entrenched habits in them; particularly as your not the parent and no-one is on the same page (it just isn't your job to address all this and it won't be successful). You also just don't love them. There's no shame in that as long as you don't damage them with it...be honest with yourself and draw a line under this and put it down to experience. It only worked with my dad and his long term girlfriend because we became second and he cut our visits back to keep their relationship going. Don't be that person.

I wish you well...you seem nice ❤️

I do feel for you. Blended families which seems to be the new word is often not easy. This waas 13 years ago, I was in a similar situation. My son was 18 and just enter uni. My partner twin girls were 9 at the time of us living together. I find exactly the same, my partner would be a good dad and interact and play , cook for them. We had the girls 24/7 as slowly their mother cut down her time to have the girls, and then didnt seem to want to be their mum, she actually 'oh she, meaning me is their mother now' table manners, eating spaghetti hoops with their fingers and then licking their fingers afterwards. Never said please, thank you, ,or bye or hello. I felt the zame as you, I was trying to discipline in a nice way, as their started puberty, discussed personal hygiene, purchased and chatted with girls about periods and how to use pads and tampons, as at 10 their periods were very heavy, and one of the girls came out of school one day walking with her legs crossed. Their have dark hair and olive skin, so I introduced into hair removal and their BO was off the scale, and they wouldn't wear any sport of bra, even sports one, so they were bullied at school because they didn't wish to listen to me. I get it, I am not their mum, but their armpit hair grew about 6 inches long and thick. I said to my partner you need to talk to them, as they were,being bullied at,school.. i said to them I only advising you because otherwise children at school will tell you about your BO. It all kicked off. Their mother was hopeless and not around. They spat in the kitchen bin, and I said not to do it, I, retched . They were lazy with their plates left on tables, crisp packets and drinks left everywhere. I really tried to help them as a friend, some women I believe would think sod this if they want to ve like this let them get on with it. I had rented my house out and suggested we bought a house together after 6 years together. My partner's house was very small. There was no give and take , I know they lived in their own house, but they had the bigger bedroom with the ensuite. My partner changed his mind about moving or making any changes in bedroom situation. They didnt want a wardrobe in their bedroom, so we had all their clothes in our tiny bedroom. I blew up and had a major argument with ny my partner, and in the process after sleeping on the couch, I woke up groggy thought I would go upstairs to bed. No recollection of what happened that night but my husband found me at the bottom of the stairs, I sustained a bleed on the brain. In hospital after discharge stayed with a friend and then moved back to my own house. I know this is a negative answer to your situation, but I should have put myself first after not engaging, and not enough self care. I wish I had left earlier but it was so,hard to leave my partner as I loved him. Now I have a permanent disability and unable to wòrk for 10 years. You come first amd if your partner cannot commit and back you up, dont end up like me. Take care

I can relate to alot of this coming from a male perspective.

I would say keep going with your rules and integrate them to your partners children.
I hate the talking with food in mouth ect drives me nuts to the point I walk out.
We also cook about 4 different meals a night when we have my children over to say aswell as having my partners full time and our little one together.

But if you love him stick at it.

I refuse to tidy up after them.
They are at an age where they are old enough to do it them selves and learn.

We put in a chore rota for when the kids want to earn pocket money or game time.
They help us they get something in return.
This may really help you.

The problem is in less than two years you've moved into their space and you don't really know them. You should have waited first and got to know them.I don't think your ready to date someone with children

I would never live with a man who had young kids as I have been there, done that and I don’t want to parent anymore children.

Although, 90% of the responsibility should fall to the biological parent, the step parent is agreeing to be a part of the parenting when they agree to move into the kids home.

What were they like before you moved in?
When you would stay over but not actually live there - was their behaviour similar or better/worse?

You obviously saw them and their behaviour before deciding to move in FT and must have thought it was something you could cope with.

My only suggestion is to make yourself busy and to pick your battles.

This is their time to spend with their dad, so make sure you give them that 1-1 time.
Go out with friends, go shopping, to a spa, coffee shop etc then when you get home have a bath and an early night to read your book.
Don’t make it obvious that you are avoiding them. Just slowly back off and let them have time to themselves/you have time to yourself.

You sound also pick your battles.
Its not your job or responsibility to clean up after them or teach them things.
If their dad is ok with them staying on their screens all day and not cleaning up after themselves, then you need to let him parent the way he wants to.
If they make a mess then it’s up to him to clear it up or get them to do it.

If he wants to be a Disney dad then he should also suffer the consequences of this.

I can’t help feel that you have stepped into a very hands on mother role, whilst he gets to just do all of the fun stuff and is happy standing by and letting you pick up the slack.
There is no way I’d let a man move in with me and start telling my child what they can and can’t do. It is for me to parent them.

Also, FYI it’s very possible that DS has food issues and could possibly be autistic.

The boy has the WORST table manners I have ever witnessed in an 11 year old. He won't eat foods of certain textures... I understand this is connected to his adhd

ADHD and autism often go together.
They can also be genetic and so it’s possible that the other siblings may also have it.
So DH can encourage good behaviours but some things can’t be changed or will be more tricky.

You're in a predicament OP. DP and his kids have their behaviour and you have your standards and the 2 aren't compatible. The kids will pick up on the resentment which isn't fair to them. If you love him and don't want to separate you may have to compromise ,be less picky , take yourself off out of the house and disengage for part of the time the kids are there. If that's not possible move out into a place of your own but continue the relationship. How would DP feel about that.
The kids will grow up, do you want to play the long game? But his DC will always be part of his life. You need to have a serious think but something has to change and you only have control over what you yourself does.
DP of course may decide to make the decision for you and call it a day if he wants to find a partner who doesn't have issues with his DC. How would you feel if if told you that. Wishing you good luck with whatever happens

That actually sounds to me (qualified SENCO) like the son may benefit from an autism assessment as it may be co-morbid with ADHzd. Bottom line: ND kids are harder work..every parent with one will tell you, but generally people without don't believe it, and just think the parent of the ND child isn't trying hard enough, and if they were their child they'd eat everything / know how to behave / be more polite / stop making a fuss about small things / go to bed on time etc.

The actual issue here is not really the kids, who are only doing what they've always done, it's your expectations and differing parenting styles as a couple. That's what you need to explore. How can you come to some consensus on how you both expect his children to behave, and how will you enforce it? How much is he prepared to accept you offering discipline and how much is he going to do himself? I highly recommend Faber & Mazlish "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk" and possibly some couples therapy to talk this through.

The kids will grow up, do you want to play the long game?

The thing about thinking in this way is that the OP wishes her life away - ‘just’ a decade or so of feeling like an unwanted interloper in her own home. But the promised end point never comes - it’s still the same Disney dadding with no regard for how the OP feels and the kids are in their 30s.

Theres quite a lot in your post I could’ve written.

For me being a step parent is hard and it doesn’t come with a role description. I found that I had to:

1. Talk to DP and give him strategies for dealing with some of the issues. Mornings were beyond stressful and I work from home often so once he understood that how they leave the house affects how I feel about starting work…or when I said ‘why should I have to do these things’ he said ‘you shouldn’t’ and we changed the children’s behaviour from there. I still get the odd pair of pants on the sofa but I make a point of telling said child they need to sort it.
2. I took up space in my own home. Sounds daft doesn’t it but as step parents we’re often scared to parent. It took me time to earn their respect, but it also became ‘my house, my rules’. I still do take myself off when I’m overwhelmed but I’m not afraid to come back and point out that things need tidying up/doing.
3. Find specific ways to combat mealtimes. I too have a child with a development delay who won’t systematically eat with a knife and fork. So I bought Nannas Manners knife and fork set, I took him to buy his own dinner plate (always ate off plastic). I still make three meals a night but I often put food in the centre of the table and he asks to try it now. Slowly this has decreased the amount of adjustments I’ve had to make to everyone’s individual meal. We both reinforce eating with a knife and fork. It isn’t perfect by any meals but it’s better than it was.
4. I set rules and expectations. I made it very clear pants on the sofa is not okay. Rooms should have their beds made and curtains opened. I created transition routines e.g I pick you up from school, you put your bag and shoes here, you get changed, you have a drink, you settle down while I finish my work. ADHD child now understands this, along with other routines around mealtimes and bedtime.
5. I stopped trying to control what goes on outside my house. And I made no apologies for that. I don’t care if you eat with your hands at Mum’s, in this house you don’t.
6. I realised that during half term I would tend to hide more than engage, but I actually found I like them more when I engage. So I try and engage a bit more, whether that’s planning a day out or spending time playing Xbox.

like you, I don’t love them. I don’t miss them when they’re not here in the way DP does. But I have adjusted to recognise them as a part of my life, and they’ve adjusted to recognise me as a part of theirs. It is hard, but as someone said - you quickly learn which hill you’re prepared to die on and sometimes yoghurt on the hands and in the hair, thirty minutes from bath time isn’t the one.

I co parent with my ex and I'd hate to think his partner would feel like this about my kid. Yes like all kids he can be a handful but they will absolutely pick up on your resentment about the situation and that will impact them.

The kids sound a bit unruly but are innocent, i think your partner is the issue. It's his job to parent, cook and clean after his kids. It sounds like you're being used here and feel rightfully upset about it.

I'd step way back and see if he steps up. If not then I'd be judging his actions and not the kids. So if anyone turned me off, it would be his lazy parenting.

So dp is concerned it's not working out?

So is the whole of MN!

Step back. When you fell in love with dp you didn't have the full picture; just the edited highlights. Now you have the full picture would you have still wanted to be with him?

It has been suggested that you're simply a housekeeper cum childminder with benefits. So go on strike and see what happens. Either:

1 he ups his parenting game and actually takes care of his kids and his woman; or

2 (more likely) he whines like a bitch in whelp about how you don't love/support him.

If the latter you're not the love of his life but the help. You complaining (justly) that he does sweet fa is not what a happy compliant save does. Get out and take your self respect with you.

You mention that the boy has ADHD, this would explain a lot, the beige food is probably his safe food and yes it's good to get him to eat fruit and veg it takes on average 10 times to introduce something new on their plates. So the gagging and meltdowns is because it's not their safe food.

As for leaving lights on etc the ADHD mind works differently. Gentle reminders, make things a game, so putting the PJ's in the laundry basket? Make it like a basketball hoop.

As for making beds, have a list of things to do where they can check it off.

Lookup executive dysfunction. He may not have hyperactivity but he may have innatentive ADHD. My son has this and these things happen. Things can improve with support and guidance.

The video games would be a special interest, not something they should be guilt tripped over. Give them time frames for structured time on games.

I agree that table manners are important but you can't expect a child with ADHD to get it straight away.

As for your DP, he doesnt see them often by the sounds of it and doesn't like disciplining then because he wants them to enjoy themselves. This shouldn't be this way so talk to him.

Their deodorants maybe something they like. When they visit their dad it's their home too, where they should be able to relax as well.

For irritating sounds at the dinner table get some loops. Work great for people who have misophonia.

Put napkins on the table for his hands or a pack of wipes. Get him to choose a cutlery set he would like to use.

Set clear boundaries with the kids that are simple to understand. With rewards.

With what you say the girl watches crap stuff, ask what she is into. Shows are so totally different these days and my dad probably thought some of the stuff I watched was crap, like Zapp or fun house, it's generational views.

I said that about the stuff my daughter watches, it's not offensive or bad in regards to content but it being crap is your opinion. Would you like someone saying that about the stuff you watch because it's their opinion? Probably not.

I had a stepparent that acted like this, we don't talk, they have missed out on so much as the only surviving parent. They don't see their grandkids and none of us children speak to them because they tried to impose their ways of doing something on a neurodivergent family.

Think long and hard about what you truly want, maybe do some research on kids with ADHD and how if there is no dopamine in it for them it just can't happen. Not a fault of the kid, generally a condition in which they can't do much about. They feel bad about it and will feel ten times worse as an adult. So show support and help them.manage condition. I have ADHD and autism and so wish that I had the support as a child.

You need to also talk with the mum and dad and all of you need to do consistent parenting. Same way of doing things and work together to improve those kids lives, make suggestions, brain storm because instead of being bitter with each parent in the kids lives the kids will be the ones to suffer in the long run.

Depressed kids with ADHD turns into depressed adults with ADHD who think they don't have a support network which can lead to dark places like self harm, suffering with RSD which is rejection sensitive disorder.

Constant nit picking doesn't work with neurodivergent people. We generally have poor working memory for things. We feel like we get backed into a corner for somethings we just can't help.

My dc are 15 and 17 and still rarely eat any vegetables, love beige food and don't put their knives and forks together at the end of a meal (apart from in a restaurant). I pick my battles, which to me are being polite and kind, working hard at school/college and being happy. With the issues I have faced with them in recent years, I place some things further down the list of importance.

I also rarely ate veg as a kid (and I decided to be a vegetarian on top...my poor mum) but I now eat pretty much anything and am quite fit and well.

My dp moved in with us a couple of months ago after 4 years of being together. By this time he had got to know the dc very well and all their 'ways' so now he leaves the parenting to me and their dad and joins in with the fun things. But part of waiting so long for him to move in was because I never wanted him to feel like he had to be a parent to my dc, or them feel parented by him.

Did you have a taste of what his dc were like before moving in? Did you spend weekends there and build it up gradually?

It's tough for kids who have to live between two homes and part of that will be navigating different rules and expectations at each home.

Yes, my dc probably 'get away' with more than others would tolerate sometimes, my dp included, but I am their mum and this is their home and was their home before dp moved in. They will always come first.

Excellent response.

OP, please educate yourself in ADHD. As the parent of a child with ADHD I can tell you that all the things you've talked about are absolutely part of ADHD.

There is an excellent presentation on YouTube by Dr Russell Berkley called something like '30 essentials for parents'. It is absolutely essential viewing for anyone involved with a child with ADHD.

One thing to bear in mind is that children with ADHD can be up to 30% delayed in maturity and emotional development. This, along with executive function issues can make life for a person with ADHD and their family incredibly challenging.

Parenting a child or young person with ADHD is NOT the same as parenting a neurotypical child.

If you cannot find a different way to step-parent this child, then you need to consider living separately from you DP.

It's only every other weekend. I couldn't cope with every weekend.

I don't think it's your place to make the changes you've been. Gagging? I'd be furious if someone forced my child to eat something and made them gag. Especially if additional needs are involved. I'm not surprised you feel your dp is a Disney dad if he has a different approach to that style of parenting.

It takes a long time to adjust to other children's eating habits and cook flexible meals. It shouldn't be a battle ground with a new stepmother.

It doesn't sound like the arrangement is working for the children. Why don't they have structured activities while they're with you? Swimming etc instead of screen time?

I think you need to absent yourself every other weekend if there's funds for that to be done in an enjoyable way and see if you can be happy grinning and bearing it the rest of the time they're there. If not, then perhaps it's time to bow out for everyone's sake.

He's doing them no favours at all by being a Disney dad, he has a lot of time with them! They'll have a shock if he doesn't parent them and they go through life with friction from failure to acquire manners and perspective on their affect on others!.
I couldn't respect that.
It is a great shame, but I'd really be weighing up if I could hack this in your shoes, he should not be watching you encourage good table manners and not taking that up in your stead, that's awful.
The fact you've discussed this and his response is not to consider whether he can up his game but whether you're 'incompatible' with things as they are... Meanwhile the only way anyone would be compatible would be if they gave no s* or just hid away all the time.

Doesnt sound like you really like them. Although I have 1 child of my own, I decided a long time ago I wouldnt be with anyone who has children (esp young ones) mainly because I have my own way of parenting and although I understand everyone is different I cant bear to witness someone else's parenting long term. Get out now, it's only going to get worse, the behaviours you describe arent that bad, yet you already cant tolerate them.

She cant go out every time they visit for the next ten years, its bot a long weekend she has to put up with them. And I dont see how she cant say they're not staying for weeks in the holidays as you suggest when shes already said their dad feels he doesnt see them enough.