Really struggling with partners children, feel awful about it

[SadSausage44]

This is a total whinge as I'm struggling after a full on half term week with my partners kids..... I have had a heart to heart with dp about all the below and he's now concerned our set up isn't going to work for me and tbh so am I.......

A bit of background.....My dp and I have been together for nearly 2 years, living together for one. Both divorced.

I moved into his place and we split everything bills etc 50/50. His children are 10 (girl) and 11 (boy). Boy has mild adhd. The children stay Fri to Monday every other week and have dinner one or two nights a week with us. They also stay alternate school holidays and half of Xmas and summer hols. I have an adult child. Dp and his exw have been divorced for years and Co parent well, all be it via WhatsApp.

I am posting on here for some help or advice please from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

I'm really struggling with when the children come to stay and I feel terrible about it and it's really starting to affect my relationship.

I don't really feel a huge connection with dps chil, I really like them a lot and feel I'm slowly getting to know them, however without that unconditional love and deep bond you have with your own children, I'm struggling to cope with them tbh.

Their fussiness when it comes to food is driving me crazy, when I met their dad they wouldn't eat fruit or vegetables... we have gradually and after lots of tantrums, gagging and tears, introduced fruit and veg to their diet, however they generally only get fed beige food at their mothers so refuse pretty much anything I or their dad cook apart from bland food. When my daughter was growing up she generally ate the same meals as the adults, but my partners children..... no...... the last week we've been doing two different meals every night as the children won't eat what we eat (healthy, mainly veggie, home made, nutritious food).

The boy has the WORST table manners I have ever witnessed in an 11 year old. He won't eat foods of certain textures... I understand this is connected to his adhd but he still often eats with his fingers, wipes his fingers on his clothes and eats very noisily with his mouth open, so we can see and hear everything.... I have spoken to dp about this and he does try to pull his son up about it but his son just refuses and says he doesn't know how to eat with his mouth closed and I honestly can't eat my dinner near him anymore as it's driving me crazy.

They throw their pj's on the living room floor when they get dressed for school and don't pick them up. Don't make their beds, their dad generally says yes to everything they ask for or want to do....

I'm starting to feel like the disciplinarian in our house. Teaching them to put their knives and forks together at the end of a meal. Turn lights off in their rooms when they're not in them. Putting plates by the sink when they've finished eating.... all the stuff they surely should have been taught by their parents?

I love my dp but I'm concerned that the kids see our house as the fun place when they're with us.

Dps son is obsessed with gaming and will spend hours on the laptop shouting at the screen, I've put my foot down now when he's in our communal living space that he has to go to his room to do it but I feel so mean ... the girl will also sit in the living room with utter shite on tv for hours and I'm constantly asking her to turn it down....

I feel bad as they have no friends around where we live, their mothers house and school is half an hour away. I've suggested some clubs at the weekends and holidays to help them make friends around us, to no avail.

I dont feel I can just relax in what is now my house as well..... when the kids are there I just feel overwhelmed by noise and mess and sometimesjust go to our bedroom for a bit of time out.

I hate seeing my dp being a bit of a Disney dad. He feels he doesn't see them as much as he'd like so struggles with telling them off or enforcing rules when they're with him.

I'm freaking out it's going to get worse as they become teenagers and all that brings with it.

I'm annoyed that I feel I'm picking up the slack for a bit of lazy parenting.

I've tried to disengage but that means not being around when the kids are there.... has anyone else successfully done this, has your relationship with your dp worked if so?

I adore him and don't want to lose what we have.

Am I being a wicked step parent? I'm starting to dread them coming to stay, my whole life and our house gets turned upside down every other weekend and I'm not coping.

Perimenopause thrown into the mix is not great. I was crying my eyes out after they left after half term with the sheer enormity of dealing with someone else's children for a week.

Thanks for reading.

Honestly @SadSausage44 you will look back on this and the only thing you will question is why you didn’t speak up sooner.

The thing is that parents who want to have new relationships need to (but often do not) accept that their parenting should and must be up for discussion because it profoundly affects their partner.

A big problem is that parents feel entitled to say ‘you knew I had children’ and take absolutely no responsibility for the effects of their parenting choices. It would help if they could reflect about why other people might not enjoy spending time with their children and their role in achieving that outcome.

Instead, you get defensive nonsense that blames a partner for having any boundaries.

It’s horrible to live with.

It’s common, unfortunately, to be accused of disliking the children when you try to set boundaries. Wonderful, isn’t it, when your own partner uses the evil stepmother narrative against you. This was one of my primary reasons for disengagement from partner’s kids. What I didn’t like how was how he chose them to allow them to behave, that he’s so fearful of his ex wife he can’t put any boundaries down with her and will ruin our planned weekends and holidays because she’s changed a handover time or insists that if they don’t attend a minor school event together on of her days she will tell the kids ‘your girlfriend is your priority.’ These men can remain controlled by their jealous or vengeful exes for years and they can find it easier to make all this our problem than admit they remain under the thumb of a woman they separated from years ago.

What my DP never saw clearly for years was his ex wife’s determination to weaken his support network by dictating and changing his child arrangements to the point he could never arrange to see me or see friends and relatives. After we got together she moved town and insisted he move there too, or otherwise couldn’t see the children. He has no one in this new place. And then ex controls his free time by insisting he must do xyz with the kids on her contact days.

I believe the exw has a financial incentive for this - when their current maintenance arrangement runs out she will want to say he’s not doing well enough as a 50-50 parent to carry on - she gave him 50-50 months after the court gave her primary residence and on the basis he keeps paying her the maintenance. If he’s happy and sane and well supported he’ll have a much better chance of proving to the court when money discussions come up again that he can stand on his own two feet so why can’t she? Lady won’t want that. Doesn’t work or look for work. Devotes life instead to driving my DP mad. She tells the kids’ school he’s mentally ill and an abuser. She tells the kids he ‘might not be able’ to continue seeing them so much in future and that if life with daddy gets ‘too hard’ then they can choose who to live with once the oldest turns 13 (this is when the money arrangements expire).

I laid this all out for DP as a natural consequence of not standing up to ex and said I wouldn’t be sticking around to be affected by this manipulation much longer. He’s slowly waking up to it and I’m being patient with him.

Everything between us is brilliant, apart from the fact I'm struggling with my life being dictated to by an ex wife and his childcare arrangements and commitments.

15 years ago I would have said exactly the same. We were manacled to a ridiculously strict visiting schedule, it did no one any favours.

Hello
I've just signed up to this site and read your post. I feel EXACTLY the same as you and in a very similar situation. Did anyone respond to your post offering advice or support? I'm considering paying for counseling or leaving the relationship it's that bad!
H x

I have been I a similar situation with my ex husband. It’s easy for people to say why did you get into the relationship, but it never starts like that. You think you can cope, until the mother of the child either moves somewhere far away (in my case) or has another change which means dad can’t see their child as often.
That was the trigger for my ex H, who became increasingly unbearable to live with as the stays become less frequent.
His child would stay once a month for a weekend, and the two weeks leading up to that would be a living nightmare, which his insistence everything was EXACTLY right, his son had his own bedroom, which the door had to he closed on at all times because it was his space, and nothing should be in that room.
When my stepson was at the house, my husband would wait on him hand and foot - no boundaries, never ever saying no to anything, and he would reel off a list of choices at every meal time , running to the shop if he was missing something.
He was rude, controlling and dismissive of me and would belittle me in front of his son if I ever gave asked him something (would you turn the tv down/stop kicking the ball against the neighbours wall etc) basically telling him he could do what he wanted.

I attempted the conversation many times, husband never wanted to listen and when we did separate, my ex husband sent me a letter explaining the way he behaved was out of guilt that he is not in his sons life everyday.

I think the person that needs counselling is actually the parent of the child, to overcome their feelings of abandonment (even though this clearly isn’t the case)

Either way, personally for me, i could not be in a relationship with another man with young children as i find it too stressful.

Good luck Op

op you are going through what a lot of us parents go through but without the bond to the kids that we have (because they're flesh and blood)and the added thing that you never had to go through this with your own child (either you were lucky or better or whatever it is).

We have kids that are similar to what you describe alongside years of nagging etc. When my in laws/ family's children come over there's a general 'but why don't they do x' and they find it hard to cope with. (We also find it difficult to cope with the comparisons and the 'maybe if you just try' but how-and-ever!!). It basically comes down to can you live with this. Can you put aside preconceived notions of how they should be and just move on and try to enjoy them (while co parenting). Also your dh needs to know that you can't do the evil stepmother thing, that he needs to want them to pick up etc etc.

When my stepson was at the house, my husband would wait on him hand and foot - no boundaries, never ever saying no to anything, and he would reel off a list of choices at every meal time , running to the shop if he was missing something.

I attempted the conversation many times, husband never wanted to listen and when we did separate, my ex husband sent me a letter explaining the way he behaved was out of guilt that he is not in his sons life everyday.

i suspect a lot of us can identify with this. DH and I managed to get through it, DSS is nearly 30 now, but DH still can’t bring himself to admit Dad Guilt and Disney Parenting

Hey, I read this and can really empathise with a lot of what you've written. I've been with my now husband for 6 years and I've managed to ease a lot of these situations for myself. For example, retracting/withdrawing from seeing them only led me to become more resentful as I felt left out and a stranger in my own home. So instead, I started planning fun things for us to do as a family once a month. The remaining weekends, I would balance between doing something for myself (e.g. getting my nails done in the morning) and then something cheap and fun for us to do at home together like bake cookies. This also helped with the screentime issue which still drives me up the wall but doing this has helped ease that slightly. I can totally relate to the beige food and lack of vegetables. This used to work me up to, but I've made peace with the fact that, if their mum is happy to feed them that, then why should I interfere/care. So instead, I make my life easier by putting the beige/frozen food into the oven so it's super quick and easy, and then I'll make something homemade for my husband and I in parallel. If they want to join in with what we're having then that's great, but if not, it's also okay because oven food is super easy too. In terms of the disciplining and the mess, that's really for your partner to implement - you don't want to become the wicked step-mum and it's really for the mum and him to set what's okay and not okay. So worth having a chat with him about this and setting some house rules or maybe even set up a reward system. Then finally, I also have moments still where I fee I can't fully relax in my own home because of the mess or they've taken over the lounge gaming, so instead of allowing it to fester, I try and do something for me in these moments e.g. having a warm bath with a facial, or getting lost in a book. Not sure if that's helpful at all but just wanted to share some things that have worked for me! Also to add, I found the first 2-3 years so hard as you're getting used to eachother, but over the years, my husband and I have really got better at understanding where eachother's boundaries are and it really has got easier over time so don't give up hope x

Omg someone else that feels the same as me. Have you managed to sort anything out? What makes it harder for me is I have 2 children the same as his children. My children seem to think it’s ok to not use their manners or anything ways I have taught them over the years when his kids are around. They leave mess everywhere and do not put anything in the bin. I also dread them coming over and have 2 weeks with them next week when we go on holiday. We argue a lot about it as he is also being a Disney dad. But he does not understand my kids live here full time and he can’t just change and throw their routine out of the window every weekend when his kids are with us. I am starting to resent him and them. I love him so much but am starting to doubt this will work. Any ideas how to get this sorted out

Hi OP,

I wonder how things are now going for you? I know you posted last year

Need some real advice. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. He has part custody of his 9 soon to be 10 year old daughter. I have 2 teens that live with me. A lot got revealed after about 6 months of dating and already attached to him. Turns out he has to live with this parents cause he has to pay allimony and child support. That of course is a hard pill to swallow: I’ve always liked the little girl up until recently when it’s stated wearing on me how manipulative she is and seems controlling. For example, if she doesn’t want to do something, she totally acts like she doesn’t understand or know how to do it and will just give a crinkled Weird look on her face and insist that she doesn’t know what we’re talking about. When we are out to eat, she demands to order from the adult menu, and if the does tries to stand his ground, she will say that she will still be hungry and try to guilt him into more. We went kayaking and she said she couldn’t do it and flipped her boat, let a paddle sink and let her Stanley float away. I am starting to withdraw as I know every visit is going to be something. It’s really difficult cause I have teens and I feel like at their age they would be the ones you would think to act like this. I think now I’m starting to resent how much he gives to have nothing returned. It’s like she doesn’t appreciate what he does for her and of course it makes it hard to figure out how he will ever blend our families when all his money goes to her and his ex.

Ah OP - I am a SM and can't really offer you much comfort I'm afraid.
The kids should come first. If you can't stomach that then it's not going to work.
It's not your job to parent them and your frustration at how their actual parents choose to do that will only cause resentment. I think it's your job to support your DP and to be kind and welcoming. The kids have not chosen this.
Your DP has pretty much the minimum parenting at EOW and a couple of evening meals.
You don't get to live as an uncomplicated couple once you add kids to the mix.
I can sympathise with the annoyance at the mess, the difficulty with meals, the lack of spontaneity but this is the reality. The upside does come - but you do have to learn to go with the flow and pick your battles. My SC are adults now and we get on really well. I didn't always enjoy being around them as kids but I was happy most of the time. If you can't find that middle ground you should call it quits.

@Heythere19 you'd be better starting a fresh thread, not quite sure why is was a shock to you that he pays to support his child though!