Really struggling with partners children, feel awful about it

[SadSausage44]

This is a total whinge as I'm struggling after a full on half term week with my partners kids..... I have had a heart to heart with dp about all the below and he's now concerned our set up isn't going to work for me and tbh so am I.......

A bit of background.....My dp and I have been together for nearly 2 years, living together for one. Both divorced.

I moved into his place and we split everything bills etc 50/50. His children are 10 (girl) and 11 (boy). Boy has mild adhd. The children stay Fri to Monday every other week and have dinner one or two nights a week with us. They also stay alternate school holidays and half of Xmas and summer hols. I have an adult child. Dp and his exw have been divorced for years and Co parent well, all be it via WhatsApp.

I am posting on here for some help or advice please from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

I'm really struggling with when the children come to stay and I feel terrible about it and it's really starting to affect my relationship.

I don't really feel a huge connection with dps chil, I really like them a lot and feel I'm slowly getting to know them, however without that unconditional love and deep bond you have with your own children, I'm struggling to cope with them tbh.

Their fussiness when it comes to food is driving me crazy, when I met their dad they wouldn't eat fruit or vegetables... we have gradually and after lots of tantrums, gagging and tears, introduced fruit and veg to their diet, however they generally only get fed beige food at their mothers so refuse pretty much anything I or their dad cook apart from bland food. When my daughter was growing up she generally ate the same meals as the adults, but my partners children..... no...... the last week we've been doing two different meals every night as the children won't eat what we eat (healthy, mainly veggie, home made, nutritious food).

The boy has the WORST table manners I have ever witnessed in an 11 year old. He won't eat foods of certain textures... I understand this is connected to his adhd but he still often eats with his fingers, wipes his fingers on his clothes and eats very noisily with his mouth open, so we can see and hear everything.... I have spoken to dp about this and he does try to pull his son up about it but his son just refuses and says he doesn't know how to eat with his mouth closed and I honestly can't eat my dinner near him anymore as it's driving me crazy.

They throw their pj's on the living room floor when they get dressed for school and don't pick them up. Don't make their beds, their dad generally says yes to everything they ask for or want to do....

I'm starting to feel like the disciplinarian in our house. Teaching them to put their knives and forks together at the end of a meal. Turn lights off in their rooms when they're not in them. Putting plates by the sink when they've finished eating.... all the stuff they surely should have been taught by their parents?

I love my dp but I'm concerned that the kids see our house as the fun place when they're with us.

Dps son is obsessed with gaming and will spend hours on the laptop shouting at the screen, I've put my foot down now when he's in our communal living space that he has to go to his room to do it but I feel so mean ... the girl will also sit in the living room with utter shite on tv for hours and I'm constantly asking her to turn it down....

I feel bad as they have no friends around where we live, their mothers house and school is half an hour away. I've suggested some clubs at the weekends and holidays to help them make friends around us, to no avail.

I dont feel I can just relax in what is now my house as well..... when the kids are there I just feel overwhelmed by noise and mess and sometimesjust go to our bedroom for a bit of time out.

I hate seeing my dp being a bit of a Disney dad. He feels he doesn't see them as much as he'd like so struggles with telling them off or enforcing rules when they're with him.

I'm freaking out it's going to get worse as they become teenagers and all that brings with it.

I'm annoyed that I feel I'm picking up the slack for a bit of lazy parenting.

I've tried to disengage but that means not being around when the kids are there.... has anyone else successfully done this, has your relationship with your dp worked if so?

I adore him and don't want to lose what we have.

Am I being a wicked step parent? I'm starting to dread them coming to stay, my whole life and our house gets turned upside down every other weekend and I'm not coping.

Perimenopause thrown into the mix is not great. I was crying my eyes out after they left after half term with the sheer enormity of dealing with someone else's children for a week.

Thanks for reading.

Hi OP, I have read your posts but not all of the other posters. I can't bear all the judgements from people who don't know what they're talking about.

I've been there - very very similar situation and a hostile ex thrown in too who would undermine any glimmer of good.

At the beginning I wanted to be the perfect step parent giving them a nice home to enjoy time with their dad. The years of rude, disinterested, hostile kids wore away at me until I slowly but surely disengaged. It started by not wanting to get out of my car after work on the nights they were with us. Even going up to our bedroom wasn't enough when they were in the house.

I don't doubt for one second that they picked up on my attitude and I'm sorry it got to that situation.

I absolutely hated my life but still loved DH. I dreaded their time at our home. It didn't feel like my home but I did still want to be DH's wife. It was a horrific situation. I probably would benefit from counselling as I don't delve into it too deeply.

In the end I moved out. They're adults now. I see it very differently, he was a Disney Dad who had no concern for how I felt.

If I ever date again (doubtful) childfree will be a non-negotiable.

I detached very early on from all these issues. My DSCs have a very limited diet and it’s not my job to resolve that. And you need to pick what bothers you. Knife and fork together no, taking your plate to the sink or whatever yes. If they didn’t I just left it and eventually DP would move it. Your own DCs are going older, so you probably look back on them with nostalgia and forget the ways they were annoying! I had my own similar age DCs and that was an additional complication but I made it very clear to them early on that they lived by my rules and the SDCs were DPs responsibility. If mine commented anything negative about them, I would remind them that people all do things differently. I basically had to decide how involved to get and how annoyed to get and for me it was how much it affected my children, I was comfortable that we communicated about things so I just stepped away as much as possible, and I did go out a lot. It felt like a slog at times but I’m glad I stuck with it. They are teens now and while he is reaping some of the consequences of being a Disney dad, no one is perfect. And we are very happy.

I’d also second the comments about recognising that adhd is a neurodiversity which goes beyond being a bit lively! My son had adhd and while he eats a healthy diet it is definitely limited in range and he is super sensitive to food smell. If he doesn’t like the smell of something he cannot eat it. He also has really poor emotional regulation and is hypersensitive to perceived criticism.

This is very wise.

I don’t think it is the OP’s job to ‘learn
about ADHD’. I say that as someone with ADHD myself.

Instead, she needs to look at the reality of what life with this man is and ask herself if this is what she wants for her life.

One of the most wise and experienced commentators on step parenting.

I think so esp when I read your post about hating your life and being in an horrific situation that has clearly damaged you.

Or were you being sarcastic?

No I wasn't being sarcastic, it has genuinely altered me as a person and not fro the better.

Before you do anything drastic just take a step back.

Let their father deal with the behaviours you are struggling with.

I'd cook a meal and serve the component parts in separate bowls on the table. For example spaghetti in one bowl, meatballs in another, sauce in another and cheese in another. Then they can serve themselves. Don't be cooking extra things. If they desire these then dad can step up.

If you can't cope with eating with the SS at the table, serve yourself and eat separately or eat later. Don't make it a big thing, just say quietly to your husband that you can't deal with the sounds of him eating tonight.

Leave the picking up PJs for your husband. Eventually he'll realise and start to parent. It sounds like you are doing it all at the moment.

And make a retreat space somewhere. And retreat.

Plan stuff for you to be out if you can.

I used to fill the bath and take a glass of wine and a good book to read. Did wonders for my mental health.

If these things don't work you may have to rethink. But they might. Reframe your responses, this is in your control. Their responses are not.

It’s a shame people are still typing out long replies and OP never bothered returning.

OP
One small thing among the others -
You have to stop bothering more than the parents.
Only bother with the issues that affect your.
So for example I stopped cooking when the kids were over. That way I wouldn't get frustrated at the waste (or god forbid gagging).

I don’t think you have to break up with him at all. I just think you need to live separately. That would work much better surely?

You can have a lovely time dating him, but not have to deal with the DC.

Sometimes when you meet them early on, the behaviours change later on and you realise it was all a front. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong time. I do know for a fact that the “you knew what you were getting into” chestnut is a very worn out piece of bs too often used to excuse poor parenting or to move the blame onto the new partner.

I was with a guy with 2 boys. I have 4 boys so no stranger to kids. But I just couldn’t hack it tbh. Mine know how to behave. These 2 he couldn’t say no to, so mine aren’t allowed certain stuff but his were in front of my children. He wouldn’t tell them off.

There was an incident in a restaurant where his older son was messing with his drink so I took it back so he didn’t spill it, he then spilled it all over the table and me. I felt like well you were told. (11 year old so old enough) dad goes off to buy him another one due to all the crying and whining he was doing over it. Refused to use cutlery - apparently only likes his own, well if you knew that dad why didn’t you bring some, I could go on. There was just no parenting there, it was jump and he said how high pandering to them. I don’t parent like that so it was never going to work. Lucky escape.

now with a lovely man with no kids, mine adore him and we all get on great, I hope. He has the odd niggle with mine but he’ll say to them as they like him and they aren’t spoiled brats.

Am I being a wicked step parent? I'm starting to dread them coming to stay, my whole life and our house gets turned upside down every other weekend and I'm not coping.

My DH is a well-intentioned Disney dad and I used to dread the EOW visits. My strategy was to detach. We got through it, DSS is now 30 and we get on really well.

OP I learned a hard lesson here, which was that I had to be wiling to leave if nothing improved. I have a longtime Disney Dad DP. I spent a long time suffering his kids being spoiled and disrespectful. They would hit and kick each other on expensive days out and a minute later he would buy them sweets. The food rejection and fussiness was exhausting. I felt I was the only person trying to bring them up (their mum is also hugely permissive to the point of neglect).

I don’t live with DP so this was admittedly easier to do, but I disengaged from his kids entirely. (Had we lived together I would have at least temporarily moved out or asked him to.)

I simply told DP I wouldn’t be helping anymore. Instead I would see him less. I said I didn’t mind if the relationship ended because if all he wanted was someone to outsource his responsibilities to it was not a relationship I cared to stay in.

I gave him the choice of be a single dad with me as a gf, go find someone else to be housekeeper/nanny and good luck with that, or be a single parent on your own.

He chose the right path. He stepped up. Me and him go on dates and weekends away. I don’t go near his kids anymore apart from maybe a play date with mine once or twice a month. I am observing huge improvements in their behaviour already. DP has taken an actual parenting course. He’s dealt with his kids aggression by signing them up for martial arts. He tells me they are eating at the table and cleaning their rooms. I say ‘oh that’s nice’ without making any commitment to come back.

I have said that blended family might come back on the table if I consistently see a family I’m happy to join. Until then we are dating and he’s 100pc a single dad. I miss DP’s kids sometimes and they might miss me which is why I’ve maintained some contact. But they’re not my kids and will never need, love and respect me as if they were my own. So I have choice about how much to engage.

Would I have left if he’d said it was his way or the highway, with him continuing to Disney while I cooked and cleaned and picked up after everyone constantly? Absolutely. That he didn’t himself leave and just go and find someone else to do his parenting for him has been a good start.

I have all the empathy in the world for you OP and know how hard it is when you’re in love to make tough choices. SP MN can be a scary and bitter place so sending support.

I have been in your situation. It helped to hear and really feel my DPs side which is that he was heartbroken to only see his kids eow (we did not have midweek contact as distance too great) and so did not want to spend that time disciplining. One ate no fruit or veg at all. We didn't battle but managed to get him to eat a smoothie with a banana in it, take a multi-vit and we would make homemade pizza so was at least having tomato base. I suppose I'm trying to say I changed my boundaries and how I parented my own DC on the weekends. I would have time out, we always had one trip a year separately with our own DC as well as blended holiday. I am very fond of the step DC. My DP did all the cooking.

I had typed out a huge long reply and my Internet crashed and I lost it aaargh.
Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I have a lot on at the moment and couldn't face the potential unkind comments on here so haven't been on mn for a few days.

The kids were here this weekend, I was mainly out so it was fine. I made lots of lovely food and made sure the house was nice for them and left them to it.

Is that really how I want to live my life for the next 10 ish years, until I'm 60? Making myself scarce when they're around?

What I'm slowly realising is that it's not so much the children I'm struggling with, they're great kids, the things they do that annoy me are 'normal' kids things. I think it's the fact that my life with my partner is dictated by childcare arrangements... I can't do or plan anything without consulting him or a diary and him having to check with his ex. I know, I know, I should've realised this when I started dating and then moved in with a man with kids, but you don't realise how constraining it really is until you're in deep and especially living together.

We've just had a heated discussion about Christmas arrangements, I'm sat here crying, I think i was annoyed that even though it's not our turn to have them this year, we seem to be having them every weekend in December apart from Xmas eve and Xmas day and Boxing day and we have them at New Year, which means we won't really be able to do anything. Am I being unreasonable... maybe, I'm just a bit over it all tbh.

Everything between us is brilliant, apart from the fact I'm struggling with my life being dictated to by an ex wife and his childcare arrangements and commitments.

It's just a bit shit and I'm realising I'm a really free spirit and love my freedom so I'm probably not cut out for parenting someone elses children and it's breaking my heart.

Moving in on my own isn't what I want to do. I lived on my own for a long time. I want to live with my partner. I think if I moved out it would be the end of us.

Thanks again for sharing your stories with me, it's really helpful.

Please don't leave any unkind comments or comment if you're not a step parent, until you've been one you really have no idea how tough it can be. I thought I had this down... and I really don't.

What do you want to happen? Were you in tears because of December or how he speaks about it all or just the overwhelming nature of the whole thing? I really do feel for you 💐

If you don't want to break up why not just move out ? That seems the easiest solution- you don't have to live together. You can still be a couple etc. Honestly he probably has them more now as you are around to help. If you weren't I can imagine the days of him agreeing to every weekend for a month would evaporate

I understand, it's shit OP.
I've been there, and occasionally still am.

I'm afraid my advice would be descended on by MN vultures, but I can PM you if you want.

You’ve fallen into the classic trap of caring more about them than their father does. For a decade he didn’t care about vegetables, table manners, basic house training.

That really ^

It sounds like you’re taking on the emotional weight as well as the practical stuff. It’s hard enough fighting battles over food and table manners with an unsupportive ex and an ineffectual partner when they are your children.

Let them eat beige food in front of the tv. Their father can cook it for them.

Hi, thank you, yes please pm me if you have the time..... we've just had a huge row.

He thinks I dislike his children, which is not true.

I just let rip about his lack of discipline and why I'm struggling.

I said I should perhaps move out. He agreed and said maybe I'm not cut out for this and being around kids and accused me of criticising his parenting, which I guess I was.

^ SeulementUneFois that was for you... not sure how to work all this very well