Really struggling with partners children, feel awful about it

[SadSausage44]

This is a total whinge as I'm struggling after a full on half term week with my partners kids..... I have had a heart to heart with dp about all the below and he's now concerned our set up isn't going to work for me and tbh so am I.......

A bit of background.....My dp and I have been together for nearly 2 years, living together for one. Both divorced.

I moved into his place and we split everything bills etc 50/50. His children are 10 (girl) and 11 (boy). Boy has mild adhd. The children stay Fri to Monday every other week and have dinner one or two nights a week with us. They also stay alternate school holidays and half of Xmas and summer hols. I have an adult child. Dp and his exw have been divorced for years and Co parent well, all be it via WhatsApp.

I am posting on here for some help or advice please from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

I'm really struggling with when the children come to stay and I feel terrible about it and it's really starting to affect my relationship.

I don't really feel a huge connection with dps chil, I really like them a lot and feel I'm slowly getting to know them, however without that unconditional love and deep bond you have with your own children, I'm struggling to cope with them tbh.

Their fussiness when it comes to food is driving me crazy, when I met their dad they wouldn't eat fruit or vegetables... we have gradually and after lots of tantrums, gagging and tears, introduced fruit and veg to their diet, however they generally only get fed beige food at their mothers so refuse pretty much anything I or their dad cook apart from bland food. When my daughter was growing up she generally ate the same meals as the adults, but my partners children..... no...... the last week we've been doing two different meals every night as the children won't eat what we eat (healthy, mainly veggie, home made, nutritious food).

The boy has the WORST table manners I have ever witnessed in an 11 year old. He won't eat foods of certain textures... I understand this is connected to his adhd but he still often eats with his fingers, wipes his fingers on his clothes and eats very noisily with his mouth open, so we can see and hear everything.... I have spoken to dp about this and he does try to pull his son up about it but his son just refuses and says he doesn't know how to eat with his mouth closed and I honestly can't eat my dinner near him anymore as it's driving me crazy.

They throw their pj's on the living room floor when they get dressed for school and don't pick them up. Don't make their beds, their dad generally says yes to everything they ask for or want to do....

I'm starting to feel like the disciplinarian in our house. Teaching them to put their knives and forks together at the end of a meal. Turn lights off in their rooms when they're not in them. Putting plates by the sink when they've finished eating.... all the stuff they surely should have been taught by their parents?

I love my dp but I'm concerned that the kids see our house as the fun place when they're with us.

Dps son is obsessed with gaming and will spend hours on the laptop shouting at the screen, I've put my foot down now when he's in our communal living space that he has to go to his room to do it but I feel so mean ... the girl will also sit in the living room with utter shite on tv for hours and I'm constantly asking her to turn it down....

I feel bad as they have no friends around where we live, their mothers house and school is half an hour away. I've suggested some clubs at the weekends and holidays to help them make friends around us, to no avail.

I dont feel I can just relax in what is now my house as well..... when the kids are there I just feel overwhelmed by noise and mess and sometimesjust go to our bedroom for a bit of time out.

I hate seeing my dp being a bit of a Disney dad. He feels he doesn't see them as much as he'd like so struggles with telling them off or enforcing rules when they're with him.

I'm freaking out it's going to get worse as they become teenagers and all that brings with it.

I'm annoyed that I feel I'm picking up the slack for a bit of lazy parenting.

I've tried to disengage but that means not being around when the kids are there.... has anyone else successfully done this, has your relationship with your dp worked if so?

I adore him and don't want to lose what we have.

Am I being a wicked step parent? I'm starting to dread them coming to stay, my whole life and our house gets turned upside down every other weekend and I'm not coping.

Perimenopause thrown into the mix is not great. I was crying my eyes out after they left after half term with the sheer enormity of dealing with someone else's children for a week.

Thanks for reading.

You can always move back in when they grow up. It also gives you some space and will physically make him take responsibility for his own children rather than leaving it to you.

Op there are a few issues here.

I get you on table manners...modern kids have shit manners generally I find! But you have to tread gently here if they arent getting this from their own parents.

I am sad for the kids reading that they have no local friends and are spending hours on tv etc. Thats really shit parenting from their dad.

I think there needs to be a parenting overhaul from him and if not I cant see how you will find this bearable

You could tell him you see the kids need to spend more time with him so for that, and the sake of your relationship, and your own financial security, you’ve decided to buy your own house. You can date and enjoy the relationship with none of the drudgery. He can parent. Win/win.

^This 100%

Why are you stepping in to the role of trying to undo what may or may not be bad parenting? I ask this because it will help identify how to release it.

A step parent (all be well meaning) can not cancel out nor undo bad parenting nor can it make a ND child behave NT. All that is likely to happen is the relationship with the DC will become fractious and divide you and your partner.

A couple of things jump out at me - ND impacts on more than one element of behaviour and in my families experience you will the "worst" at home(s) because the need to mask / navigate the NT world all day long is exhausting. So cut slack on their eating habits - leave the nutrition concern to the parents who have knowledge of the medical diagnosis and the child's needs. If they only eat beige - so be it, they are eating.

It is their home - you are the invasive species (joke)! You are coming into their safe space and enforcing your view of how their world should be - you are horrified by their world, well they are horrified by yours. But what is worse you are bringing it into their home, their safe place where they can regulate, be themselves - I am not sure of your experience of ND but I would advise you explore this more and how absolutely vital "down time" is.

If you can not accept the way they are now - then please do consider how on earth you will manage the teen years? This isn't LTB, but consider is there a way you can detach on their time with their father ? Or can you let go your desire to see them behave your way?

You "picking up the slack" will mean you will become the "enemy" in your own home and I would put a large bet your partner will defer to them every time.

Can you just live separately?

What I find more concerning is that when you had your heart to heart with your DP, he said he didn't think the set-up would work as you are finding it tough, rather than actually facing the facts of his poor parenting and trying to fix it. That tells you all you need to know sadly.

I think there is a lot of bad advice on this thread, which in a nutshell is telling you to put up with it and leave the house. Hardly possible the entire time they are around and it's your home and your safe space too. You should not have to feel that way.

Like many posters on this thread, sadly it's usually down to a DP problem, not a DSC problem and this example is no different. Sorry I can't offer any more advice OP but if you've talked to DP and he isn't going to change how he parents, then there's not a lot else to be said.

I don't know how you can still love someone who is such a useless father, you are blaming the children but he is not parenting them properly at all.

I think you can make this work but your DP needs to be on the same page.
You are trying to be a third parent and frankly it's not working.
Step back.
The time with the kids is his contact time and he should be taking the majority of the load.
Set reasonable rules - why are the PJ's in the lounge in the first place? Kids should be getting dressed in their bedrooms and basic manners around leaving dirty plates etc, DP needs to actually be the non Disney Dad and call them back and tell them to tidy up.
I have a child with food sensory issues and would advise against you trying to change their diets. It will just set your up to fail. Offer them some food they like most of the time and offer them healthy options. But don't push it.
Kids can adapt to different rules. I think you are unreasonable to expect the kids not to use the lounge in the evening - it's their home too.
You shouldn't take up the slack for holidays and it's fine to absent yourself if you have other plans.
Be kind to these children even if you don't like them. It's not their choice to live like this.

in brief you have a DP problem. I’d leave them to it more. Make plans to meet with friends, go out to an exercise class / museum etc. get an early night. DPs kids schedule is different to mine so the once a week he has just his kids I leave them to it. All 3 of them love it!

My DPs kids are lovely but they have been brought up very differently to my children and do things I wouldn’t allow. I don’t parent them, DP does. If they leave things messy, on the floor etc that’s for DP to sort. same with food fussiness and table manners… DP sorted a menu and we have 5/6 meals everyone will eat. We take it in turns to cook.

You’ve hit the nail on the head, the ‘normal’ annoying, sometimes gross behaviour that all children show, at one time or another, is hard for any parent but the unconditional love we have for our children overrides all the other stuff. You don’t feel that for these children. They may be harder work than your daughter, but it’s unfair to compare. They have different needs and live most of the time under another set of rules.
Maybe you stay together, but have your own house? It’s not fair the the children to feel you are not keen on them and it will be very hard to hide. I feel for you as I think I would be exactly the same.

As others have said, this is less a problem with SC and more with your partner. He should be instilling table manners and good habits in them. I also have higher expectations than my partner but he helps enforce them because it’s my house too. I think you’re looking for a space to rant, and some suggestions, so here’s a few:

If they’re with you two evenings a week, start going out on one of them. See your relative, work late, go to the gym, join a club. Be clear to your partner that you don’t expect to come home to a mess.

For meals, write up a list of meals that are mutually acceptable and try serving them family style, so you can choose as much or as little veg as you want. Or your partner can cook for the children and you eat what you fancy. They won’t get scurvy. It sounds like you care more than their parents, which will never end well.

Discuss acceptable screen time with your partner. If he thinks it should be unlimited, they need TVs in their rooms. Otherwise, agree it’s 5-6pm or whatever works, and outside of that it’s adults’ choice.

When they’re with you for longer periods, book a mini break. Holidays can be exhausting and overwhelming for parents; of course it’s harder if you’re not related.

Sit down as a family and make house rules. You can incentivise this with pocket money.

Try finding something you enjoy doing with each of them. Maybe cinema trips with one and ice-skating with the other, or whatever you like. Bonding is important. Do it once a month or so and this gives your partner time with the other child too.

Finally, don’t let your partner make you feel bad. If you wanted to spend your life raising unrelated children, you’d have been living in a children’s home before you met. However if you’re relentlessly moaning at him, recognise that and find someone else to vent to - a friend or online step-parenting forums. No children are perfect, and they didn’t choose you any less than you didn’t choose them.

Can you move back to where you were before or yourself a new place?

Keep the relationship but live separately, that sounds the best solution. You can still spend nights together at each others houses but he deals with his kids himself.

I also echo the poster who says neurodiversity impacts family life in many ways. If a child struggles at meal times...shame and judgement will be the worst response. Im sure if you look underneath some of the other issues the child may be struggling with maskijg at school etc

Of course you dont mean to shame and judge but i just dont think its appropriate for you to try and discipline the child particularly if one is ND. It has so many conplexities

Cant you live separately while your dp sorts his own parenting out

From a previous post about this guy

He has told me he has abandonment issues and went back on tinder because he was scared I was going to get back with my ex, I was having a wobble I must admit.

You also talk about his wandering eye, checking out younger women in front of you, not telling you that an attractive younger work colleague was at his house, how he's 'super confident' (arrogant).

Are you sure he's the guy for you? Sounds like it could be rebound after your ex-husband.

I do think that the ADHD is having a major impact in here.
We have an ADHD teen, who we have always been strict around table manners with and he still often eats really noisily ( much worse when he eats with headphones in)
We don't criticize him every meal because he is already coping with a lot just getting through the day, we also let him wear headphones and use computers in public spaces in the house.
He is messy, disorganized and sensory seeking. All of these things are normal

But he is our dc so we suck up the challenges of raising him.

In your situation I would move out, keep your own space and continue the relationship but at a little more distance.

It's fine to admit you've made a mistake op. It's not working out. Even if you try and go out more, avoid the kids, etc it's still not going to be enough. I tried living with a partners child and I couldn't cope with it, and I never ever will make that mistake again. He doesn't sound all that much of a catch anyway tbh but you can still date him from separate houses

Yes I used to go to bedroom all the time, the kids are adult now assns we all have a great relationship. They're not going anywhere so you have to find a way to live with them if you love your partner

You moved into your DP's house only year ago, so why don't you move back out again and have a LAT relationship until the kids are older? Let him step up and parent his children properly, they aren't your responsibility. Other people's kids are always slightly annoying because you don't have the same bond. Go back to just enjoying the good aspects of your relationship, stay over when the kids aren't there. He will then be able to give his children proper attention and you will get quality time together. Too often I think these men are keen to have another pair of hands to help out with the kids. Have days out with his children so you can enjoy something nice together.

I think you have to accept the food issue. Being neurodiverse can cause huge food sensitivities which are hard to understand unless you or your own children experience them.
Overall, if sounds as if you’d be better off living apart. He has a responsibility to his children and can parent as he chooses. If this is not compatible with you, you’d be better off just seeing each other when the children aren’t there.

I didn’t like the way my now husband had lax discipline with his son and bought him anything he wanted without challenge-the answer was not to live with him until our children were adults. We lived separately for 9 years.

Just saw this! Sounds like a split would be a good idea.

I’m aware a lot of people are saying to live apart, @SadSausage44 , but you asked for experiences from people who have been in this situation or know people in this situation.

In fact, this is exactly what my aunt did. She met a man, he seemed (and is, as far as I know) wonderful. But she didn’t want to parent his children, and she didn’t want him to parent hers either (so slightly different than yours, although her kids were all about to leave for university). So they maintained their relationship without living together until the kids “moved on.” I believe it was about 4-5 years and now they live in a home together and appear to be quite happy.

I have no idea, if you move out, how long it might be before you and your partner live together again. Friends and social lives will become more and more important to his kids, and those seem to revolve around the mum’s house entirely. But also, if you don’t want to wait, then don’t.

But no, for my aunt, it was definitely not an option to parent someone else’s children (she’d already parented her own), and she would probably have felt the same as you do.

You are trying to be a third parent and frankly it's not working.
Step back.

While I totally agree that the OP should step back, it strikes me that the advice on this thread can largely be summarised as ‘they aren’t your children; stop trying to parent them’ (with a healthy - and important - dose of ‘he should be parenting them properly).

But this is in such contrast to all the SP threads where SMs are berated for not treating the SC as ‘their own’ and not wanting to pay for them or do all the work etc. Then they’re told that that they knew what they were getting in to when they started a relationship with a man with children and how dare they not centre their ‘family’ around the SC.

It just illustrates the uncomfortable impossibility of stepparenting. Damned if you do; damned if you don’t. And always it’s the parent’s wants and feelings that are centred (on MN often the man’s via a veneer of ‘child centredness’ - or it’s the responding mothers talking about what they would expect/accept from a male partner).

I think the problem is so often that parents are incredibly selfish and use their children as an excuse to treat partners poorly (and to gaslight those partners into thinking they’re bad people for not wanting to be a piggy bank/skivvy/nanny or thinking that they should be able to have an level of control over their own living environment - which, all too often, they have provided).

He's happy how things are. Someone from work was in a similar situation, she stuck it out thinking things would improve once kids became independent, but he finished it with her, once kids moved out she was surplus to requirements, spent years pleasing him and parenting his kids, that's the thanks she got. Always have your own back.