Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Am i a terrible person?

32 replies

Mamabear9119 · 17/10/2023 20:56

I feel awful even writing this but i need to get as much advice as i can on this. Ive been with my partner two years, he has a 6 year old daughter and i am massively struggling with her. Her mother from the get go has been difficult and cannot stand me which i think has caused part of my issue. When it comes to his daughter i find her to be extremely spoiled, although she is a well behaved child she has the expectation that everything must be done for her. She gets everything and more from my partner and his family but this is never enough, i have a child and if my child gets anything that she doesnt there is a massive fuss made. She is constantly sick, or there is something wrong with her and him and the entire family constantly fuss over her. So our plans are constantly called off but when we do what she wants shes always fine. She has came into my home and called it disgusting, told me the only reason she comes here is to see her dad and when she is here im not allowed to be anywhere near her dad. She has now said the only way she will see her dad is if its not here, so on the days he has her he stays elsewhere. When he has tried to bring her up she is miserable, she wont eat, wont sleep, wont interact, wont speak.

ive done everything, i got her her own bed, clothes, toys, toiletries, i take her out, i do activities i know she likes, try to engage her in conversation. I do her nails, dress up, buy her treats. I buy her food i know she loves for when she is coming, when she gets here she apparently no longer likes it

i feel awful but i cannot stand her, he never confronts her about any of her behaviour even the strange lies she tells, accused her mum of hitting her and this never happened?

am i a bad person? I feel like im going to lose my partner over this, he is getting more distant as the weeks go on. I need some advice, what can i do? I have tried absolutely everything

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 17/10/2023 21:02

Gently, sweetie, you don't have a PARTNER as he is a Disney Dad and you sound as if you're not getting any joy out of this relationship. It sounds like both you and your child would be better off without either of them. I think for your and your child's well-being end it

ASCCM · 17/10/2023 21:24

No you’re not a bad person, she is just playing the typical spoilt brat.

This isn’t about you, it’s about how desperate she is to keep her dad to herself.

my DH youngest is still like this. It’s boring and neither him nor I entertain it. She is also always sick ( unless we are doing what she wants) I just ignore it now. Hopefully she’ll stop when she realises it doesn’t earn her the brownie points and gold stars she continually seeks from him.

you and your DH need to be on the same page on the management of this … it sounds like a really frank conversation is required , if he continues to allow it and pander to it then you should have a think about your future with him.

toomanyleggings · 17/10/2023 21:29

I honestly couldn’t be bothered with this. I’d rather be alone. Partner? What is that exactly? Nothing here sounds very together. You’re not married, easy enough to just go your separate ways.

Antst · 17/10/2023 21:32

You're not a terrible person but there's a "but." You need to calm down and understand that the six-year-old child is not responsible for this situation.

It's easier to lash out at her because you're not living with her full-time and she isn't old enough to stand up for herself. You are in a relationship with your partner. He is the one who is responsible for managing the relationship between you and his daughter and ex. Your problem is with him.

You may lose him over this. Right now that may seem like a bad thing, but from where I'm sitting, it looks like a blessing in disguise. Do you really want to be with someone who is incapable of or unwilling to make an effort to see you treated with basic respect and comfortable in your own home? Also, you may be fed up with the child, but do you think she deserves to be manipulated by her mother and allowed to slip into a pattern of extreme and unacceptable behaviour by her father?

If you want to save the relationship, I think you need to address this situation directly with your partner. Remember that it's not the kid's fault. She is the manifestation of the drama between her parents. Her father clearly has unresolved issues with his ex and you needs to find out what he's willing to do to deal with them. If I were in his situation, I'd be making an appointment with a legal professional to discuss parental alienation by the mother.

Aylestone · 17/10/2023 21:35

The 6 year old is being a 6 year old. The problem is your partner is a useless dad. He’s not putting any boundaries in place whatsoever, and I’m assuming there’s a complete lack of discipline too. What happened when you told her what she said? I’ve got a boy the same age and there’d be fucking hell to pay if he walked into someone’s house and said what that girl did. From the sounds of it it’s not going to get any better. Do you think this relationship has a happy future?

Kate9423 · 17/10/2023 21:39

I had an ex partner who allowed his daughter to behave exactly the same as you have described.

In the end we broke up and it didn't take me long to realise it was the best decision I ever made.

Whattodo112222 · 17/10/2023 21:39

The problem is quite glaringly your partner. Is he usually this passive and useless in every day life?

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 17/10/2023 21:52

I think you need to take a huge step back and explain to your partner that this isn't working for you. Then see what he does.

He is probably a typical guilt ridden dad feeling that he can't possibly discipline her for fear of a backlash from mum and the possibility of contact being taken away. But he needs to put his big boy pants on and start parenting her properly.

SemperIdem · 17/10/2023 22:27

She’s quite obviously being manipulated by her mother. She is also very clearly behaving poorly. But she’s 6. That is, in the great scheme of things, very young. There are many years of this behaviour ahead.

I’d seriously consider an exit from this particular circus, if I was you.

Life is too short.

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 17/10/2023 22:34

I have SD's and the first two years weren't great when they were young but we have amazing relationships now. They were genuinely good kids but they were just upset (well one more than the other) about their parents splitting up.

namechangnancy · 18/10/2023 06:02

ASCCM · 17/10/2023 21:24

No you’re not a bad person, she is just playing the typical spoilt brat.

This isn’t about you, it’s about how desperate she is to keep her dad to herself.

my DH youngest is still like this. It’s boring and neither him nor I entertain it. She is also always sick ( unless we are doing what she wants) I just ignore it now. Hopefully she’ll stop when she realises it doesn’t earn her the brownie points and gold stars she continually seeks from him.

you and your DH need to be on the same page on the management of this … it sounds like a really frank conversation is required , if he continues to allow it and pander to it then you should have a think about your future with him.

This with bloody bells on.

I have been a sm for a very long long time. This with neon lights and bells on.

Laurdo · 18/10/2023 08:58

Just echoing what others have said. The problem here is your partner. The girl is 6. If she's going to get away with always getting her way and sulking if she doesn't then she's going to continue to do it. Your DP is enabling her behaviour by not correcting her or disciplining her.

A 6yo doesn't get to dictate who your DP spends time with and where she sees him.

My SD is a lovely, kind little soul but when I went to collect her from nursery one day the teacher told me she has been unkind to another girl. I had a good chat with her about what happened and spoke to her about how we should treat other people. We even watched a YouTube video about bullying and being kind etc. It doesn't have to be shouting and time out but they need to learn that behaviour won't be tolerated.

Khvdrt · 18/10/2023 09:06

The problem is not his daughter, the problem is him. Unless he (and his family) are going to change his approach then nothing you can do is going to make a difference; it’s literally the equivalent of hitting your head against a brick wall. Personally if he’s not willing to change his approach then I would leave, for your child’s sake as well as your own

LemonLimeDivine · 18/10/2023 10:10

YANBU. She sounds like a spoilt little madam.
To make matters worse, she has a Disney Dad for a father and is likely being manipulated by her mother.
This is unlikely to improve OP. Take it from
one who stayed…….. both SDs are now adults and are still spoilt rude brats. 🙄
He needs to change his approach. If he’s not willing to do that then free yourself from this situation.

Coldinscotland · 18/10/2023 10:13

When I threw exh out the bonus was never having to deal with such a dc again. Get rid op. Imagine her teenage years.... Don't sacrifice your happiness and mh for someone else's dc...

Rosiem2808 · 18/10/2023 10:23

In her 6year old mind, she probably thinks it is because of you that her parents are not together. If she makes demands and he panders to them, then he is rubber stamping what is going on in her head.
It's your partner who needs to change or this will go on forever or until you kick him to the kerb OP

Marblessolveeverything · 18/10/2023 11:50

YANBU to be frustrated but YABU to speak about a six year old like she is a mature emotionally manipulative adult!

She is six and she is by the sounds of it a product of her less than ideal childhood. I understand her only wanting time with her dad. She is seeing you and your child as competitors for her fathers attention- not her fault. Six year olds have just figured out how to share objects - sharing peoples emotions takes a hell of a lot more time!

How on earth do you think a six year old forms healthy relationships if her mother hates you and she probably is quite clear on your feelings of her? Children can read insincerity amazingly well.

You are expecting a lot from a six year old child who may in ten years time have some capacity but more likely 15 or more years be able to untangle her emotions to the projections of the adults around her.

You have a partner problem, and she god love her has two parents doing her a real disservice that will take years to unpick. Honestly, if you were a friend I would advise you to walk away for your child's sake and your own.

Allthorpe100 · 18/10/2023 13:47

To me it sounds like the things she is coming out with, she has heard somewhere, probably her mother. I bet she is parroting what her mum says to her. She probably is also trying not to upset her mum by liking you, and he dads allowing it so she is essentially being backed up by both of her parents.

BodenCardiganNot · 18/10/2023 13:52

The child has utterly useless parents. That's the crux of it. It's not her fault. Cut your losses and leave him. And count your lucky stars you don't have a child with him.

PurpleOrchid42 · 18/10/2023 14:26

She's only 6. How long ago did the divorce happen? I think you need to accept her desire not to have a relationship with you at present, and let him enjoy the little time he has with his daughter. Also, there could be all sorts of reasons for her behaviour. Stemming from the divorce, poor parenting or neurodivergence. She is 6. She is SO YOUNG. Give her a break, do not hold this against her. Just back right off and let him spend all that alone time with her. Eventually, she may come round, but you should be proud of your partner for being a caring dad and prioritising his child.

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/10/2023 14:27

ASCCM · 17/10/2023 21:24

No you’re not a bad person, she is just playing the typical spoilt brat.

This isn’t about you, it’s about how desperate she is to keep her dad to herself.

my DH youngest is still like this. It’s boring and neither him nor I entertain it. She is also always sick ( unless we are doing what she wants) I just ignore it now. Hopefully she’ll stop when she realises it doesn’t earn her the brownie points and gold stars she continually seeks from him.

you and your DH need to be on the same page on the management of this … it sounds like a really frank conversation is required , if he continues to allow it and pander to it then you should have a think about your future with him.

It's horrible to call a 6 year old child a spoilt brat.

ASCCM · 18/10/2023 14:43

Willyoujustbequiet · 18/10/2023 14:27

It's horrible to call a 6 year old child a spoilt brat.

Show quote history

I said she is ‘playing’ the typical spoilt brat.

and she is. I’m really not a fan of allowing shit behaviour and she is being shit to the OP and she is a child who should know how to behave. I’m not one of those ‘fluffy’ parents . Sorry you don’t like it but I’m not sorry for saying it!

SpicedAppleAndFreshCider · 18/10/2023 15:02

ASCCM · 18/10/2023 14:43

I said she is ‘playing’ the typical spoilt brat.

and she is. I’m really not a fan of allowing shit behaviour and she is being shit to the OP and she is a child who should know how to behave. I’m not one of those ‘fluffy’ parents . Sorry you don’t like it but I’m not sorry for saying it!

Show quote history

It's not about being a 'fluffy' parent. We don't know what is being said to the 6 year old. Perhaps she needs therapy. My SD said things to be when she was young that was obviously coming from her Mum. She apologised when she was older as she remembered.

OP, does your Partner live with you and your child? how old is your child?

happylittlesloth · 18/10/2023 18:09

Step back and stop doing so much for her. She wants something- ask your dad.

caringcarer · 18/10/2023 18:17

You're not a bad person but she has a bad father. I'd just arrange to see him when she's with her Mum. Keep her away from your home. I'd not invite her there again because she was so rude. The DD sounds like a spoiled brat and he's to blame. Until he stands up and stops her nonsense it will continue. I'd look for a smarter partner tbh.