DD still upset about new families

[Priorityguineapig]

DD is 14, me and her dad separated 4 years ago and I have been with new DP for 2 years and he moved in about 3 months ago. I spoke to DD about this several times before it happened and each time got a very dismissive response, ‘I don’t mind if he moves in’, ‘it doesn’t change my life etc’ however a couple of weeks after she told me she hated him living with us, I listened to all her concerns (no actual reason why) she just didn’t like it and since then she seemed to have felt heard and things were massively improving, she was joining in with us, laughing and smiling again etc my DP has a 6 yr old and DD has really taken to her and enjoyed spending time with her. I thought it was all working out brilliantly, until last night she asks to talk to me privately (I/ We have always made space for this) and she said that she hates my DP being in the house etc, again after a long chat no real reason for this.

Her dad has been with his new girlfriend about 18 months and is moving in with her, he sees her once every 2 weeks and she doesn’t report any issues with this.

She is safe, loved, doesn’t want for anything, we run around after her all the time, recently decorated her bedroom, planning holidays, we have her friends round but she just doesn’t like my DP being here. She is clear that she doesn’t have an issues with him generally but she just doesn’t want him here.

Part of me is really worried DD is desperately unhappy with the current circumstances and this will affect her and I’m considering saying DP may have to move out, but part of me thinks that many many children are part of split families and they have to get on with that to a degree.

What is the best way forward?!

I doubt the OP will be back and reading her previous posts, it’s not hard to see why. If her previous posts are true then she hasn’t known this chap very long and if it’s the one she’s posted about before, he’s a walking red flag. I hope this isn’t all true.

This struck me too

It’s only a short hop. Grooming/abuse is almost universally not disclosed by children to their parents if the abuser is the romantic partner of their parent. The DD ‘hates’ OP’s boyfriend but won’t or can’t say why. If it were as simple as he farts, leaves hair in the sink from shaving, eats her favourite crisps- she would have said something to her mum.

She has asked to talk privately to her mum and practically begged her mum to move the boyfriend out of the house. But cannot or will not say why she has gone from ambivalent about boyfriend to full on hate in only 3 months despite OP reporting “happy family” on the surface. So it’s not a case of OP seeing her boyfriend being shouty or saying mean things to the DD.

That means the behaviour of the boyfriend that is making the DD hate him is happening when the OP is not present and unaware. Perhaps while she is asleep or at work.

Speaking from experience, mom & dad split at 13, mom moved her now husband in about 2 years later. From the get go we just didn't get on, from my side not his. He's actually a very lovely man (slightly annoying at times) but I felt the way he moved in was sneaky from my moms side, she never really sat me and DB down and told us, it all happened under the radar which I think started us on the back foot.

He also then bought my mom a Mother's Day card when he first moved in and I was so upset, they didn't have children together so why did he do it? He worships the ground my mom walks on so I think he was just being nice but it severely upset me and DB.

We get on now (I'm 29) but we didn't get really get on until I left home at 23 - sorry I don't think that will help (!).

Maybe look at the way you've handled him moving in and the way he acts. It's the simple things that really upset me.

I can remember being 14 and being utterly mortified when I could hear my parents having sex - god knows how I would have coped if it had been a man wo was not my Dad!!

Exactly. This is the bottom line.

It would be so refreshing to see someone who knows they created a botched situation for their child(ren) and does everything they can to ameliorate that, instead of indulging themselves YET AGAIN at the expense of vulnerable children.

YES. Instead of the endless deluge of threads from people asking how they can force their new sex partner in to their kids home without complaint, it would be so refreshing and bare minimum to see ‘feeling a bit low temporarily after dumping my shitty boyfriend in order to put my kid first’/‘just dumped a bloke in order to not traumatise my kid for the sake of my sex life’
But no. Instead we have <gestures> this crap.

I agree about the unnecessary haste to blend families, but I think it's trivialising the situation (and a bit slut shamey) to reduce it to sex.

Single mothers generally partner up for security, companionship, a desire to be a 'real family' (i.e. societal pressure) and there's often a financial incentive. It's a lot more complex than wanting a shag.

Although you love your partner and are very comfortable with him, hence him moving in, your daughter will not love him in the same way (obviously) and won't see him in the same light as you do and so having a new person living with you especially at her age is a huge adjustment.

I know what I'm about to describe isn't the same situation as yours, but I just wanted to give some insight - my mum got a new partner when I was around 11 years old and by the time I was 12, she was pregnant with his child. I hated this man but for many reasons, he was a lot younger than my mum and somewhat immature, he changed our whole family setup and rules just to suit him. I used to be very close to my mum and valued time with her/sitting with her on the sofa in the evenings but this all stopped because if she didn't sit next to him every night, he would literally strop. I'd be sat watching the TV in the lounge and he would walk in and turn it over without asking or making any conversation. So in the end, I would just spend every night alone in my room to avoid this and sometimes had a little cry to myself until my mum picked up on it and did her best to comfort me. He had no table manners and always ate with his mouth open and loudly. He tried to get my mum to send us away to boarding school to get us out of the way, etc. He would give me nasty looks behind my mum's back... the list just goes on. I can't stress enough how uncomfortable I felt living in my own home with this man. Their relationship broke down a few months after my sibling was born (sadly), but ultimately my mum was happier on her own. I think she started to see what I saw. But their relationship has had a lifelong effect on me and I often think about it even now I'm in my late 20s. All of the things I've listed are small things I suppose but they add up and create a bigger picture. I pushed my feelings aside because I felt like I couldn't change the situation and I wanted my mum to have her happiness. Is there any chance your daughter doesn't want to upset you so she's holding back? Could you get someone else to talk to her or ask her to write down what she doesn't like about living with your partner and give it to you rather than saying it to you? Just a thought. Sorry to put my life story on your post. I hope the point I'm trying to make makes some sense.

My viewpoint, having 2 DD's and being separated from their Dad for many years (11) & dating for 4, is that I would wait until she's 16-18.

It does aggrieve me that ex moved on and has set up home with someone else (no kids) but they go to his on average less than one night per week and I can't do the same (resistance from my girls).

I've listened and for now I'll put their needs over mine. What else can I do. I don't want them to look back and say I did things that they didn't want me to.

What's the rush that people have to force their partners on their kids?
You have the rest of your lives.
I would have hated this as a child and so glad my parents didn't inflict this on me.
I have lived happily as a lone parent for last 10 years and l don't understand why people seem so incapable of living separately.

@IfYouCouldReadMyMind This is so true, there are some absolutely desperate single mothers out there. Learn to love yourself, and put your kids first.

My 5 year old son returns hope almost every weekend wondering why his Dads step kids can’t stand him and saying he hopes they like him when he’s bigger. He also can’t understand why they hate his Dad so much. Some people just don’t realise how much mess they cause.

Totally agree.

So sad for your son, and that whole mess is so avoidable.

Ah, the bitter exes who refer to new partners as sex partners/golden vaginas etc. of course there can’t be love involved can there.
Remember that the kids came about from the original sex partners, no love there either going by this standard, that we only couple up for sex.

Tired of derogatory references towards new partners and step parents, shows how many people haven’t moved on though and still have issues over their ex finding someone else. When you find someone else yourself, remember it’s just about the sex !

I think you should have waited to move him in or not moved him in at all. It is possible to have a relationship and not live together, your dd should be priority.

I’ve lived alone with my dc for 8 years now, I’m not sure I could ever move another man into the house. Just remember that it’s you that has a connection to this man and not her, she’s being forced to accept him into her life and it sounds like she doesn’t really like him or feel comfortable with him living in her home. I would be looking at getting him to move out and living separately, it doesn’t mean you have to end your relationship, just means not living together?

She is your child. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t listen to her about something like this.

Would you like to be forced to live with someone you don’t want to? Or is that something that only children should have to suffer?

Well said, @SoySaucePls and @FloweryName

I see it as so weak and self-indulgent. Parents of kids who've been dragged through a divorce/split need to back-burner their own desires and "needs" till the kids are 18.

Finding the responses on her absolutely fascinating. My mum moved her boyfriend in when I was younger, 9, but I do in many ways think of it as the end of my childhood. The thread here is really explaining why to me in ways I’ve never thought of before. Yes it did feel unsafe afterwards. My stepdad is a nice man in a way but I was never comfortable or truly happy at home again. But the decision is made now and your daughter will survive. I am the person I am today because of the childhood I had, and it did teach me a lot about negotiating, standing up for myself, and dealing with conflict. It made me a stronger woman. I’m sure in time your daughter will adjust, I did. Mind you I also moved out as soon as I turned 18 and never went back - but that was for the best and made me really work hard for myself.

This sums up my feelings.

It's totally annoying she doesn't care what your exH does but that's because his house isn't her home. Your house is and now there is a random acquaintance who is a strange man living in it 24/7. Her sanctuary isn't safe, she's in a perpetual state of unease.

I feel for you as you are Painted into a corner somewhat so either:

He moves out and she's the little dictator who cock blocked "your happiness"

He stays and her home is not her sanctuary and you can't understand why she's distant and your relationship is in the toilet.

Personally I can't imagine a scenario where if put my DD in this position. A 12/13 year old can't tell you she's fine about your special friend Derek moving in. She doesn't have capacity.
Why you couldnt wait a few years of he's your true love match is beyond me.

Mmm. I'd probe deeper There could be something she's too scared/embarrassed to say For me, my dc came first.

and it did teach me a lot about negotiating, standing up for myself, and dealing with conflict.

These aren’t things you should have to learn in your safe place, your parental home. These are things you should learn at school, in the workplace, with extended family. Your home should be your sanctuary.