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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DD still upset about new families

149 replies

Priorityguineapig · 10/10/2023 07:51

DD is 14, me and her dad separated 4 years ago and I have been with new DP for 2 years and he moved in about 3 months ago. I spoke to DD about this several times before it happened and each time got a very dismissive response, ‘I don’t mind if he moves in’, ‘it doesn’t change my life etc’ however a couple of weeks after she told me she hated him living with us, I listened to all her concerns (no actual reason why) she just didn’t like it and since then she seemed to have felt heard and things were massively improving, she was joining in with us, laughing and smiling again etc my DP has a 6 yr old and DD has really taken to her and enjoyed spending time with her. I thought it was all working out brilliantly, until last night she asks to talk to me privately (I/ We have always made space for this) and she said that she hates my DP being in the house etc, again after a long chat no real reason for this.

Her dad has been with his new girlfriend about 18 months and is moving in with her, he sees her once every 2 weeks and she doesn’t report any issues with this.

She is safe, loved, doesn’t want for anything, we run around after her all the time, recently decorated her bedroom, planning holidays, we have her friends round but she just doesn’t like my DP being here. She is clear that she doesn’t have an issues with him generally but she just doesn’t want him here.

Part of me is really worried DD is desperately unhappy with the current circumstances and this will affect her and I’m considering saying DP may have to move out, but part of me thinks that many many children are part of split families and they have to get on with that to a degree.

What is the best way forward?!

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 10/10/2023 11:40

RudsyFarmer · 10/10/2023 11:38

If I were your partner I would run like the wind. All it’s going to take is her to report the merest whiff of impropriety coming from his direction and he is absolutely fucked.

What a strange take.

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 11:43

well no it’s not the decision I would make as I’d never inflict my teens on anyone tbh

but what if the daughter is still at home in ten years is the op not supposed to move him back in?

Goldbar · 10/10/2023 11:51

TomatoSandwiches · 10/10/2023 11:40

What a strange take.

Show quote history

Especially given that the number of false allegations of sexual assault is tiny compared to the number of actual sexual assaults. Not that there's any reason to suppose that the OP has picked a wrong 'un, but he's far more likely to get away with it if he did anything inappropriate than to be reported maliciously without any basis.

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 11:58

In four years time, the DP’s DD will be 10. Unclear if the DD is with the DP full time, but won’t the same be true for her at that stage - difficult time, starting puberty etc?

Dad seeing her once every two weeks is just an EOW arrangement, if he lives too far away for the DD to get to school, then that’s pretty standard, no?

newamsterdam · 10/10/2023 12:06

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 11:58

In four years time, the DP’s DD will be 10. Unclear if the DD is with the DP full time, but won’t the same be true for her at that stage - difficult time, starting puberty etc?

Dad seeing her once every two weeks is just an EOW arrangement, if he lives too far away for the DD to get to school, then that’s pretty standard, no?

I guarantee she lives with her mother.

and no, it is not at all standard for a father to see his child once a fortnight. It's completely shit.

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 12:11

newamsterdam · 10/10/2023 12:06

I guarantee she lives with her mother.

and no, it is not at all standard for a father to see his child once a fortnight. It's completely shit.

Edited
Show quote history

What is standard if the teenager prefers to live with her mother, and the father is too far away for the teen to get to school, then?

newamsterdam · 10/10/2023 12:26

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 12:11

What is standard if the teenager prefers to live with her mother, and the father is too far away for the teen to get to school, then?

Show quote history

Why is the father too far away? Because he left. That's a shit dad.

Is there any scenario in which you would be happy only seeing your kid(s) once a fortnight?

caringcarer · 10/10/2023 12:39

Pottomous2 · 10/10/2023 08:08

I am alway surprised by responses on mumsnet. You sound lovely and caring op, but it is important you consider your DDs feelings alongside your own. Our children grow up and live their own lives- you have to have your own life. You separated 4 years ago - that is quite a gap to have a relationship, you have a right to be happy and dd can at 14 understand that.

I think 4 years is a good enough gap to be alone. I'd ask your partner to give her space in the house and arrange to do a Mum daughter thing once a week. I'd ask your DD what she thinks about sharing her Dad once his gf moves in?

newamsterdam · 10/10/2023 12:45

She hasn't been alone for 4 years. She's been in relationship for two of those years.
And you're not alone when you have children. Their needs and safety come before your desire to live with your boyfriend, end of story.

IslaWinds · 10/10/2023 12:46

DD is 14, me and her dad separated 4 years ago and I have been with new DP for 2 years and he moved in about 3 months ago. I spoke to DD about this several times before it happened and each time got a very dismissive response, ‘I don’t mind if he moves in’, ‘it doesn’t change my life etc’ however a couple of weeks after she told me she hated him living with us, I listened to all her concerns (no actual reason why) she just didn’t like it and since then she seemed to have felt heard and things were massively improving, she was joining in with us, laughing and smiling again etc my DP has a 6 yr old and DD has really taken to her and enjoyed spending time with her. I thought it was all working out brilliantly, until last night she asks to talk to me privately (I/ We have always made space for this) and she said that she hates my DP being in the house etc, again after a long chat no real reason for this

This is really really concerning. She went into your DP moving in with a positive attitude and she has tried very hard to be positive, by connecting with his DD and participating in family life.

But now she is confiding in you and saying she hates your DP being in the house. This can only mean that it has affected her life and negatively.

The fact she will not or cannot confide in you the exact reasons for going from ambivalence to hating your DP in only 3 months is a red flag the size of a football field indicating possible inappropriate behaviour by your DP towards her.

I really would have him move out at this point. You should not move him back in until she is an adult and has moved out.

SheilaFentiman · 10/10/2023 12:55

newamsterdam · 10/10/2023 12:26

Why is the father too far away? Because he left. That's a shit dad.

Is there any scenario in which you would be happy only seeing your kid(s) once a fortnight?

Show quote history

Err... we don't know who moved, or how far, or what local housing costs are like etc.

And seeing once a fortnight is a bit different to spending friday after school through to sunday evening every other week, which is what I assume it is.

Anyway. No point continuing further as it's not the question at hand.

gotomomo · 10/10/2023 13:04

Sorry but I don't agree with all the martyrs there who don't think it's reasonable for mums to move on. Why should we have to put our futures on hold (but not the dads, who are often the ones that left.)

Ok mine were over 18, so different dynamic but I have one dd and one dsd living with dp and I, completely their choice too, it's perfectly possible to blend but it takes time, more than 3 months!

sunlovingcriminal · 10/10/2023 13:09

@newamsterdam they're happy. But to be on the safe side I'll terf out my dp and my dss's just to ensure that my ds is happy- because, y'know, someone on the internet said they doubted that the could possibly be.

Nevermind that my ds has asked to do a speech at our wedding next year, as he's actually really happy that we're getting married 🤔. And Dss's actively ask which weeks they're going to be with us during the school holidays (in addition to the weekly times), as they like being here.

Blough · 10/10/2023 13:28

OP if this is the same man you posted a thread about a year ago, where all the replies said ‘run’ due to his behaviour, you have no business moving him into your child’s home. Shocking.

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 13:29

@Blough is there a link?

Blough · 10/10/2023 13:31

It’s poor form to paste a link, just advance search usernames. (Normal search doesn’t work on this website)

NerdyBird · 10/10/2023 13:45

Age makes a difference I think. I moved in with now DH and my 2 DSDs when they were both under 10. Their mother also married someone else. They were more accepting of mum's husband then (despite not actually spending any time with him) than they are of her new partner now they are both teenagers (mid and late teen).

I also think it's quite different a man moving in than a woman.

This is a difficult situation for your dd, even if new partner has best intentions.

excelledyourself · 10/10/2023 13:45

Blough · 10/10/2023 13:31

It’s poor form to paste a link, just advance search usernames. (Normal search doesn’t work on this website)

True. But it's also poor form for OP to write a bullshit backstory to try and make her behaviour look reasonable and sway the replies in her favour.

Thank you for pointing it out.

IslaWinds · 10/10/2023 13:49

Blough · 10/10/2023 13:28

OP if this is the same man you posted a thread about a year ago, where all the replies said ‘run’ due to his behaviour, you have no business moving him into your child’s home. Shocking.

Ah, thank you as I hesitated writing my post but first 3 months of grooming is usually very mild stuff that if you told someone about they’d probably tell you that you are being silly. Especially if that someone is in love and can’t bear to hear anything negative.

Like a hug that goes a bit too long, or a touch on the arm that gets too close to your chest, or sniffing you, or leering looks, or an accidental opening of bathroom door, or comments on how you are ‘growing up’ or even watching a TV show with characters your age and commenting on how ‘hot’ they are…while side eyeing you.

Jellycats4life · 10/10/2023 14:05

excelledyourself · 10/10/2023 13:45

True. But it's also poor form for OP to write a bullshit backstory to try and make her behaviour look reasonable and sway the replies in her favour.

Thank you for pointing it out.

Show quote history

Yes, thanks for pointing that out @Blough. What a disaster.

Another thread says she’d dipped a toe into online dating in Aug 2022. So if it’s the same bloke, she’s moved him in after less than a year of dating (if he moved in three months ago) and not the two years she claims in the OP.

SoySaucePls · 10/10/2023 14:49

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

EvergreenGoddess · 10/10/2023 15:23

In the OPs other thread she talks about this man being really insecure and being high maintenance.

Maybe it’s not so much he’s being inappropriate but her DD thought he was a nice guy, as her mum described him on other thread, but he’s turning out to be stressful to live with and that’s why her DD hates him being there.

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 16:08

There are many inconsistencies in the ops story but she only met this guy in August 22

Tryingmybestadhd · 10/10/2023 17:10

IslaWinds · 10/10/2023 12:46

DD is 14, me and her dad separated 4 years ago and I have been with new DP for 2 years and he moved in about 3 months ago. I spoke to DD about this several times before it happened and each time got a very dismissive response, ‘I don’t mind if he moves in’, ‘it doesn’t change my life etc’ however a couple of weeks after she told me she hated him living with us, I listened to all her concerns (no actual reason why) she just didn’t like it and since then she seemed to have felt heard and things were massively improving, she was joining in with us, laughing and smiling again etc my DP has a 6 yr old and DD has really taken to her and enjoyed spending time with her. I thought it was all working out brilliantly, until last night she asks to talk to me privately (I/ We have always made space for this) and she said that she hates my DP being in the house etc, again after a long chat no real reason for this

This is really really concerning. She went into your DP moving in with a positive attitude and she has tried very hard to be positive, by connecting with his DD and participating in family life.

But now she is confiding in you and saying she hates your DP being in the house. This can only mean that it has affected her life and negatively.

The fact she will not or cannot confide in you the exact reasons for going from ambivalence to hating your DP in only 3 months is a red flag the size of a football field indicating possible inappropriate behaviour by your DP towards her.

I really would have him move out at this point. You should not move him back in until she is an adult and has moved out.

Wow 😮 you jumped into abuse from this ? Wow talk about being exaggerated .

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/10/2023 19:28

I don't blame her for not wanting to live with a man now. Her life has changed to a massive extent. It sounds as though she was very happy when it was just the two of you and now she feels she wants to go back to that. Personally I would arrange that. It's heartbreaking to think of her spending the next few years unhappy at home. You can still keep the relationship going but just not have him living there.

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