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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DD still upset about new families

149 replies

Priorityguineapig · 10/10/2023 07:51

DD is 14, me and her dad separated 4 years ago and I have been with new DP for 2 years and he moved in about 3 months ago. I spoke to DD about this several times before it happened and each time got a very dismissive response, ‘I don’t mind if he moves in’, ‘it doesn’t change my life etc’ however a couple of weeks after she told me she hated him living with us, I listened to all her concerns (no actual reason why) she just didn’t like it and since then she seemed to have felt heard and things were massively improving, she was joining in with us, laughing and smiling again etc my DP has a 6 yr old and DD has really taken to her and enjoyed spending time with her. I thought it was all working out brilliantly, until last night she asks to talk to me privately (I/ We have always made space for this) and she said that she hates my DP being in the house etc, again after a long chat no real reason for this.

Her dad has been with his new girlfriend about 18 months and is moving in with her, he sees her once every 2 weeks and she doesn’t report any issues with this.

She is safe, loved, doesn’t want for anything, we run around after her all the time, recently decorated her bedroom, planning holidays, we have her friends round but she just doesn’t like my DP being here. She is clear that she doesn’t have an issues with him generally but she just doesn’t want him here.

Part of me is really worried DD is desperately unhappy with the current circumstances and this will affect her and I’m considering saying DP may have to move out, but part of me thinks that many many children are part of split families and they have to get on with that to a degree.

What is the best way forward?!

OP posts:
Labradoodlie · 10/10/2023 07:54

part of me thinks that many many children are part of split families and they have to get on with that to a degree.

That’s devastatingly sad. The children didn’t cause the split. Compounding that sadness with the idea that they ‘have to get on with’ living with an entirely different man is horribly unfair on them.

Saggypants · 10/10/2023 08:01

She's 14, what did you expect?!

Pigeonqueen · 10/10/2023 08:03

I think really you should have stayed living separately from your dh until your dd was either off to university or living more independently. Early to mid teens is a really difficult time for them.

ASCCM · 10/10/2023 08:03

The best way forward here is to keep going. Essentially she just doesn’t like not being the centre of attention and if she can’t give you any actual reason apart from ‘she doesn’t like it’ then nothing is going to change.

im sure she’ll get over it, it is a big change but She can’t dictate your whole life , you’re doing your best but sometimes it needs to be about you too, and you obviously want to be with your partner and why shouldn’t you.

If she started giving you robust and significant reasons , then I’d review but just now I’d give it time

CurlewKate · 10/10/2023 08:04

There are phrases that always make an alarm ring in my head. "Running around after" is one. I always wonder whether it means "looking after a teenager and resenting it"

GrazingSheep · 10/10/2023 08:05

I think you should have waited longer.

Robinbuildsbears · 10/10/2023 08:05

Even if your new partner is perfectly lovely and hasn't done anything wrong, a teenage girl is obviously going to be uncomfortable living with a grown man who isn't related to her. Her instincts will be constantly screaming at her that this isn't a safe place to live, even if everyone knows he wouldn't do anything to harm her.

Pottomous2 · 10/10/2023 08:08

I am alway surprised by responses on mumsnet. You sound lovely and caring op, but it is important you consider your DDs feelings alongside your own. Our children grow up and live their own lives- you have to have your own life. You separated 4 years ago - that is quite a gap to have a relationship, you have a right to be happy and dd can at 14 understand that.

LittleOwl153 · 10/10/2023 08:08

If your 14 Yr old is anything like mine, there is a truckload of hormones and stuch things banging around in her anyway without adding new people to her life.

My dd currently hates her dad for 'no reason' and would happily kick him out... hoping its just a phase!

Not sure that helps you - but just thinking there is likely mote to it than 'just' a step parent moving in!

Runninghappy · 10/10/2023 08:10

This is really sad. I have a 14.5 year old daughter and would love nothing more than my DP to move in, but if I were a teenage girl, no way would I want a man who wasn’t my dad moving in. We’ve both agreed we need to wait until she’s an adult. Her home is her safe space, and whilst I’m not for one moment suggesting she’s not safe around him, she can’t wander around in little shorts at bedtime, run out of the shower in her towel or whatever she might normally do as a teenage girl. It’s really not that long to wait until she is off doing her own thing.

Candleabra · 10/10/2023 08:10

probably an unpopular opinion but I don’t think it’s reasonable to bring a man to live with a child, especially a teenager
She must be feeling very unsettled, especially as her dads house will have someone new in it too.
It’s good she feels comfortable to talk to you about it. I would rethink the living arrangements. Her home needs to be a safe haven she can relax in.

MidnightOnceMore · 10/10/2023 08:11

It has only been three-months and your DD had no say in the matter.

The way she feels is entirely understandable - how would you feel if your DD moved a boyfriend in without your input?

I don't know what you do now, because you are where you are, but I do agree it might have been better to wait as this is the worst age really. I wouldn't rule out living separately again for a while.

SoupDragon · 10/10/2023 08:11

How would you feel if a stranger moved into your safe home space?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 10/10/2023 08:13

Poor kid. It's hard enough being a teenager without having to deal with stuff like this.

I get that it's tough for you as a single parent too, OP, and that you want to be with your DP. However, I think that blended families are almost always in the best interests of the adults at the expense of what's best for the children, and personally, I feel that it's better to put the kids first.

With hindsight, perhaps it would have been better for you and your DP to wait a few years before moving in with each other, but you are where you are now. In your situation, I would keep talking to dd and seriously consider saying to your DP that it isn't working and asking him to move out. I wouldn't rush to that conclusion though, because your dd could end up feeling really guilty in that scenario. The chopping and changing would also be very unsettling for his young dc.

SpareHeirOverThere · 10/10/2023 08:14

Going from living with Mum, just the two of you, for 4 years, to a household of 4 including a grown man and a 6-year-old... that was always going to change her life. It's a massive change.

I can well understand why she does not like it. They have moved into her home, and it was not her choice. She has to share you. She has to share her space. She has to accommodate a much younger child and a man she's not too sure about.

I understand why you think it's unfair that Dad gets away with moving in with his girlfriend, so why can't you do the same. But you know very well why that's different for your dd. It's not comparable.

It's not helpful to say you should have seen this coming, as the deed is done and undoing it may not be easy. Or possible without destroying your relationship with dp.

He should not have moved in. But he did. Dd does not want to live with him. But she has to.

She may get used to him. Could happen. She could also end up burning with resentment.

user1492757084 · 10/10/2023 08:16

Do you need to designate more of the house to be your daughter's private space? ie ..
A shelf in the fridge.
A time for the bathroom (or her own bathroom)
A regular time where it will just be you and her at home.

Does your partner need to be less conspicuous in the house?
His laundry kept in his room or him not eating every single meal with DD?

It is tricky because you deserve your own life too.
Keep talking and listening.
What does your daughter say if you ask if she would like him to go? She might say, "No, but I'm not totally comfortable."

TomatoSandwiches · 10/10/2023 08:16

She has none of these lovely bubbly feelings for him like you do, he is an unrelated male living in her home where she should feel safe and comfortable.
Imagine and vague acquaintance moving in now and being there constantly and having no authority over him.

Doesn't sound like a situation you would feel comfortable with does it.

You don't NEED to live with your partner and if she is being mature enough to come and speak about it with you then respect that this is her true feelings and ask him to move out, it's your responsibility as her mother to make sure she feels comfortable at home and she doesn't right now.

sunlovingcriminal · 10/10/2023 08:20

I'm with @Pottomous2 & @LittleOwl153
Not popular opinions on MN, but agree that you need to be able to move on too, and lots of these issues would occur in other "non-separated" households. I went through a period of not being able to stand my own father when I was a teen. No one suggested me and my mum move out to compensate.

Yes it's a change. Carry on talking to her, making time for just you and her, and doing nice things either with the three, or four of you. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water and bolt- give it a bit of time and see if she can adapt.

romdowa · 10/10/2023 08:21

Tbh I think both your dd parents are crazy moving in with other people after 2 years / 18 months. Your dd isn't happy with your arrangement and if it was me I'd be telling dp it's not working and he needs to move back out

Cassieno · 10/10/2023 08:21

My mum got together with my stepfather when I was technically an adult and I never felt comfortable with him staying or staying with them later on, when we lived separately. I know that is totally unreasonable and he was a kind loving man.

It’s difficult to explain - it’s just different and the relationship and how the household is organised changes in subtle ways.

I think that you have the right to live your life with a partner and she will just have to accept that things change. You can’t just put your life on hold.

EvergreenGoddess · 10/10/2023 08:24

but part of me thinks that many many children are part of split families and they have to get on with that to a degree.

Yes, they do “have to get on with it”, because they aren’t old enough to look after themselves, pay their own way, and have independence. They are stuck with it, and can’t do anything about it. They are trapped.

As a 14 year old child, I’d absolutely hate it if a man, who wasn’t my dad or brother, came to live in my house. Why does she need to explain herself?

You sound resentful that you do things for her and she’s not playing happy families.

TheaBrandt · 10/10/2023 08:24

A shame you didnt wait until she was 16. Big leap in development and they more absorbed in their own lives college / a levels / more social and just that crucial bit older. 14 probably the worst possible age to do this.

LargeSquareRock · 10/10/2023 08:28

I think it was very unfair to ask her about letting your DP move in. She loves you and wants you to be happy but wouldn’t have had a clue what living with an unrelated male can be like. She might feel trapped now- unable to backtrack from her initial neutrality. This was an adult decision that you should have owned outright. I personally would have waited till she was older.

She won’t be able to articulate why she doesn’t like it because she either can’t put it into words or she doesn’t want to offend you or your DP. When I was a teenager, my uncles came and stayed for a couple of months. I loved them and they were (and still are) lovely kind men. It was miserable though- always terrified of being walked in on in the shower or the toilet, always closing the curtains when changing in case they were walking past my window, never being able to do nudie runs from shower to bedroom or lounge around on the couch in undies. I remember it being a deeply uncomfortable time but it had a time limit so I sucked it up. it’s permanent for your daughter who is at the worst age for this kind of life upheaval.

Quartz2208 · 10/10/2023 08:32

Runninghappy · 10/10/2023 08:10

This is really sad. I have a 14.5 year old daughter and would love nothing more than my DP to move in, but if I were a teenage girl, no way would I want a man who wasn’t my dad moving in. We’ve both agreed we need to wait until she’s an adult. Her home is her safe space, and whilst I’m not for one moment suggesting she’s not safe around him, she can’t wander around in little shorts at bedtime, run out of the shower in her towel or whatever she might normally do as a teenage girl. It’s really not that long to wait until she is off doing her own thing.

This she can’t articulate it because it is hard to say that even though she knows that the likelihood is that he is safe because she trusts you he is still a man she hasn’t known for a long time at all coming into her safe space. It changes what she can and can’t do - friends as well may no longer feel comfortable

I would maybe back off from moving in until she has done her own thing

Zwicky · 10/10/2023 08:33

She is clear that she doesn’t have an issues with him generally but she just doesn’t want him here

Honestly I think this is fair enough. It’s your boyfriend, not hers. She didn’t pick him and she shouldn’t have to have an actual issue with him to not want him in her home all the time. I imagine you have plenty of male acquaintances in your life who you have no issue with but still wouldn’t want them in up your home, in a position of authority over you, even if someone did decorate your bedroom. You are entitled to a “life” after your separation from her dad but you are not entitled to make choices that impact your dd to this degree without her having her own feelings about that. Moving a man into her home was never going to be a positive thing for her, just because it is for you. It’s up to you to decide wether the positives for you are worth the negatives for her. Lots of dc do have to just “get on with it” as you say.