DD still upset about new families

[Priorityguineapig]

DD is 14, me and her dad separated 4 years ago and I have been with new DP for 2 years and he moved in about 3 months ago. I spoke to DD about this several times before it happened and each time got a very dismissive response, ‘I don’t mind if he moves in’, ‘it doesn’t change my life etc’ however a couple of weeks after she told me she hated him living with us, I listened to all her concerns (no actual reason why) she just didn’t like it and since then she seemed to have felt heard and things were massively improving, she was joining in with us, laughing and smiling again etc my DP has a 6 yr old and DD has really taken to her and enjoyed spending time with her. I thought it was all working out brilliantly, until last night she asks to talk to me privately (I/ We have always made space for this) and she said that she hates my DP being in the house etc, again after a long chat no real reason for this.

Her dad has been with his new girlfriend about 18 months and is moving in with her, he sees her once every 2 weeks and she doesn’t report any issues with this.

She is safe, loved, doesn’t want for anything, we run around after her all the time, recently decorated her bedroom, planning holidays, we have her friends round but she just doesn’t like my DP being here. She is clear that she doesn’t have an issues with him generally but she just doesn’t want him here.

Part of me is really worried DD is desperately unhappy with the current circumstances and this will affect her and I’m considering saying DP may have to move out, but part of me thinks that many many children are part of split families and they have to get on with that to a degree.

What is the best way forward?!

Her mum can still be in a relationship if they maintain two separate households. Personally, that is what I would do.

My mother moved in her boyfriend when I was 14. I said I didn't mind. I did. Having a strange man in the house, in the bathroom, in my bedroom (shudder). I had lots of mental health problems in adult life and I'm now NC with her. Being a teenage girl is really, really hard. It's not helped by parents who don't put your wellbeing first.

I am a child of a blended family. I did not realise it back then but I am now aware of the fact that having male people I wasn´t related to / didn´t grow up with as permanent presence in my living space was mentally draining.

I was a teenager and we moved in with my mum´s boyfriend and his two sons (my age, two years older).

I never would have said it back then, I was just so thrilled to see my mother happy. And that genuinely made me happy. I also liked her boyfriend.
But that happiness came at a fairly significant cost (for me).

I strongly agree with this.

I am not NC btw (but my younger sister is).

You think 2 people that live together and wanted to go back to ring separate at a whim ? Right , if my partner told né he now wanted to be alone o would leave him and honest if this man did the same I would understand why . Relationships are suposed to progress , not go backwards so most people would see it as a deal breaker .
have you been in this situation ? No then you don’t know what you would do

Does she realise how you feel , does she know that if he left you would be alone ? At 14 no teen is ever happy , she had your full attention and now she doesn’t , but the reality is if he leaves your relationship will probably break and your daughter will not be ok with you being miserable either

This is an awful take. A 14 year old girl is not responsible for her mother’s happiness and love life and guilt trips should never come into it.

They could have carried on their relationship perfectly well in separate homes, but the lure of saving money on bills/sex on tap was too much.

And yes, I bring up sex because the idea of one’s mother having sex with her new man will be absolutely mortifying for a girl in her early teens, quite aside from all the other issues already mentioned.

Nothing OP has written implies the DD is having a "strop" or used to be centre of attention. She's not dictating anything.

OP mentions no rude behaviour, no irrational reasons given, no tantrums, blow ups, or being nasty about the boyfriend. Just that her DD had voiced that she doesn't like having him there. That's perfectly reasonable. She's 14 and maybe can't articulate or even understand what it is that she is uncomfortable with. That doesn't mean she doesn't feel that way or that she should just "get over it".

It’s a huge change for her and at 14, there’s a lot of change happening as it is. I think regardless, she wouldn’t be happy with someone else in her space. Teenagers are territorial! She’s not only having to share your time, but her space too.

But then you can’t put your entire life on hold until your daughter is independent. That could be 18 or it could be 26!

I live in a blended situation. Is it perfect? No. It can be hard, the kids can be hostile and I sometimes feel so relieved when they go back to their Mums. It’s taken a few years for us to all be comfortable with eachother and there have been huge bumps in the road (especially when my SD hit 14!) I didn’t come with children and my DH didn’t move me into a family home. We started a home from scratch - neutral territory.

I appreciate my situation is different, as the kids aren’t here full time. But what I did and do, is make sure I’m not here all the time when they are. Is your DP able to take up a new hobby or activity that gets him out of the house a couple of times a week? Does your daughter have her own space that’s just for her? Also spending one on one time with her, without him and his child will help. She needs to feel that she’s still your priority and number one and that home is still her safe place.

Sorry, but you can't speak for me, and I do know what I would do.

Firstly, the situation simply wouldn't arise that I would be living with a new partner and then ask them to move out because I would never have moved them in in the first place.

Secondly, if I had a partner who wanted to walk away because I needed to prioritise the wellbeing of my child, I would conclude that the relationship obviously wasn't strong enough/ wasn't worth it.

Finally, I am not scared of being alone. I like my own company and have never felt the need to be in a relationship. If I felt that I had to stay single for the sake of my dd's wellbeing, then it would be a no brainer to do that.

I accept that others really don't like being alone and/or might struggle financially without a partner etc. Like I say, I'm not judging the decisions that others make, but I do absolutely know that I wouldn't make those decisions for myself.

To all intents and purposes you have said this relationship is a very healthy one. If that is true then you do not need to let your child dictate your life.

Your child is probably jealous of the time you spend with your partner. She doesn’t hate him she just doesn’t want him to live there which in my opinion she is far too young to be making such decisions for you.

She might also react badly when her fathers girlfriend moves in.

This is just how life goes. Her life sounds pretty good to me. And the way teen girls operate if it wasn’t this she’d find something else to complain about.

Personally I’d spend more time alone with her through the week.

If she brings it up again then you could maybe say that you feel that although it’s not perfect as he isn’t her dad that it was time for you to move on - same as dad is doing?

I feel for your BF I’d never ever live with someone else’s teenager 🤣🤣 I mean they are torturous!

I was 14 when my mum moved her new boyfriend in.
I acted fine because I had to.

I felt forgotten, unloved and cast aside.

I am 50 now, would NEVER do this to my kids. It’s a devastating fracture of the parental bond and feeling of safely in the home. Even if the man is ok.

You think it's a happy home, who knows what the kids really think?

At least I should say, for me and my siblings that is how it was.

My mum is still with my stepdad. She would definitely say it all worked out brilliantly. We all basically lost our safe place in early teen years and it has had a lifelong impact on my emotional well-being.

She’s told you she’s not happy, twice. Are you going to ignore her again?

@MyBedIsMySpiritualHome

So because your mum found happiness it resulted in you feeling cast aside and unloved?

How? When you look back are you saying your mother did cast you aside?

Or you just felt upset because of the changes?

How would you feel if you had to live with an other adult you could not choose?

Imagine a senior male (opposite sex) colleague living with you.
He will be using your bathroom. He will probably be in the kitchen when you wake up. He will eat dinner with you. He´ll sit on the couch in the evening when you want to relax.
He may even wake you up in the morning and make sure you arrive to work on time.
Or that you do your job properly. He will have some opinions about how you / your family should live, act, eat etc. And you will be expected to adjust to these expectations and compromise.

Is that something you would choose? Something you would
And now imagine how that might feel as a teenager.

No.

Because there had just been a huge upheaval in all our lives (divorce, house moves), and because my mum was completely distracted from us by her new romance, and because I was a teenage girl with a visceral unease at an unfamiliar grown man in my home, and because it was made so clear that our comfort was at the bottom of the list.

You may choose differently for your family. For mine I want them to know they come first.

Why does moving on have to mean moving in? You can live separately there's no law saying you have to live together after a set time.
The only positive people here are the adults in said relationships, the majority of negatives are from people that were in your daughters position.
You should really take notice of that.

It's an unfortunate age for this, isn't it?

She's too old to view your partner as a step-father, but too young to be able to deal maturely with having an unrelated adult, especially a male one, living in her space. It might be easier if she was younger and he was naturally going to assume more of a 'parental' role over time, but they're essentially acquaintances who awkwardly chat at times and he has no real authority over her or caring role in relation to her. I would find it draining to have to deal with someone like this in my personal space the whole time, asking me questions I didn't really want to answer and making small talk with me.

It might also have been easier for her if she was older and, for example, had been away at uni/college sharing accommodation with other young adults, male and female, so she was used to sharing her space with strangers in a mature way and she had her own life separate from home to go back to.

Also, I imagine she's been at the age of wanting privacy for a long time, and now she's probably also at the age where she's starting to attract attention from males, including unwanted and not necessarily confined to her peers but maybe from adult men too. So she's starting to view men as a potential threat to her as well (which in fairness many will be).

Not sure what you do, but I can see her perspective.

have you been in this situation ? No then you don’t know what you would do

I’ve been a step child from mid teens. I absolutely hated that my dad made me play happy families with SM’s 3 DC. My dad used to tell me that I “was going whether I liked it or not”. I wanted my dad to be happy, so sucked it up. I hated every second I had to spend with them, and hated that I never got to spend time with my dad alone, she or they were always around.

Just after I got married, my DH was posted overseas, and I happily went, and stayed away for 15 years, enjoying the distance. Before I returned I had counselling about how I was going to deal with these relationships that made me feel trapped.

I’ve had lots of ups and downs with my DH, but I’d say the one thing that has kept me here is that I’d never inflict, and this word is appropriate, a step mother or step father on my kids.

Out of all the things that have happened to me, this is the one thing that’s done me the most damage.

Very well put, Pumpkin.

If I were your partner I would run like the wind. All it’s going to take is her to report the merest whiff of impropriety coming from his direction and he is absolutely fucked.

Get sone professional family therapy sessions