DD still upset about new families

[Priorityguineapig]

DD is 14, me and her dad separated 4 years ago and I have been with new DP for 2 years and he moved in about 3 months ago. I spoke to DD about this several times before it happened and each time got a very dismissive response, ‘I don’t mind if he moves in’, ‘it doesn’t change my life etc’ however a couple of weeks after she told me she hated him living with us, I listened to all her concerns (no actual reason why) she just didn’t like it and since then she seemed to have felt heard and things were massively improving, she was joining in with us, laughing and smiling again etc my DP has a 6 yr old and DD has really taken to her and enjoyed spending time with her. I thought it was all working out brilliantly, until last night she asks to talk to me privately (I/ We have always made space for this) and she said that she hates my DP being in the house etc, again after a long chat no real reason for this.

Her dad has been with his new girlfriend about 18 months and is moving in with her, he sees her once every 2 weeks and she doesn’t report any issues with this.

She is safe, loved, doesn’t want for anything, we run around after her all the time, recently decorated her bedroom, planning holidays, we have her friends round but she just doesn’t like my DP being here. She is clear that she doesn’t have an issues with him generally but she just doesn’t want him here.

Part of me is really worried DD is desperately unhappy with the current circumstances and this will affect her and I’m considering saying DP may have to move out, but part of me thinks that many many children are part of split families and they have to get on with that to a degree.

What is the best way forward?!

Think back to being 14 op, and all those bodily and hormonal changes you were going though. It’s a weird part of life, and having some randomer of the opposite sex suddenly living in your home won’t make things any easier. As someone else said, where before she might have felt perfectly comfortable nipping to the loo for a pee, or the kitchen for a glass of water in the morning in just a t shirt and undies in front of her mum or dad, now she can’t do that comfortably as there’s a strange man in the house. Knowing him, and having him in the safety of her own home are two very different things that she is just realising now it’s happened.

She clearly likes the man, or she would have objected to the idea of it, but has realised it’s greatly different to what she imagined.

I think that 14 is an age where this is much more likely to go wrong. Once she's 18 and off to uni or working, she'd have the proper choice to live elsewhere.

She couldn't really answer the question about living with mom's bf because of a lack of life experience. Some things were inevitably going to change because of 2 extra people living there (one is a child so equally important to dd) and all of the stuff doesn't really compensate.

Blending families is really for the benefit of the adults with some minor benefits for the kids like parents having more disposable money. Dd isn't saying don't date to her parents so is getting on with the split imo. Her dad gets a pass with regards to moving in with his partner because dd sees him so little. With time, his partner will probably annoy her too- especially if they have further children.

Your mind is blown because some people think that a child's feelings about her own home are worthy of respect and consideration?

Put your daughter first. A teenage girl is never going to feel completely comfortable at home with another adult male living there. These posts always make me so sad :(

You've done nothing wrong. Just keep doing what you're doing. Communicate with her. You're allowed to move on x

This is really sad.
May I ask OP, how involved is your partner in parenting her ?
I suppose she feels like he's been forced into her living space now. I can understand it somewhat..

I know. When you think of all they've been put through.

This girl is getting the message loud and clear that catering to a man outweighs all other considerations, and that her feelings and well-being don't matter.

These posts also make me feel sad as there can be a lot of positives for blended families that get overlooked on these boards.

I live in a really happy home with my ds and dss's.

My partner and me and our kids have a great life, we model a healthy relationship for our children- and the kids by and large get on great. My dp is kind to me and the boys, and is another really influential adult in my ds's life. Occasional issues like there would be in any household- but we work through them and hopefully by doing so teach our kids resilience and understanding, and cooperation.

I feel like single parents on mn are vilified if they try and start a life with someone (and yes, sometimes we want to live with someone else- god forbid!). I don't want to wear a hair shirt and mourn my old life, and seemingly be grateful for the limited time and money my exH is willing to give (which mn also seems to preach), I wanted to live with my dp. I love him!

It doesn't have to be that the single mum wins (by moving in new with new partner), and someone loses (the children). Hopefully you can get to a place whereby everyone wins- but you may need to help your dd on that journey. Keep communicating with her. I really hope you can all get over the teething phase and all be happy.

Not a popular opinion as I say, but I hold it!

Your daughter is old enough to start leaning how to handle difficult situations in life. Of course it's your responsibility to make sure that it's an absolutely safe environment. Otherwise just be there to support her adjust. We all have terrible roommates, coworkers, partners even at times to deal with. You'll see a lot fewer posts in MN if we all started learning how to navigate through these situations earlier.

Just to make you aware teenagers even in nuclear families sometimes go through phases of not likening one or both adults in their lives All you can do is what you are doing and speak to her with her concerns and if there are any then address them

The OP hasn't rushed into it but I'd still have waited until DD was more independent. Though I'd probably rather keep it as two separate homes anyway.

As though she hasn't had difficulties enough the past four years, she now has to share a home with a strange man? To toughen her up?

Ffs.

I think the thing that often strikes me on these threads is that parents in blended families are often very quick to tell us how well they work and how happy their households are. I'm sure that this is true in many cases. However, posters who have grown up as the children in blended families often tell a very different story, and that gives me pause for thought.

I do have sympathy with single parents and understand them wanting to move on with their lives. Personally, though, if I had ever been in that situation, I am very clear that I would have waited until my dd was an adult before moving in with a new partner. I just wouldn't have been prepared to take the risk.

I'm in my 50's and couldn't even begin to tell you damaging it was for me to be in your DD's position. That was after my DM in relationship for years before moving in. Her privacy has gone, her sense of who she is, her core needs being met differently. Honestly I'd repair now by having alot of 1-1 time with her, ask her opinions, stop trying to force things. You have foisted a stranger and his family onto her. It's really difficult and she deserved better. It's you that makes the decisions not your partner and you need to get ahead of this. Why is she unhappy around him or is it just she feels her home and safe space has gone.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I do agree that I can only talk from my step parent/blended family position as an adult, as I am not a child of a blended family. So I can only call it as I see it in my household.

However equally, lots of posts here seem to be from non-single parents who say what they "would have done" / "would do" if they had been in a single parent position.

Regardless I do stand by my position that not every blended family is a miserable cesspit of doom! Believe my post or not- my blended family is pretty happy- and I would say comparably happy to "normal" families.

This happened in my family when I was 14. I felt the same way as your daughter. It was hard, uncomfortable and awkward.

It may be slightly different in my case as my mother stopped spending any time alone with me and my sister and instead it was all done together with my new stepfather and his son who had also moved in.

I look back now and remember how awful it was. Yes, you need and deserve to be happy. But if I found myself in similar circumstances in the future I'd wait until my kids were older.

@sunlovingcriminal this may be the case for you, but I'm sure you worked at it. It sounds like your DP is active in DS's life.

I also think the younger the better with these blended families. Teenage years are always going to be difficult times to do it, and the gains seem less. It's not exactly wearing a hair shirt to wait four years.

Why does op have a 'right to be happy' if it is at the expense of her dd's happiness

I do believe you, and I'm happy that that's the case. But I also know of many situations where the kids in blended families are not happy, whether or not their parents acknowledge that.

And yes, I am guilty of saying what I would have done if I had been a single parent when I am in fact happily married. I accept that I have never been in the position of a single mum, but I can honestly say with absolute certainty that I would not have put myself in the position of moving a new man in with my teenage daughter. I know of too many awful stories where it really hasn't worked out for the kids to have risked it. I accept that others make different choices and I don't judge them for that. However, I do know my own boundaries and that would absolutely be one that I would not ever have crossed.

How much time had she actually spent with this man before you moved him in?
I feel really sorry for her, I wouldn’t want a practically unknown man moving into my house eg. a dc’s boyfriend, who i barely knew.

You need a lot longer so she gets used to it . You also need to speak openly with her . Does she realise how you feel , does she know that if he left you would be alone ? At 14 no teen is ever happy , she had your full attention and now she doesn’t , but the reality is if he leaves your relationship will probably break and your daughter will not be ok with you being miserable either . Took my oldest son a long time to feel my partner was a part of our family and now over 3 years on they absolutely accept him and are happy . Give it time , be honest with her .

Her dad has been with his new girlfriend about 18 months and is moving in with her, he sees her once every 2 weeks and she doesn’t report any issues with this.

Well, that obviously has much less of an impact on her life. It is therefore not comparable. That may feel unfair but that is still the reality.

And the girlfriend is a woman. That may matter.

How would you feel if you suddently had to share your space with a male house guess? especially one who - in regards to dynamics - is in a position of power?

would you feel relaxed if you had to live with one of your male (but let´s be honest, also female) colleagues? Or your boss?
Your DD did not choose him. And unlike you she isn´t in love with him.
So why would she want him there?

It is great that your DD was comfortable sharing this with you. Do not make her feel ashamed or show her that this upsets you. She may pick up on that and try to hide her feeling (people pleasing etc)!

Merging families after two years (especially with a teenager) was very soon- Probably too soon IMO.

I think this is it.
I have SC (grown up and left home now) and whilst we all got along perfectly well I just felt more relaxed and 'at home' when they left.
Their Mum also remarried.
I do think it's hard on kids to always have their parents partners around. If both parents have moved on the kids never get to be at home without the third wheel of the girlfriend/boyfriend etc.
If living apart isn't an option -for whatever reason, I think that the parent needs to make time for their children that doesn't include their partners. Maybe hobbies or trips away.
However well you get along, it's impinging on the privacy and home and needs to be carefully handled.

Do you ralou think her DD realises her mum being alone will also be miserable to her in a way ? Because at 14 they don’t think about repercussions and even if they break up and he leaves , thinks will never be the same again , change takes time , doesn’t mean it’s bad

@Priorityguineapig well this has been a pile on for you !
Look there's a couple of factors at play here.

1. She's a teen, with hormones all over the place and feeling emotional at the best of times. She may just not like him at the moment and that's kind of normal. The great thing is you have a good relationship with her and she is talking to you. This is absolutely brilliant OP and well done
2. Her dad is now moving in his gf and that may be calling it all into question again for her. She may feel like everyone is changing the household setup and that feels unsettling at a time when you already feel unsettled about changes that are happening to your body and friends etc

So I think sit down with her and discuss some options. Would it be helpful if your DP left the house every Saturday afternoon to just create some space for her. Was there a thing you used to do with her that you could start again without him eg cinema or something? See if you can find something to offer her that would acknowledge the change that is happening and then offer to review in a few weeks and see if things are any better. It's early days so if you can get her to agree to give it a bit more time and then review with an open mind. Acknowledge that it is a big change for her too. Good luck