DD still upset about new families

[Priorityguineapig]

DD is 14, me and her dad separated 4 years ago and I have been with new DP for 2 years and he moved in about 3 months ago. I spoke to DD about this several times before it happened and each time got a very dismissive response, ‘I don’t mind if he moves in’, ‘it doesn’t change my life etc’ however a couple of weeks after she told me she hated him living with us, I listened to all her concerns (no actual reason why) she just didn’t like it and since then she seemed to have felt heard and things were massively improving, she was joining in with us, laughing and smiling again etc my DP has a 6 yr old and DD has really taken to her and enjoyed spending time with her. I thought it was all working out brilliantly, until last night she asks to talk to me privately (I/ We have always made space for this) and she said that she hates my DP being in the house etc, again after a long chat no real reason for this.

Her dad has been with his new girlfriend about 18 months and is moving in with her, he sees her once every 2 weeks and she doesn’t report any issues with this.

She is safe, loved, doesn’t want for anything, we run around after her all the time, recently decorated her bedroom, planning holidays, we have her friends round but she just doesn’t like my DP being here. She is clear that she doesn’t have an issues with him generally but she just doesn’t want him here.

Part of me is really worried DD is desperately unhappy with the current circumstances and this will affect her and I’m considering saying DP may have to move out, but part of me thinks that many many children are part of split families and they have to get on with that to a degree.

What is the best way forward?!

Agree. Why did you choose to bring him under your roof?

This.

You rushed into a new relationship and now are forcing her into a blended family at a very vulnerable time in her life. What was the big hurry?? Smh.

Well the dynamic has shifted. When I was 14 I would have wandered around in my undies, not checked the bathroom door was locked. Showered with the door open. Because it's my mum and I'm comfortable with her seeing that when I was young.

Now you have a strange bloke there like it or not it's massively changed her home life. Not surprised she doesn't like it.

This thread has absolutely astounded me, I cannot believe how many people would let a teenager ( who was asked and has no reasons to no like it apart from she’s having a teenage strop ) dictate who lives where after only giving it 3 months!

My children have never had this kind of control over my life and Break up or no break up, why on earth should they?!

Bloody hell if we all lived according to MN , we’d all be alone and miserable when the dear amazing incredible life sucking children leave home!!

OP I genuinely believe time will make this better ( I have 2 DD and 2SDD of the same age group) please don’t make any rash decisions, what next, she’ll decide she doesn’t like your house ( for no reason) but you have to move?!?

Honestly, mind blown here.

Really? You think it’s fine to move a man in with your mid teen daughter? I really don’t.

Yeah. I did it. His ex moved their teenage daughters into her ( new partners) house.

the OP has been divorced like 4 years and with DP 2, this isn’t rushed!

OP is allowed a life , daughter is trying to control. ( usually Mn does not like controllers)

Well I can see why you think that you have an agenda. Awful to automatically leap to the worst interpretation ie the problem is a “controlling” teen 🙄. Maybe a young teen girl at a sensitive age doesn’t want a great galumphing man in her space.

It’s not controlling. I have a life and am very happy, but childhoods are short and the children did not choose for their parents to separated. I wouldn’t feel the same if I had a younger child and may well decide to move a man in but teenage years are very difficult, especially for girls, and also very short. If it’s meant to be, adults can wait a few years to live together. I for one want my child to feel safe, happy and respected in their own home.

Ugh, I hated my mother bringing her boyfriends in to my home as a teenager, so uncomfortable having some random bloke making awkward small talk with me and feeling unsafe after an already horrific childhood.

The only reason to move an unrelated male in to your kids home is if it's in her best interests and prioritises her. If that's not the case, why not just date him outside of the house, no household drudgery or kids involved, just fun. Bit weird that a poster is 'mind blown' about people putting their kids before their sex life.

It’s not sex life! It’s a relationship and a person the OP clearly sees a future with!

this isn’t some guy she just met ( or lots of different guys coming and going!)

She is safe, loved, doesn’t want for anything

She doesn't feel safe, she doesn't feel loved (not more loved than your boyfriend, anyway) and she wants for something huge: her own comfort in her own home.

You chose your boyfriend, she didn't. Why should she have to live with him? How is that fair?

Also, why does she only see her father once every two weeks?

@ASCCM So? She can date him away from her child. There are no downsides to this.

I think you should listen to her and he should move out. I think all these blended families are a horrible disaster for the kids. Nicer for the parents though.

There is no way I would move an unrelated man into my house with teenagers, especially after only 2 years. I would have continued to live separately until the children are 18 and can choose whether they live there.

Childhood is short and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a parent to prioritise their children for a few years.

Excellent that you should come over to a board for stepparents with this attitude!

I'm sure the OP is really appreciating all these comments that she shouldn’t have moved him in at all and that her child doesn’t feel loved.

HELPFUL.

It's not about letting a teenager dictate, its about not moving unrelated men into your teenage girls home.

You've already fucked up their family, she has effectively lost her father, and then you meet some guy and decide he is to move in, and she has no choice at all in the matter. What kind of parent does that to their child who is not happy about it?

Yes, many kids have to get on with it, when their parents make choices that affect them. That's not a good thing. That just means lots of people are making shitty choices for their kids.

So the timeline from her perspective is:

2019 - parents split up
2020 & 2021 - lockdown, unsettling time for friends and education right at the end of primary early secondary school, trying to adjust to two households and Covid era,
2021 - mum and dad each get new partners, settle into secondary school post Covid era,
2023 - new partners in her own home now she's a mid teenager with all that entails.

It all sounds like she has had a rollercoaster few years emotionally, in addition to the complications of lockdowns etc. Have some empathy. This is her childhood.

She shouldn’t have to. And I am really starting to wonder why most of these posters are here when clearly actually it’s just to slag off anyone that’s tried to have a step family or blended family for being selfish and not putting the kid first. The OP comes across as very caring and considerate but that doesn’t mean everything has to revolve around her daughter.

Are we supposed to lie to her to make her feel better?

And why is it on step parents anyway? There is no step parent here.

The boyfriend is not a step parent. The majority of the thread disagrees with you. You haven't explained how the child.is being centred and prioritised by having some guy moved in to her home.

I think it’s all in your post. She said she didn’t mind because she didn’t think her life would change much. She also loves you, knows it’s what you wanted and wants you to be happy.

Now he’s moved in her life has actually changed loads. She doesn’t like it. That’s the reason. It’s not him, it’s having someone else living there.

Don't forget that dad has effectively abandoned her: he only sees her once a fortnight, and mum doesn't seem to see any issue at all with that.

@ASCCM OP dating the man away from her kid is obviously the best option. No drudgery, no unhappy kids dragged in to their parents love lives. Win win.
I say that as a former 'step child'. Reread the responses on the thread and consider the fact that your thoughts are not child centered.

I think this is to do with it.
Can you arrange very private spaces for her, lock on bedroom door. Can he use your bathroom and not the family one. There's also the possibility of you two having sex. Probably hard to get your head round at that age.

I don't understand this. Either the OP and her DP love each other and want to be together long term, or they don't. If they do, then why is waiting four years to move in together a big deal? They have their entire lives ahead of them, and they can still date and spend time together. I wouldn't let a teenager tell me he can't come round to dinner or share some of the family holidays. The OP and the DP are clearly in a rush to move in. Why? If it's fear that the relationship won't survive living apart for four years then it's not that strong a relationship and isn't worth disrupting your kids' teenage years over.

In other words you'd only be alone and miserable when the children leave home if you've made the mistake of picking a man who want a housekeeper and free childcare provider, rather than a life partner. A real loving relationship can survive the years living apart, and then you can move in together later on.

I wouldn't want to live with an unrelated man that I hadn't chosen. That's why I have always chosen female only houses in my flat sharing days. I would not want this now, and definitely not as a teenager. I think it's different when the kids are little and they grow up with stepparents, but at 14 I wouldn't do this.