Page 6 | Caring for step grandchild

Useronemillionandthree · 2023-09-06T02:28:40+00:00

My husband is retired, and I work two days a week. Recently my husband offered to look after his grand daughter on the three days a week when I’m home so his daughter can work. I don’t have any sort of relationship with his daughter, she barely speaks to me (nothing has happened, has always been like this). I was happy to do this for a few months as I felt it gave me some sort of connection with his family. But it’s starting to get a bit tiring, and I really resent his daughter coming into the house thanking her dad for looking after her child when all he has done is take the baby for a walk around the block. I don’t want to do it anymore, I can’t say no because I’m technically not the one caring for the child. I am thinking of changing my work days, but it will mean after one day of looking after the child my husband will probably find an excuse not to, or his daughter will change her days. I feel a bit trapped.

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Shinyandnew1 · 12/09/2023 08:10

I do think you should sort out with your husband the issue of him volunteering your time without discussion and the problem of him allowing his dd to be so rude.

This! They have both treated you appallingly.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/09/2023 10:49

PastelLilac · 12/09/2023 06:10

I get the impression that he wasn't really involved when his children were babies. I bet he just held them when they were asleep and then panicked when baby woke up before handing baby back to mum. I bet he never calmed a crying baby. Pathetic that he couldn't cope with a pooey nappy.

Next time you go out, put your phone on do not disturb. If he can't cope then he needs to ring his daughter. Don't rush home early. He's an adult who has had children, not a struggling teen who's a first time parent. Your step daughter sounds like an entitled brat.

This is a good point.

Both women were working, and the one whose workday he chose to disrupt was OP, not the child's mother. OP who wasn't even welcome to visit the baby when it was born.

Sounds as though the situation is resolved but I'd still want to address his lack of respect.

harriethoyle · 12/09/2023 12:26

LadyBird1973 · 12/09/2023 08:05

I'm glad this particular situation seems to be resolving itself, but I do think you should sort out with your husband the issue of him volunteering your time without discussion and the problem of him allowing his dd to be so rude. He shouldn't ignore this and just let it slide for an easier life. He owes you care and consideration. I'd want this ironed out, even if I'd managed not to let her attitude bother me too much - the principle of it is important

Yes I totally agree with this - I would lose all respect for my DH if he allowed my DSD to treat me like this. It's just not on.

MeridianB · 12/09/2023 13:11

Daleksatemyshed · 11/09/2023 19:02

After all these years of your DSD ignoring you I'm amazed your DH thinks you'll suck it up and help him out just so that he can look good to his Daughter. Has he never taken onboard the fact she ignores you or does he not care as long as she still comes to see him? It's one thing for an unhappy child to behave like this but she's a grown woman, she's supposed to be mature enough to be a parent in her own right and yet, here she is trying to blank you and make use of you at the same time. I can imagine her glaring at you, you've not only made her acknowledge you but you've shown her her DDad's failings at the same time.
Don't come home anymore Op, if your DH can't cope alone then that's on him. Without meaning to he's shown you how hands off a parent he really was, maybe if he'd tried a bit harder when he she was younger none of you would be in this position

I agree with @Daleksatemyshed You deserve better, OP.

JenniferBooth · 12/09/2023 15:49

@notquitesoyoung Good time for a reset? Why so the DSD can use the OP People always want a "reset" and to gaslight and rewrite history about their OWN poor behaviour when THEY want something. Why shouldnt the DSD reap what she has sown. Im bloody sick of seeing people get away with shit behaviour just because they are parents. If i was the OP (which i wouldnt be as im childfree by choice and wouldnt date someone with children even grown up children precisely because of this kind of scenario) i would be pointing out to the DSD that she cant care for her child very much if she is willing to leave her child with someone she hates,

MotherofTerriers · 12/09/2023 16:52

So your husband was happy to give up all your time and the moment he had to actually do some of the caring himself it became too much for him.
You deserve much better than this

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/09/2023 17:25

JenniferBooth · 12/09/2023 15:49

@notquitesoyoung Good time for a reset? Why so the DSD can use the OP People always want a "reset" and to gaslight and rewrite history about their OWN poor behaviour when THEY want something. Why shouldnt the DSD reap what she has sown. Im bloody sick of seeing people get away with shit behaviour just because they are parents. If i was the OP (which i wouldnt be as im childfree by choice and wouldnt date someone with children even grown up children precisely because of this kind of scenario) i would be pointing out to the DSD that she cant care for her child very much if she is willing to leave her child with someone she hates,

This x1000

Reset now that SD needs OP? No thanks.

Frankly I'd enjoy watching her reap what she's sown, were I the OP.

ohotoframe · 13/09/2023 07:22

Useronemillionandthree · 06/09/2023 08:07

She must be expecting that I am the one looking after her child. She was upset with me when I went out.

This could have been me that wrote this. I have same scenario - a SD that seems to actively hate me (I have no idea why/) but wants childcare.
In my case I stopped helping my husband as after each time we (I) looked after the child my DH would get a diatribe of all the things we'd done wrong in caring for SC. It was awful and I started to feel she would accuse me of harming the child. But she still kept bringing them every week.
In the end I stepped back and my DH didn't really cope on his own and eventually it fizzled out.
Very sad.

ohotoframe · 13/09/2023 11:51

JenniferBooth · 12/09/2023 15:49

@notquitesoyoung Good time for a reset? Why so the DSD can use the OP People always want a "reset" and to gaslight and rewrite history about their OWN poor behaviour when THEY want something. Why shouldnt the DSD reap what she has sown. Im bloody sick of seeing people get away with shit behaviour just because they are parents. If i was the OP (which i wouldnt be as im childfree by choice and wouldnt date someone with children even grown up children precisely because of this kind of scenario) i would be pointing out to the DSD that she cant care for her child very much if she is willing to leave her child with someone she hates,

Totally agree with this

billy1966 · 16/09/2023 22:44

Both your husband and his daughter sound absolutely awful.

Both happy to use you though.

I mean it kindly but you sound like a bit of a doormat who chose very poorly in your husband that he would allow you to be used and treated so poorly.

My friend was in a not dissimilar situation last year.
A step daughter who has been a cool distant person for 20+ years.
Not rude, but never warmed to my lovely friend.
My friend retired shortly after her husbands first grandchild arrived.

After about 4 months into her retirement her husband mentioned that his daughter had asked for "him" to mind the baby.

My friend was very calm and told him that it was his choice if he wanted to, but she had plans for her retirement and childcare was definitely not any part of it.

Her step daughter returned to teaching last September and my friend booked a serious of cheap holidays in the sun with anyone and everyone and was away more than she was home.

Her husband was stunned as he really thought she would just do it.

He was very upset.
After one month he told his daughter it was too much and he felt completely tied down.
Unfortunately she was unable to find alternative care easily so the arrangement went on for 6 more months with him doing 3 days a week rather than the 5.

My friend got into serious training to do a huge Camino walk for 3 weeks with a group of friends and this also took her away very regularly on short walking trips, long days out.

Her husband was very sore with her until she asked him would he like a divorce as she had zero intention of tolerating his efforts to guilt her about enjoying her retirement, and she really meant it.

The did some counselling and are finally doing better after a very rocky year.

My friend is very gentle but she has a steel core that he now has finally fully witnessed.
She will not be used.

She has actually said it was a bit of a blessing as it forced her to really look beyond her relationship in her retirement and that has been great.

OP, there may be more grandchildren to come, so being very firm now is in your own best interests.

JenniferBooth · 17/09/2023 16:47

Your friend sounds great billy

JenniferBooth · 17/09/2023 16:57

anotherstep hold your ground

FredWinnie · 18/09/2023 00:33

@billy1966

Seconded that your friend sounds great

(How dare her husband take umbrage?)

Isthisit22 · 20/09/2023 22:21

God what a depressing thread. How can you have any respect for a man who has had children but can’t even look after his own 8 month old grand daughter for a day? Pathetic.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 29/01/2024 12:58

Useronemillionandthree · 12/09/2023 03:59

I don’t disagree with any of you. But I came home because I was worried about the baby.
My husband really thought he could do it, and I’m sure he would get there he just needs a few pointers. But he now realises that he doesn’t want to give up all his time. Dsds mum is now caring for the baby until she finds an alternative.

I try not to get too upset over dsd. I think her mum has been in her ear and that’s why I am not part of her life.

OP you’ve been far too kind and helpful!

Your step daughter sounds like an ungrateful rude witch. I wouldn’t be lifting a finger for her or her child considering she ignores your existence. If she treats you like you don’t exist then you also get to treat her like she doesn’t exist. That means no childcare, no inheritance from you. She certainly wouldn’t be helping you if you needed it!

Your husband has been taking you for granted as well.

I’m glad she’s bundled her child onto her own mother, they can sort it out.

I’m so sorry you’ve been so badly treated.
Keep your own money, keep your job, go on your own holidays and take care of yourself OP.

ZekeZeke · 31/01/2024 19:38

OP was wondering how things are now?

Doubledenim305 · 07/05/2025 23:48

Just read this thread. Have similar situation and wondering OP how it all played out?

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 08/05/2025 00:08

I think your DH needs a solid talking to as well. She knows you were taking care of her kid and was still horrible to you. Absolutely taking advantage of your kindness and being entitled. I think he needs to ask that she is at the very least, courteous when she is in your home.

Clownsy · 12/05/2025 14:34

Doubledenim305 · 07/05/2025 23:48

Just read this thread. Have similar situation and wondering OP how it all played out?

My friend had similar as she retired.
She booked holidays away with fridnds, visited family, joined a walking group, basically did anything to not be at home.
She hadn't retired from teaching to be free childcare.
Her husband was very upset with her but she told him it was his grandchild, not hers.
His daughter had been barely polite for 20 years, absolutely no way she was being in any way involved.
It took months and some marriage counselling because she told her husband perhaps they need to separate if he found her choices about her retirement so difficult to understand.

Two years on they are more settled.
Her husband ditched the childcare but it took time for an alternative to be found.

Only mugs allow themselves to be used like this.

Doubledenim305 · 12/05/2025 15:30

Clownsy · 12/05/2025 14:34

My friend had similar as she retired.
She booked holidays away with fridnds, visited family, joined a walking group, basically did anything to not be at home.
She hadn't retired from teaching to be free childcare.
Her husband was very upset with her but she told him it was his grandchild, not hers.
His daughter had been barely polite for 20 years, absolutely no way she was being in any way involved.
It took months and some marriage counselling because she told her husband perhaps they need to separate if he found her choices about her retirement so difficult to understand.

Two years on they are more settled.
Her husband ditched the childcare but it took time for an alternative to be found.

Only mugs allow themselves to be used like this.

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That means so much to me that you took the time to reply. Very helpful and very appreciated.

greyhairnomore · 15/05/2025 07:55

Doubledenim305 · 07/05/2025 23:48

Just read this thread. Have similar situation and wondering OP how it all played out?

my partner (retired) cared for 2 of his grandchildren. I wasn’t retired but had days off in the week.
I said I would help if I was in.
He never asked me to stay in or change my plans, he was good at it, but knackered.
Just be very clear.

ohotoframe · 05/06/2025 07:00

I previously commented and since then my SD has behaved even worse, sending vile messages to her dad and words about me. He didn’t respond and she was no contact for 2 years (her choice - we still send birthday and Xmas gifts/money but no thank you).
Recently she got in touch to say split from her partner and fallen out with her mum and gave a list of days and times she had put us down for childcare - we’ve never met her 2nd child. I told my DH that I supported him doing it but no way I was getting involved. He was upset with me but I think that’s partly the reason she is the way she is - there are never any consequences for her behaviour.
Just to say I do a lot of childcare for my own 5 grandchildren and those of my other SD who is delightful and I love her 2 kids as much as my biological DGC.

JenniferBooth · 06/06/2025 19:47

ohotoframe · 05/06/2025 07:00

I previously commented and since then my SD has behaved even worse, sending vile messages to her dad and words about me. He didn’t respond and she was no contact for 2 years (her choice - we still send birthday and Xmas gifts/money but no thank you).
Recently she got in touch to say split from her partner and fallen out with her mum and gave a list of days and times she had put us down for childcare - we’ve never met her 2nd child. I told my DH that I supported him doing it but no way I was getting involved. He was upset with me but I think that’s partly the reason she is the way she is - there are never any consequences for her behaviour.
Just to say I do a lot of childcare for my own 5 grandchildren and those of my other SD who is delightful and I love her 2 kids as much as my biological DGC.

Like i said upthread a while ago it absolutely astonishes me when parents have no qualms about insisting their kids are looked after by someone they despise. Cant think much of their kids then.

This is what i would be saying to your DH if i was you. It would be hard for him to think of a reply