Page 5 | Caring for step grandchild

Useronemillionandthree · 2023-09-06T02:28:40+00:00

My husband is retired, and I work two days a week. Recently my husband offered to look after his grand daughter on the three days a week when I’m home so his daughter can work. I don’t have any sort of relationship with his daughter, she barely speaks to me (nothing has happened, has always been like this). I was happy to do this for a few months as I felt it gave me some sort of connection with his family. But it’s starting to get a bit tiring, and I really resent his daughter coming into the house thanking her dad for looking after her child when all he has done is take the baby for a walk around the block. I don’t want to do it anymore, I can’t say no because I’m technically not the one caring for the child. I am thinking of changing my work days, but it will mean after one day of looking after the child my husband will probably find an excuse not to, or his daughter will change her days. I feel a bit trapped.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

Useronemillionandthree · 11/09/2023 08:14

I don’t know how involved he was when his kids were little.

He does a lot of gardening, a bit of cleaning and all the cooking.

OP posts:

SeulementUneFois · 11/09/2023 08:19

OP

Your DSD barely considers you a person.
I'd "drop the rope" completely, and treat her the same.
She's an adult now so you can treat her the exact same. Don't address her a word. She's in your house after all. Pretend she's not there.
Definitely don't warn her about anything to do with this.

I know that you might feel that you're getting some satisfaction from telling her like it is.
But I'd get much more satisfaction from treating her like she did and does you, like you don't give a flying fuck about her or anything to do with her. That she now also means nothing to you.

AnSolas · 11/09/2023 09:01

user1492757084 · 11/09/2023 02:48

It is very generous of you to help and to get to know the baby.
Would it work better with you helping, if you can, for one day and your husband for one day on his own per week.

Fewer days could be more sustainable.

Three days is a huge committment.

You missed the fact that the childs mother has decided the OP is a person who she can be rude to, that is rude to in the OP's own home?

Or that DH is allowing his adult child to be rude to his wife in her home?

LadyBird1973 · 11/09/2023 09:21

You were silly to go home and bail him out. His daughter wouldn't let you visit when the baby was born and her father has allowed this behaviour and actively exploited you in agreeing to do childcare in the full knowledge he wouldn't actually be doing it.

You need to turn your phone off and let him sink or swim. She doesn't get to ignore your existence and expect you to provide free childcare. And he doesn't get to give up your time without consultation or agreement and use you, so that he looks good to his bratty daughter!

You need to toughen up and see the pair of them for the selfish fuckers they both are!

GKD · 11/09/2023 09:54

You came home? Why would you do that?

nothing will change, there’s no incentive, you are allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat.

By all means change your working days but don’t be surprised when DSD’s working days change to match.

namechangnancy · 11/09/2023 10:02

Useronemillionandthree · 11/09/2023 08:13

I have told him I don’t want to look after the child. He responded with but you aren’t.

DSD has always been like this. I wasn’t allowed to visit when the baby was born. We don’t spend Christmas together. I don’t exist in her world. Nothing has caused this, she decided that she wasn’t going to have a step mum, so she doesn’t.

I ended up coming home early. He just couldn’t cope. I told him three months is enough and I’m not spending my days off looking after his grandchild. I told his daughter how the day went and if she was happy for her child to be cared for like that it’s up to her. But I won’t be coming home early again. She glared at me and left. I think alternative care will be sorted soon.

She glared at you and left.... wow.

Bullet dodged. Bigger problem though is your dh enables his daughter to treat you as sub human but expects you to come home early to help him and then says he doesn't need your help.
🚨 Gaslight alert 🚨

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/09/2023 10:14

GKD · 11/09/2023 09:54

You came home? Why would you do that?

nothing will change, there’s no incentive, you are allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat.

By all means change your working days but don’t be surprised when DSD’s working days change to match.

I'm his. Why on earth??

In the kindest way: have you considered counseling to help understand why you put up with such shabby treatment from your husband and his daughter?

amiold · 11/09/2023 10:58

Do you work nights Op? When did you come home?

I wouldn't have .. I'd have said I'm in a meeting or something

Therealjudgejudy · 11/09/2023 11:07

Shes a total user. Dont bail him out again

MeridianB · 11/09/2023 11:21

Woah! Just read your updates and I am stunned at the rudeness from both of them.

Totally agree with PPs saying now drop the rope, don't give any more updates to his DD and turn your phone off when you're out. They are both treating you with incredible disrespect. I'm not sure how you haven't lost it with your H yet.

Codlingmoths · 11/09/2023 11:36

I’m astonished how rude she is. When I think of the presents and cards we get the childcare staff for Christmas etc, and you’re her dads wife. She deserves nothing from you. I think based on this you’ve done a lot for her over the years even if it is all just because the useless gaslighting fucker that is her dad volunteered then expected you to do all the work, which I think we now all know would not only not have gotten you so much as a thankyou from either of them but he would have denied you did anything at all and been super dad in his batshit fantasy land.

LifeIsShitJustNow · 11/09/2023 11:52

So he didn’t last even a day when he told you that it wasn’t you looking after tte child but him anyway??

Colour me surprised….

What is your DH position now?
Still wanting to offer 3 days a week of childcare and insisting that he is doing it all? Or has he acknowledged how reliant he has been on you and thank you for the work you’ve done?
I have to say I’m wondering how he is going to cope for the week where you are away on hols. Because it will be surprising if your dsd can find alternative childcare that quickly.

Fwiw I think your DH has fucked it big way there. Both towards you (assuming you’d happily take on the role of CM fir his grandchild whilst he was reaping all the thanks) AND towards his dd who now has no time to organise adequate childcare. I’d be pissed off if I was the dd tbh (or I’d gave guessed he wouldn’t manage anyway and refuse the offer)

pinkyredrose · 11/09/2023 12:15

What couldn't he cope with? Next time turn your phone off.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2023 12:21

pinkyredrose · 11/09/2023 12:15

What couldn't he cope with? Next time turn your phone off.

Normal baby behaviour by the sounds of things. He’s utterly useless and taking the piss in an astonishing way.

Redshoeblueshoe · 11/09/2023 12:40

Hopefully she will find alternative arrangements.

Newestname002 · 11/09/2023 12:45

LadyBird1973 · 11/09/2023 09:21

You were silly to go home and bail him out. His daughter wouldn't let you visit when the baby was born and her father has allowed this behaviour and actively exploited you in agreeing to do childcare in the full knowledge he wouldn't actually be doing it.

You need to turn your phone off and let him sink or swim. She doesn't get to ignore your existence and expect you to provide free childcare. And he doesn't get to give up your time without consultation or agreement and use you, so that he looks good to his bratty daughter!

You need to toughen up and see the pair of them for the selfish fuckers they both are!

Couldn't agree more 🌹

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 11/09/2023 15:45

He could cope if he had to, he just didn't want to.

Weaponized incompetence.

Daleksatemyshed · 11/09/2023 19:02

After all these years of your DSD ignoring you I'm amazed your DH thinks you'll suck it up and help him out just so that he can look good to his Daughter. Has he never taken onboard the fact she ignores you or does he not care as long as she still comes to see him? It's one thing for an unhappy child to behave like this but she's a grown woman, she's supposed to be mature enough to be a parent in her own right and yet, here she is trying to blank you and make use of you at the same time. I can imagine her glaring at you, you've not only made her acknowledge you but you've shown her her DDad's failings at the same time.
Don't come home anymore Op, if your DH can't cope alone then that's on him. Without meaning to he's shown you how hands off a parent he really was, maybe if he'd tried a bit harder when he she was younger none of you would be in this position

Original poster

Useronemillionandthree · 12/09/2023 03:59

I don’t disagree with any of you. But I came home because I was worried about the baby.
My husband really thought he could do it, and I’m sure he would get there he just needs a few pointers. But he now realises that he doesn’t want to give up all his time. Dsds mum is now caring for the baby until she finds an alternative.

I try not to get too upset over dsd. I think her mum has been in her ear and that’s why I am not part of her life.

OP posts:

Goldbar · 12/09/2023 05:47

Useronemillionandthree · 12/09/2023 03:59

I don’t disagree with any of you. But I came home because I was worried about the baby.
My husband really thought he could do it, and I’m sure he would get there he just needs a few pointers. But he now realises that he doesn’t want to give up all his time. Dsds mum is now caring for the baby until she finds an alternative.

I try not to get too upset over dsd. I think her mum has been in her ear and that’s why I am not part of her life.

I understand completely. I wouldn't leave a baby that I was worried wasn't being cared for properly and might be at risk of harm. Hopefully DSD will have got the message now that you're not free babysitting for her.

fairyfluf · 12/09/2023 05:53

You're making the right choice. A decent response would have been "I'm so sorry! Of course it seems dad can't cope ill sort something else out".

PastelLilac · 12/09/2023 06:10

I get the impression that he wasn't really involved when his children were babies. I bet he just held them when they were asleep and then panicked when baby woke up before handing baby back to mum. I bet he never calmed a crying baby. Pathetic that he couldn't cope with a pooey nappy.

Next time you go out, put your phone on do not disturb. If he can't cope then he needs to ring his daughter. Don't rush home early. He's an adult who has had children, not a struggling teen who's a first time parent. Your step daughter sounds like an entitled brat.

HowDoesThisWorkPlease · 12/09/2023 07:55

Useronemillionandthree · 07/09/2023 23:16

I have told my husband that I won’t be around for the next two weeks, so he will need to ask his daughter to write down the routine for him. He seems to think he will manage without me. Maybe he will? I am looking at changing my days at work.

Well done

LadyBird1973 · 12/09/2023 08:05

I'm glad this particular situation seems to be resolving itself, but I do think you should sort out with your husband the issue of him volunteering your time without discussion and the problem of him allowing his dd to be so rude. He shouldn't ignore this and just let it slide for an easier life. He owes you care and consideration. I'd want this ironed out, even if I'd managed not to let her attitude bother me too much - the principle of it is important

mycoffeecup · 12/09/2023 08:07

Find something to do outside the house for the whole three days and turn your phone off. Do that for a few weeks and the issue will be solved one way or the other.