Caring for step grandchild

[Useronemillionandthree]

My husband is retired, and I work two days a week. Recently my husband offered to look after his grand daughter on the three days a week when I’m home so his daughter can work. I don’t have any sort of relationship with his daughter, she barely speaks to me (nothing has happened, has always been like this). I was happy to do this for a few months as I felt it gave me some sort of connection with his family. But it’s starting to get a bit tiring, and I really resent his daughter coming into the house thanking her dad for looking after her child when all he has done is take the baby for a walk around the block. I don’t want to do it anymore, I can’t say no because I’m technically not the one caring for the child. I am thinking of changing my work days, but it will mean after one day of looking after the child my husband will probably find an excuse not to, or his daughter will change her days. I feel a bit trapped.

Because you can't force someone to talk to another and as I pointed out it seems unpleasant of the adult dsd.

That's without the expected op has to provide childcare via her dh

👏👏👏

What a fucking liberty!

I mean that's great if he can manage without you!

And if he can’t he can discuss it with his daughter and she can make better (paid) arrangements.

Yes or do it herself. Or whatever. Its good news OP. I would personally try to support his assertion he can do it himself, so remain positive about the idea and confident he can manage.

She doesn't get use you as carer for her child and simultaneously ignore or be rude to you. And your husband doesn't get to be the doting dad/grandad and getting kudos for that but leave the actual work of caring duties to you.

I hope all goes well for the next couple of weeks, that you thoroughly enjoy your week off without the stress you're being out through by two thoughtless, selfish people. 🌹

Good for you, OP. Stand up for yourself ! Best wishes from a fellow step mother with three rude step children who also don't talk to me, but think I should still take the "mother" role, lol.

How annoying for you. Also annoying that you have to go out all the time to prove the point!

DSD also a CF as she seems to want you to do the care but hasn't made the agreement with you and also doesn't talk to you!!!! Why would you leave your baby with someone you don't like?

It looks like the situation is resolving it's self.
Was your dh present for his dd when she was growing up? A dynamic I've noticed amongst my friends (and exh) is those with parents who dgaf can decide to try and force a caring role on their parents when children come along. One friend moved to the other side of the country with the plan that her disinterested parents would look after her dc while she worked, her mum decided not to retire.

Side note but why is your husband allowing his daughter to treat you like this?

In no world is it acceptable to expect someone to care for your child (she knows you are doing at least some care) but not acknowledge the person or thank them.

That's disgusting, your husband needs to deal with that or you don't provide childcare

Let us know how successful that is 🙄

So far I have had a few texts asking questions and one phone call telling me to come home as they baby had a nappy explosion. I talked him through it but I think he managed ok.

One phone call telling me come home as they baby had a nappy explosion.

Haha... He isn't coping is he... no.way is he going to manage the 2 weeks solo! Poor kid I hope its mother figures.out quickly that this isn't going to.work! You need to let four DH sink.(or swim)on his.own though otherwise this won't end as he'll.still believe he is doing it all fabulously!

He expected you to come home to deal with a nappy explosion! Lol!!!!

Keep it up OP, you're doing brilliantly!!!

It is very generous of you to help and to get to know the baby.
Would it work better with you helping, if you can, for one day and your husband for one day on his own per week.

Fewer days could be more sustainable.

Three days is a huge committment.

I mean this is very surprising!! He had a daughter did he not? Did he actually raise his daughter? Then he should have some idea what he is supposed to do?

@Useronemillionandthree
Do not let him browbeat you into coming home to help or helping in any way.

After all the texts and the telling you to come home I suggest turning off your phone.

He knows you are doing most of it; he isn’t totally stupid as well as incompetent, since he deliberately chose the days you are home. He’s just incompetent and places zero value on your time. If his daughter actually thinks you are doing the caring then she is an entitled bitch to expect someone she doesn’t talk to to do that for her, but he also doesn’t have your back at all. Where’s the honesty? Where’s ‘actually user had been doing a lot of it, makes it much much easier for me to offer 3 days, you should really thank her.’ He doesn’t thank you either I notice. You should let him fall on his face completely without feeling bad. Have you even said ‘I’m mad you offered this CLEARLY Expecting me to do a lot of the work here but you didn’t even fucking bother to ask me or thank me? Do you really think my time so unimportant?? Also, why are you so incompetent? Every exhausted new mum who is recovering from surgery and hasn’t slept in days can change a pooey nappy, work it out.

Yes, please leave him to it entirely.
It's good for him to see what mothers do and also will form a great bond between him and his GC.
I help with my DGCs when needed and was asked to help with my great niece but as I didn't know her as well found it harder to fit with her and find things we both wanted to do so avoided that child minding, but do feel guilty.

You are still enabling him op. Turn off your phone......

There's obviously history with DSD but is now not a good time for a reset? DSD barely speaks to you but is happy to have her DD in your company for almost half the week knowing that you are very likely to be playing a very active role in her DD's life. How does this play out moving forwards at Christmas or birthdays? It will be really confusing for DSGD to be able to spend so much time in her formative years in your company but expected to keep a distance.

Bloody hell he is useless.

Did he not parent his children?

I’d tell him to speak to mum, she needs to know her child isn’t being sufficiently cared for.

And on my return I’d be having a word with her to let her know from now on I’ll be leaving all care to H regardless of whether I’m there or not so she can make an informed choice.

How much housework does he do? Just asking out of interest…

I have told him I don’t want to look after the child. He responded with but you aren’t.

DSD has always been like this. I wasn’t allowed to visit when the baby was born. We don’t spend Christmas together. I don’t exist in her world. Nothing has caused this, she decided that she wasn’t going to have a step mum, so she doesn’t.

I ended up coming home early. He just couldn’t cope. I told him three months is enough and I’m not spending my days off looking after his grandchild. I told his daughter how the day went and if she was happy for her child to be cared for like that it’s up to her. But I won’t be coming home early again. She glared at me and left. I think alternative care will be sorted soon.