Caring for step grandchild

[Useronemillionandthree]

My husband is retired, and I work two days a week. Recently my husband offered to look after his grand daughter on the three days a week when I’m home so his daughter can work. I don’t have any sort of relationship with his daughter, she barely speaks to me (nothing has happened, has always been like this). I was happy to do this for a few months as I felt it gave me some sort of connection with his family. But it’s starting to get a bit tiring, and I really resent his daughter coming into the house thanking her dad for looking after her child when all he has done is take the baby for a walk around the block. I don’t want to do it anymore, I can’t say no because I’m technically not the one caring for the child. I am thinking of changing my work days, but it will mean after one day of looking after the child my husband will probably find an excuse not to, or his daughter will change her days. I feel a bit trapped.

You're being used OP. Go out n do your own thing when the baby's there if you have to.
Don't take the baby when your husband tries to pass them to you, remind him that he was the one that wanted to look after them so look after them he must.

My partner did this for a while. I just did my own thing on the days he was childminding. Saw friends, read upstairs , went shopping.
Or I spent time with them , it had no impact on me at all.

Def change your days, or make sure you're out before drop off so she knows she's handing baby over to Grandad only.

I don't think there's any need at all for you to let DSD know you're not around. She asked DH to look at the baby, not you. So she can have no expectations of you at all. She sounds like a right madam... another one agreeing you should step right back/absent yourself from the house @Useronemillionandthree !

Oh my word, they're really taking the piss. If your SD is annoyed because you aren't there, then she can bloody well talk to you about it. As she doesn't talk to you, I guess that won't happen. And if it does, you should be prepared to simply say, "no one asked me to do childcare - not you and not your father so I'm not sure why I am being made out to be the bad guy here."

I'd also continue to ensure you're not there at pick up. Your SD needs to understand that HER father is the one letting her down and not able to look after her child.

Unless her dad was DSD's care giver in her childhood he would never have learned how to manage a baby.
If he had learned and this was his second time around the OP would not have been doing the bulk of the child care.
And I suspect childcare on the days OP was around was not a happy accident.
OP has a DH problem but DSD would be expected to be polite to a paid childminder but cant even do that with the OP.

So ignoring that the OP is in her home with a sometimes screaming or crying baby is just rude. It is also rude to ignore that the baby has to be organised around if the OP wants to do stuff as a couple.

Aww, poor man ‘never learned’ the complex mystery of keeping a baby alive, fed and not crying. It’s so mysterious that there’s no resources available anywhere that could have accessed and educated himself on before offering childcare. The only solution is to palm off the kid on to the nearest woman.🙄🙄🙄

Are you going to say anything to the pisstakers, OP?

Absolutely this.

I'd go into the office for the time being, I'd say there's a problem with the Internet at home, but once its rectified I'll return to working from home. He'll get fed up doing it all alone, and will probably end it. It's funny how he volunteered to baby sit, on the exact 3 days you're at home?! I wouldn't be happy with it either. One day, when I'm not working would be okay.

It is an outrage that you weren't consulted as it's your shared house, meaning it's impossible to avoid a baby, and even less a toddler.

You need a sit down chat, and also the mother needs to know who is looking after her child.

I'd look carefully at what happens next @Useronemillionandthree . If your DSD makes other plans for 2 weeks but then expects to start again you know for sure she always thought you did the childcare.
Probably your DH offered, she said he couldn't manage and he said you'd be there to help, which would explain her being cross when you went out.
Play this out carefully Op, your DSD will blame you anyway so don't let your guilt get to you. Give your DH lessons if he needs them but don't step in for him

She has a real nerve. Luckily, if she's not speaking to you though she can't confront you about it.

So let me get this right.

1- your DH offered to look after baby
2- his dd doesn’t talk to you but somehow expected YOU would be the one in charge
3- when something went wrong (unsurprisingly?) it’s then becoming YOUR fault? I imagine he didn’t set her right about the fact HE missed a baby crying in the house (and fwiw I’ve always heard my dc cry, Wo a baby monitor)
4- but somehow you feel bad about letting your DH fail.

Sorry.
Id let him deal with baby in his own for the following two weeks
Id also let his dd know you won’t be there due to work commitment followed by you going away. So her dad will be in his own.
Id also make it clear to BOTH OF THEM that you are happy to HELP but neither if them should rely on you being there to make it work.

Your stepdd should get the message re who is responsible. Your DH will learn that is doing very little and it is hard work (I’m pretty sure that if you look at how much he did for his own dcs, he didn’t do as much as he thought he did)

She should have spoken to you before leaving her child at your house. She is a CF. If I were you I would make the most of the sunny weather and be out and make it very clear that you won't be helping with baby.

Don't even tell your DH, if you can avoid it, that you'll be away for the next two weeks. If you can drip feed it next week, day by day - "oh I need to go into the office tomorrow". And then tell him at the last minute about the week off.
So he can't warn your stepdaughter.
And definitely do not tell her.

As if you do she might rearrange for the next two weeks but want to go back to "normal programming" after.

If she's no idea and can't plan for it she'll have to actually deal with it!

FFS, if she thinks her dad isn’t capable of babysitting, then she shouldn’t let him do it, rather than just expecting you to pick up for him because you happen to be female. Your husband knows what he’s doing, he’s not an idiot, he gets all the glory, you do all the work. They’re both treating you disrespectfully.

Leave them to it. Go out every week if you must unitl they get the hint

She shows you contempt by ignoring you. She's a cf expecting free childcare.

This is the type of bullshit that can go down in step families if all people aren't called on their shitty behaviour.

Your adult dsd is well within her rights to not talk to you (if that's what she wants). Seems unpleasant to me but whatever.

In that same breath she cannot then say I won't talk to her or treat her like a human in your own home but I expect this person to provide free childcare for me because my dad acting as some type of "manager of communication" and you are assigned the "worker" role.

I suspect your dh has take the role of "I don't wanna pick a side" 🙄 whilst v subtly pushing the work on to you and enabling his daughter to treat you as sun human.

Beautiful thing about this set up is you can just be busy and not tell either of them and if your dh passes on her annoyance I would smile sweetly and say if she has a issue to pick with me, maybe you should tell her to speak to be directly.

And since she won't she will flounce off.

Pls update us op. This is bonkers

I have told my husband that I won’t be around for the next two weeks, so he will need to ask his daughter to write down the routine for him. He seems to think he will manage without me. Maybe he will? I am looking at changing my days at work.

Point him here, 😁 we can give out advice, and give out about how you left the new mother granddad alone 🎻 to figure out how to change a nappy without any nappypins🧷

He needs the routine writing down?! That just shows how involved you are and how passive he is.

You should say you're not around ever after the 2 wks are up. Hope it goes well.

Your adult dsd is well within her rights to not talk to you (if that's what she wants).

I'm not sure she's 'well within her rights'. Seems pretty fucking rude to ignore your dad's wife.

Whilst also expecting her to look after the baby!

Good for you, OP. So refreshing to have a poster who stands up for themselves.