Caring for step grandchild

[Useronemillionandthree]

My husband is retired, and I work two days a week. Recently my husband offered to look after his grand daughter on the three days a week when I’m home so his daughter can work. I don’t have any sort of relationship with his daughter, she barely speaks to me (nothing has happened, has always been like this). I was happy to do this for a few months as I felt it gave me some sort of connection with his family. But it’s starting to get a bit tiring, and I really resent his daughter coming into the house thanking her dad for looking after her child when all he has done is take the baby for a walk around the block. I don’t want to do it anymore, I can’t say no because I’m technically not the one caring for the child. I am thinking of changing my work days, but it will mean after one day of looking after the child my husband will probably find an excuse not to, or his daughter will change her days. I feel a bit trapped.

It's not clear whether your DSD expected you both to be looking after her DD, but the fact she only asked her Dad and the fact your DH just assumed you would help, means you can walk away from this guilt-free.

I'm angry on your behalf @Useronemillionandthree

Because let's be honest, your DH knows that he's not doing all the care. He knows this. But he's happy to make out he's an amazing dad and Grandpa while treating you like a 1950s wife and handing the baby over when anything needs doing.

I'd be making sure I was working on two of the three days and being out for the other. He needs to grow up and step up.

Have something similar with my partner but not the caring part as such. He wants to have his son but wants everyone to be around to support it. Get the impression he is put out when me and his mum don't want to dedicate days to being with them when he has him. If it's through the week I go to work as normal and if it's weekend I have my own plans unless it's pre arranged. In my mind he wants his son so he should spend time with him and they should also have 1-1 time together. You need to stand firm OP or you'll be dragged along. Sounds like the mother had no respect for you either.

This seems the perfect solution. Your dsd doesn’t get to use you as childcare and also ignore you. I can’t imagine trusting someone around the most precious person in my life and then ignoring the person giving them so much care. Just awful.

He has very cleverly chosen YOUR days off to babysit? He has deliberately done this to volunteer your time. (Or you wouldn’t be handed the baby constantly.) I would definitely be changing my days off so that they ARE days off and letting DH know that this is why you are doing this.

She must be expecting that I am the one looking after her child. She was upset with me when I went out.

What a tangled web.

You think she thinks you are looking after her baby but she hardly speaks to you.

Your husband thinks he is looking after the baby but he's just physically giving the baby to you when some actual looking after needs to be done.

I agree with you that this will come to a natural end when you do these extra days.

The sheer audacity of these pisstakers should be making you consider if you want more out of life. The woman hates you, yet expects free childcare out of you, without even asking? The man offers up your free time without your consent and palms off his grandchild to you? Pathetic. Find your anger.

@Useronemillionandthree
What she was upset with you for going out, the sheer cheek of her, it was your dh or dad that said he would do childcare not you, she ignores you but expects you to use your days of work to step up to childcare, I would be making it clear your not for being used by either of them, and your days of work are that and you will do what you want and come and go as you please x

Neither she, not your DH have actually had the courtesy to ask you.
Your DH actually is the cheekiest one here as he's deliberately offered the days you are around (in the full expectation of you helping).
You sound like a kind and sensible person, I would perhaps suggest to your DH that he lets his DD know that you aren't going to be around for the next two weeks to avoid any upset as you got the impression that she wasn't happy when you weren't there before..

Well I can see where she gets her cheeky fuckery from!

Change your work days - and go out/do all your jobs on the third one. Totally out of order to impose this on you without your agreement. You can frame it as trying to fit in around your DH’s new arrangements so that you can have some nice time together on the other days he is free. But don’t be taken for a mug. He’s offered it, he can do it!

So she barely speaks to you for years but is expecting you to do free child care for her via proxy. She asked her father in the total knowledge he would do the bare minimum and hand everything to you. All the time while barely giving you the time of day- breathtaking!
Shes now in a real mess - her father is doing what she asked him to do but you aren't doing what she really wanted. Well she has nobody to blame but herself for that.

Time for some home truths. Yes, this situation will probably resolve itself when you become unavailable but personally, I couldn't let this slide and not give the pair of them a boot up the arse!

Your husband wants the kudos and praise of offering but doesn't want to actually do the work. That he has just volunteered your time to his daughter who doesn't even speak to you, let alone thank you is absolutely outrageous and you should be challenging this!

As for dsd, she needs it pointing out that her dad has basically done fuck all and it's you who had been changing her baby's nappies etc and a thank you wouldn't have gone amiss. She will probably deny knowing that it was you who did the childcare, but you can bay that back since she sulked when you went out. And since she didn't ask you, she's no right to be pissed off that you won't be doing it anymore!

Your cheeky fucker husband deserves to fall flat on his face, frankly. Or maybe he'll rise to the occasion and learn some appreciation for how difficult it is to look after a baby all day.

Either way, you really ought to be challenging this situation.

She may have been ‘expecting’ it. But she’s not spoken to you for years and she didn’t ask you. So your conscience is clear.

Don't feel bad - they’ve both treated you like an unpaid nanny. Going to work will be a treat in comparison!

From what I read, the husband offered.

Yes he did offer. Us looking after the child means step daughter doesn’t have to work full time in order to make enough after paying for child care. Which is one of the reasons I didn’t go mental when he offered. The baby is only eight months old.

Yeah, I'm not suggesting you're in the wrong at all, i think your husband is though. More than his daughter even.

His daughter can go and arrange adequate childcare care.

She doesn't want or hasn't asked you to do it and her dad is crap at it.

She’s really reaping what she has sown by not making any efforts to build a relationship with you or even have the courtesy to ask you to do something that she clearly expects.

Your husband should have run this by you before offering even if he was doing all the actual work, since having responsibility for a baby 3 days a week has a massive impact on your life together. It limits your freedom to go away spontaneously or do anything that isn't centred around childcare.
He seems to take you for granted.

I agree that the happy fact that you genuinely won’t be available for the next 2 weeks should sort it.

Which is a joke considering she won’t speak you!

absolutely make it clear to her that her dad is providing childcare and if she’s angry with anything, she needs to take it up with him.

or as you say, stay quiet, smile sweetly and watch it all implode next week.

Being unavailable for the next two weeks is a natural consequence of this whole arrangement. Looking after an 8 month old baby 3 days a week is a huge undertaking and the very least I would expect acknowledgment and gratitude for doing it.

@Useronemillionandthree I've name changed to say you should absolutely not fall into the role of de facto childminder, unless YOU want to. Also, don't be guilted into anything.

I'm in a similar position in that I have been largely ignored, with very superficial interest in me in the last 25 years of being a step mum. No specific issues - just pretty much a superficial relationship - it was made clear that I was irrelevant; so I just got on with things and was always polite etc.

Now that two grandchildren have come along in quick succession there is a sudden flurry of contact and an expressed desire to see more of us - followed of course by requests to have the toddlers for the weekend. Our step daughter asked my DH, not me - he has said no since he works such long hours.

We now find ourselves with a huge elephant in the room: they hint that I am now "granny" and I can see with every visit they are wondering why I am kind and nice, but in no way fawning or asking to look after toddlers, especially as I work full time.

My step daughter has not asked me directly - I think she must realise that it's quite obvious she is only being nice now because she has had children and wants babysitters - and before couldn't care less whether I was there or not.

No judgement from me - you have a mother, you don't need a second mother when you get a step mother BUT, having put no effort in for more than 25 years, neither should you expect that I should want to make an effort now.

I save my energy for people who care about me, not people who are only interested when I can do something for them - family or not!

The only reason I'd be wary of just stepping back and watching the situation implode would be if it's going to put the baby's safety at risk.

I'd definitely be very clear with SD that you won't be around to help.

Not the same thing, but although my parents live quite far away, they do occasionally come and stay with us to help with childcare. There's no way I'd leave my father in charge of a little baby on his own (he could just about cope with the 5yo). He's lovely with my DC but couldn't provide the level of care and supervision required by a mobile baby. My DM can manage the kids on her own, but when he's helping, he and DM come as a team.

If you think it's more a case that he'd get fed up without you there, then I'd go right ahead.