Do I need to punish my child?

[User098765765443]

My DP and I each have two children to previous relationships. His children don’t spend much time at my place as when they are it’s very difficult.
DPS kids never help with dinner clean up, they just sit at the table and wait for their food to be brought to them and when done just walk away. If they were asked they would throw a tantrum and call their mum to come and get them. This isn’t an issue just context.

My ds was being a pain and refused to take his plate to the sink. I said you know why I ask you to do that (thinking he would say because you’re my mother not my maid). He said because you don’t want me to end up a spoiled brat like dps kids. The s kids weren’t there, but DP was. And he went mad. He has handed out a few restrictions and wants him to swap his ‘good’ big bedroom for one of his kids as punishment (it’s a bit of a battle who gets the ‘good bedroom’ )

I think it’s ridiculous, my ds apologised. But DP is really pushing this.

He needs to take a firm stand, and let that situation ride out then. The DC Mum would soon get bored of playing that game.

Tell him to go to court and stop being a shit parent.

Still doesn’t give him the right to dole out extreme punishments to your child.

So he needs to realise that the choice he makes to not challenge his children has consequences.

After that overreaction to the truth I’d be coming down on your husband like a tonne of bricks.

I’d also be reconsidering the relationship because there’s nothing less attractive than a poor parent - and he is absolutely failing his children.

And no chance would I be letting him fail mine as well!

How is the atrocious behaviour of your partner's children 'not an issue'?

Malificent1 · Today 09:53
Tell your DP to parent his own kids before he even thinks about parenting yours.

I really hope you’ve stood up for your son.”

This

He should apologise for being rude but that's all.

Sounds like your dp is between a rock and a hard place with his kids so maybe it touched a nerve but no way should your son be giving his bedroom up.

I'd be considering if this relationship is beneficial for your child

So by his "parenting " (used VERY loosely) your child gets punished for being gobby and lazy. But his gets rewarded for being gobby (throwing tantrums) and lazy (not doing the dishes)

The truth hurts. Your ds spoke the truth. Your op has to start expecting his children to clean and deal with stuff. He needs to return to mediation so his x will keep out or he has to accept by parenting his children may leave for a while. However he is doing them a favour in the long run to teach them the world is not their maid.

This. He needs to start parenting his own kids before doing it with yours. Me and dp had a few issues like this early on.. it’s stopped now and dp does things fairly, but it’s the hardest thing having a blended family!

He has handed out a few restrictions and wants him to swap his ‘good’ big bedroom for one of his kids as punishment

OP, this is outrageous. Firstly: so your DP is allowed to hand out punishments to your kids but you are not allowed to make simple requests or discipline his?

Secondly this is a huge over reaction and disproportionate

Thirdly it is him showing massive favouritism and using your Dc’ outburst to escalate that competition for the room.

Your Dc apologised FGS!

This is a terrible dynamic for your Dc. They live with double standards, a man who is allowed to dish out restrictions to them while they watch him let his own kids treat you like a servant. Confusing and upsetting.

Honestly? I would not be happy for my Dc to live in this dynamic.

Your DP has no business to be disciplining your kids, especially if you're unable to discipline his and are expected to put up with their shit instead.

This is the limit of how I would discipline your DS - I would have a chat with him about how, although something might be the truth - i.e. someone is nasty, spoiled, mean, annoying - it is not always kind to point it out and he should try to be more tactful in future.

To your DP, I'd just be telling him not to be so pathetic. If he's upset by a child's offhand comment, that's because there's more truth in it than he'd like to admit. And that's his and his ex's fault, not your DS's.

So he's scared of angering his kids but fuck your son's feelings ?
The kids using the threat of their mum is not an excuse to stop parenting. Would he turn a blind eye to smoking, drugs, violence because he is scared that they won't talk to him?
If it's your house then he's doubly cheeky to have an opinion on which room belongs to your son.

Your DP thinks taking away your DS’s bedroom is an appropriate punishment? Your DS is right, DPs kids sound like spoilt brats and so does your DP. Bin the lot of them and be happy with your DC.

She uses the kids as weapons to hurt him. If he pulled them up on something he wouldn’t see them for a few months.

Well that is difficult. But shouldn’t be allowed to hold your kids to ransom. And maybe his kids would be sad not to see him for a couple of months and not pull the ‘I’ll call Mum” stunt again!

I dare say it is hard for his kids. Coming into a household where other Dc live full time with their own Dad. Being expected to accommodate you into their new extended family etc. Step and blended families are bloody hard for kids.

Which is why you need to protect your kids from the chaos and damage that is currently the fall out from his.

what on earth have I just read.
dp doesn’t parent his own children in any way, and rather than do that he opts to not see them
your ds is listening to his step siblings being called spoilt brats
and as a result of repeating what adults have said he’s getting some wildly excessive punishments

dp needs to worry about his own kids and stop taking out his emotions on your ds

You say ‘my place’. Is it your house that he moved into?

Why doesn't he go to court and get proper contact arrangements ordered?

How long has he been living in your house? How old are your kids and his?

Why would your DP demand your son to lose his big bedroom? It's his house!!

I'd get rid of the partner, if he can't parent his own children into following the same rules your son follows when they're in your home - then he has no respect for your home.

I'd be telling him when he can parent his own children effectively, that's when he can parent yours. Bloody bigger bedroom my arse!
I get that he's scared of the ex's reaction if he disciplines his children but that's his issue, not yours.
Is it really worth the angst and stress of being with him?

Your son told the truth. If a grown man can’t handle the truth, it’s not his fault.

Swap your DPs bedroom instead…to a different house.

I could not be with a man so pathetic he punishes a child for holding up a mirror to his inadequacies.

Pathetic about the changing bedrooms.
Tell them to clear the table, at least they will leave sooner.
Love that your son sees it as it is.

How old are his kids? Your DP needs to confiscate their phones if they keep pulling the stunt of calling their mum if they're asked to lift a finger. He also needs to get a court order in place so that she can't just come and pick them up or keep them from him for months.

Their mother sounds lik an absolute horror but your DP needs to stand up to her bullshit and be a parent.

A few different things here.

Your DS was spot-on. But, he shouldn't be name-calling. Did your DP think your DS had heard the 'spoilt brats' label from you?

Your DP needs to parent his children. If they would seriously ring their mum to collect them (and she would come) for being asked to clear plates from the table then he needs to get serious about contact and discipline.

But what stands out the most here is that your DP sounds unpleasant. And I agree with PP that he was clearly waiting for a chance to take your son's bedroom. Which is appalling. He moves into your sons home, refuses to parent his lazy children and then wants to remove your son's stability? This is not the behaviour of a good person.

Be honest, is he hard on your DS at other times? Maybe it's time for him to see his DCs somewhere else (ie move out)? Because your son shouldn't have to sacrifice his security and happiness to ensure this CF has somewhere to live/see his children.

Losing his bedroom is a ridiculous punishment for anything tbh. Totally over the top.