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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do I need to punish my child?

114 replies

User098765765443 · 29/08/2023 09:24

My DP and I each have two children to previous relationships. His children don’t spend much time at my place as when they are it’s very difficult.
DPS kids never help with dinner clean up, they just sit at the table and wait for their food to be brought to them and when done just walk away. If they were asked they would throw a tantrum and call their mum to come and get them. This isn’t an issue just context.

My ds was being a pain and refused to take his plate to the sink. I said you know why I ask you to do that (thinking he would say because you’re my mother not my maid). He said because you don’t want me to end up a spoiled brat like dps kids. The s kids weren’t there, but DP was. And he went mad. He has handed out a few restrictions and wants him to swap his ‘good’ big bedroom for one of his kids as punishment (it’s a bit of a battle who gets the ‘good bedroom’ )

I think it’s ridiculous, my ds apologised. But DP is really pushing this.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Mariposista · 29/08/2023 12:24

HAHAHAHAHAHA what an intuitive clever lad you have. I’d be giving him a round of applause not a punishment.
Swapping bedrooms as a punishment? How is that a punishment, that’s just stupid.

insatiableme · 29/08/2023 12:47

Total overreaction. It's obviously hit a nerve as he knows there is truth to it

my82my · 29/08/2023 14:19

BeeCucumber · 29/08/2023 09:28

Your son is right. Your DP is a bully. Don’t punish your son for speaking the truth. Taking a bedroom away or handing out restrictions is not up to DP - he should learn how to parent his own children before picking on yours.

This. Don't punish your son and your partner needs to back off.

SoupDragon · 29/08/2023 14:24

Did your DS come up with that comment by himself or has he heard you say it? If he's heard it from you, you need to be more careful what you say.

I don't agree with the punishment though, an apology should be enough.

billy1966 · 30/08/2023 01:55

Your poor son.

You move some loser with unparented children into his home.

The loser won't parent his children but chooses to try and bully your son out of his bedroom in his own house.

Sounds like he was waiting to pounce.

Your poor son.

You need to make better choices.

Get rid of the loser and take back control of your sons home.

Your son deserves much better than this home life.

Louise303 · 30/08/2023 02:19

Weird punishment sounds like he was trying to reward his little angels with the room they want. Your son was not wrong your partner was being vindictive because your son said his mind.

Original poster

User098765765443 · 30/08/2023 02:44

@SoupDragon I haven’t used the exact words in front of my kids, but have talked around it. I definitely need to watch what I say.

It really isn’t as bad as it sounds. The step kids are rarely here. Yes my son touched a nerve, and that is why DP reacted like he did. The room is an issue and that’s why it was suggested as punishment. It’s absolutely not going to happen.
I think if DP could time travel he would take the kids mum to court over access, but the mums control over everything has gotten worse over time and the kids are old enough to make their own decisions so there isn’t anything that can be done.

I keep my kids separate from DPS kids so there isn’t any resentment, but my kids are always shocked at what they can get away with. DP is great with my kids, it was just that ds really touched a nerve.

OP posts:

BackToOklahoma · 30/08/2023 02:54

Your partner is shit. He doesn’t parent his own kids but goes OTT parenting yours. Why are you letting him? I feel sorry for all the kids involved. Your partner is the problem and I bet his ex isn’t half as bad as you think. It’s clearly him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/08/2023 02:57

The step kids are rarely here... The room is an issue and that’s why it was suggested as punishment.

The entitlement of wanting a child who is almost never there to have the big room is stunning. Why on earth would anyone be arguing about the rooms when that's the case? I'd shut that conversation right down. It would be utterly ridiculous to have a room empty almost all the time so that other children can briefly use it. What message would that send?

I think you've maybe entertained conversations which are patently silly. Even having the conversation about the room is not OK.

And the other children are spoiled. Punishing a child for telling the truth is never a good thing. Yes, have a conversation about kindness and that there's a time and place and the grey areas of life. But never punish for the truth.

CherryPieMadness · 30/08/2023 02:57

So he’s fine to punish your son but not his own children?

He’s not even allowed to be angry, this is your son’s home and he can voice his thoughts, and you as his mum are the only one to decide what happens about that, not your DP and especially not giving up bedrooms! Tell your DP to butt out.

CheekyHobson · 30/08/2023 03:10

She uses the kids as weapons to hurt him. If he pulled them up on something he wouldn’t see them for a few months.

Right, so ludicrous over-punishment is par for the course with him and his ex?

Why does your partner think that forcing your son, who lives in your home, to give up the 'good bedroom' to someone who rarely visits would be a reasonable response to your son being inappropriately blunt?
Why does his ex think that withholding contact for months is a reasonable response to your partner disciplining his own children? Is it because the discipline your partner applies to his kids is as OTT as the punishment he's suggesting for your son?
How does the ex have that much control over teenagers who are old enough to decide their own contact arrangements? Are they such spoilt brats that they cannot stand basic guidance and correction from a parent or do they actually not really want to be around their dad and will use any excuse to take a long break?

TookTheBook · 30/08/2023 05:24

Why aren't you answering the question about whose house it is? I agree with most other posters - he sounds like a crap guy, you should probably suggest he moves out and you truly parent separately.

Newestname002 · 30/08/2023 05:35

@User098765765443

He said because you don’t want me to end up a spoiled brat like dps kids.

Actually it doesn't sound as though your son was being rude. Just answering your question and telling the truth, even if your partner doesn't like it.

Your partner has no right to discipline your children in "your" place - so not his own - when he's so far from managing his own. Why does he think he has the right to reward his own children's poor behaviour at the expense of your own child? 🌹

unbelieveable22 · 30/08/2023 05:48

You seem to be in some denial about your DPs behaviour with your children. He is NOT great with them but is a bully, threatening and manipulative. Can you not see what he is doing? He is already driving a wedge between you and your children but you are glossing over that. You are trying to excuse his behaviour 'it touched a nerve' and that is not good.

You have failed to clarify the living arrangements despite being asked many times.

itsgettingweird · 30/08/2023 05:59

Soooooo much to unpick.

You say "my place".

So the house is yours?

The step kids behaviour is a problem. They need to be told to take plates out and if they don't let them call mummy. They'll get worse the more they know they can emotionally manipulate everyone and the situation.

And I'm guessing it's your house and therefore you already had the bedrooms distributed?

As long as step kids have a bedroom and beds to sleep in (own or share) then using bedrooms as a punishment is just juvenile.

Personally I'd be telling DP he either starts to parent all the kids equally or he can stay elsewhere with his kids when they visit - or he can stay elsewhere permanently.

Why are you allowing him to punish your ds for speaking the absolute truth of the situation because he's too weak to punish his own kids? That will have a lifelong effect on your ds and must stop now.

Campervangirl · 30/08/2023 06:10

Looks like your ds played right into your oh hands.
The big bedroom situation has always been an issue so now your oh can take the bedroom off your ds and give it to one of his DC and look like a hero.
"Look DC, I've sorted out the bedroom situation, you can have it now"
Probably with the hope that it'll encourage his DC to come more.
Fuck that!
Who removes a bedroom as punishment?
A reasonable punishment, issued by you not oh, would be no tech, a telling off for being cheeky etc.

Reugny · 30/08/2023 06:21

DP is great with my kids,

No he isn't.

If he was he would not be the thinking that excessively punishing your son for pointing out his children were spoilt was fine.

Tell your DP to see his spoilt children elsewhere from now on.

A few posters who have pointed out that excessive punishments may be one reason why his own children refuse to obey him, report him to their own mother and then won't see him.

nobodysdaughternow · 30/08/2023 06:30

Adults don't blend families to benefit their kids. They do it solely for themselves so they can live together.

It is clear that this is making your child's life considerably shitter. If you play your cards right, you ds will want a relationship with you when he leaves homes.

If you let this shit show continue, you will loose your son.

MeridianB · 30/08/2023 07:38

DP is great with my kids,

No he isn't.

I agree. Feel very sad for the DS here, being forced to live with this bully.

billy1966 · 30/08/2023 08:18

Not the first woman on here to allow her boyfriend bully her child, make him feel uncomfortable, and ultimately try and get him out of his own home.

All for spelling out the simple truth in his home.

Shameful behaviour.

ConnieTucker · 30/08/2023 08:22

Louise303 · 30/08/2023 02:19

Weird punishment sounds like he was trying to reward his little angels with the room they want. Your son was not wrong your partner was being vindictive because your son said his mind.

Quite. He is trying to reward his child to show yours up. It isn't appropriate.

how old is the child who will have a tantrum if asked to take his plate away?

your dp is making excuses too. So what if mum picks them up every time? He is being a bad parent if he lets them behave like this

ConnieTucker · 30/08/2023 08:25

billy1966 · 30/08/2023 08:18

Not the first woman on here to allow her boyfriend bully her child, make him feel uncomfortable, and ultimately try and get him out of his own home.

All for spelling out the simple truth in his home.

Shameful behaviour.

What is the housing situation? Was it your home and he moved in? If so what was his living situation before?

ConnieTucker · 30/08/2023 08:28

it’s a bit of a battle who gets the ‘good bedroom
thus makes it sound like an on-going issue. How often is you son made to feel uncomfortable about having this bedroom? How is that acceptable in his home?

honestly, id be looking very carefully at what you think ‘good with your kids’ means. Would your children agree? Is it better for you children with your dp living with them, or was it and would it be better for them not having to live with dp?

Fairydustxox · 30/08/2023 09:03

You can't expect your child to do something your step children are allowed to get away with.
And your partner is 100% in the wrong for trying to enforce that sort of punishment, seems very OTT. I feel sorry for your child he will resent your step children

Reugny · 30/08/2023 09:30

Oh and your "D"P giving his children the "good bedroom" or "better bedroom" is not going to convince them to stay in your house more.

The issue is their father's behaviour.

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”

You don't believe his children, which is fair enough as you don't know them, but now you are not believing your own son that your "D"P is an emotionally immature man and a poor parent.

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