Do I need to punish my child?

[User098765765443]

My DP and I each have two children to previous relationships. His children don’t spend much time at my place as when they are it’s very difficult.
DPS kids never help with dinner clean up, they just sit at the table and wait for their food to be brought to them and when done just walk away. If they were asked they would throw a tantrum and call their mum to come and get them. This isn’t an issue just context.

My ds was being a pain and refused to take his plate to the sink. I said you know why I ask you to do that (thinking he would say because you’re my mother not my maid). He said because you don’t want me to end up a spoiled brat like dps kids. The s kids weren’t there, but DP was. And he went mad. He has handed out a few restrictions and wants him to swap his ‘good’ big bedroom for one of his kids as punishment (it’s a bit of a battle who gets the ‘good bedroom’ )

I think it’s ridiculous, my ds apologised. But DP is really pushing this.

This is a huge red flag for me OP. Please keep a close eye on how your DP behaves with your son.

Woah absolutely not. Your partners not a nice man.

I'd be quite happy to not see him or his spoilt children again if I had to deal with this sort of nonsense. How old is your son? I can imagine he's properly pissed off with the lot of them!

Id think that he’d got the phrasing from you tbh
ypur partner sounds like the type of person where nothing is his fault- it’s the ex wife, or your child, or whoever. If he’s that controlling to your child what’s he like with his own? perhaps that’s why his kids phone their mother to get collected?

Well, your "D"P doesn't like your son much, does he.

I'd be inclined to die on this hill, if he wants to give his spoiled kids the "good" bedroom he can go and buy his own house.

For me I think it would be a deal breaker as his treatment of your son will get worse.

I suggest you say you know perfectly well that they are extremely spoilt. Are you going to take away my bedroom too? Focus on why you’re so upset about this- because it’s true. If you were really serious about fixing it you’d take her to court for contact. If you go on about this to ds again then I will insist your Dc clear their plate and help out when they are here next instead of putting up with their ridiculous behaviour because I love you. I put up with it but it’s too much expecting my children to pretend it doesn’t happen.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Please don't bring up your child with this man. He clearly resents him and this will have a long lasting effect on your child.

I agree with other posters that removing a bedroom is an extreme punishment and not appropriate for something like being rude. And then what does that say to a child about having a safe place etc

The other issue is the ex and her controlling of the kids. It sounds like there should be a court order in place around access, because no court would stop access because a child was being asked to clear the table. It's absolutely normal that there are slightly different rules in the two houses and this ex sounds bang out of order. Your DP needs to put his foot down with ex and with his kids. And if his ex threatens him then he should threaten her with court !

WHY did you need validation from strangers to know you were right and why are you trying to put the blame on another woman ("she uses the kids as a weapon" statement)?

Stand up for your DS, and get your DP told that he doesn't get to speak to your kids in their home like that again!

A few people have mentioned Court. If the children are secondary age ish (owning a phone suggests that this could be the case) then they'd be allowed to choose how much contact they had with each parent.
Not parenting them isn't the answer and is just going to result in a lack of respect for that parent.

Seems weird to connect this to the bedroom. It appears that’s been something eating at him (despite it being, you know, your house!), and he’s decided to run with what he perceives to be an opportunity to try and force what he wants.

He resents your kid, and your kid is having to sit back and watch his ‘step siblings’ get treated like visiting royalty.

YANBU, your son called out his perception of unfairness. And you have said he is accurate, but as a child he may not appreciate the context of fear your DH is facilitating the bratty behaviour.

I would have a word with dh, he is misplacing his frustration and anger. He needs to sort access by court. Apologise to your son.

I would also commend you on raising a child who calls out unfairness, it something we all hope to do.

Your DP sounds like he just wants to spoil his own kids at the expense of your DC. Don't let him take your DC room away. If you do let him you can kiss good bye to having a good relationship with your own DC. I'd be asking dp to shut up and make his own DC do chores or leave.

No, just tell DP that your son apologised for speaking rudely about a family member and that is good enough.
Remind your P that what your son said might have been rude but it was a true observation about his Step siblings.

Ask why it is good enough for your son to pick up and be helpful and to take discipline (and say sorry) and yet his children will not be helpful in any way and he doesn't discipline them?

You need to expect more of your SC. If they ring their mother when you are asking reasonable behaviour from them - then your partner will just have to lump it that they go home.

If I were him I would restrict their phones so that calling Mum is not a possibility as they learn to pick up their own plate..

You need to get DH to start parenting her s children fear of them going home and acting a wimp isn't working and as they get older demands get bigger. If they are supposed to bring stuff to table do so or go without didn't clear after breakfast no lunch until you wash your plate.
Your child knows he's being unfairly treated and will see it as he's not as important

Why do you even ask if you need to punish your child at your home? Because your DP demands it? He thinks you should punish your child for what he perceives to be rude but his children can be as rude as they like to you, disrespect your home and that's ok?
Your child is well aware of the difference in how your children are treated and your partner's.
Time to put your children first in your and their home and if your partner doesn't like it he knows where the door is.

Why are you living with a man who treats you like his children’s skivvy, who is a shit parent and nasty and abusive to your dc?

your dc is completely correct.

curious would your partner be as accepting and serving towards your dc if he was expected to skivvy after them?

I’d move out and let him pander to his dc and date him without the dc. Actually I wouldn’t be with such a shit parent who bully’s my dc. But that’s your choice.

The truth hurts - and your dp is taking his hurt out on your son.

He should not be discipling your children when you aren't event entitled to basic respect.

He should be taking those feelings and channeling them into getting mediation/court ordered contact with his children. Actually, if he's that upset by it all why hasn't he done it already? You dont say how old they are now or how long hes been separated /living with you.

It sounds like hes giving in to his dc and ex - lack of discipline /respect, asking (demanding?) for his dc to get the best bedroom.

If he resents your dc now its not going to get any better as your dc enter pre- teen/ teenage years.

You're validating your partners behaviour and putting your DC in an awful situation. Is there a Dad he could move in with?

Ime the resentment will grow(against your dc and you) that you have your dc and he battles to have his. Seriously reconsider staying together op.

I'd also be telling dp that unless his kids clear their plates and do other small family chores when they are at your house they won't be welcome again. Let him see them outside of your and your DC's home.

His children don’t spend much time at my place

is this your home originally, and DP and his kids have moved in? Or is it a home you have all moved into together?

It makes no difference to the actual suggestion of swapping rooms as that's a completely inappropriate punishment, but if this has been your child's room way before the DP and SC came along I would be absolutely disgusted at his suggestion.

I'd be getting rid of him one way or another regardless.

I would kick him & his kids out of the house there and then.

Good for your son. I bet a lot of resentment has been bubbling away under the surface for him to say that. He's absolutely right and shouldn't have been made to apologise at all.

You need to consider the impact this relationship is having on your own children - resentment is hard to get rid of once it's there, and I'd be feeling pretty resentful at being expected to behave while my step siblings were completely mollycoddled by everyone around us.

Removing his bedroom is such a massive overreaction to a child being a bit gobby that I can only assume this is the tip of the iceberg of how your P regularly treats your DC. And I'd therefore be rethinking the relationship.

I don't know how old the step children are but frankly, if he has formal contact arrangements with his ex, it shouldn't matter if the children want their mum to collect them. It's ridiculous.

Having said that, I can't help wondering if his DC don't want to be around him because if he behaved like this when he was still living with them, I imagine they don't exactly have fond memories of their dad.